Tool box
Hey there friends...one of our flock leaders in the nest asked if I would re-post something here that I wrote this last week, so here it is.
--------------------------------------------------------
It's been incredibly, terribly lonely, and the shame and guilt has me filled with self-loathing... I've been operating on this assumption that I probably will die soon, and I'm only in my mid 40's. I had pretty much given up... as long as death is probably around the corner anyway.. I imagined myself in that casket and my 15 and 17 year old daughters the ones consumed with grief. But without a mom to console them...So I woke up yesterday and decided I owed it to my children to try one more time. So here I am.
Good Monday, All -- that paragraph above was my first post to this site, 30 days ago. There have been many times when I wanted to go back and recall what I had written, because all I remembered was that I cried a lot while I was typing. But I knew it would be painful, so I've been waiting for this day to go back and compare my life a month ago to my life this morning. And it's WONDERFUL, and new, and filled with tons of HOPE, which I thought was gone forever.
I'm not the best cheerleader here by a long-shot, but I just wanted to share that to encourage any new folks...and maybe others who've been around and slipped...that it IS totally possible to quit. It's harder than hell but you can do it.
Whenever I think about AL, I remind myself that while the cravings still pop up, the physical need is GONE. The craving is real, but it's coming from some part of our primitive brains and will shut up once we remind it who's in charge (and eat!). After 7 days your body doesn't need it anymore. So what would I get if I allowed myself "just 1 drink?"
A pleasant, light buzz? No. There's been a lot posted here about how our tolerance will remain high for years, even, so "just 1" won't make me feel any pleasant physical sensations other than suddenly craving a lot more. My tolerance is the same as the day I quit.
A treat to reward myself? There's no such think as an AL "treat" for me. I can't have "just 1", ever. For me, it will always be an all-you-can-eat AL buffet versus a treat.
Relaxation and good sleep? I sweat all night, woke up multiple times because my heart was pounding/racing, and was tired all the time.
How about a fine wine for that amazing sensory experience? NO. That's what I used to tell myself, but it's a fat lie. No alcoholic drink can beat a bowl of ice cream, ever.
What I WOULD get is an addiction back. I'd be up to a big liter of gin every day within 5 days, I'm sure of it. It nearly destroyed my life and if I hadn't stopped, I'm sure I would be dead within a year or two, and I know it's the same for lots of you in the nest.
Other things I'd get are guilt, shame and self-loathing every morning. Lying to everyone around me. Worried at work that it's still on my breath. Going home at noon for a lunch made of cocktails to stop the shakes, then going back to work with it ACTUALLY on my breath (I know some of my colleagues had to have smelled it...I can't believe I was never busted). Oh yeah, worrying about being busted. Panicking every time I saw a police officer. Not remembering what I said to my daughters the night before. Not remembering promises I made and breaking them. Not remembering kissing my kids goodnight and telling them I love them. My youngest telling me my breath stinks. Missing my kids' events because I shouldn't drive. Missing parent-teacher conferences because I was too drunk to drive. Getting into fights with my husband and not remembering them. Spending at least $80 a week on gin. Spending $40 a week on nice wine to drink so my husband wouldn't suspect I was actually chugging the hard liqour. Pretending to have the stomach flue when I was incredibly hung over. Remembering its recycling day and racing home to take it outside before my husband saw what was in there. And the big one...hating myself and wishing for death, because I had accepted it was coming soon and just wanted to get it over with. That was just 30 days ago.
Whew. There's a lot more, but those were the biggies. I wanted to share that, because I know most of you could have written that same paragraph. During the times I was tempted this past month, I would read lists like that from other Nesters and be reminded about the place I came from versus the place I'm at today, and the place I am guaranteed to go back to with "just 1". For the rest of my life, the ONLY thing I will EVER get from "just 1" is being ripped back into a life of a living hell.
That is my truth, but it's not the end of my story. Now I have hope, contentment, and while I'm still working on the whole inner peace thing and forgiving myself, I'm a work in progress versus a lost cause. I plan to be around, now, for my children's college graduations, weddings, and maybe even live to meet some grandchildren.
All of that is what I want and need, and I don't ever want to lose again the hope that I'll someday have that. This place has been a blessing for me in huge ways !
Elliesmom
Hey there friends...one of our flock leaders in the nest asked if I would re-post something here that I wrote this last week, so here it is.
--------------------------------------------------------
It's been incredibly, terribly lonely, and the shame and guilt has me filled with self-loathing... I've been operating on this assumption that I probably will die soon, and I'm only in my mid 40's. I had pretty much given up... as long as death is probably around the corner anyway.. I imagined myself in that casket and my 15 and 17 year old daughters the ones consumed with grief. But without a mom to console them...So I woke up yesterday and decided I owed it to my children to try one more time. So here I am.
Good Monday, All -- that paragraph above was my first post to this site, 30 days ago. There have been many times when I wanted to go back and recall what I had written, because all I remembered was that I cried a lot while I was typing. But I knew it would be painful, so I've been waiting for this day to go back and compare my life a month ago to my life this morning. And it's WONDERFUL, and new, and filled with tons of HOPE, which I thought was gone forever.
I'm not the best cheerleader here by a long-shot, but I just wanted to share that to encourage any new folks...and maybe others who've been around and slipped...that it IS totally possible to quit. It's harder than hell but you can do it.
Whenever I think about AL, I remind myself that while the cravings still pop up, the physical need is GONE. The craving is real, but it's coming from some part of our primitive brains and will shut up once we remind it who's in charge (and eat!). After 7 days your body doesn't need it anymore. So what would I get if I allowed myself "just 1 drink?"
A pleasant, light buzz? No. There's been a lot posted here about how our tolerance will remain high for years, even, so "just 1" won't make me feel any pleasant physical sensations other than suddenly craving a lot more. My tolerance is the same as the day I quit.
A treat to reward myself? There's no such think as an AL "treat" for me. I can't have "just 1", ever. For me, it will always be an all-you-can-eat AL buffet versus a treat.
Relaxation and good sleep? I sweat all night, woke up multiple times because my heart was pounding/racing, and was tired all the time.
How about a fine wine for that amazing sensory experience? NO. That's what I used to tell myself, but it's a fat lie. No alcoholic drink can beat a bowl of ice cream, ever.
What I WOULD get is an addiction back. I'd be up to a big liter of gin every day within 5 days, I'm sure of it. It nearly destroyed my life and if I hadn't stopped, I'm sure I would be dead within a year or two, and I know it's the same for lots of you in the nest.
Other things I'd get are guilt, shame and self-loathing every morning. Lying to everyone around me. Worried at work that it's still on my breath. Going home at noon for a lunch made of cocktails to stop the shakes, then going back to work with it ACTUALLY on my breath (I know some of my colleagues had to have smelled it...I can't believe I was never busted). Oh yeah, worrying about being busted. Panicking every time I saw a police officer. Not remembering what I said to my daughters the night before. Not remembering promises I made and breaking them. Not remembering kissing my kids goodnight and telling them I love them. My youngest telling me my breath stinks. Missing my kids' events because I shouldn't drive. Missing parent-teacher conferences because I was too drunk to drive. Getting into fights with my husband and not remembering them. Spending at least $80 a week on gin. Spending $40 a week on nice wine to drink so my husband wouldn't suspect I was actually chugging the hard liqour. Pretending to have the stomach flue when I was incredibly hung over. Remembering its recycling day and racing home to take it outside before my husband saw what was in there. And the big one...hating myself and wishing for death, because I had accepted it was coming soon and just wanted to get it over with. That was just 30 days ago.
Whew. There's a lot more, but those were the biggies. I wanted to share that, because I know most of you could have written that same paragraph. During the times I was tempted this past month, I would read lists like that from other Nesters and be reminded about the place I came from versus the place I'm at today, and the place I am guaranteed to go back to with "just 1". For the rest of my life, the ONLY thing I will EVER get from "just 1" is being ripped back into a life of a living hell.
That is my truth, but it's not the end of my story. Now I have hope, contentment, and while I'm still working on the whole inner peace thing and forgiving myself, I'm a work in progress versus a lost cause. I plan to be around, now, for my children's college graduations, weddings, and maybe even live to meet some grandchildren.
All of that is what I want and need, and I don't ever want to lose again the hope that I'll someday have that. This place has been a blessing for me in huge ways !
Elliesmom
Comment