newbie

[periwinkle]

I?m new here. I definately need to make changes in my drinking. I?ve had a lot of information, empathy, and compassion put in front of me in the past few days and I?m sorting through it all.

When I first found the My Way Out website I was encouraged because I thought it was an advocate of moderation management but it seems that most here advocate AF. I understand that moderating is more difficult than abstinence. I also realize that moderating is possible as I?ve read threads about people successfully moderating for 2 or more years.

I feel depressed and discouraged today. It seems like almost everyone is telling me that it?s all or nothing with the AL. It feels as though I?ve been told that my leg must be amputated and I keep looking for another opinion but keep being told that the leg must go. Hence the depression, or my next stage of grief perhaps.

It was really hard for me to muster the courage to post publically.
Please be kind in your responses.
Periwinkle

[tlrgs]

newbie

:hello2::colorwelcome::wave::groupluv:

[gabby1go]

newbie

Periwinkle,

Don't be discouraged. There are many mod people here. Some people can do it, others realize that it is not a choice. It has to be nothing at all. I believe that the first step is to do 30days AF then decide from there. That way you can totally detox and decide if it is an all or nothing thing for you. How much are you drinking now? Possibly what you are going through now is a sort of mourning due to the idea of not ever drinking again. There are many successful moderators. I hope to be one, eventually. Gabby.

[skootiemom]

newbie

Periwinkle,

I am modderating- successfully at this time. It is not an all or nothing deal. You can turn the train around and give it a whirl. It takes disiclpine and hard work, but in many cases it can be done.

Having said that, many can not moderate or choose AF. Many go AF after not being able to moderate or just find as they go along that AF is not as scary and find it more rewarding than they first thought.

After you spend some serious time and effort moderating, you will know which path will be for you. You are absolutely right to get other opinions.... moderating might relieve the pain and you keep the leg.... but in the end, you're right, moderating may not be enough and the leg might have to go... but by then you will be ready...

Good luck on your journey,

Skoots

[Helpwanted08]

newbie

Hi Periwinkle,
Welcome! This is a great site to come to for suppot. I just passed my 30 days and decided to go for another 30. It was not as bad as I thought and I am a little scared to try to moderate. I was drinking 2-3 glasses of white wine 4-5 nights a week and it was becoming a habit so I am not sure 30 days is long enough to break a habit. Why don't you try 30 days and decide from there like me. Whatever you decide keep posting and let us know how we can help you.
Help

[idbiscuit]

newbie

I empathize

Hi Periwinkle:
I understand your feelings. I wonder if part of it is the greiving part....knowing that to make such a change we may have to give up some things. like friends or activities. I had a talk with my friends this weekend and told them what I plan. I even told them that I thought to do this I might have to give up my friendships as they are for success. They were very supportive and assured me that our friendships aren't about drinking. But it seems to be such a focal point of all we do....
I am taking the plunge though today. I have been through the ups and downs of thinking I can do it in moderation. I feel as though in order to get to moderation I have to actually be AF for awhile.
Those that have fone before us know what we are going through. They will help to guide the way for us!!!
At the end of the day we are the only ones who can do this!

[periwinkle]

newbie

Thanks for the welcome.

gabby1go asked how much I drink. Well, I like to drink every night. Sometimes it is 1 and other times it is as many as 3-5. Other nights I don't drink but think about it a lot. My husband has made comments like he can't keep up, he would like to see me stop at 1 or 2 and have at least several AF nights per week. After some conversations with him about my drinking I started to try to hide my intake so that it would only appear that I had 1 or 2 (like I would go pour more tequila in my 1/2 glass of margarita when he got up to go use the bathroom). That's not sane behavior!
I just read tsfitness post in My Story. It sounds like she had a hard time opening up to her husband about it. This is my biggest issue right now. I can't get my head around beginning this conversation with my husband that I want to go AF for 30 days and that I need his help and support. It's not like he doesn't know I have the problem! And I know that he will be very loving and supportive. I just can't seem to get there yet (also not sane thinking!). Any ideas?

periwinkle

[gabby1go]

newbie

Maybe you should pose it as more of a challenge to yourself rather than that you have a problem. Or just start cutting down dramtically or go completely AF and just keep going to the 30 days. If he asks then talk about it if you want to. If you feel like you are mod'ing successfully then it may become a non-issue. You may find out that when/if you talk to him he may be feeling something similar about cutting back.

[lil.michelle]

newbie

Hi hun! :welcome:
Ok so the people on here are always kind!! Don't worry!
Whether we mod or give up AL depends on the person. I would love to be able to mod but after that first sip of wine, that' it, i'm gone. Many people are like me but many people can mod. Intead of worrying about it, why not try it. You'll need to be honest with yourself tho. The first few days/week maybe good but it's from then on. You need to be aware of what you're drinking and how much ect ect.
I really hope it work for you. I am a little worried how you're soooo worried and upset about giving up the drink.. Is it really tht nessesary in your life... do you HAVE to drink.... That would personally ring alarm bells to me but i don't know you or your situation.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide :l Keep posting and let us know how you're doing whether good or bad. We're here for you!

[GoodAsGold]

newbie

Hello and

:welcome:

Early days for me too. So glad you felt brave enough to speak up & join us!
I feel so much safer & hopeful too since finding MWO. The support & advice is amazing.
It will take effort & a lot of compassion for ourselves i'm sure. But being here is showing me CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

Keep coming back!

Gold

[periwinkle]

newbie

I'm less depressed than I was. Thanks for all your posts.
gabby1go I thought about that approach with my hubby too and thank you for your thoughts. I think for me though it feels a little deceptive to not talk to him about it. I'm taking kudzu and just got some L-glut. I'm amazed at the decreased desire already to drink. But feel weird about not telling him about it. I think that the biggest single thing that got me to admit I have a problem is when I lied to my husband about how much I had drank before he got home from work. I lied to him! I don't lie to him, we respect each other and trust each other. Al made me lie to my best friend and greatest supporter. So I have to talk to him about it. I think it is fear that is holding me back. Maybe it's just going to be timing.
Any one else experience a "how to talk to the spouse" crisis?
periwinkle

[periwinkle]

newbie

scootiemom,
Thanks for continuing the leg amputation analogy. You are right... I can try to save the leg. If I do all I can to save it and it works, awesome (even though I may still walk with a limp). If it has to go later, this way, I will always know that I did all I could to try to save it.
I will try moderating. Thanks for the support!
periwinkle

[gabby1go]

newbie

I have talked to my husband at length about it. I owned up to everything. He knows that I am trying. I would like to mod (if I can) but need to have a stretch of AL free days. I am feeling so good right now I don't care if I ever have another drink. However, I too feel the honest approach is best. Best to do it now before the lying about how much you drank before he got home turns into hiding bottles. Just let him know that you want to cut down and need his support. Figure out before the conversation what "support" means to you. I found that being honest with my DH gave me the support I needed and kept me "in check" so to speak. I am sure that he will support you. Just be you and I am sure it will be fine.
We are here if you need us. Gabby.

[Starlight Impress Forever]

newbie

Hi periwinkle and welcome.

Glad to hear you`re feeling a little more comfortable with the aims of the site.

As you say, many here do consider it easier to go AF than try to moderate. I am one such person, simply because I had so many failed attempts at mods........I finally gave in and accepted that for me personally........mods could never work.

Again, as you say, we do indeed have some very successful moderators among our members, but likewise, we also have many members who find mods something of a constant struggle.

All in all, it all comes down to personal preference when opting to moderate our drinking or abstain altogether. We also have to acknowledge our own strengths and weaknesses when making our choice.

For me personally, AF works........it`s that simple for me, so I`ll stick with what works. However, I will never ever "promote" the AF lifestyle to any other member, because what works for me won`t necessarily work for them and also because we all have the right to make our own decisions and to have those decisions respected by fellow-members.

The only time I would ever gently suggest an AF period to another member, would be if someone were to post that they have repeatedly failed in their moderation goal........in that case,I do believe that a considerable AF period is required before attempting mods again.

I think you`ll find that we all try our best here........mutual repect is a fundamental of this site, whilst we all strive to address our shared problem in whichever way is best for us personally.

Love and strength to you,

Darling x

[vera-b]

newbie

Hi Periwinkle,

I felt a lot of synergy with your struggles with truth with your husband. This month my beloved and I will be married 27 years, and those years have been built on trust and love - except where alcohol is concerned. That is the one area where my pride and addiction just wouldn't allow me to be totally honest. The irony, of course, is that I was fooling no one. He KNEW I was drinking too much. So, when I discovered the MWO site, I was straight with him. I acknowledged that I needed to do something about my drinking (dah, he was thinking!) and told him I was going to use the tools of this site to help me. I added that I needed his support - which didn't include him knowing everything (my pride needed a little personal space). He still doesn't know my online name, but he is so pleased with the progress. In the 4+ months I've been here, our relationship has done nothing but blossom. It's amazing how humbling and cleansing honesty between partners is. I know you will find wonderful support and promise here. Just clue in that husband of yours. You may be totally surprised at how wonderful they can be!

Vera-b