I've done it again.

[noma'am]

I drank at a party hosted by my husbands co-worker and made a complete ass out of myself. Again. My husband is embarassed at work and I feel totally ashamed. I can't undo it and I can't make up for it. I feel totally paralysed with shame, fear and sadness. I can never drink again but never is such a long fucking time. Please tell me that I can do this. Please tell me these horrible feelings will go away. Tell me I will feel pride and dignity someday. Tell me I won't feel this worthless forever. Why did I become an alcoholic? I am just so sorry but that is starting not to matter anymore. If you say sorry to many times it stops having any meaning. I feel so bad right now and I have no way to get rid of this pain!

[nancy]

I've done it again.

Hi there

Please, please don't feel worthless. I know these events make you feel terrible. You won't have been the first drunk they have seen at a party.

You have a problem that is very embarrassing and socially disruptive as well as physically damaging. Have you accepted that? Once you have, get some compassion for yourself. You are struggling, you didn't ask for this, but here it is a massive problem.

Take care of yourself and look at this constructively.What worked for you in the past in getting alcohol out of your life? When did you cut down? What tools have you tried from this website and what is left to try?

How can you protect yourself from this kind of debasement and shame in the future, which is out of character with the way you normally lead your life?

Use this bad experience to give you motivation to change, not to tear yourself down.

[Evie.Lou]

I've done it again.

Dear NOMA,I know how frustrating it is to be on the roller coaster from HELL...It took me many many times before I finally got it.If I can do it...I KNOW THAT YOU CAN.it sounds ridicules but I think it is just a part of the recovery process..There is LIFE after alcoholism and I am living proof.Hang with us and we can BEAT THE BEAST,TOGETHER..

[Bandit]

I've done it again.

Hi nomam
I too have been on this merry go round for quite some time now and have lost count of the times I have said 'never again' or to my husband, 'i'm sorry'...and yet I drank again. I still think I meant it all those times but it is just so hard. However, I am not willing to stop trying and am on my day two again. I am trying not to see it as the AL issue and not being able to drink but more so that I am no longer putting myself in a position anymore where I can make a fool of myself or worse, cause a situation where I could put myself or others in danger
Sending some positive wishes your way.
:h
Bandit

[WaitingToExhale]

I've done it again.

Hi There,

Think we've all been there. I know I sure have been .... too many times. This time around, I just decided I had to adjust this program to make it work for me. And this time I seem to making some good progress.

Like Nancy asked, what has worked for you in the past? What are you trying now? Have you got a plan in place?

I find if I don't have it actully WRITTEN down, step by step and right in my face, I fall.

For me, it is cutting back, way back, and then using every tool MWO has to offer. The supps, CDs, being here everyday, and I even decided to try Topa this time around. (Still at a low dose and moving up slowly)

I gave up before and ended up in an even bigger mess. We can't give up. Time to forgive yourself for the mess up and make a plan. We'll be here for you in the ups and downs.

[needachange]

I've done it again.

I read your story and think oh how i have almost lived in the very place you are at least one day a week for a year. Oh, I drank more than one day week, but I felt your shame at least one of those days. I think I need a brain transplant. I feel like you do like I will never ever get it but this site is a first time effort trying something other than saying I am sorry and telling myself I wont drink too much again. Until the next time. I think you very well know too. I am frustrated and angry that it is so hard. I am in the this is unfair/denial/WTF/going to change stage. I know they are all opposites but that is the mental turmoil I am in. I dont think anyone thinks about it as much as we do. Yes, you will get over this feeling if you stop. That is what I am telling myself. Day 3 Af for me. Hard day though, Im off work on Tuesdays.

[startingover]

I've done it again.

Hi NM, you have been given some great advice here. The bad feelings will diminish and as they do your confidence in yourself will return. With tools, with support, with knowledge there is hope. You CAN do this and being here will help you succeed

[Cheech66]

I've done it again.

good job on 3 days af day off i would kill for go out and do something for yourself you deserve it and need it too!!!!!

[Boss.man]

I've done it again.

I agree with Exhale. Focus on what works. I also use a written reminder of how I felt when I felt bad. It reminds me that I don't want to go that place again.

Don't bash yourself too bad. Just make it into a plan to do better. That's how you become proud of yourself once again.

[Cheech66]

I've done it again.

that was a day off i would kill for good jod need a change

[bestlifeldms]

I've done it again.

Noma'am,

Unfortunately, most of us have felt the same way you feel right now. I realize that the only way that I would ever have any credability with my husband was to "show" him through my actions. My words had become meaningless because I had broken my promises more times than I can count. We regain our self-worth by living in a way that is no longer a disappointment or embarassment to ourselves. The day we realize that we are worth the effort that it takes to pattern our lives in such a way that, at the end of the day, we can reflect and be content with our actions, is when we know we have succeeded with sobriety. Define exactly what it is that you want you (as a person) to be. Then do just that. The early days are difficult, but nothing that is worthwhile is easy.

[SpiritGirl]

I've done it again.

No Ma'am-

Ok - where do I begin?? I feel like I have so much to say to you because I can relate so well - but I want to stick with the things that will help. FIRST - this WILL pass. The day after is always the worse. You know that - it's just easy to forget. You probably feel like crap today physically. THEN throw on the guilt, the embarrassment, the humiliation, blah blah blah. It ALL passes - quickly (thankfully). Then you are given a new opportunity. To do it all over again, because you WILL feel better, or to make the even more difficult choice, to NOT do it anymore. I truly believe that the best choices we make in life are the hardest ones. It is SO easy to do nothing. The same shitty things keep happening. But change can be so hard. HARD BUT WORTH IT. I, too, was once a "trophy wife" (I loved that thread, by the way!). I had beautiful children, a beautiful husband (however, definately not the right man for me - glad I'm divorced - I NEVER would have wanted to stop drinking had I stayed in that miserable relationship) a beautiful home, and I felt beautiful. I was 25 pounds thinner, had healthy glowing skin, soft healthy hair - all the things that most of us could have if we spent as much times caring for ourselves as we do consumed with AL. I was a stay at home mother of two and I made quite a bit of "spending money" modeling. But I was unhappy on the inside. I mean - we all have our reasons here to drink, right? Although I had it all together on the outside, I was slowly dying on the inside. And wine made that feel better. Temporarily. I always felt worse the next day and my demons were still waiting to gnaw away at me. Sometimes I didn't drink because I was down - I drank because I was UP! I was in a great mood -getting ready for a great party - getting all dressed up and pretty. I would go all pretty and come home a sloppy mess. I had lost control of my alcohol. It has become something that has more control over me than I have over it.

SO - I get divorced - and I am now on a mission to make my life a happy one. Don't get me wrong - I didn't get divorced and just quit drinking. I kept drinking - my triggers were different now. Now I drink when I am lonely or bored. But I will be damned if I went through all the pain of a divorce and put my children through all the adjustment to continue to be miserable. And AL makes me miserable!! So you know what, I decide to divorce ALCOHOL!! Now don't get me wrong, I have found myself sleeping with the enemy on occasion ( alcohol, not my ex!!), but the times are fewer and farther between. And I went from making a fool out of myself from at least once a week to, hmmm... I can't remember when!! I really cannot remember the last time I made a utter complete ass out of myself. I know this - the last time I did I thought it would NEVER pass and the people who witnessed it would NEVER forget. But guess what?? They did! And I have to. So this feeling you have today will be gone. Too soon!! Divorce ALCOHOL!! Be a mother your kids are proud of. Be the wife at the party that giggles at all the other people making asses out of themselves (it's very entertaining!). Be the wife that gets up the morning after a party, remembers everything and discusses it over coffee as you are making a big breakfast for your family. People will soon know you as the the woman that "doesn't drink much", or ever if you want it that way!!

I took Antabuse. It was the best thing to happen to me. Everyone has thier tools. Use yours. I wish you the best - this too, shall pass... I promise...

[Chelle12]

I've done it again.

Spiritgirl, your post has brought tears to my eyes... I know what you mean about 'dying on the inside'. Im feeling that more and more over the past few months.. Also noticed a change in my hair and skin.. not as glowing and healthy as it was

No ma'am - you hang in there girl! You've got some great support here on this forum.. we've all been through similar situations and some of us are still struggling to be AF.
The antabuse that spiritgirl mentioned may be "your way out" ? It certainly is going to be mine
Take care,
Love n Hugs,
C

[vera-b]

I've done it again.

Hi Noma'am,

You've been given a lot of good advice here. I echo it all. I had one thought as I read your original post about feeling so bad. Yes, we can't go back and undo the bad we did. However, we can use the new day to do something good. I know this may sound a bit radical, but why not consider doing some community service? I know this may be considered a bit out there, but you're feeling bad, and community service is all about feeling good. We help others, and they feel good and we feel good. Call it a bit of redemption. When you see that others have such a difficult time in life it just may give you the courage to face what challenges you. I speak from personal experience - I learned gratitude when I saw what others lacked.

Vera-b

[Waiting for his way out]

I've done it again.

I have been embarrassed many times by my husband's behavior with co-workers and family,I have picked him off the ground and helped him to bed countless times. You are right, sorry probably does not mean much to him anymore, but keep telling him you are trying and you will succeed. He is listening. stay strong.