AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

[chiizus]

I am brand new to this program but am fairly convinced that based on the extent of my problems, I would like to try moderating first. My boyfriend is convinced that this is simply not an option and says if I use any alcohol at all, he's leaving me.

I honestly don't think I can just go AF cold turkey. Maybe later, but not now. And I want to believe that with this program, I could learn to be a "normal" drinker who could still occasionally enjoy a few drinks with my friends and whatnot.

How do I try to get my boyfriend to at least be open to letting me give moderation a try? I understand why he thinks it's not an option-- I've tried before on my own and always relapse. I felt like it was hopeless and that I was worthless for being unable to do it. But when I read about this program and the supplements and medications that can help, I felt like it might actually be possible to succeed.

I've been AF for two days now (on day 3 now), but I really don't think I can just completely stop forever. In fact, it's a really sad though to me. I'd be the oddball whenever I hang out with my friends because I couldn't have a beer. They'd all either act like I was weird or pathetic. I'd probably not want to see my friends at all because in most social situations, alcohol is present and I'd be sad and feel awkward. Not to mention tempted to drink. I don't want to have to either be miserable or give up my friends. I just want to be normal. But right now, boyfriend is controlling everything. How do I convince him to let me try things my own way? I understand why he doesn't trust me, but how can he ever trust me if he doesn't let me try?

[DeeBee]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

Welcome Chiizus,

You sound just like me when I joined.... I was not prepared to give up AL at all, just wanted to get my drinking to a more acceptable level. The funny thing is once I started the program my idea of moderation changed - I was no longer happy drinking one glass of wine a day.... it's still AL EVERYDAY! So I changed my goals. Long story short I did 2 months AF and I am now modding. Those 60 days AF were detremental to my journey.... 90 days would have been better but I am well chuffed with 60.

Have you considered showing your bf this website? It is understandable when our partners don't trust us anymore, I for one have destroyed my hubby's trust on more occassions than I care to remember.... but I have earned his trust again by involving him in my journey and proving to him that I am dealing with my AL problem in a mature and dedicated manner.

The MWO program is a tool to help us overcome our addiction and is in no way a quick fix... the journey can be painful and confusing at times, but with perserverance, dedication and the wonderful support of the peeps here YOU CAN DO IT!!

[gyco]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

my dear chi,as youll lern here were here for you not the guy,cant tell you to ditch him,but this is not for him its for you a far as modding tht is up to you,som can and some cant we my dear are here for support,ask the freinds if they would mind not drinking when your around and sewe how tht goes over ask him if he is so intent on you stopping i hope it helps gyco

[hippie37]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

Chi I don't mean to be harsh but has he seen it one too many times before; your promises to cut back or take a break from it. I ALWAYS ended up back at square one with my ex girlfriend after a while, no matter what. She stuck with me because deep down she loved me but there was only so much 'pushing' I could do once I kept returning to the drinking patterns I was in. It was only through getting sober and staying that way for a few months that I understood the extent of my problems and how deeply they ran. I came late to the forum after I had been sober for a few months anyway so I haven't really followed the MWO program. But I do believe an abstinence period of 30 days is advised in the beginning to clear your mind. Does that seem like such a hard task for you right now? How bad IS your drinking? ME I was a total binge drinker plus I was into the party/rave scene and taking drugs as well. It's been a big change in my life to turn away from that and I still struggle today with it. for me it's a thinking problem and not a drinking problem. Always has been and always will be. when I THINK too much about my problems It weighs so heavy on me that I end up drinking.

I think your boyfriend giving you an ultimatum may be not what you need right now though. You have to do this for YOU and not him or anyone else. I did that in the past and promised to give up or cut back because of my girlfriend or my newly born daughter (at the time). It's never gonna work unless YOU want to quit or get YOUR life back on track without the booze ruling your life. I've been at this since 2nd June last year and as I said earlier it's been hard for me to give up a lifestyle that's been with me since I started out as hippie/New-Age Traveller back in 1989. It's been ingrained in my head that the free-party spirit and festivals and squat parties was what it's all about. Fight the system and all that!!. Changing my life was never gonna be easy and it was never gonna happen over night. I simply didn't drink too much etc. My whole life was about the party lifestyle and I shunned all responsibilities.

Chi whatever you decide to do stick around and keep posting because this forum and the many friends I've made here have kept me sane over these past 12 months. Out of 14 months trying to stay sober I've had at least 12 of those totally sober. Maybe not consecutively but that matters not to me. From where I was that is an amazing fete for me.

Welcome to the forum and pm me anytime.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[Heavenly]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I think you have answered your own questions with your own statements :

Your boyfriend wants you to stop ...totally - well you should answer that for yourself you havent told us here why he is so insistent, is it becuase when you drink you are a total nightmare, blackouts, violent, aggressive, bad hangovers the next day ... ?

You can't imagine never drinking again - what does this tell you, that you are totally dependent on alcohol, addicted ... ?

You havent told us all your history and it is difficult to advise you, but we are here to listen and give you first hand advice, as most of us have gone through all these thoughts, feelings and experiences ...

Let us know how we can help....

Regards

Heavenly

[chiizus]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I believe I am somewhere between what the book classifies as "early stage" and "middle stage" problem drinking. I hold down a job and often am able to drink moderately. However, when I become upset or stressed, I tend to binge.

I plan to show my bf the book, however I'm not sure he'll read it. I'm hesitant to show him the forums here as I would like to keep this as a private outlet.

Edit: In response to the most recent question: Sometimes I can be agitated when I drink, but am not aggressive or violent. I only rarely have hangovers. It just seems like if he comes home and I have been drinking, he just spits it out like it's the nastiest thing in the world "YOU'VE been DRINKING." And then he either yells at me about it, ignores me, or does things like find an empty bottle and go break it. (He is not a violent person and has never tried to physically harm me.)

[Boss.man]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

Many people find being AF much easier than Mod. There's biological reasons why this is so, and I'll come back and write more later.

The easy way to deal with peer pressure is just to stare them in the face and smile and say, "no, I just decided not to drink tonight". Having a near-beer, or fizzy water in a bar is no crime. OTOH some of your friends may end up being much less interesting to you when you are sober.

The real issue here is that you are feeling down and depressed because you've lost the chemicals of AL. As anyone who got AL dependent can say, you cannot be happy without your drink. This syndrome will pass in about 4 more days as your body re-learns how to make happiness chemicals. You'll find you can indeed be happy when sober, and that you're days will be 3-5 hours longer to enjoy this happiness since you aren't stuck in dank bars or moaning in bed in the morning.

Breaking the dependence is a cycle. Read more here, and please be assured your mood will lift as you finish breaking the cycle. At that point, you can think about whether you can successfully Mod. As I mentioned at the start, a lot of people feel good enough, they choose not to risk it again, and that is the easier choice for them.

[chiizus]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I truly hope you all are right and it becomes easier to consider living with not AL at all. I ordered the supplement extreme starter kit but actually went to a supplement store and picked up some Kudzu and L-Glutamine to use in the meantime until the kit gets here. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I also just ordered Topamax online. I was debating which drug to use, but after doing some more reading, I thought it best to try to Topamax as suggested in the book.

[nancy]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

Welcome to MWO!

So you don't have horrible blackouts/hangovers and consider yourself as having a mild to moderate problem, yet your bf is freaking out? Something doesn't seem right about that. Is it possible you are minimizing the problem so you can continue drinking? Or is bf exaggerating it because he has had experiences with drinking problems in the past, in family or with other gfs? Or is he a very controlling person generally? What is he like in other areas of your relationship?

Society views AA/abstinence as the only option for alcoholics. Learning how to moderate is not easy but it can be done and is done by some people. You need to learn the things that those going abstinent need to learn, how to deal with stress in other healthier ways for starters. You can also learn to avoid situations that trigger alcohol overuse.

It's good that you tackle this now before it becomes a more serious or chronic problem. And it is up to you, it's your choice. I think the medication topamax does help allow people to moderate but it has some side effects that you should read up on. Try a low dose initially.

This isn't a mainstream solution to alcoholism but it does seem to work well for some people. Also, a lot of people who try moderating wind up giving up alcohol altogether and feel better for it. In terms of how your friends will react, sometimes we magnify this in our heads. Do you get drunk in front of them and are they accepting of this? Usualyl for friends it's a worry and pain in the a** to have to care for a friend who is wasted. It's actually not social at all to drink to the point of drunkenness, unless you are in a culture where that is a way of life.

Good luck

Nancy

PS how old are you? why does your bf have to let you do anythiing?

[periwinkle]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

chiizus,

Welcome!!! You have gotten some great advice here already. You sound just like all of us (me included) when we first got to this program and forum.

You asked how to get your BF to believe in you and support you? The bitter pill to swallow here is that you cannot get anyone else to do anything. You can only change you. Perhaps when he "sees" how serious you are about the program and your desire to get control over your problem, he will be more supportive. And perhaps not.

I am really new here too. Like you I have been taking the kudzu and L-glut while waiting for the other items to arrive. I am glad to hear that you are ordering all the products because the program was designed to incorporate a multi-faceted approach. Now that my cds arrived yesterday, I have just started the full program today.

I think my husband is skeptical but supportive. He has heard me say in the past that I would cut back on my drinking but has not "seen" it work. He is now "seeing" all the effort, time, and money (yes this stuff is a bit expensive) that I am putting into this that he is now beliving that it might work for me.

I found this site and decided to make moderation work for me. I feel it's really important to have that positive attitude going into my program. I also know that if I am unable to successfully moderate I will need to totally quit. I don't know how my friends and family will react to that, I haven't asked them. This is something I am choosing to do for myself, the rest will work itself out.

If you are being honest with yourself in the stage of alcoholism you said you find yourself in, RJ indicates in the book that you have a good chance of moderating in the future. She also does recommend a period of 30 days AF for best results.

Good luck to you. You can PM or e-mail any of us any time too.

periwinkle :l

nancy, our post's crossed. You always have such good and thoughtful posts!

[chiizus]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I've experienced some sort-of blackouts on occasions when I really drank too much. It's like I remember some things, but not others. Does that count?

I think he gets angry 1) that I lacked self-control, 2) I can sometimes be annoying and stupid when I'm drunk, 3) I'm worthless when I drink-- don't do anything productive, and 4) I'm overweight. I really started drinking an unhealthy amount in the last year (not sure the root of the problem...) and put on a lot of weight. He's criticized me a lot about my weight. Even been downright mean about it before. I'm sure there are other reasons he gets mad, but I don't know.

As for my friends, they're not the type that drink to get drunk and I don't get drunk when I'm with them. I generally handle those situations fine. I do not handle drinking well when I'm at a bar. Being around a lot of drunks and drinking sweetie fruity drinks is not a good combination. I've been avoiding bars for several months now because I know I can rarely go to one and not get drunk. The other times I drink too much tend to be, as I mentioned before, emotionally related. That's another thing that *really* bothers bf. He acts like I don't realize it's not healthy. I'm not stupid, I just need help...

[hippie37]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

Hey Chi I don't think anyone mentioned you were stupid about this and you seem to have a grasp on what you want to achieve. But being made to feel low about oneself through others' is not going to help you one bit. My ex put on a lot of weight on after the pregnancy as she had a C-section and she found it hard to loose the weight afterwords due to Post Natal Depression. It's a shallow man that thinks how his girlfriend looks denotes how her personality is too. You should never me made to feel bad about your problems by those who are supposed to love you and support you the most. Sorry but after reading your last post there I now feel your b/f is being totally unreasonable.

Best of luck to you Chi

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[chiizus]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I didn't mean that anyone here made me feel stupid... I meant bf.

I don't know what to think. Sometimes he's great, at others, I feel like he's terribly unreasonable. And sometimes I wonder if I'm just blowing things out of proportion. But I know this- I don't want to lose him.

[Sunbeam]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

I think it is way too early for you to decide this question. You definitely should go at least 30 days AF to start, 60 or 90 days are better. You need this time to learn new habits. Moderating is a learned skill, much more difficult than quitting. I went 2.5 months AF, then started learning how to moderate. I'm still here, still learning.

[nancy]

AF vs. Mod. (kinda long)

It sounds to me like he is one of those controlling kinds of men and that he is trying to motivate you by insulting you and is irritated that he can't control you. On the other hand, I guess ideally, men should be able to appreciate women for who they are not what they look like but i don't know how this works in reality. Probably most men their significant others to be fit if possible. Having trouble after childbirth is a bit of a different situation than boozing it up and getting all out of shape as a result. I wonder how much his real problem has to do with the way you look...

Don't allow him to control you on this unless you want the whole relationship to be that way.

But how do you feel yourself? Being overweight feels bad, damages your self-esteem and to think a lot of it is just due to empty alcohol calories. And yes, the partial blackouts do count! I am sure you want to look and feel your best though you might decide to get rid of the guy later if his style of getting you to change for the better is demeaning you. Horrible! I would call his bluff and tell him that he is free to leave at any time but you have to do what you think is best for yourself.

Personally, i think you have a shot at moderation. You are already doing the right thing by avoiding bars where you are in situations that cause you to lose control. This needs to become permanent. Next step is to deal with these emotional issues. One of our members named Work In Progress is a psych and she has posted so many GREAT useful threads about tools for dealing with stress/emotional issues without alcohol. So look out for things she has written about.

I can speak from personal experience in saying that once I stopped using alcohol during times of upset, my life improved 100% as did my feelings of control. Mindfulness philosophy played a big role in this for me as did therapy. You can learn to tolerate how you feel.

Good luck as it seems you are in a tough relationship situation.


Nancy

PS I agree with sunbeam that a 30 day abstinence period might be good for you, to get it out of your system and see if your mood improves.