i feel so lost

[formenow]

I have been here before but have never succeeded in quiting this awful habit. I just can't believe I am in this position. How could i have let this happen. I am a wife, a mother of three great kids and a nurse. I am living such a lie. i know I am kidding myself to think people haven't noticed. I did call a counselor who focuses on addiction problems and am waiting for her to call back. I hope this helps. In the past I haven't even told my counselors about my "problem" I am so shamed. I do have the book and have gotten the supplements but don't stick to it. I did orderTopomax on line but I am afraid to take it wondering if it is the real stuff. its just so nice to have a place to share with others who understand

[periwinkle]

i feel so lost

Welcome formenow,

I'm so glad to meet you.

I understand about the shame. You will find much love and support here. I'm glad you have a counselor. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things right.

periwinkle

[formenow]

i feel so lost

it is such a vicious cycle isn't it. the more you drink, the more shame you have which makes you want to drink more. How do we get by the shame?? Thank you periwinkle for responding to me.

[startingover]

i feel so lost

Welcome formenow. Can relate to the "living a lie" part of your post. I did too. The counsellor is an excellent idea , providing you like them. Mine really helped me to start some much needed work on myself.
It sounds like you are beginning to make progress. It is progress just to admit and start to think of ways of dealing with your problem.
So stick with us, we have been where you are and would like to support you on your journey

[startingover]

i feel so lost

formenow;452291 wrote: it is such a vicious cycle isn't it. the more you drink, the more shame you have which makes you want to drink more. How do we get by the shame?? Thank you periwinkle for responding to me.

the shame tends to recede when you stop trying to block it out with booze. Just give yourself some alcohol free time. I know once I started dealing with my problem it helped me to accept myself more. You cant change the past but you can make sure your future is better

[j-vo]

i feel so lost

formenow,
Hi there. I know your pain as everyone here does. Don't give up on yourself. You've identified that there is a problem. Some of us need to take baby steps towards our goals, and some of us wake up one day and say, That's it, no more!" Whatever works for you, and it sounds as though you've already began your path towards wellness. I started to see a counselor a few months ago and am so glad I did. I think we need to be able to feel that trust and security with someone and not be judged. That's a great step. I just got back from my session, and it's always a refreshing feeling. Keep reading and posting. That's a great tool in our theapy basket!

[lil.michelle]

i feel so lost

Hey hun!
Welcome!
I am sooo sorry you're feeling like this. Most of us on this site have felt or feel the same way.
I nver took topa BUT i have and still am taking all the supplements. They really have helped me. I think the main thing to do, is to get rid of all the drink in the house, stay away from shops that sell them, shop online if you need too.
You're going to have to grit your teeth and let the craving pass. I know that sounds like an easy thing to do but it's sooo hard. Just do it day to day. So make a goal like, i'm going to stay AF tomorrow then the next day say right i'm going to do 2/3 days, then a week ect ect.

We're all here for you. We're ALL struggling and we are all at different stages. A lot of us have done things so bad when we've been drunk we've been sooo ashamed but we'r all here trying. The fact that you have found us is a GREAT start! You're really strong to admit you have a problem, now lets work together on it.
KEEP POSTING, STAY WITH US. We're ALL here for you anytime, any situation!

[Seacailin]

i feel so lost

Hi Formenow
I am glad that you are here. I am also a mother of three and a Nurse. We come from all walks of life. AL does not care where u come from. I am also connecting with an addictions specialist very soon. I take most of the supps and am getting the CD's. It sounds like you are forming a good plan for yourself. The shame does pass with time.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

i feel so lost

Hi Formenow,

I like the name you chose for yourself, it shows you're on the right track! You'll be doing this for you. Everyone here is right, there's no judging here and shame will pass once you have more sober time under your belt. Stick with it, stick with the program and one2many is always right in reminding us to have a plan. Even for a day. :l

I have kids, too. They'll love us no matter what. Be proud you're here and doing something for yourself and your family.

Take care,
Be

[periwinkle]

i feel so lost

formenow,

Sorry, I meant to post more but mom showed up before I could get another message up.

I am still somewhat new at this too. I've come a long way in the past 3 weeks. It helps to read the book. If you've already read it, read it again. I started with the kudzu and l-glut and my AL cravings went away immediately. I cut way back for a couple weeks until I was able to gather all my other stuff (topamax, hypnotherapy cds, other supplements). That was a week ago and today is day 7 AF for me.

Like you, I was sure that I was hiding how much I drank pretty well from others (especially my husband). Turns out not-so-much! My hardest thing to do in the beginning was to have the "talk" with hubby. I knew he would be loving and supportive but it was that shame and embarrassment. I just regretted going there with him. It turns out he is my biggest fan and supporter these past weeks. I hope you have someone close to you that you can lean on. A counselor is awesome! But I think a friend or family member can be so helpful too. And my friends on this forum have also been God sent.

My kids are grown so they're not as much an issue at this point. But my DIL (daughter-in-law) asked me one day if I had to be wasted in order to be able to stand to be around her. OUCH!! I thought to myself, no I need to be wasted in order to be able to be around myself. This morning I looked at myself in the mirror and liked who I am becoming. You can get there too.

I'm so glad you're here.

periwinkle

[formenow]

i feel so lost

its amazing the support around here. When i quit smoking I got myself help and could speak about it. With drinking its such shame that keeps many of us from seeking help. I have not gotten an return phone call from the counselor but hope to. If not I will try her again. Thank you everyone who has responded to me. I will stay in touch and take your advice.

[Reenie]

i feel so lost

Formenow: As you can see, you are not alone. Many of us are living lies. I have struggled with astaining from alcohol for over 3 years now. I have had many relapses. It seems lately I have been having more and more. I keep lying to myself, family and sponsor telling them I'm okay and that I've been sober for 3 months. My new sobriety date was August 30th... However, it really has changed 5 times since then. I feel very guilty and am very ashamed. My secret life is these lies that keep piling up. My other secret life is that I go to AA and many of my family members and friends arent aware of it. I feel very alond.