just starting out, need help

[Really Sad]

Hi Everyone,

I am just so sad. After another stupid night where I got drunk I woke up this morning, my husband and the love of my life told me he just can't do this anymore, that I have broken his heart, that he doesn't feel like he can trust me anymore, that I care more about drinking than I care about his feelings. That this feels more like abuse than love. Since I grew up with an alcoholic father, you'd think I would have learned what it means to do this to somebody. I am just so full of self-loathing, which is why I drink. Drinking turned me from a really pretty, super smart, successful young woman into a person I hardly recognize anymore: depressed, near-obese, with a sallow face and interest in doing not much more than pushing through the days so that at night I can sit and watch the same Law and Order re-runs over and over until I pass out. Of course this is not a life my husband wants to live! I hate this life! I want to give both of us the life we deserve. We are good people. I need help. A long time ago - before my drinking really got out of hand - I went to some AA meeting for adult children of alcoholics. There was just something too creepy about the whole thing. Then I saw something about MWO when I was googling "drinking help". I read the book, and here I am. What next?

Thank you to anybody who has some suggestions.

[southernbelle47]

just starting out, need help

:welcome: Really!

Please be "Sad" no more!
If you've read the book then it is time to start to get your "toolbox" together.
I love the cd's from this site and the supps are of high quality.
Drink gallons of pure water.
Begin to eat healthy raw foods.
Exercize some every day. I go to a gym and do a H2o class... Love it ,love it ,love it... I think it does have to be something you loved to do as a child. Mine was swimming and skating and bike riding.
Keep posting...you are not alone...
:goodjob: in posting this.
Love,
Nancy

[vlad]

just starting out, need help

Glad to hear you've read the book, hope its been of help to you. I've been here since June and a number of us are looking to do 30 days Alcohol Free for September, we've started a thread called AF Army over in General, feel free to join us if you wish. I know what you mean when you say 'I care more about drinking than I care about...' - been there myself, and loathed myself for it, but I still drank. If you are considering a stint Alcohol Free, I suggest you prepare yourself, if you drink heavily every day - cold turkey is a NO NO. Make sure you see your doctor and get the appropriate medication etc. I'm no expert, but last time I did a stint cold turkey it was pretty horrible! I'm prepared this time - I 've managed to moderate my drinking down from over a half litre of vodka nearly every night to just 2 beers and I've ordered the Kudzu from this site. All the best in your plans.

[j-vo]

just starting out, need help

I've woken up most of my adult weekends just like you. And several weekdays loathing myself. You want to get it together, but it seems as though it's too difficult an undertaking. Been there as most of us here have. Don't let that overtake you. Read the book thoroughly. Order the supps. I haven't done the Topo. Look for support because it really has helped me in just the few days I've been logged onto this site. It's really possible to get sober - it's the staying sober that's the struggle. That's where the book, tapes, and supps definitely come into play. For me, mods is not possible. I've got too much an obsession with booze and have tried but to no avail. You've got to find your way out. Last night, I attended a new church. I loved it, love the contemporary music they had and the comfy chairs! It was a great feeling just being there. That was in my plan - to reconnect with my higher power, let him into my life whereas before, I didn't have the care or energy to do so. Take care and believe. You are added to my list of prayers.

[vlad]

just starting out, need help

j-vo;397034 wrote: Last night, I attended a new church. I loved it, love the contemporary music they had and the comfy chairs! It was a great feeling just being there. That was in my plan - to reconnect with my higher power, let him into my life whereas before, I didn't have the care or energy to do so. Take care and believe. You are added to my list of prayers.

Glad to hear you've found a new church! I'm very grateful that I'm also part of a fantastic church community in my town - and that I've been able to share my problem with some of the church members who have been non-judgemental and very supportive.

[Boss.man]

just starting out, need help

Really Sad;396956 wrote: Hi Everyone,
I am just so full of self-loathing, which is why I drink. Drinking turned me from a really pretty, super smart, successful young woman into a person I hardly recognize anymore: depressed, near-obese, with a sallow face and interest in doing not much more than pushing through the days so that at night I can sit and watch the same Law and Order re-runs over and over until I pass out.

No, no, no, no, no!

As I'm working to detox myself, I've done a lot of study of the chemical effects of drinking. It's a fascinating topic. Alcohol impacts 15 of the 65 major chemicals and hormones in your body, among which are sucrose, insulin, dopamine, seratonin and histamine. The impact affects 5 major organs, and has a major impact on brain centers. Repeated use of alcohol causes some of your organs to change their function, to adjust to the constant flooding of the chemical. In this way, one becomes alcohol dependent.

One of the huge effects of alcohol dependency is sadness and depression when you are sober. It's no wonder. Your body is low in sugar, because it long ago learned how to turn alcohol into sucrose, and ignoring your food (which is why you gained weight). Your serotonin is low. It's a transmitter for feeling, and low serotonin will cause you to feel awful. Dopamine goes high when you are sober, which revs up your analytical brain, and your memories, so you spend time over analyzing and regretting stuff.

And then there is just Water. If you are a wine drinker, and you drink a bottle of wine a day, that's 32 oz of liquid. After you sleep, your body has excreted all the water (yeah, we know, you got up 6 times overnight...) and you are dehydrated. That's what gives you a headache, is that your brain got a bit dried out, and it takes HOURS for liquid to get up into your head and go back to creating the delicate balance of primordial seawater that your brain sits in.

And all of these bad effects will go away, as soon as you are on your second drink. Your dopamine goes high which will turn your memories off, your serotonin goes high so you wll feel warm, then muzzy, then energetic and excited. Your body will be hydrated, and full of sucrose sugar energy like a kid who drank too much soda.

That's advanced logical management of your body's physical dependency and most of us on the forum have been doing it for years (25 years of drinking for me) and so it takes more than a pill or a phrase to change the management system that has been in place for years.

The Way Out is to work to moderate the symptoms and give your body time to adjust. Topamax, Kudzu, 5-HTP, GABA all work to supply seratonin which helps the depression you feel. THe problem is that alcohol can overload that system so bad, your natural body's serotonin production will take 5-7 days to catch up. You can also enhance serotonin in small ways by eating fruits, nuts and grains, chocolate, having sex, exercising in an enjoyable way (recreational exercising) and repetitive "easy" tasks like knitting or crosswords.

Glucose is harder, because if your body has been using alcohol for glucose production, it's going to take time (3-4 days, sometimes more) for it to recover. You can't directly eat glucose, and eating complex carbs like sugar may actually slow down the recovery. Fruits, especially bananas are said to be good for AL withdrawal.

For the first 3-4 days, a lot of people take an emotional steadier, like Valium or any number of psychoactive pills. I've read that in severe cases, some treatment centers basically dope the patient up and keep them in a light coma for 14 days, just to let their bodies detox. A few days feeling muzzy are not a bad tradeoff. For a non prescription pill try Valerian one pill in morning and one in the afternoon. Also benadryl, on the same schedule should have about the same mood leveling effect.

Keep the water level high. You are going to have to take in a lot of liquid if your body has adjusted to a big intake. You may need to drink 32oz or more of water each evening, simply because your body is used to handling that amount every day.

After 5-7 days it's just cravings. When AF, your serotonin system will rarely achieve the high levels it had when you bathed it in alcohol. So you "remember" that you felt better. In addition, you were flooding your body with glucose so you got a sugar high. Finally, our AL use got locked to habits (like your watching Law and Order), so it's key to develop new habits and activities to replace the drinking time.

So IMO it's not so bad. It's just a bunch of chemicals. Don't bash yourself while you are going through withdrawal, because you are already emotionally fragile and will just make yourself feel worse. Get to reading. Make a list to yourself of all the things AL does for you. Make a list of what you can do, if you didn't spend 3 hours per day EXTRA just drinking, and another 3 hours a day JUST sleeping it off. Look at these two lists often, because they are your one-way-ticket OUT.

Get some pills and try them out. Everyone's body is different, so it's not the same for everyone. If you fail, and we all fail, get up and try again. Lots of people on the forum are here to help. After 3-4 days AL free, (which is VERY TOUGH TO DO) you should see your emotions stabilize and after a week you should feel your body get back into a more normal chemistry. After that it's just cravings to conquer!

Just my opinion.

[j-vo]

just starting out, need help

That's a big step vlad. Being able to open up to people that are nonjudgmental. I think they're few and far between though. This is the very first time on this site that I've found nonjudgmental people and it feels quite comforting. Stay with your church and your faith! And bossman - lots of good info. Thank you.

[rubywillow]

just starting out, need help

SAD

I'm pretty new here, and just having contact with so many diverse, interesting, happy, grouchy, irreverent, hopeful people has drawn me in. Your story rings like a bell with me. My husband has had to pick me up, bail me out, hold my hair, so many horrible things I've done to the one person in the world who will never let me down. The worst was when my big ole man, a Harley riding, outdoorsman who'd buy me the moon if I wanted and he could, broke down in tears. He too said I'd broken something in him, that he couldn't concentrate at work, where he is over all the turbines in 2 big power plants. A mistake could get him killed everyday, and I couldn't have lived with that. But in the last few weeks, I've been moderating. We went to FL, and when he came back to the condo every day, I was sober, and we had a wonderful time (will post some pics soon). He's so proud of the pics he's e-mailed them to everyone. He can come home each day w/o dread, because he knows I'm OK, and he's quit calling me 30 times a day to check on me. I too looked like a haint, - puffy, swollen, staggering, forgetting to bathe, fix my hair, get dressed, put on makeup. He used to tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, and now he does again. I know it's not true literally, but it is to him. I could go on and on, (and I usually do), but just want you understand-you're not alone, not the only one who's damaged themselves and family, but there's hope! Read here, post here, follow the program - you can reclaim your life. I haven't been this happy and upbeat in the last decade. And honey, I believe you can fall in love again. Ask for his help, let him come to the site and share with other AL family and friends. We are too valuable to let this demon in a bottle take away our lives. I'm adding you to buddy list, so PM me whenever. We had so much in common with AL, let's have healing in common. Things have gone so well for me, but I'm not crazy enough to think I've beaten this. I may need help from you someday :l:h:l

[Really Sad]

just starting out, need help

Wow. Thank you everybody. Thank you for all the support - and for all that information, Boss Man. I had no idea about all of that. I am so, so grateful.

I am a little worried about taking the Topamax, though. I know this will sound stupid given that I've been drinking like this, but I really really do want to have kids. That was one of the things my husband said to me this morning: if I don't get this thing under control, he will not let me bring a child into this situation. I can't imagine Topamax is good for pregnancy, is it? I'll start gathering the other supplies today. And I joined the 30 days for September group, too.

Wish me luck, and keep me in your prayers...

[LVT25]

just starting out, need help

Hi Really sad,

I'm sorry things are tough right now, but you have found "A Way Out".The program really can and does work. All of the tools are important, the supplements, exercise and cd's have personally helped me the most, along with the support onthis forum. Hopefully it's not too late for you and your hubby to work things out.

Hang in there, there is hope!:h

[river0123]

just starting out, need help

Hello Sad, I think we all feel your pain as most have been in your situation. I find it really helpful to read the original posts of many long time members and am so encouraged to see the change and positive way things have turned around for many, myself included. The whole program is just so amazing. After a 20 year every day drinking habit, I am no longer tethered to the liquor cabinet. The CD's, supps, support here have given me a whole new lease on life! I wish the same for you.:l
Boss man, I love your posts/research. :thanks:

[Really Sad]

just starting out, need help

Thank you, thank you everybody. I asked my husband to give me one last chance, which he said he would, though he also said I've given him no reason to believe me. But he gave me the chance, and that's what matters.

And thank you for sharing your story, Rubywillow. I'd love to be a buddy...how do you do that? I am still learning the in's and out's of this website...

Thank you so much. I just can't thank you all enough.

[rubywillow]

just starting out, need help

Click on my name Sad. You'll see a link to add to buddy list. Great news about husband. He's right, the proof's in the pudding. But slowly, gradually, I'm taking my power back, and my husband's trust, support, and love. Concentrate on today. Face each day on it's on. When you're better, you'll both be ready to have your family.

[Casey]

just starting out, need help

You guys are so - may I say sweet without sounding too corny - that it makes me want to cry.

My best wishes to you, Sad. I agree with one day at a time, and, really, it is all we have anyway.

Boss man, thank you for such a complete description of what alcohol does. I didn't realize where that depression came from. I just thought it was my conscious beating up on me once again.

[Blondie_grrrl]

just starting out, need help

Hey Really --
Re: Topamax & pregnancy, the drug is listed by the FDA as a Category C, which means that it hasn't been studied in pregnant humans but has appeared to cause harm to the fetuses in animal studies. Keep in mind, though, that the animals in these studies were also given other drugs concurrently, so you can't clearly point to the Topa as the causal agent (I also don't know what dosage the animals were given). Perhaps more importantly, lots of women have reported healthy outcomes when they've taken Topamax -- do a quick Google search and message boards for women who suffer from migraines or epilepsy will give you lots of information. That said, you may want to get a better handle on your drinking before you aggressively try for parenthood. Not that I should be dispensing advice, my friend: I'm recently back on the Topa and the MWO program after I got "off track" and am growing tired of not remembering the circumstances under which I went to bed, plus I Googled "Topamax and pregnancy" only because my aging ovaries only have so much time left....
Good luck to us both, and hopefully soon you will change your moniker to Not so Sad.