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Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

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    #1

    Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

    I could be totally wrong here, but I sometimes feel telling ppl how sorry you are for them is not that constructive...

    I know there are circumstances when it is the only thing to say. Like death, diagnosis of cancer or AIDS or any other killer. I fully realize that alcohol is a killer too, but it is also emotional as it actually is within our control to stop; albeit incredibly difficult to do.

    I also realize the physical dependency of alcohol. Shit, I have withdrawl symptoms to prove it!

    I think though, that because alcohol is a depressant, that constantly telling ppl who are struggling how sorry you are for them can sometimes make them feel worse?

    Wouldn't words of cheering them on be better? Optimism vrs sympathy?

    I know that I am most likely guilty of being overly empathetic or sympathetic in posts or replies. I pledge to do my best to now be much more positive. Unless I am informed that that is not what is needed at the moment. As I do understand and have felt that all I need is sympathy.

    Gosh, I feel so conflicted here!

    Anyone else feel this way?
    It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.
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    #2
    Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

    I do not mean do undermine any of the aforementioned diseases (aka cancer and AIDS). I realize how they can be emotional killers as well.
    It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

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      #3
      Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

      Rache, it is VERY difficult to know how best to respond to tales of woe! I try to respond with compassionate encouragement, and challenges to find constructive solutions... and some here think that I am lacking in sympathy. I don't do much in the way of electronic hugging! What is good, I think, is that there are a lot of different approaches taken by different people. Some who have posted about their awful situations will respond better to lots of electronic hugs and sympathy; others will respond better to messages encouraging constructive change. There is plenty of both to go around, in most cases! Eventually, we can hope, the right kind of response will click, and will prove helpful in getting the person into moving toward a better situation...

      wip

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        #4
        Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

        I think you have a point, but I think everyone has they're own way to encourage. I've heard the I'm sorry you feel bad and the you can do this! Both ways, as long as they're people willing to listen and lend support. That's whats important. But we should always try to stay positive!!:h
        :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.

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          #5
          Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

          WIP ---- I think "compassionate encouragement" is the right balance.

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            #6
            Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

            WIP,
            Yeah, it IS difficult!! We are all so different in spite of the common ground of battling AL. That's why we have so many conflicts. Just as in any organization. Common interests with totally different feelings towards them...
            It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

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              #7
              Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

              If you look at everyones tales of woe (could be why they are here in the first place) in a positive manner, would it not help you realise that you are not alone?

              People are here because something is not right, this is not the place for fairytales, this is the place for like minded people to be there for each other, it is not personal, we just go through the same stuff...

              There is no pat on the shoulder here, but insead, we get something deeper........people who understand why we are here!

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                #8
                Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                I'm not referring to each "I'm so sorry". There are just some that I read that I, personally not need be posted.

                Like I said, I may very well be wrong.

                I really am a very compassionate person.

                I just don't agree with saying "I'm so sorry for you" at times.

                I apologize, I really do, for this opinion.

                I am quite younger than most of those I have encountered here and perhaps I lack the maturity??
                It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                  Rachelita;441045 wrote: I'm not referring to each "I'm so sorry". There are just some that I read that I, personally not need be posted.

                  Like I said, I may very well be wrong.

                  I really am a very compassionate person.

                  I just don't agree with saying "I'm so sorry for you" at times.

                  I apologize, I really do, for this opinion.

                  I am quite younger than most of those I have encountered here and perhaps I lack the maturity??
                  Rache I don't doubt that you are compassionate... perhaps it's not clear what exactly you are saying. What, for you, would be a helpful response? Is it OK for someone to say s/he is "sorry" that you are feeling so awful (if you said that you were)? Or are you referring to actual messages where someone says "I feel sorry for you"? I don't recall seeing anyone here saying that... Have you seen that? I would definitely feel offended if someone said s/he was feeling "sorry for me"! Probably age doesn't enter into that, either!

                  wip

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                    #10
                    Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                    Was referring to another message.

                    Think it's time I dropped this since I see it's only causing conflict-which I don't want to do.

                    Rach
                    It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                      Hi Rachelita

                      It's hard to know excactly what you are getting at but I think WIP hit on the right theme. This has come up so often on the boards.

                      I think as someone else said that it is good to be heard no matter where you are at.

                      Some others think a tougher approach helps snap someone out of problems. I imagine this is what your sister is like given the harsh tone of her letter to you and her name ("enough already").

                      What are you like? With your drinking problem, do you want to have someone to tell you they really feel for you when you are down or tell you to shape up and not encourage your sad feelings? The answer to that question really varies so much.

                      I think there is something to be said for just leeting someone know that they are being heard. I know for me, I would want someone to feel for me but also to get some constructive advice on how to get out if it's out there.

                      So in terms of giving advice, I try to do that. I try to be concrete if I know of anything. People who have a drinking problem can also have depression (whether by cause or effect) and can be overly negative and attack themselves. So I try to point out those situations when I see them.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                        Hi Rachelita

                        Just a question... how old are you? I'm younger then most here, i'm 25. Anyway back to your message. I don't think there is anything wrong with 100 people telling someone they are sorry for how they feel. We come to this site and open up and i personally believe that people are sorry for how we feel as they have been through or in a simular situation and know what it feels like. Most people also give words of enouragement and advice which is also great. I think it really depends of the person answering the post. It is a difficult question but i really don't think it matters as long as we are all here for one another, support each other through the good and the bad and the damn right heart breaking situations we find ourselves in from AL.

                        Anyway, take care you and stay strong.

                        BYE XXXXXX

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                          #13
                          Not sure everyone wants to hear how sorry everyone else is for them...?

                          Rach

                          I think generally the comments heard here are that we are sorry that the person is going through that experience rather than we are 'sorry for them' as people?

                          We all have to go through shitty stuff that is sometimes not directly a result of the drink- when I hear someone is having a hard time I feel sorry they have to deal with that situation while they are also struggling so hard to give up the booze, and will voice that- but it is sympathy that they have an added problem to deal with, rather than feeling sorry for them, as such.

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