Hi Ya'll

[Panacea]

Don't know if anyone remembers me, but I was here in July, and made almost 2 weeks AF. Well, I'm back. I tried to drink moderately, which led to quite a few nights wasted. Now I'm maintaining 4-5 glasses of wine a night. Most outsiders wouldn't consider me wasted, I handle it well, but I know it's too much. I'm pretty much living my life in a fog and ignoring it. I work, drink wine and go to bed. Only do what I have to to pretend I have a somewhat normal life. Everything that life requires of me feels like such a chore.

I'm just feel so damn guilty and worthless all the time. I make promises to myself. I won't drink any wine. I won't snap at my daughter and be more patient. I'll be a better mom, better employee......................and I follow nothing through.

I'm just so sick of me.

[akgirl]

Hi Ya'll

Hi Panacea,

I don't remember you as I only got here in September but hello. Wow, what you said.......was me, really. I was the very same way and I am still struggling to get this right. I never way over did it, 4-5 glasses of wine a night, did what I had to to get by, made a ton of promises to myself that I never kept.
But now with the help of the supps, CDs and this place I have hope. I actually had nine days AF for the first time in years...a lot of years.

2 weeks is great! Are you gonna stick around and give it another try? Do you have the supps? Don't be too down on yourself, look around, this is a rough battle...a lot of us a having a hard time. Just don't give up. :l
AK

[A Work in Progress]

Hi Ya'll

It's good that you came back, Pan! So... what are your plans for making some changes? Sounds as if you are feeling ready, now!

wip

[Peanut]

Hi Ya'll

Hi Panacea - I remember you! Welcome back!

Struggling, eh? I'd say 4-5 glasses is a bottle? I know the habit! I still do it a couple nights a week and kick myself for it, but still keep trying. Have managed no wine since sunday!! Now it's the weekend, company, etc - not so easy.

You probably snap at your daughter and feel "worthless" is in part because you are tired as well, can't do the things that you think you should be doing and feel badly about it, thus the snappy thing. You did 2 weeks - I remember. Can you remember how or what your did or said to yourself to make you do it in July?? And don't feel guilty - a worthless emotion me thinks.(I was brought up Catholic and was inundated with it!! - sorry, don't mean to criticise (sp?) Catholisism!).

You've come back and that's what counts. we all do it - get up in the morning, strong - I will not drink today - and by the end of the day, the old habit kicks in, the committee takes up position, and wham-o - there you go again. I've been trying to step back and listen to the argument in my head, the angel and devil on my shoulder. Why not set a short goal. When you start to weaken, come back hear and read and post and eat!! - it has helped me immensely - sort of making me accountable, when you get such support, and you don't want to let anybody down. If I don't come back, then "nobody" knows - at least these good people here. And remember - we all love praise, and doing well brings nothing but cheers and praise from the MWOers!

Want to try doing, like, 3 days, or something like that - something somewhat attainable?? I'll do it with you!!
xoxo peanut

[Panacea]

Hi Ya'll

No supps or cd's. I will order them. It was so helpful here before, and I just turned away from it. I'm a single mom, and just feel so alone. I feel like I'm living this lie, with everyone believing that all was good, but no I'm coming apart at the seams and people are noticing. Not so much the drinking, just the instability. I fly off the handle at the smallest things. Nothing is in control. The other night, I ran into a girl from high school, (I wasn't drinking) and she said how great I looked and couldn't believe that I wasn't dating or married. I knew why right then. I could never let anyone get close to me, for fear that they'd see the real me...the guilty, lazy, wine drinking, emotionally absent, half-assed mother I am. My daughter says I'm never in a good mood anymore. She's right. It's rare. I'm a huge ball of stress and the promises I make to myself to become a better person just make it worse, so why bother with that anymore. It just brings on more guilt and shame.

My plans for making changes? I'm scared to even make that plan right now.

[akgirl]

Hi Ya'll

I am a single Mom too, I can sooo relate! PM me anytime :l

[A Work in Progress]

Hi Ya'll

Pan.... making a "plan" doesn't have to be a big huge thing. How about taking it slow? Today you came back online to MWO and talked to some people. That's great! Now how about deciding what you will do tomorrow... such as, ordering the CD's and some supplements? How about reading or re-reading the MWO book? Maybe some exercise? Start making some changes, or I should say continue making some changes, and one of them will be a long-term plan that you can start mapping out in the next few days...

Just doing a few things in the right direction will help you to begin modifying some of the distortions in your thinking (by that I mean the extremely harsh judgments you are making about yourself). That, in turn, will help you to continue making positive changes.

wip

[Boss.man]

Hi Ya'll

Pan, you know the solution. Nearly everything you talk about is simply symptoms of dependence on alcohol. For me, it was alternating between getting my next drink, and going through the motions at work and hoping no one noticed. I even had a regular schedule for "anger days", I'm not sure why, but Mondays and Wednesday I would lash out at employees and customers both, and then feel guilty because I knew it was just me. I was emotionally fragile, depressed, moody and avoided all unnecessary contact with friends or family. At least until I had a couple drinks under the belt, and then I felt fine.

That's what Alcohol Dependence means. It means you need a couple drinks to be "normal".

It's a great feeling. The problem is, you can't keep it up. I tried. I spaced my drinks out, and cut the quantity down, to keep it all steady in my system. After about 4 days I was a hopeless wreck with constant headaches and queasy stomach. I've had flu that was easier than trying to stay "slightly drunk" for 4 days.

So the real solution is to become post-dependent on alcohol. You need to detox enough so your body is free. For me, my normal attitude to work challenges has returned, so I'm engaged and not bored. I love chatting with employees and with neighbors. I'm working on coping with external "knocks" without running to my old liquid friend, but so far I'm winning. I started August 2nd, with the idea of mod or going briefly AF. I'm now trying for AF and am just on Day 7 today for the 4th time. Day 8 tomorrow will be a milestone, the longest I've ever done. And I really owe it to all the heroes of MYO forums that help inspire me to keep getting up and keep trying.

Just trying will help your life a lot. Stay here and let's work together on it.

[Panacea]

Hi Ya'll

I'm here now, and there's a reason for it, not just because of the drinking. You're right Peanut, a short goal is a start. As strange as this sounds, I felt a little burst of optimism just from the few of you in your replies. Thanks for that.

I think what scared me the most tonight, (I had only one glass of wine), was a thought I had while driving home. "There has to be something better then death". I'm not suicidal, just was thinking about how I was living my life, and how it would continue until the end. Its like being dead in a sense. A constant state of nothingness and the days just go by. It's like I'm not looking forward to anything. Not excpecting anything. Don't deserve anything. I'm just wasting time.

I don't want to live like this for 40-50 more years and it then be over.

[Panacea]

Hi Ya'll

Yes wip, I'm thinking I do need some kind of plan now. I work well with plans, but haven't been able to make one for the life of me lately. I will order the supps tomorrow and go running with my daughter. She's asked me already, which I said yes to, but I always seem to have a "reason" not to. I KNOW it makes me feel better, but haven't seem to see the point in it for awhile....(goes back to the "I don't deserve anything" thinking).

AK - I'll will take you up on that PM thing....thanks for offering.

And Boss - I know you're right. It's the alcohol dependence. Its become quite hard work to plan around my wine. Emotionally fragile is a perfect way to explain me lately. I don't handle the slightest snag in any plan well right now.

Thanks again to ALL of you. I will be here tomorrow. I will read ALOT more posts tonight. It makes me feel better to know ya'll are out ther.

[Peanut]

Hi Ya'll

oh Pan! I feel for you! Think on the positive side. A small burst of optimism is worth its wieght in gold against how negatively your have been feeling. Keep that in your head!

[Peanut]

Hi Ya'll

Sorry - a little slow on the response side - teenage boys back - skipping classes - missing work! Aiy - they can drive you insane!

[CS04]

Hi Ya'll

Panacea, I remember you. Seemed like you had a good run for a while in July. I did too, in June, then the last few months have not been good. I can sympathize with everything you are saying. But making THE BIG PLAN is too scary, so we will need to come up with smaller plans. Stay in touch and we will make steps.

[Miss Behaving]

Hi Ya'll

Hi Panacea,

It was nice to see your post and not only do I remember you but I enjoyed looking out for your posts! You were one, and there were others too - some remain and other have moved on!

I'm just thinking about coming back too! Started in June, had too many things to deal with over July - August but kept posting (and got fabulous support from people here while I was super-stressed) ........ September took some serious time out from everything except work and family. Been lurking for the last 2 weeks .... !

I know the feeling of struggle and how it sits on your shoulder day after day. But remember the successes and that 2 weeks in July!! And having had sole responsibility for children in the past (not my own - foster kids!) I know how completely overwhelming it can be to be a sole parent without anyone else to back you up. You sort of lose yourself in all the activity and the stuff that needs to be done just to get them fed and off to school with all that they need for the day without forgetting about the bigger picture like how to turn them into a good person that will be kind and courteous and a good citizen!!! And if you cant go running with your daughter, go for a long walk instead (or a walk-run!) .... she WILL appreciate it!

As for me, once life got back to something near normal (mid September), every week I have managed 6 days AF (Sat - Thurs), then have a whole bottle of wine on Friday nights. This has happened every week for the last six weeks (apart from 2 weeks ago, when I was at a friends birthday and had another 2 glasses on Sat night). I really want to be totally abstinent and have all sorts of funny/odd scripts/thoughts going through my head about why this pattern has emerged and what it is all about.

I remember a lot of your posts as being very thoughtful ...... and I'm quite interested in some slightly more in-depth discussion about why we keep doing what we are doing when any rational person would question our sanity!! And more to the point, when it stops us being the people that we want to be (and are capable of becoming!) and when it hurts our nearest and dearest.

looking forward to hearing from you - or anyone else!!

mame

[A Work in Progress]

Hi Ya'll

Panacea;451812 wrote: ... I will order the supps tomorrow and go running with my daughter. She's asked me already, which I said yes to, but I always seem to have a "reason" not to. I KNOW it makes me feel better, but haven't seem to see the point in it for awhile....(goes back to the "I don't deserve anything" thinking). ...

Thanks again to ALL of you. I will be here tomorrow. I will read ALOT more posts tonight. It makes me feel better to know ya'll are out ther.

That's a GREAT new start! We'll be here tomorrow, too.

wip