Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

[Chelle12]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Hi again,
Feeling a lot better now, so thanks for all your help and advice.
Hippie - Ive tried talking to them both about my problems and how I WANT and need help, but its the 'stigma' attached to alcoholism that I think is making them ignore it.. its probably an embarrassment to them. Sometimes, I think I regret opening up to them because its making eeven more suspicious and 'strict' with me. (Yes, I know I ma grown woman and past the stage of strict parents.. but they do seem to have a hold over me).

Anyway, Im going to now concentrate on the positive... Im a good cook, a good mother and my son, fiance and two fluffy dogs love me
Its a good start!

C

[lil.michelle]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Hi hun.
Sounds like my parents. It's hard but you know what, you're the mum now, anything you do, any change you make do it for your son. Stop going to your parents for praise... they seem like mine, never see the postives but always see the negitives. Never count the postives steps me take but keep count of all the small steps back we make.
Change for your son, clean the house for your son. Make him proud cause he takes it all in no matter what the age.

[hippie37]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Chelle Just wanted to send you big hugs darling:l:l. It's not easy I know. I'm fortunate that my mum swayed one way where it seems your parents are swaying the other. It was never gonna be easy to admit to my folks let alone myself that i had a problem. It's the kind of attitude that your folks hold that has held me back for so long. I needed them to understand NOT try and 'fix' me or feel ashamed of me. I was nearly 'barred' from attending my own brothers wedding because my mum felt I would end up getting pissed and ruining the whole day. In hindsight I don't blame her I suppose. But it still left me feeling less than human. I guess I've come a long way with mum now since my dad died and I guess she's starting to finally understand me a bit better. i don't know whether that's because my dad is not alive today but one thing I do know is that she has been through hell with my drinking and for her to finally 'let go' has been the biggest aid to my sobriety yet. I was in fear of waiting till she was on her death bed for her to finally let go and see me as the man I truly am rather than the addiction/alcoholism that has blinded her for so long.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[tlrgs]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

first off who are you changing for them or you and your son.. dont look for respect from them look for respect in yourself ..stay strong and think positive

[GoodAsGold]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

You dont say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I think when you notice that people are not encouraging good things, it's time to hold back on revealing yourself and finding others who are supportive. Sometimes they can be negative as a means of controlling you, and other times it could be some other reason, like they had a bad day/unhappy with their own selves"

Great obervation Chelle.
I figure when anyone else opens their mouth all they do is tell me about how THEY FEEL not WHO I AM

Have very similar situation with my Ma
Spent years listening to her point of view (usually judgement & fear) then feeling almost breathless with fury when she wouldn't listen 2 me. I couldn't argue my case - how unfair is that??? (And i'm in my forties! not that that makes a blind bit of difference)

Applied the above & realised - her words were all about her, not about me at all. she was judged terribly in her youth, endured horrors ive never known, was abandoned & has grown up 2 b a fearful person. She talks of fear & judgement because that's what she feels, thats her script (learnt long, long ago & she's been unable 2 change it)

And (the hardest part 4 me) she has 2 be responsible 4 her feelings & sorting them out, just as i am responsible 4 mine. I cant make her happy or proud or anything. I can only share in her joy & sympathise as she fights her own demons

Serenity prayer springs 2 mind here
"accept the things i cannot change"
i can't change my Ma or her feelings
I can only change me

Since i decided this, i can draw certain boundaries which i was 2 scared 2 b4 when i needed her approval (I didn't want 2b the cause of her upset but realise now that her getting upset is her choice/programming, not my fault at all) I take as much of her as i can handle on any particular day, then i move on. Either change the subject or excuse myself.

Instead of needing her to fulfil my needs i finally am learning to accept her JUST AS SHE IS (sound familiar guys???) & take my needs elsewhere. It's bloody difficult at times! (learning curve, learning curve girl). But you know what? Since i decided this i can now hear my Ma's pain & i feel a whole lot less judged. It's about her, not about me. I feel such compassion 4 her. I hear her more clearly because i'm not waiting my turn any more. When i'm with her it's all about her. I need nothing fom her any more (well, very little) because she doesn't have what i need. She gave me what she could, she can do no more.

Thank God I have other options. I now find others 2 support me, more appropriate & qualified people (like you guys!!!) That's why i loved Chelle's quote - if i have a toothache i don't go 2 Ma, i go 2 the bloody dentist. I dont lay that on her any more, she's simply incapable. She gave me life. Then i entered hers. Now i'm moving on. And i'm so glad 2 have found a way of keeping her by my side

Still takes an effort though - she's knows where all those buttons are & she sure needs 2 keep pressin them...Bless!!! I'll miss her when she's gone. There's a lot of love there. She only gets pissed at me because she cares. Now i can let her do that - in her own sweet way!
Amen

Thanks 4 the ramble, you've touched a nerve
Love 2 all

Gold

[GoodAsGold]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Sorry - quote was from Nancy!
Thanks Chelle 4 thread
O2M - great advice - get up & shake your thang!
Hi again Hips - my ex had his big toe-nails removed - put me off not one bit ; )
xxx

Gold

[A Work in Progress]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

That's a GREAT post, GG!

What you said touches on many of my own experiences, and problems, and learning curve with my own very judgmental, controlling mother...

wip

[GoodAsGold]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Thanks WIP
Have found MUCH inspiration from your posts. Thankyou

Helped me a lot to get it out. It's a very powerful bond isn't it, with our mother? And fathers too of course - mine died @ 10 years ago so he's out of the picture as far as letting him know i can love & accept him in a more tolerant way. I've applied the learning 2 him in retrospect tho, as far as accepting him. It helps things make much more sense. Much less anger & regret...

Weird tho?
I can read again & again & again about WHAT TO DO (drop my baggage/let go of the past/accept other people/accept myself)
but HOW 2 do it???

Think it's quite interesting tho that worked best w my Ma was - keeping my mouth closed & going "Mmmm" often. The VERY OPPOSITE of what i felt i needed (to talk)?!?!

Feel there's something akin 2 a "Law of opposites" going on here
yin/yang maybe?
be great if we could apply it 2 AL issues

Keep safe, you're very special

Chelle - I envy you, a clean house I have not got! Be proud & dance in yours. Shine your light.
Was lookin at the cobwebs 2day. Thought - maybe they can wait till after Hallowe'en - the real deal
Or am i just in denial???

Gold

[vera-b]

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother

Hi Chelle,

This has got to be one of the most interesting threads I've read in days. You touched a nerve - that bond that attracts/repels with our parents - and all the sticky mess that goes with it. Nancy, WIP, Hippie and Good have given such thoughtful responses. I'd love to add some more thoughts, but am coming up dry. Think I'll just shut up and read. I think I've got a few things to learn in this department.

Vera-b