feeling so bad.

[noma'am]

This guilt and anxiety is "knocking my dick in the dirt". I just can't can't think straight, can't eat, can't focus on anything but how terrible I feel. I want my husband so bad. I want him to hug me and tell me it's going to be ok. I feel so alone but I can't ask him for help because he thinks I don't deserve it. I don't I'm sure but I cannot handle his hatred of me. I feel like I'm going crazy. I am even having trouble driving because I am so stressed out. We were only drinking on Fridays and Saturdays but all it took was one fucked up Saturday and I've blown the whole wad. We were all excited because the kids were away and we were going to a party that we otherwise would not have been able to attend. It's torture being around him because he either ignores me or berates me. I know I am an alcoholic and I'm dedicated to never drinking again but I swear the punishment just doesn't fit the crime. He was wasted to. I'm not justifying my behavior but I'm afraid I'm going to collapse under the strain. He initially told me that everything was ok, it wasn't that big of a deal but we had to stop drinking wich we did. 2 days later I'm not worth the breath it takes to say my name and have ruined everything for him. I want to dissapear because I can't bare to be reminded of what a sack of crap I am. I am wishing for an anvil to just drop out of the sky right on top of me so that there is nothing but my feet sticking out from under it.

[bestlifeldms]

feeling so bad.

Noma'am, Just breath. Show him each day. ODAT. That is really all you can do. If you really intend not to drink again, tell him that. And tell him the reason you are committed to stop, is that you don't want to loose that which is most precious to you ~ him. If you have to, leave him a note, in his vehicle, somewhere that he will find it. I can remember my hub throwing away the anniversary card that I got him last november, without opening it. That seems like a lifetime ago. Tough going in between. But, time is a great healer. Sending you hugs, Best

[tlrgs]

feeling so bad.

stop beating yourself up ..move on and learn from what happen..you can change it..
but you can change the now and how you do things now ..so make the best of it and do your best for yourself and your family ..stay strong and think positive

[dexterhead]

feeling so bad.

Noma'am, it sounds like he is not being very consistent in his behavior, using your guilt against you? He drinks as well? I don't get the flip-flopping in his behavior. Of course I don't know any of the details, I just hate to see you feeling SO miserable ... you shouldn't have to grovel for his good graces. Thinking of you ..

[sammys]

feeling so bad.

Oh honey, I can tell you feel really bad. I once was told that take a shower and wash your worries down the drain I tried it and it did make me feel better for even a short time. I say the more stubborn he is the more stubborn you be, kind of a I won't let anything beat me attitude.

Hope this helps even just a little, and we are here for you.


Sammys

[Waiting for his way out]

feeling so bad.

Tried to avoid the confrontations. The more I argued with my husband the more his AL behavior got worse. It took us (especially me) a while to learn that periodic silence and not being in the same room all the time was healing for both of us. If a fight starts, let him know you don't want to fight. My husband had to tell me that hundreds of times before I realized it was not making things better. Take care.

[A Work in Progress]

feeling so bad.

one2many;422577 wrote: Ok you can do one of 2 things here, you can lie and wallow, beaten and crushed, or you can rise from the ashes, it will not be easy, little by little PROVE yourself, BE the woman you want to be...it will take time to earn trust again, but it can be done...Stand up and Fight, This is your time to take control of your life and little by little make it better...for you, for your husband and for your children...the ball is in your court and only YOU can do it!

We will be here for you every step of the way, You CAN do this!

BIG seconds to OneTwo's post. You really must shift your focus OFF of what your husband is or is not doing and ONTO what you are (or are not) doing!! That's your ONLY shot at improving this situation. Read the MWO book. Make a plan about how you will proceed on a daily and even minute-by-minute basis to get the alcohol out of your life. Follow your plan.

Don't tell your husband anything about being sorry, or wishing he would talk to you, or how you promise to change: SHOW him (and yourself!) what you are going to be like when you get free of alcohol. It won't make a huge change in your husband today or even tomorrow... or maybe even, EVER, but keeping your focus on HIM right now can only make things worse.

best wishes,

wip

[Chelle12]

feeling so bad.

Fantastic parable about the mule in the well. "what seemed like it would bury him would actually bless him"... I really like that.. it makes us stronger, and that is what you need now no ma'am - to gather your strength. It sounds like you're really focusing too much on him, when you need to concentrate on YOU and getting yourself better.

[WaitingToExhale]

feeling so bad.

I'm so sorry noma'am that this is so rough on you, and he is being so hard on you. There are three things that popped into my head:

1) It WILL get better. It's all still so new and raw and tempers are still running high, but they will calm down. And you will calm down. The shower suggestion or a warm bath or a long walk and fresh air will do you good right now when you feel so stressed.

2) You said he was "wasted" too. Is perhaps fighting some demons as well? Could his flip-flop in its ok to being so angry about again have anything to do with perhaps inside acknowledging he may also have some issues? Just a thught that he may be feeling some guilt too?

3) This is a biggie to me because it comes from my soul. The Universe throws all kinds of crap at us and with it lessons. For the most part, we learn and grow from them, get stronger, kinder, wiser and many other things. Sometime we get tossed stuff and we just don't get what all of the lesson was about. That was me. It got sent, I ignored it. Sent again, returned unopened. Sent stronger and I never even bothered to pick up the mail.

Finally, upside the head like a cast iron pan, here it came, one last time. And in the process I lost one of the most incredibly beautiful things in my life. And it was in a large part because of my drinking.

So in all of your shame and hurt and the such you feel right now, at least be grateful that you got that damn PUSH you probably have needed for some time to bring you here, to admit to needing help, to start asking questions and putting a plan together and getting healthy again. There will come a day you will may actually be grateful for making an ass of yourself that night ...

Hugs to you. It is so hard, but it will get so much better.

WTE

[1morechance]

feeling so bad.

noma'am
I'm sorry you're going through this. The most important thing to think about is YOU right now. The shower idea is great, I would also take some calms forte to help with the anxiety. Think about what you want for yourself and what you can do for yourself; right now you want him to hold you and say that things will be ok but it doesn't sound like he's ready for that so take care of YOU and hopefully when he sees that you're taking care of yourself he'll realize that you love yourself and him.

[Accountable for Me]

feeling so bad.

It will get better! I felt like offing myself the first time I tried for sobriety. I couldn't deal with the feelings and guilt that came with a clear head. I kept pushing myself to start to forgive myself. You can't undo the past but you can make each and everyday forward a day that is full of hope, love and health.

It will get better. I feel like a completely different person now; and others think differently of me now as well.

Hugs to you!

[river0123]

feeling so bad.

No ma'mam, I really feel for you and do hope that you'll take the advise given here. If I can offer anything further, it would be that when forgiveness does come, you won't breathe the sigh of relief that lets you think you can have another chance with AL, too. Take this last experience and run as far as you can in the opposite direction of AL.
My husband is a constant (all day when he can) drinker and has no plans to stop. He says he's having fun, but to me, the embarrassment, hangover etc. were no longer fun. I had to step away. It isn't easy when your partner shoves it in your face, but you need to make the decision that enough is enough and try your best to stick with it. I read my original post quite often, as am soooo very grateful and pleased to have crawled out the hole I was in - I must be a mule or big ass - LOL!!!!
Best wishes to you.
Hugs, River:l:h

[vera-b]

feeling so bad.

Oh dear Noma'am,

Most of us have been where you are and felt the same self loathing. I myself have had a few of those non-talking weeks when Mr. Vera was just so angry with me. Even now, he's vocal that in NO way does he want to go back to those days. I used to think that it was unfair as well, because I wasn't all bad; and where was the credit for all the good stuff I was doing??? Well, that was my drinking mind defending itself (which it will do at any time) and it missed the point. Nothing good comes from getting drunk, period. I know that now.

One2 and WorkinProgress have given you 2 of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. Take them to heart. They are both so right. We're behind you all the way. Hoping for a peaceful weekend.

Vera-b

[nancy]

feeling so bad.

I think Waiting to exhale might have a point. Your husband's reaction may be partly related to his own issues with drinking. His coworkers might have had something to say about that too as well as anything you might have done.

You need to give this a little time for a resolution and just work on your drinking in the meantime. Use this setback to give you greater motivation for your non-drinking goals.

Build yourself up that you can achieve this, don't tear yourself down.

[kriger]

feeling so bad.

Noma'am,
The advice you have already received is invaluable if you choose to take it. The main thing is to focus on your own sobriety....this will not be easy but we are all here to lend support along the way. Don't try to figure out what is in your husband's head right now or torment yourself beating yourself up. Turn your focus and attention to yourself to get healthy and free of alcohol. The rest will eventually fall into place. Right now you need to work on getting your own mind in a better place, a more positive place to start this battle against AL. I wish you all the best and I look forward to getting to know you better. Go take that shower or bath to calm yourself down and then maybe start by making a list of reasons why you want AL out of your life. Kriger