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    #1

    The need for Confession?

    (Maybe I'm a Catholic in disguise??)

    Before I start - I'm the one who started a thread recently about how GREAT it is to be sober! And I have been for well over a month... What do you do with that?

    Today started out ok. Then started reading emails I saved from my DEAD boyfriend - smiling about him. Realized I'm in love with a dead man...

    Then called about a potential job, and the guy was "almost" rude at end, saying he had to call other people. I've been out of work for over a year and... it's bleak.

    I've tried so hard to be optimistic, hopeful. And I lost that this morning! Decided to buy booze. Bought a really small bottle. Not enuff to get drunk!

    But it's symbolic of how I feel. Hopeless. I've been Trying SO hard to get my life together after my boyfriend died in June. I've felt good, stopping drinking. Today I thought how I wish he could have seen me as a Sober person... But now he can't.

    Perhaps this is just a pity party. I haven't allowed myself that for a long time.

    I know that I'm not going back to drinking - as a lifestyle (if you can call it that!).

    OK - I have to start all over again. I crumbled. I'm human.

    I remember once reading someone saying (after sadness or whatever): Why ME? The answer was: Why NOT me??

    Why does an innocent child get cancer? There is so much I don't understand and have to accept (!!) that I never will. At least in this lifetime...

    After all this dismalness! - I wish you all a great day.

    I'll be better...
    Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down... Anais Nin
    Tags: None
    #2
    The need for Confession?

    Your post was pretty serious and in-depth. I will give a try at a short response.

    Unemployment is a very tough thing to handle for one's self-esteem. But you need to focus on positive ways to get out, not dead-end ways like booze. Alcohol will only make you feel worse.

    In Alan Carr's EasyWay to Stop Drinking book, he likens it to turning off the warning lights in your car and just continuing to drive or like the myth of the ostrich sticking its head in the sand (imagine if there were dangerous animals around!). The problem does not go away.

    As for the thoughts about the past. I think it's so human to want to go back and do things over they were so good, or do things over because they were so bad. If we spend our lives doing this, we will get overwhelmed and miss the present. You are one of millions who would like to take certain things back. Don't waste your life on thinking about it. Focus on the present.

    Nancy

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      #3
      The need for Confession?

      Savon, I am so very sorry for your loss. I want to share my story with you....I too lost my fiance in April 2006. I was not a binge drinker until his death. When he died, a part of me died. I drank myself stupid for a year. I pretty much stayed drunk for a year. I was in such pain and the AL just made it 1000 times worse than it was. June was not so long ago. You will forever love him. Just because they die does not mean your feelings died. They are still very real. You have to learn to live all over again. I have little by little put his things away. I have a trunk at the foot of my bed filled with his things. I allow myself a pity-parties from time to time and open it...his leather coat still smells like him. Then I put those things back and LIVE again. It is very hard and there is NO LIMIT on grief. I can not tell you how many people expected me to be myself again once the one year mark hit...it was like..OK it has been a year...pain be gone. It does not work that way. what you have to do is learn to live with your grief as it is now part of you. The pain does lessen and in some ways you dont want it to as it feels like they are getting further from you, but you can not live in such pain forever. It is impossible to function. Allow your grief...it is OK...read your letters and then put those letter in a safe place for another time. Never give up on yourself. You do not lose unless you give up hope. Hugs and love to you!
      Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

      Comment

        #4
        The need for Confession?

        Savon, my thoughts are with you love.
        I am sending you a big (((((hug))))) with all my best wishes:l
        Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
        Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

        Comment

          #5
          The need for Confession?

          Forgive me Father for I have sinned....... Ha! Yep my priest says the same thing..Ha! IAD.
          ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
          those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
          Dr. Seuss

          Comment

            #6
            The need for Confession?

            Good thing I am not Catholic...my poor priest would have a heartattack listening to my confession. Guess that is why God made me a Baptist...LOL
            Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

            Comment

              #7
              The need for Confession?

              (
              I'm so sorry to have you go through being without the one you loved.
              It must be the lowest time in your life.
              I think I was the one who shared the "why not me". I asked that and so did my son and new wife...our whole family did.
              I wish you could all hear the cd of my son talking about his last deployment to Iraq.
              He was newly married and 3 days away of being out of the marines.
              He fought with God over this but in the end came to understand that his purpose in life is not "about him".
              God led him through the "Refiner's Fire" and showed him things that he would not have seem if he had not gone.
              His room mate and good friend totally turned his life around and got straight with God while they were there.
              A small Iraqi girl had life saving heart surgery in Tenn. because this marine unit got her and her mom there and back safe and......paided for it!
              They brought back every marine they took over.

              We all have a purpose in life...and it is not about us.
              It's much bigger than that.
              God bless you and give you His Peace that passes all understanding.
              Love,
              Nancy
              "Be still and know that I am God"

              Psalm 46:10

              Comment

                #8
                The need for Confession?

                That was a BEAUTIFUL post. Thank-you for sharing that with us SB.
                Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

                Comment

                  #9
                  The need for Confession?

                  Thanks, guys/people

                  Thanks for Nancy for Peace, thanks IAD fand brittzak humor!, Nancy for your Compassion..

                  I will be better "as soon as I am able"---

                  IAD - yes, I have sinned. watchawana makeof it? Have u not?

                  Cheers to all1
                  Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down... Anais Nin

                  Comment

                    #10
                    The need for Confession?

                    SAVON....if you feel you need it I joined a support group online for grief...it is GROWW.com You will find great support there in your grief. EVERYONE there knows your pain and can relate to you. Many times someone that has not experienced your pain has a hard time supporting you. Just a suggestion for dealing with your loss.
                    Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

                    Comment

                      #11
                      The need for Confession?

                      Oh Savon-

                      I rarely post, although have been an active member of this forum for over 2 years... But your post moved me. You sound like someone with a lot of insight, as well as in a hard place in life right now. I am so thrilled for you that you made a month. Truth is, if we don't get right back into the not drinking mode...it is easy to fall back into old habits. And I hope you don't. You do have alot going on emotionally...a ton...and you need support for that. I so hope you don't use your life as a reason to go back to drinking. You seem to have a lot of insight, so maybe you can muster up the courage to do this.

                      I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your boyfriend. Nothing is harder in life than losing someone we love...nothing.

                      Anyway, just wanted to lend my support to you. Drinking does always make bad things worse.

                      With love


                      Beth
                      formerly known as bak310

                      Comment

                        #12
                        The need for Confession?

                        Savon,
                        Take it one day at a time. I've never had this experience, but with time and more time, you will begin to live your life knowing he's watching over you and wanting the best for you. Take it easy on yourself.
                        Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          The need for Confession?

                          Thanks to ALL who posted. (I had to smile, Brittzak, with your Baptist comment!!)

                          I really have to NOT read those emails for a Long time. I also have pics & a couple videos of him... Won't look at those, either.

                          Have to remind myself how good I have it in comparison to others... And have to learn not to use "pity party" as an excuse to drink!! Just stupid. It may have helped for a brief moment, but it doesn't make anything "go away". I have to deal with things Eventually sober!

                          So, I'm back on the bus, Gus. Although I admit the thought of drinking flashed through my mind this morning a couple times... (I don't have any alcohol - finished that little bottle!)

                          Those thoughts probably wouldn't have "passed thru" had I not restimulated them by drinking yesterday...

                          I know I didn't have to post my "confession" - but I'm hoping that someone who's tempted will read & see that it does NOT help anything.
                          Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down... Anais Nin

                          Comment

                            #14
                            The need for Confession?

                            We're all with you, Savon....

                            Glad you're back on the bus.....

                            Don't drink today.....

                            Don

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