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Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

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    #1

    Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

    I replied to a post the other day (I think it was Rachelita's) about how family members responses can be a trigger to drink and I mentioned about my parents.

    Well today's conversation with mother really takes the biscuit.

    Yesterday, I mentioned that I was trying to change my lifestyle and got a voluntary job with a cat's refuge.. well, I thought even my mum cant lecture me about that, and surely she'd be pleased that Im doing something worthwhile?
    Not a chance.
    All I got was - "what about you petrol costs there and back?" " you'll be out of pocket" and "What about bringing diseases back to your house... what about your son... do you want him to get ill?"

    Jeez.
    I cant win.

    ALSO...
    I spent the ENTIRE weekend cleaning and scrubbing my living room and dining room and when my dad brought back my son on the sunday (he always spends saturday nights over at his grandparents) I showed my dad my handiwork an all I got was a grunt abiout the paint marks on the table and how I'd "ruined it".
    I just sighed at him and said "You know... there's people who would spend friday/saturday nights out boozing, and I spent my weekend working like a trojan on cleaning this place.... I should have KNOWN Id get a lecture rather than a 'good job' comment."
    He actually replied that I deserved the lecture.

    Why the f*** do I bother even TRYING to change?
    ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?
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    #2
    Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

    Chelle, if you "bother ... trying to change" in order to get others to change (to get others to praise you), then you are right... might as well not bother....

    Aside from "acts of God" (hurricanes etc.) the biggest class of phenomena that we CANNOT change is: other people, and how they behave, and how they treat us.

    If we learn to treat ourselves well, and refuse to let our lives and emotions be controlled by others, then sometimes others will actually begin treating us differently (better) as well... but it's no guarantee.

    We have to do this kind of work for ourselves (and maybe for our children, if we have kids)... and not to get the approval of others...

    Enjoy your clean house! Now, that really does feel good, doesn't it?? You're doing great.

    best wishes,

    wip

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      #3
      Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

      Wip - You're right.
      Im used to living my entire life on trying to please others... my parents, my son, my fiance... even the dogs...
      It's exactly how Ive lived..
      When I fail, I turn to the bottle.

      I need to start living for ME.
      ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

      Comment

        #4
        Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

        trouble is.. I dont know where to start.
        Im 34 years old and constantly seeking approval from them.
        ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

        Comment

          #5
          Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

          Thanks Gia,
          I have relied on my parents a lot financially over the years, and now am trying to repay them by working in the family business.. so I guess I feel I owe them a lot (hence the constant need for approval).
          I just feel like Ive failed whenever I get their feedback, and I seem to live and thrive on the odd compliment they pass my way.

          Sad.. I know...
          And heres' me with two flaming psychology degrees.. cant even analyse myself!
          ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

          Comment

            #6
            Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

            Aw, thanks O2M
            Yeah, my living room looks like something off an advert, lol... all spick and span.. I'll be getting the "Mr Muscle" people over asking advice!

            AND, Ive put a tablecloth over the "ruined" dining table... so THERE, Pops!

            Onwards and upwards
            ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

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              #7
              Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

              The old saying goes HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS BEST...Another saying that you could use on your dad is (some people GO THRU LIFE...you intend to GROW THRU YOURS)...
              sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

              Comment

                #8
                Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                Way to go, Chelle!! OneTwo is right!!

                I looked up a link to the absolute BEST self-help book I have ever seen (and I look at a lot of them to see what's good, to recommend to students and patients). Cannot recommend it highly enough. It's called Emotional Alchemy. You might take a look, see if you can find it used on Amazon or something.

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                  #9
                  Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                  one2many;432880 wrote: Good stuff Chelle, shake the negativity off and put on a bit of DM and dance around your lovely living room!
                  Currently playing DM's "HOME"... cos it's where I want to be and proud of it.
                  NOW. going to cook my partner and son's favourite dinner: Chicken , with garlic, cream and pesto.. and play with my dogs.

                  Thanks guys, and especially you O2M - you're a wee Angel
                  ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                    WIP - Thanks so much for that! Going to go find it on Amazon now.

                    Evielou - I love that phrase.. going to print it out and stick iton my kitchen wall
                    ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                      Hi Chelle

                      Both of those things sound like really good moves in the right direction. I think you probably were the person who had a huge amount of time on your hands right, with a part-time job and then drinking a lot during the day? The volunteering should be good for you.

                      I think when you notice that people are not encouraging good things, it's time to hold back on revealing yourself and finding others who are supportive. Sometimes they can be negative as a means of controlling you, and other times it could be some other reason, like they had a bad day/unhappy with their own selves or they are competitive with you and don't want to see you do well (I am not talking about your parents in particular here but generally.)

                      I think it is a good time for you to move past this way of behaving, behind dependent on others and then using alcohol when you feel badly. So maybe this could be a learning experience for you. Perhaps also, you could talk to a counselor about this.

                      Why do you owe them so much money? Is it related to drinking?

                      I also wonder, are you as attentive when other people give you compliments? Or do you dismiss them and focus on the negative?

                      Nancy

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                        #12
                        Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                        Hi Nancy, I do have a lot of time on my hands now, with my son getting to his teenage years Im not 'needed' as much, but still need to have Easter/Christmas/Summer as well as two half terms a year off work.. so I cant really ask for a more "understanding" employer to giving me so muctime off as that of my folks. Cant really see any other employer allowing me so much time off, so it kinda works...but Im still left with way too much time to mope about.
                        I love being a homebird, but I really do think I need something to occupy my time - Im not confident yet to be able to work with people and I certainly dont want to go back to being a bar maid (!) so I thought voluntary work with animals would be a good thing for me... something to keep me busy, d also something really worthwhile... and who knows? maybe it would increase my confidence too.

                        Your last comment has given me pause for thought...
                        I do tend to shrug off compliments from my fiance... he'll say stuff like "you're gorgeous" when I've just woken up - no make-up or nowt, lol - and I cant help but think "WHERE??? My hair's a mess, Ive no make-up and Im groggy!"

                        Im the kinda person who wont answer the door to the postie without some lippie on though, so maybe Ive got some insecurity problems to assess.?
                        Actually, my postman and I have this 'understanding'... He KNOWS I wont answer the door, but I leave the porch door unlocked so he puts any parcels there and just rings the bell and leaves..lol!
                        ?I am playing all the right notes... But not necessarily in the right order.....?

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                          Well volunteer work sounds like a good solution for now. Or freelance/temporary work. To be honest I don't know if what your mother said about diseases has a grain of truth in it but there must be a way to help protect against that. And it's not like you have a baby at home.

                          I asked about how you take compliments becauase you are so intensely moved by what your parents say so it made me wonder if you are drawn to negative comments and focus on them. It could be that your parents are angry at you about your drinking problem or maybe they are just controlling people. But for some reason you haven't learned to shrug it off yet despite being in your 30s.

                          So really, maybe it isn't about them. Maybe you should just look at how you see yourself and the world and start focusing on positive things like what your boyfriend tells you. Since you have a psychology degree, no doubt you have come across cognitive behavior therapy and this is great for helping see distorted thoughts. It's such a huge relief to free yourself from what other people think or what we imagine they think.

                          And of course, drinking causes depression, which reinnforces a negative view of the world. So maybe as you have less, you will feel better about yourself and more able to shake off negative comments or see them in perspective.

                          On top of getting more supportive people around you, you can develop a more supportive relationship with yourself and be less likely to turn to alcohol.

                          Good luck and keep us posted.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                            One other thing... might be useful for you to read

                            You can heal your life by Louise Hay
                            and
                            Feeling Good
                            Feeling Good Home Page

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

                              Chelle I've gone past all the responses here after reading you post so I don't get swayed in anyway to responding 'likewise'. My initial opinion is that parents will always strive to live their lives through their kids. When Jasmine grows up and starts experimenting with alcohol and drugs (which she will), there is no way possible I can change her point of view on things and tell her otherwise. She has to learn for herself at the end of the day and I can only be there to guide her if I can the best way I know how. That is not telling her what the fuck to do with her life. It seems YOUR parents want better things for you as they see themselves as failures because you drink the way you do. At heart they only want what's best for their daughter but the generation gap makes that difficult to understand I guess. I'm no expert but Christ I've lived with my mother for just over a year now and we tend to give one another support. My dad died back in 2003 and my gran only last year. She had no-one for emotional support apart from me. My situation is totally different I agree. But I recently talked to her about my drinking which made a BIG difference in my life.

                              Parents are always gonna find fault with what you do. That's what they do sometimes. I love my mum to bits but, by god, can she test my patience at times. She has been down and depressed about my drinking because she hasn't been able to distance herself from it. Finally last week we sorted things out after 16 months of me feeling like a leper.

                              Don't take this to heart Chelle. At the end of the day they are your parents and they are only human with flaws like you and me. Ours obviously run deeper because of our alcoholism. Maybe it's time to sit them both down and lay ALL your cards on the table. It worked for me.

                              Love and Happiness
                              Hippie
                              xx
                              "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                              Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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