What the hell have i done!

[lil.michelle]

Ok so as most of you know, i drank today (alot) while at my mothers and fathers, while looking after the babies. My mum and dad went insane (all in good reason) They took my little one off me, although i wasn't drinking with her in my personal care. I don't know why i did what i did. I've been slipping so much the past week and a bit. I've stopped taking my supplements, why, i don't know. I've just stopped caring. I've become weak. I've told everyone i was weak but i go to my mums house and there are bears, half drunk wine bottles everywhere. I just snapped today.
I was cruel to my father, aggressive with my mother and just sorry to my husband. My mum wants to see me tomorrow. I know i have to face her one day, better now then later. My dad is the one i'm really scared of tho. I just let everything spill. How dare he judge me when he drinks and overdoses on tablets to get high. He never does it in front of the kids tho which is so much better then what i did. I guess he's just better then me.

In a horrible way, i'm glad i drank and this happened. I'm now scared and affraid of drink, losing everything in my life. I feel this needed to happen to get me back on track. Maybe deep inside i did it for that reason, or maybe i'm just THAT stupid. I don't know. I feel strong inside, very calm, very relaxed, a little scared of facing my parents but i feel not lost anymore. I have a reason for staying sober. I've been so lost the past week, everyday i'd be saying... ok day 1 and screwing it up. I know i can't screw it up now. I have no choice but to stay sober. Grit my teeth and deal with the cravings.

I'm a real family girl who's been backed into a corner by drink. I kinda feel like i'm turning into the 'drunk/troubled britney spears'. I just want tomorrow over with. I can face everyone and watch them hate me, show me how pathetic and weak i am. My mum told me this site and everyone on it was bullsh*t. I flew at her. If it wasn't for this site and everyone on it, i'd be dead or have lost my family for sure. I'm the one to blame. I'm holding my hands up saying, i decided to drink, i picked up the bottle, i poured it out, i drunk it, i knew what i was doing, i just didn't care. I'm the selfish, stupid, pathetic loser who deserves to lose her family, her home, her job and her life. I'll not have anyone talk bad about this program. It's fine if they think it's rubish, after all everyone has veiws and ideas BUT NO ONE ever has the right to talk bad about anyone on this site ever. I'll not stand for that.

I am soo scared about tomorrow. I'm getting antabuse for sure. Damn it, what have i done. I love being sober! why did i do it! i'm just a worthless bit of crap who somehow manage to marry the most amazing man and have the most supportive parents which i just treat like crap and may have lost.

Sorry for the long post.

[New Day]

What the hell have i done!

Lil.michelle ----- they say sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can find your way free. Sounds like you know you've found your bottom and don't want to stay there. Get to your doctor, get the antabuse, keep posting here to know you're not the only one fighting this horrible illness. You've got a baby to live for and be there for .... you'll need to be strong and stay AF to guide her through her childhood and teen years.
Be straight with your family, and I'm sure they'll do whatever they can to support you...... perhaps no more visible AL when you come to visit. Stay strong --- it will be so worth it.

[KAT20]

What the hell have i done!

Lil. Michelle, You deserve to be happy and sober. You're right maybe this will get you mad enough to make that change in your life. You are also right the people on this website are a blessing. Get the help you deserve to take care of yourself and your family. Possibly a good therapist or even AA. I added AA to my arsenal about a month ago and I don't know why I did'nt go sooner. I'm sure there are people here more qualified than I am at your situation. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and will say a prayer for you and your babies.

[startingover]

What the hell have i done!

Michelle, it sounds like this is the turning point for you. Something has changed. All this has probably made you stronger, it is a learning experience. You are not worthless you are just trying to find your way, I think you will do it now.....

[bloggy]

What the hell have i done!

I am sorry you are having a hard time- but you are not crap. You are a lovely girl and a good mother who like the rest of us has become addicted to a poisonous substance through no fault of your own.
It is not your fault you became addicted, but it is our responsibility to do something about it.

Your parents must realise leaving drink lying all over the place is not a very good idea when you visit- I know it is their house and they can do what they want they could maybe put it away out of sight.

Dust yourself down, have your say with your parents, maybe you need to clear the air, get all your tools back out and try again!
I don't think anyone on this site has managed to stop the first time they decided their drinking was out of hand- failing seems to be part of finally succeeding.

[Fred75]

What the hell have i done!

Michelle,

I can completely relate i'm new here but I have lost my family to drinking and i will do everything in my power to help you so that doesn't happen to anyone you can beat it you can talk to us here.

[gyco]

What the hell have i done!

hi michelle,as someone said this addiction is no fault of yours,you inherited it,but as you also said you have to help you,this place is a good start,lots of support,rock bottom to me is usually death,i found this past year one of the finest things a person with this desease,can do is listen,how others, words ,can have such an impact on us,i found to after beingsober for 10 months the same happened to me,tht i could handle being around people drinking,it was fine in the beginning,but near the end they,would drink to muh,or take o many pain pilss,or make suggestive comments on how i use to be,as i was tot this year ,some have to remove themselves from the situation,as my councillor and brother said,eventually theylll ask where michelle is and maybe also stop drinking when your around,or you just dont go to the functions,,i no where i went this past winter has really helped my alchoholism,treatment center,30 days and all never be the same,i hope this helps gyco

[IAD]

What the hell have i done!

Just pick yourself up and start again ! ( not insenuating this about you....LOL) IAD.

[Waiting for his way out]

What the hell have i done!

I wish I could reach out and give you a real long hug. But, know I want to.

[Hopeful mom]

What the hell have i done!

Michelle, I am right there with you. I just know things have to get better. If I don't get myself straight I am going to lose my family. I receive so much encourgement from others on this sight. If I ever get this problem under control I want to be one of those encouragers!

[vera-b]

What the hell have i done!

LilMichelle,

You've been fighting this beast for some time, and maybe it took a blow out to jump start some real change. One of the things I have learned over the last few months is that it's so important to control my circumstances until I feel strong enough to withstand a challenge. By that I mean I did not have my favorite wine in the house at all in that first 30 days; and even to this day, keep very little on hand. My husband and I did not go out with the few friends who tend to drink a lot. I put off visiting my parents for several months - sad, but true - because they are not only a drinking trigger for me, but they have elevated cocktail hour to a high art form. I listened to the hypno cd's for a solid week before I visited them. The point of all this is you have to weave a coccoon around you for awhile until your AF lifestyle has a chance to get firmly rooted.

Explain this to your folks. Tell them they need to be a part of your support team, not a trigger. An honest discussion of your needs can be a real relationship booster. I'm wishing you the best. Hope all goes well and you're back here with that wonderful optimism we've seen before.

Vera-b

[gettingthere]

What the hell have i done!

Michelle,

Don't be so hard on yourself! If you are willing to tackle this problem, you deserve all the best! I honestly believe, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Anyone who beats this demon has to be a hell of a strong person, stronger that the average Joe.
And I don't believe you took that first drink "because you didn't care" . That was the 'beast' coaxing you to think it was a good idea. Alcoholism really is a beast. I can tell you are a very caring person. And if your parents are going to talk to you about your problem, its just because they care too.

Best wishes and good luck on your journey.

[FindInverseGetIdentity]

What the hell have i done!

Lil -

SO many have said it, but from rock bottom, only way is up.

You will do it , b/c you want to. Get those little babes back in your arms.


Don't beat yourself to a pulp, your baby needs a whole mom.

Gosh - I wish hugs could reach, buddy

Hugs, lil.mich



figi