Ok, you guys have always given me Great advice, so here goes: I was engaged to a man that I met in AA. We were together for 3 years, engaged for one year. He had 8 years AF when we met. I had 8 months. In the last year of our relationship, we started to use MJ, then eventually AL again. Things got very ugly. He called today out of the blue and wants to see me. He has been AF over two years and says that he has changed. I don't know. I am very skeptical. I am struggling with my sobriety, but part of that is my lonliness. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt, and just meet him for coffee or something? I told him that I planned on attending an AA meeting on Friday, which is the day he wants to meet me, and he said, "cool, I'll go with u". Very freaked out. Hearing from him was a shock. He would have to change more aspects of his personality than just being sober in order to have back in my life. He was very OCD. Sorry for rambling. You guys are so wise and wonderful. You have never steered me wrong.
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"Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown) -
EX Fiance contacts me
Well it sounds like you are on the fence about it. But you must still care about him or you would not consider it. Coffee sounds tame enough, safe enough to me. Why not go and see what he has to say. I would avoid romantic situations though and try to keep a bit of distance. If he has OCD, dunno, suppose he could be obsessing about you? In a way it seems to me like you should meet for coffee instead of going to meetings together. that sounds like reliving the past and maybe you need your meetings to be your own territory.
People can change for the better. The older I get the more I think we should try to preserve relationships where possible. -
EX Fiance contacts me
Sea-
I never chime in on anything-
But all I want to say is- you have been working SO HARD to maintain your sobriety (it shows in EVERY POST you make)
So- please, put yourself and your sobriety first.
and if coffee and a scone is good- fine.
But YOU ARE NUMBER ONE
-SheepComment
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EX Fiance contacts me
HI Sea, that is a tough one.
I SO agree with Sheepish. Your number one priority is YOU!!!
You have obvoiusly put much thought into this and it does sound like you would like to chat to him. So maybe like Nancy says, give him the benefit of the doubt. You are much wiser now, you know the pitfalls, you know the triggers for both of you. Stay one step ahead of the game. You are wise and strong, you can do exactly as you choose. You can either choose to have him in your life or not. So on your terms, and for your good YOU are in control.
Good luck hun, keep us posted xLiving now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Hi sea. From a male point of view(!) i would say meet him if deep down thats what you want, but do it in a busy public place like starbucks, so there are no attachments made, and it really is just for a coffee and a chat. You can leave then and decide either way.To Infinity And Beyond!!Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Sea,
If you know in your heart-of-hearts that you want to see him, do it. If you aren't sure, don't. Does he give you any triggers or do you feel completely safe with him? Gabby.Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Hello Sea, its Ripple... i see no reason to have a visit and some coffee. Principles before personality so they say.. take charge and just listen, doesn't mean you have to become involved again. he can be a friend providing you are in the drivers seat. I would check out what he is up to and let him know where you stand!!! You doo it. :lComment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Hi Sea - it sounds like you were in love with him at one time, or you wouldn't have gotten engaged... In that case, be prepared to have a relationship again with him. Even if you just go out for "innocent" coffee (and especially if you're feeling lonely!).
I remember breaking up with my last boyfriend who finally convinced me to just see him for a couple min. He had made up some weird excuse (he had left colander over here??) to come over. I left the colander outside, but he called when he got here & begged to just talk for a min.
Welllllll, after that talk, I was back with him! (They're very crafty when they want something, these guys!
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Either way, good luck! (If I had any feelings about the guy, knowing me.... I'd go!)
Let us know what you decide...Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down... Anais NinComment
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EX Fiance contacts me
You are saying that it got "really ugly" before, and he is "very OCD," and you ended up drinking and drugging together before, and now you are in a shaky place with your own relationship with AL.... ? Seems pretty durn dangerous, to me.
wipComment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Sea, is it possible that he is doing a 5th step again and wants to make an amends?
Certainly may be more to it than that obviously, so maybe coffee but I don't know...... My only concern with him going to a meeting with you is what if he does want more and starts showing up at your meetings all the time? I don't want you to put your home group relationship in jeopardy over it.
Follow your gut - it usually knows the right answer and if you are feeling freaked out then proceed very carefully.Sobriety Date: June 15, 2007 -- "It's not having what you want, It's wanting what you've got...."Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
i would too consider 'wip' and AA's points of view SEA!!! again, if you are to be in CHARGE of you, it is YOU to set the limits for this EX!!!! that is what i would doo. I don't like men who mis-treat women, i think we all know that!Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
I think that your recovery has to come first.Sometimes we need to look inward and get to know us,first.A person can want another or need another but I don't believe we can love another until we love ourselves.Natural law states that you can only love someone else to the degree you love yourself.We often can mistake the emotion of WANT or NEED for LOVE( they are not the samething).I know that your are going to met with him but my I say that I pray you will guard your heart.Don't let your temporary feels of want or need get you into a long term heart ...Proceed with caution..sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Do you WANT to see him again? Or are you just lonely? Only you can decide in the end what is best for YOU. :l_______________
NF since June 1, 2008
AF since September 28, 2008
DrunkFree since June 1, 2008
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:wings: In memory of MDbiker aka Bear.
5/4/2010 In loving memory of MaryAnne. I pray you've found peace my friend.
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The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
ray:Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
How significant of a role did his OCD play in the relationship? OCD is brutal.Comment
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EX Fiance contacts me
Geez, there's nothing worse than being rushed into a decision. Tomorrow's already Friday, and if you're feeling "freaked" that kind of tells you something. Maybe a delay in meeting is a good idea. Don't let anyone control you. Him wanting to tag along to your thing and inviting himself with is taking the control away from you. Hang onto the reins, girl!
You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect. ~ BuddhaComment
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