Life outta control

[cke123]

Hi everyone-

Well, it just seems like I cannot get more than a day under my belt. I drank so many beers yesterday. Talked on the phone all night (cringe) and god knows what else. What the fuck is wrong with me. How can I sit here day after day and watch my life go on this way. How many times am I going to half ass something at work because I am too hungover to care...too paranoid to eat...
Why don't I like myself enough to get better? Why?

[Evie.Lou]

Life outta control

You are sick with the disease of alcohol my dear...There is no other explaination needed.The DRINK took me, I no longer had a choice in the matter.Just like if you had Cancer...wouldn't you find out all that you could about what treatments were available and then get a plan of recovery..It does no good to beat yourself up.If you are willing to admit you are not as powerful as the alcohol and that you need help to start to recover, then you are headed in the right direction..

[bloggy]

Life outta control

Hi CKE

If its any consolation (It isn't, I know) but that's how just about each and everyone of us here has felt, many many times.

You say you can't get more than a day under your belt, but 1 day is actually an achievement- I tried last year for months to do 1 day AF, and never managed. happily now, I do manage AF days, not many, but it is an improvement.

Just keep posting, keep reading, try everything that resonates with you. Eventually a few things will stick. I'll get there in the end, and so will you.

[boozehag]

Life outta control

Do you have a plan? That is the key to the whole thing. RJ devised a plan for herself and has made it available to us so we dont have to figure it out for ourselves - and the beauty of it is that it can be modified for you own personal circumstances and it does work. I dont know if you are trying to do it cold turkey but that is really hard and I tried that for many years - I couldnt tell you how many times I said never never again but without a PLAN or a plan of attack it just wasnt going to happen.
BH

[vertigo]

Life outta control

You just keep on trying and you'll get there! I totally agree with marbella that even one day is an achievement, and just keep taking it one day at a time.
Don't look back, just keep looking ahead and try to keep the glass (water- of course!) "half full", not "half empty"!!

[cke123]

Life outta control

Thanks guys...

It's like I just don't give a shit...yesterday I rushed to the store to get beer so I could sit and gossip on the damn phone...I don't even like talking on the phone if I am not drinking.....I told myself on the way there..."dont do this" and I wouldn't listen...

[tryinhard]

Life outta control

I know exactly how you feel!

There is not a trip to the store when I am not asking myself, what are you doing? You are going to feel like shit tomorrow. STOP.... And the drunk conductor inside of me running the show somehow manages to move my arms and my legs like a marionette and puppet my mouth to make the words, "I'll have another." I don't know why, or how, but it happens; to everyone! Have faith!

[cke123]

Life outta control

I know tryinghard.....

I feel the same way....i just dont care at that time. its CRAZY. and I had over a 12 pack!

[tryinhard]

Life outta control

Makes no sense at all! I had a therapist once that asked if I was ready to mourn my drinking. I wasn't sure what he meant, although I played it off as though I did, but I think that I am starting to get it. Its a relationship, a shitty one, but a relationship nonetheless. And I guess on some level, you have to be prepared to break up to really accept it. That's the best I can think of it. I find solace in looking at it this way:

It?s hard to stay mad at the world while looking at the sun melt its way into the western gulf, looking the way that orange jello does when you add too much water. Looking up at the sky and watching a jet leave scratch marks on that grand canvas makes me believe that neither I, nor you, nor any of us are all that important, and that this pain that once consumed me is slowly becoming prologue for something else. Part of me is sad to let it go, while another part of me awaits anxiously for its departure, knowing that what comes next is so much more deserving of my attention, my adoration, my undying love. Its dusk now, and the myriad of colors that dance across the sky glisten in my eyes the way that you used to and I am not sad, and there is no melancholy; there is but the memory of something that has passed, and the anticipation for what is to come.

[boozehag]

Life outta control

I used to buy bottles of wine all the time every couple of days. Then I joined MWO and one of the things I decided early on was just not to buy any AL. On the basis that if I didnt buy any I couldnt drink any. Of course I was also taking the supplements and stop smoking/drinking medication which obviously helped too and I was planning ahead for things to do around my trigger times. Very surprisingly it did not take long at all for me to get used to not stopping off and buying any alcohol - maybe a couple of weeks at most - not even that long. If you figure out when is the most likely time you will buy AL then you can try and trick yourself out of doing it - for example leaving your credit card at home or whatever for long enough to get used to it. Its all about tricking the brain into new patterns of behaviour.
BH

[boozehag]

Life outta control

If you have to go to the supermarket go in the morning or go at at time when you wont want to buy any AL and just tell yourself that you can get some later if you need it. Then by the time you need it you will have to make a special trip and if you take some L-glut or go for a walk or a swim or something else that you enjoy and it will pass and you are on to another day. Anyway thats just my tuppence worth. Main thing is to try to stay a couple of steps ahead of yourself.....
BH

[vlad]

Life outta control

I feel for you Cke - I got frustrated when I couldn't seem to do more than 1 day AF. Finding MWO has been very helpful - it took a while (I joined in June) but last month I managed 30 days AF. Before going AF I'd worked at cutting down my drinking (to 2 beers a night) of which I was quite successful (albeit a few slips), prior to that I'd been drinking around 2-3 beers and half a litre of vodka nearly every night.

[Cinders]

Life outta control

cke,

I just want to add to what everyone else has said.

Some of the "older timers" here took a couple years to get sober.

This is quite simply NOT EASY. No. Not easy at all.

It comes faster for some and slower for others.

It is not a race.

It is a fight for your life.

Keep fighting. Don't give up trying to give up. Okay?

You will get there. IF you keep trying.

The fact that you are here tells me you are a fighter. You may have to go many rounds before you KO this thing but just keep it up and you will win.

Love,
Cindi

[A Work in Progress]

Life outta control

You've gotten great feedback already, I just want to join in and add what I often say: WHY ask why? The "why" questions can be interesting and can be never-ending sources of distraction from the true task, which is engaging in the work of change. And "work" it is. It's a 2-part deal: first, gathering up all the determination and commitment you can get, perhaps out of the disgust you have expressed from what you have been doing (feeling like an obedient robot, basically, to your urges and cravings); and second, a good plan of action that structures your day into doing things in such a way as to minimize the temptations to drink, and so as to maximize your chances of success.

You can do this if/when you want to badly enough.

Best wishes,

wip

[vera-b]

Life outta control

Hi Cke,

Of course WIP is right in that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. However, I must acknowledge Tryin's beautiful prose. That is some of the most beautiful imagery I've ever seen. I'm going back after this post to re-read it. If this is what it takes to get us off the booze, I'm a subsciber.

Vera-b