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    Recovery is contagious


    William White
    Recovery is Contagious

    Many of us in this room know that addiction is contagious. Addiction was not a purpose we set out to achieve. We grew up in a world that castigated people with drug problems as dope fiends, crack heads, drunks, winos, and worse. None of us wrote an essay in 5th grade saying we wanted to be an addict when we grew up. One day in our lives, we chose to pick up, but we didn?t choose what followed. None of us wanted to so wound ourselves and those we love. We tried but could not prevent that harm from happening. Our addiction was not a choice; it was something we got caught up in and lost control over. Addiction is a disease of exposure?a collision between personal vulnerability and social opportunity. And that opportunity is often bred within psychological and social circumstances that made picking up again and again an attractive choice.

    As a culture, we have recognized this process of social contagion. We have long referred to surges in alcohol and other drug problems as epidemics?a term most often applied to communicable diseases. But I am not here tonight to talk about disease. I am here to talk about recovery?something we rarely think of in terms of contagion. We usually think of recovery as something that arises from deep inside someone. We think of it as those rare transformative experiences like Bill Wilson experienced in a hospital room and Malcolm X experienced in a jail cell, or we think of it as a slow process of internal change?a process of spiritual awakening.

    Folk wisdom says recovery comes only when we hit our own personal bottom. But recovery did not come to some of you in this room by hitting bottom. Some of you lived on the bottom, and recovery remained a stranger. Some of you were drowning in pain, had lost everything but your life to addiction?and recovery still did not come. When it finally arrived, it wasn?t forced on you and you didn't initially choose it. You caught recovery in spite of yourself. And you caught it from other people in recovery?from people here at NET and from people in the recovery fellowships meeting every day throughout this city.

    Let me be clear and brutally honest. Some of you did not come to NET seeking recovery. Many of you had never even seen long-term recovery in the flesh?had no idea what it even looked like. Many of you came to treatment not because of the monkey on your back, but the people on your butt. Some of you came looking not for recovery but respite?a break from the life, not an end to it. Some of you came to escape the threat of jail. Some of you came to keep or get back important people in your life. The reasons were many and may have changed every day, but recovery was not at the top of that list. And yet many of you have started what will be a lifelong recovery journey. So how did this miracle happen?

    My message tonight is a simple one: Recovery is contagious. That message is the centerpiece of the recovery revolution sparked by the leadership Dr. Arthur Evans, Jr. brought to the City of Philadelphia more than five years ago. That message is what has made NET one of the leading treatment centers in the country. And there is no better example of this process than what is happening right here, right now. This night is a celebration of the contagiousness of recovery and the fulfilled promises recovery has brought into our lives. Some of you did not leave the streets to find recovery; recovery came to the streets and found you. And it did so through volunteers of the NET Consumer Council walking those streets. They put a face and voice on recovery. They told you that recovery was possible, and they offered their stories as living proof of that proposition. They told you they would walk the road to recovery with you. Some of you hit low points in the early days of that journey, and it was your brothers and sisters in this room that lifted you back up?who called when you missed group, who, in some cases, went and got you. Many of you were buried deep within a culture of addiction?a way of thinking, feeling, acting, and relating as powerful as the drugs you were taking. The NET community and the larger recovery community of Philadelphia helped you escape and welcomed you into membership in another world?a culture of recovery. And this moment we are sharing together tonight stands as witness to the vitality of that recovery culture.

    Recovery is contagious only through interpersonal connection?only in the context of community. For those still in the life to find hope and recovery, they must take the unlikely risk of leaving their cocooned world or we must risk going to get them. The outreach work of the NET Consumer Council has a poignant message for this country?s efforts to prevent and treat addiction. If we are really serious about addiction, then we should reach those who are at early stages of their addiction careers and not wait until decades of devastation finally bring them to the doors of a treatment center. We need to correct the community conditions in which addiction flourishes. We need to protect those most vulnerable to addiction. We need assertive intervention programs that shorten addiction careers and extend recovery careers. To achieve those goals, we must carry resilience and recovery into the very heart of local drug cultures. We must make the transformative potential of recovery visible to those who need it the most.

    The contagion of addiction is transmitted through a process of infection?the movement of addiction disease from one vulnerable person to another. The contagion of recovery is spread quite differently?not through infection, but affection.1 Those who spread such affection are recovery carriers. Recovery carriers?because of the nature of their character and the quality of their lives ?exert a magnetic attraction to those who are still suffering. Recovery carriers affirm that long-term recovery is possible and that the promises of recovery are far more than the removal of drugs from an otherwise unchanged life. They tell us that we have the potential to get well and to then get better than well. They challenge us to stop being everyone?s problem and to become part of the solution. They relate to us from a position of profound empathy, emotional authenticity, respect and moral equality?lacking even a whisper of contempt. Most importantly, they offer us love. Yeah, some of us got loved into recovery, and I don't mean in the way some of you with smiles on your faces may be thinking. The affection at the heart of the recovery community you have created here at NET is being extended as a force for building resistance, resilience, and recovery within the larger Philadelphia community and beyond.

    We all have the potential to be recovery carriers. Becoming a recovery carrier requires several things. It requires that we protect our recoveries at all cost?Recovery by any means necessary under any circumstances. It requires that we help our families recover. It requires the courage to reach out to those whose lives are being ravaged. It requires that we give back to NET and other organizations that helped us along the way. And it requires that in our new life, we try to heal the wounds we inflicted on our community in our past life.

    Addiction is visible everywhere in this culture, but the transformative power of recovery is hidden behind closed doors. It is time we all became recovery carriers. It is time we helped our community, our nation, and our world recover. To achieve this, we must become recovery. We must be the face and voice of recovery. We must be the living future of recovery.

    So to all who are here tonight?individuals and families in recovery and allies of recovery, I leave you with this message. Recovery is contagious. Get close to it. Stay close to it. Catch it. Keep catching it. Pass it on.

    1 I wish to acknowledge Kathy Griffin, who first brought this distinction to my attention

    Comment


      Tool box

      After suggestion of Byrdlady and Paviti. I post this on toolbox I am 92 days sober while posting this ....
      Byrdlady,

      Thanks for the compliment. I have the best guides here at MWO.

      I am not yet a changed man. I want to change more for good for becoming a better person. It is about introspecting. I think I always had that knack for introspecting and improving myself. But last 10 to 15 years of drinking that art of introspecting was totally blocked by AL. It was all about where am I drinking, what am I drinking.
      ...
      But I was talking about experiencing life from a different prospective here are few situations :

      I just returned from Srilanka from a corporate conference which was on an exotic resort. Imagine u come to a sea side resort on a hot humid evening. Next to blue beach. Surrounded with people who are dying for a drink. Sounds tempting for a Drink. No I got tempted to take a swim. I preferred that ... While everyone was getting relaxed with beers I took the swimming. By the time I came to dinner. Everyone was done drinking and tired like hell (thanks to booze). I wanted to go out I was full of energy, guess what I explored the local party scene with bunch of people who dont drink or take a glass or so. I felt like a teen aged. I myself was surprised as for me the biggest attraction was booze next to a beach bar till I would collapse on bed.

      Conference and gala dinners. Oh and booze flowing. How temping but here was I enjoying company of friends no desire to drink. It was a feeling of liberation. They were doing what ever they do so drank some didn't.

      Thing about corporate trips there is also sight scene at least for one day. So we were in bus the whole day .... By evening everyone was dead tired ... "Oh I am soooo dying for a drink !!" ... "Yeah chilled beer !"... Some remarked !! Surprise .. I was not, not even thinking about !! And I was not crushing any desire .. It was not there ... Wow felt so proud. But I know someday I will be tempted but MWO is here ...

      Yesterday night we went to chic bar on rooftop with great music.... South African band, playing rage music. Wow what weather (open bar) . the gang ordered a Bootle of premium vodka. But they know I dont drink "you dont need a drink you are already high and enjoy so much ... Anyways " the best compliment anyone can give me. 4 am booom every one slaushed ... Me loving the night driving in Colombo city admiring the beautiful colonial building. Proud and sober .... So many remarks :

      "How can u not drink !"
      "Teach me how you dance so well ... " said someone (I never used to dance ... I used to wave like a drunk)
      "We really enjoyed your company" ... Wow I thought I no one liked me and I needed booze to open me up.
      "You take so beautiful pictures ... " ( I was too busy drinking away never realizing the moment was out there )

      Now these kind of compliment surprise me .... For me I have been known as a drunk ...

      One more shock to me ... I always felt that with booze once connects so well with people. Past 3 to 4 days I have connected so much and so well people and by telling the truth (3 months back I would have been lying). People genuienly liked me ... I forged such great bonds with few business ppl that they went ahead to share personal details about their life with MEEE ????!!! Wow. All this by being honest to myself and honestly telling others ,with a HUGE sence of pride and gratitude :

      "I dont drink !"

      It's a game changer guys ... Celebrate sobriety, protect it, it's precious.
      Rahul
      --------------------------------------------
      Rewiring my brain ... done ...
      Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
      Rebooting ... done ...
      Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

      Comment


        Tool box

        After suggestion of Byrdlady and Paviti. I post this on toolbox I am 92 days sober while posting this ....
        Byrdlady,

        Thanks for the compliment. I have the best guides here at MWO.

        I am not yet a changed man. I want to change more for good for becoming a better person. It is about introspecting. I think I always had that knack for introspecting and improving myself. But last 10 to 15 years of drinking that art of introspecting was totally blocked by AL. It was all about where am I drinking, what am I drinking.
        ...
        But I was talking about experiencing life from a different prospective here are few situations :

        I just returned from Srilanka from a corporate conference which was on an exotic resort. Imagine u come to a sea side resort on a hot humid evening. Next to blue beach. Surrounded with people who are dying for a drink. Sounds tempting for a Drink. No I got tempted to take a swim. I preferred that ... While everyone was getting relaxed with beers I took the swimming. By the time I came to dinner. Everyone was done drinking and tired like hell (thanks to booze). I wanted to go out I was full of energy, guess what I explored the local party scene with bunch of people who dont drink or take a glass or so. I felt like a teen aged. I myself was surprised as for me the biggest attraction was booze next to a beach bar till I would collapse on bed.

        Conference and gala dinners. Oh and booze flowing. How temping but here was I enjoying company of friends no desire to drink. It was a feeling of liberation. They were doing what ever they do so drank some didn't.

        Thing about corporate trips there is also sight scene at least for one day. So we were in bus the whole day .... By evening everyone was dead tired ... "Oh I am soooo dying for a drink !!" ... "Yeah chilled beer !"... Some remarked !! Surprise .. I was not, not even thinking about !! And I was not crushing any desire .. It was not there ... Wow felt so proud. But I know someday I will be tempted but MWO is here ...

        Yesterday night we went to chic bar on rooftop with great music.... South African band, playing rage music. Wow what weather (open bar) . the gang ordered a Bootle of premium vodka. But they know I dont drink "you dont need a drink you are already high and enjoy so much ... Anyways " the best compliment anyone can give me. 4 am booom every one slaushed ... Me loving the night driving in Colombo city admiring the beautiful colonial building. Proud and sober .... So many remarks :

        "How can u not drink !"
        "Teach me how you dance so well ... " said someone (I never used to dance ... I used to wave like a drunk)
        "We really enjoyed your company" ... Wow I thought I no one liked me and I needed booze to open me up.
        "You take so beautiful pictures ... " ( I was too busy drinking away never realizing the moment was out there )

        Now these kind of compliment surprise me .... For me I have been known as a drunk ...

        One more shock to me ... I always felt that with booze once connects so well with people. Past 3 to 4 days I have connected so much and so well people and by telling the truth (3 months back I would have been lying). People genuienly liked me ... I forged such great bonds with few business ppl that they went ahead to share personal details about their life with MEEE ????!!! Wow. All this by being honest to myself and honestly telling others ,with a HUGE sence of pride and gratitude :

        "I dont drink !"

        It's a game changer guys ... Celebrate sobriety, protect it, it's precious.
        Rahul
        --------------------------------------------
        Rewiring my brain ... done ...
        Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
        Rebooting ... done ...
        Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

        Comment


          Tool box

          After suggestion of Byrdlady and Paviti. I post this on toolbox I am 92 days sober while posting this ....
          Byrdlady,

          Thanks for the compliment. I have the best guides here at MWO.

          I am not yet a changed man. I want to change more for good for becoming a better person. It is about introspecting. I think I always had that knack for introspecting and improving myself. But last 10 to 15 years of drinking that art of introspecting was totally blocked by AL. It was all about where am I drinking, what am I drinking.
          ...
          But I was talking about experiencing life from a different prospective here are few situations :

          I just returned from Srilanka from a corporate conference which was on an exotic resort. Imagine u come to a sea side resort on a hot humid evening. Next to blue beach. Surrounded with people who are dying for a drink. Sounds tempting for a Drink. No I got tempted to take a swim. I preferred that ... While everyone was getting relaxed with beers I took the swimming. By the time I came to dinner. Everyone was done drinking and tired like hell (thanks to booze). I wanted to go out I was full of energy, guess what I explored the local party scene with bunch of people who dont drink or take a glass or so. I felt like a teen aged. I myself was surprised as for me the biggest attraction was booze next to a beach bar till I would collapse on bed.

          Conference and gala dinners. Oh and booze flowing. How temping but here was I enjoying company of friends no desire to drink. It was a feeling of liberation. They were doing what ever they do so drank some didn't.

          Thing about corporate trips there is also sight scene at least for one day. So we were in bus the whole day .... By evening everyone was dead tired ... "Oh I am soooo dying for a drink !!" ... "Yeah chilled beer !"... Some remarked !! Surprise .. I was not, not even thinking about !! And I was not crushing any desire .. It was not there ... Wow felt so proud. But I know someday I will be tempted but MWO is here ...

          Yesterday night we went to chic bar on rooftop with great music.... South African band, playing rage music. Wow what weather (open bar) . the gang ordered a Bootle of premium vodka. But they know I dont drink "you dont need a drink you are already high and enjoy so much ... Anyways " the best compliment anyone can give me. 4 am booom every one slaushed ... Me loving the night driving in Colombo city admiring the beautiful colonial building. Proud and sober .... So many remarks :

          "How can u not drink !"
          "Teach me how you dance so well ... " said someone (I never used to dance ... I used to wave like a drunk)
          "We really enjoyed your company" ... Wow I thought I no one liked me and I needed booze to open me up.
          "You take so beautiful pictures ... " ( I was too busy drinking away never realizing the moment was out there )

          Now these kind of compliment surprise me .... For me I have been known as a drunk ...

          One more shock to me ... I always felt that with booze once connects so well with people. Past 3 to 4 days I have connected so much and so well people and by telling the truth (3 months back I would have been lying). People genuienly liked me ... I forged such great bonds with few business ppl that they went ahead to share personal details about their life with MEEE ????!!! Wow. All this by being honest to myself and honestly telling others ,with a HUGE sence of pride and gratitude :

          "I dont drink !"

          It's a game changer guys ... Celebrate sobriety, protect it, it's precious.
          Rahul
          --------------------------------------------
          Rewiring my brain ... done ...
          Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
          Rebooting ... done ...
          Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

          Comment


            Tool box

            After suggestion of Byrdlady and Paviti. I post this on toolbox I am 92 days sober while posting this ....
            Byrdlady,

            Thanks for the compliment. I have the best guides here at MWO.

            I am not yet a changed man. I want to change more for good for becoming a better person. It is about introspecting. I think I always had that knack for introspecting and improving myself. But last 10 to 15 years of drinking that art of introspecting was totally blocked by AL. It was all about where am I drinking, what am I drinking.
            ...
            But I was talking about experiencing life from a different prospective here are few situations :

            I just returned from Srilanka from a corporate conference which was on an exotic resort. Imagine u come to a sea side resort on a hot humid evening. Next to blue beach. Surrounded with people who are dying for a drink. Sounds tempting for a Drink. No I got tempted to take a swim. I preferred that ... While everyone was getting relaxed with beers I took the swimming. By the time I came to dinner. Everyone was done drinking and tired like hell (thanks to booze). I wanted to go out I was full of energy, guess what I explored the local party scene with bunch of people who dont drink or take a glass or so. I felt like a teen aged. I myself was surprised as for me the biggest attraction was booze next to a beach bar till I would collapse on bed.

            Conference and gala dinners. Oh and booze flowing. How temping but here was I enjoying company of friends no desire to drink. It was a feeling of liberation. They were doing what ever they do so drank some didn't.

            Thing about corporate trips there is also sight scene at least for one day. So we were in bus the whole day .... By evening everyone was dead tired ... "Oh I am soooo dying for a drink !!" ... "Yeah chilled beer !"... Some remarked !! Surprise .. I was not, not even thinking about !! And I was not crushing any desire .. It was not there ... Wow felt so proud. But I know someday I will be tempted but MWO is here ...

            Yesterday night we went to chic bar on rooftop with great music.... South African band, playing rage music. Wow what weather (open bar) . the gang ordered a Bootle of premium vodka. But they know I dont drink "you dont need a drink you are already high and enjoy so much ... Anyways " the best compliment anyone can give me. 4 am booom every one slaushed ... Me loving the night driving in Colombo city admiring the beautiful colonial building. Proud and sober .... So many remarks :

            "How can u not drink !"
            "Teach me how you dance so well ... " said someone (I never used to dance ... I used to wave like a drunk)
            "We really enjoyed your company" ... Wow I thought I no one liked me and I needed booze to open me up.
            "You take so beautiful pictures ... " ( I was too busy drinking away never realizing the moment was out there )

            Now these kind of compliment surprise me .... For me I have been known as a drunk ...

            One more shock to me ... I always felt that with booze once connects so well with people. Past 3 to 4 days I have connected so much and so well people and by telling the truth (3 months back I would have been lying). People genuienly liked me ... I forged such great bonds with few business ppl that they went ahead to share personal details about their life with MEEE ????!!! Wow. All this by being honest to myself and honestly telling others ,with a HUGE sence of pride and gratitude :

            "I dont drink !"

            It's a game changer guys ... Celebrate sobriety, protect it, it's precious.
            Rahul
            --------------------------------------------
            Rewiring my brain ... done ...
            Updating brain "attitude" firmware ... done ...
            Rebooting ... done ...
            Restarted program called "Life" ... started successfully ...

            Comment


              Tool box

              ((Re-Posting this from the life-giving incubator known around here as the Newbie's Nest))

              Hi all....I'm a bit of a stranger these days in this part of MWO...but as a grateful Alumnus of the amazing Newbie's Nest...I do still read here when I can and Jane…your post really touched me. I'd like to offer some factual information that I think might be of interest and comfort to your situation.

              For many years, I bought into the notion that I was just one of those unlucky and undisciplined people cursed with an "addictive-personality". At one time or another, I found myself battling with compulsive over-eating and then later, compulsive, addictive drinking and smoking... and then there was the compulsive addictive internet usage...you get the idea. I was resigned to thinking of myself as an ever-revolving mess of weak-willed, over-doing it, compulsive, out-of-control behaviors.

              Well...science says otherwise. It was a revelation to me to learn about the latest research about addiction. While the details about the mechanisms of addiction are not fully understood yet, researchers now know that all addiction stems from the same place in the brain. In simplest terms, basically our reward system – which involves our dopamine receptors – gets really messed up. Maybe our receptors were damaged by stress early in childhood or later in life. Maybe they got skewed by simply drunk-drinking as a youth…maybe we're all fighting receptor fatigue because of our typical western diet that’s high on sugar and low in real nutrients. Regardless of the cause and the individual path we've taken, we've ended up in the same hellish place that is addiction.

              Our brain strives for homeostasis and it works mightily to maintain that balance. One of the many problems with drugs – like alcohol – is that these substances overwhelm the dompaine receptors…..smacks ‘em down and even destroys them and then we need an ever increasing amount of the drug to try to get that same reward. Sugar does the same thing. And add that to another strike against the drug alcohol since it is the jet-fuel of all sugars with a toxic punch of brain-altering ethanol which IMMEDIATELY gets absorbed into our blood system and impacts us instantly on a cellular level - all 200 million trillion of them – depending on how you count them. No matter HOW you add it up…it’s safe to say ALL cells are impacted by this devastating systemic drug.

              Jane, your earlier post about substituting the word HEROIN for alcohol is brilliant and absolutely right on the spot. Alcohol really IS a drug. Even though it is legal, even though it is celebrated, even though it is widely accepted and is pervasive in our culture, IT IS STILL A DRUG. The alcohol industry has invested decades of time and billions of PR and lobbying dollars to make sure we – nor our governments – treat it like the toxic, carcinogenic, addictive substance that it is. Yup…Big Alcohol has made us believe that it’s OUR problem for taking the substance. We are the defective ones because we can’t ingest a toxic, addictive substance ‘responsibly’? How effed up and truly ABSURD is that?

              Rant over (for the moment) while I return to sharing information that will help you figure out how to deal with ALL addiction. Getting better is all about rewiring the reward system. This takes time…but it can be done. AND…you are ALREADY taking some solid actions toward this.

              There are basically

              THREE KEYS to Freeing your Brain from ADDICTION:

              FIRST
              - With alcohol – the most important thing you can do is keep it out of your system. That’s the starting point. With food…well…we DO have to eat or die. So you have to switch to the fuel that is good for your system. That means nothing processed – whole healthy foods. AND absolutely NO SUGAR. It is part of the chemical trigger that overwhelms the dopamine circuits. Withdrawal is a bitch….but we get through it. Because our bodies will feel absolutely deprived initially without the sugar, I suggest having a stock of healthy fruits around during the acute detox phase but go easy on it. Nutshell: BAD OUT – GOOD IN.

              SECOND – Aggressively work on rewiring the brain. Even during withdrawal, - make that ESPECIALLY during withdrawal - you can actively begin changing your brain. Each time you make a positive, affirmative decision to change your old ways….you are forging new neural pathways in your brain. What fires together wires together, as they say. It’s like building muscles…a little at a time adds up to make you a whole lot stronger over time. Give yourself heaps of credit for this. Even the seemingly small acts should get a big round of internal applause.

              REWARD yourself early and often. In my early AF days, I actually transferred the amount of money I would spend on booze and smokes each day into a special bank account. It really adds up. My addictions were costing about $22 a day – sometimes more. I made a point of pampering myself – I got my first ever pedicure…I bought some big-ass dahlia plants…I donated to the animal shelter….I set aside money for a huge family vacation… and these days…I’m salting that money away to help one of my kids through graduate school. To date, the amount of money that would’ve got down my throat and up in smoke rings in at $23,188 (1054 days x $22 a day) HOLY SHECKLES, Batman! That ain’t chicken feed now- even by Stella’s standards. I love seeing that number now – makes my dopamine just ping off the charts – in a good way!

              Cultivate Gratitude. Nothing causes the dopamine to start flowing again like gratitude. Putting great and grateful thoughts in your head actually changes your brain chemistry. Meditation is another fast and effective way to physically change your chemistry. Got an mp3 player? There are TONS of great podcasts to help guide you in learning how to quiet and direct some of the 70,000 thoughts we churn out every day. And as for gratitude, I start and finish everyday with a list of what I am grateful for. I often do the ABC gratitude list…finding something I am grateful for that matches every letter of the alphabet. Jane…I absolutely LOVE your avatar because I have become awfully GRATEFUL for Zebras!

              THIRD
              – exercise – early and often and vigorously. Interval exercise causes our brains to release bdnf (brain-derived neurotropic factors)– it’s like miracle grow for the mind. Exercise is the GOOD stress our system needs. If you can’t go out and do sprints or spastic jumping jacks (my fav) start with brisk walking. Some people with lower-body disabilities do upper-body boxing moves to raise their heart rates and get the bdnf going. However you do it…Move it - move it - move it !

              Bottom line…you can not only take back your life from addiction – these actions can help you discover a BETTER life than you could imagine even before addiction. Orimus…you talk about filling the void. Just 3 years ago, if you would’ve told me I would be living the life I am right now…I would’ve declared you delusional. I was resigned to existing in a small, dark, depressing world enslaved by my addictions…blaming myself and believing I was defective and doomed. Well…now - after getting in there and doing a massive rewiring of the entire works - it is clear that I am not diseased or flawed or defective. Life is full and good and exciting and each new day feels like a precious gift. And, as if that wasn’t enough…I’ve learned how to play the accordion !

              Finally…I am not exceptional. I don’t have iron will-power or great self-discipline. What I DO have is factual information that gave me the understanding and acceptance that was essential in overcoming addiction in all its many forms.

              Everyone can have this tremendous peace of mind and freedom – freedom from addiction AND freedom from the fear of ‘relapse’ - once you understand and accept the unalterable physical FACTS of addiction. Alcohol is a toxic drug that damages. Every cell in your body. Every single drink. Every single time. Alcohol damages EVERYbody and NObody is an exception - even people who are not (yet) addicted or those who will never be addicted. It is still damaging. Using drugs is NOT 'normal' despite what the clever ads during Superbowl would have you believe.

              I appreciate the opportunity to share and I am so thrilled to see so many of you coming along this path. One foot in front of the other will get you out of this pit…keep going!
              Sober for the Revolution!
              AF & NF July 23, 2011

              Comment


                Tool box

                ((Re-Posting this from the life-giving incubator known around here as the Newbie's Nest))

                Hi all....I'm a bit of a stranger these days in this part of MWO...but as a grateful Alumnus of the amazing Newbie's Nest...I do still read here when I can and Jane…your post really touched me. I'd like to offer some factual information that I think might be of interest and comfort to your situation.

                For many years, I bought into the notion that I was just one of those unlucky and undisciplined people cursed with an "addictive-personality". At one time or another, I found myself battling with compulsive over-eating and then later, compulsive, addictive drinking and smoking... and then there was the compulsive addictive internet usage...you get the idea. I was resigned to thinking of myself as an ever-revolving mess of weak-willed, over-doing it, compulsive, out-of-control behaviors.

                Well...science says otherwise. It was a revelation to me to learn about the latest research about addiction. While the details about the mechanisms of addiction are not fully understood yet, researchers now know that all addiction stems from the same place in the brain. In simplest terms, basically our reward system – which involves our dopamine receptors – gets really messed up. Maybe our receptors were damaged by stress early in childhood or later in life. Maybe they got skewed by simply drunk-drinking as a youth…maybe we're all fighting receptor fatigue because of our typical western diet that’s high on sugar and low in real nutrients. Regardless of the cause and the individual path we've taken, we've ended up in the same hellish place that is addiction.

                Our brain strives for homeostasis and it works mightily to maintain that balance. One of the many problems with drugs – like alcohol – is that these substances overwhelm the dompaine receptors…..smacks ‘em down and even destroys them and then we need an ever increasing amount of the drug to try to get that same reward. Sugar does the same thing. And add that to another strike against the drug alcohol since it is the jet-fuel of all sugars with a toxic punch of brain-altering ethanol which IMMEDIATELY gets absorbed into our blood system and impacts us instantly on a cellular level - all 200 million trillion of them – depending on how you count them. No matter HOW you add it up…it’s safe to say ALL cells are impacted by this devastating systemic drug.

                Jane, your earlier post about substituting the word HEROIN for alcohol is brilliant and absolutely right on the spot. Alcohol really IS a drug. Even though it is legal, even though it is celebrated, even though it is widely accepted and is pervasive in our culture, IT IS STILL A DRUG. The alcohol industry has invested decades of time and billions of PR and lobbying dollars to make sure we – nor our governments – treat it like the toxic, carcinogenic, addictive substance that it is. Yup…Big Alcohol has made us believe that it’s OUR problem for taking the substance. We are the defective ones because we can’t ingest a toxic, addictive substance ‘responsibly’? How effed up and truly ABSURD is that?

                Rant over (for the moment) while I return to sharing information that will help you figure out how to deal with ALL addiction. Getting better is all about rewiring the reward system. This takes time…but it can be done. AND…you are ALREADY taking some solid actions toward this.

                There are basically

                THREE KEYS to Freeing your Brain from ADDICTION:

                FIRST
                - With alcohol – the most important thing you can do is keep it out of your system. That’s the starting point. With food…well…we DO have to eat or die. So you have to switch to the fuel that is good for your system. That means nothing processed – whole healthy foods. AND absolutely NO SUGAR. It is part of the chemical trigger that overwhelms the dopamine circuits. Withdrawal is a bitch….but we get through it. Because our bodies will feel absolutely deprived initially without the sugar, I suggest having a stock of healthy fruits around during the acute detox phase but go easy on it. Nutshell: BAD OUT – GOOD IN.

                SECOND – Aggressively work on rewiring the brain. Even during withdrawal, - make that ESPECIALLY during withdrawal - you can actively begin changing your brain. Each time you make a positive, affirmative decision to change your old ways….you are forging new neural pathways in your brain. What fires together wires together, as they say. It’s like building muscles…a little at a time adds up to make you a whole lot stronger over time. Give yourself heaps of credit for this. Even the seemingly small acts should get a big round of internal applause.

                REWARD yourself early and often. In my early AF days, I actually transferred the amount of money I would spend on booze and smokes each day into a special bank account. It really adds up. My addictions were costing about $22 a day – sometimes more. I made a point of pampering myself – I got my first ever pedicure…I bought some big-ass dahlia plants…I donated to the animal shelter….I set aside money for a huge family vacation… and these days…I’m salting that money away to help one of my kids through graduate school. To date, the amount of money that would’ve got down my throat and up in smoke rings in at $23,188 (1054 days x $22 a day) HOLY SHECKLES, Batman! That ain’t chicken feed now- even by Stella’s standards. I love seeing that number now – makes my dopamine just ping off the charts – in a good way!

                Cultivate Gratitude. Nothing causes the dopamine to start flowing again like gratitude. Putting great and grateful thoughts in your head actually changes your brain chemistry. Meditation is another fast and effective way to physically change your chemistry. Got an mp3 player? There are TONS of great podcasts to help guide you in learning how to quiet and direct some of the 70,000 thoughts we churn out every day. And as for gratitude, I start and finish everyday with a list of what I am grateful for. I often do the ABC gratitude list…finding something I am grateful for that matches every letter of the alphabet. Jane…I absolutely LOVE your avatar because I have become awfully GRATEFUL for Zebras!

                THIRD
                – exercise – early and often and vigorously. Interval exercise causes our brains to release bdnf (brain-derived neurotropic factors)– it’s like miracle grow for the mind. Exercise is the GOOD stress our system needs. If you can’t go out and do sprints or spastic jumping jacks (my fav) start with brisk walking. Some people with lower-body disabilities do upper-body boxing moves to raise their heart rates and get the bdnf going. However you do it…Move it - move it - move it !

                Bottom line…you can not only take back your life from addiction – these actions can help you discover a BETTER life than you could imagine even before addiction. Orimus…you talk about filling the void. Just 3 years ago, if you would’ve told me I would be living the life I am right now…I would’ve declared you delusional. I was resigned to existing in a small, dark, depressing world enslaved by my addictions…blaming myself and believing I was defective and doomed. Well…now - after getting in there and doing a massive rewiring of the entire works - it is clear that I am not diseased or flawed or defective. Life is full and good and exciting and each new day feels like a precious gift. And, as if that wasn’t enough…I’ve learned how to play the accordion !

                Finally…I am not exceptional. I don’t have iron will-power or great self-discipline. What I DO have is factual information that gave me the understanding and acceptance that was essential in overcoming addiction in all its many forms.

                Everyone can have this tremendous peace of mind and freedom – freedom from addiction AND freedom from the fear of ‘relapse’ - once you understand and accept the unalterable physical FACTS of addiction. Alcohol is a toxic drug that damages. Every cell in your body. Every single drink. Every single time. Alcohol damages EVERYbody and NObody is an exception - even people who are not (yet) addicted or those who will never be addicted. It is still damaging. Using drugs is NOT 'normal' despite what the clever ads during Superbowl would have you believe.

                I appreciate the opportunity to share and I am so thrilled to see so many of you coming along this path. One foot in front of the other will get you out of this pit…keep going!
                Sober for the Revolution!
                AF & NF July 23, 2011

                Comment


                  Tool box

                  One day at a time London is all we can do. I could not get my head around "forever", i could be the only one to successfully moderate and drink. Oh yep right. Us alcoholics cannot ever moderate, we are addicted, plain and simple. At the end of my drinking career i remember staggering into my sons room to ask for a can of bourbon (i hate bourbon) and even in my drunk state i can remember swaying and repeating myself and i was so ashamed and guilty that i could be like this in front of his friends that this was my life. Of course he has forgotten all about that episode but there are many he doesnt forget. so many conversations repeated 10 times by me until they told me to shutup. So much shame and guilt that i could not function, that i was isolating myself more and more so i could drink, losing everything i held dear so i could drink and it didnt make me happy but it did take me to where i did not have to face life. Now i face life every single day and believe me London when (not if) you get to 90+ days you will see the benefits and never ever want to go back. Sure its not easy, its hard, f**king hard, virtually impossible some days but those are the days that you come on here and post, those are the days you stay safe away from al, those are the days you talk to that inner voice that is enticing you to drink and tell it to f**k off. The voice is what you dont give into or you have lost and al has won. If you win against that voice you are winning London. Relapse is about giving in. To me giving up al has taken all my strength and determination and willpower that i have ever had to use. It has taken time, being on here and reading and posting, deciding will i go out and be around al or not. Am i strong enough to do that and deal with al being in my face. if I am unsure the answer will always be no. Changing my routine so that the bottle shops are closed when i went out. Its all about planning so that al doesnt win in the early days. I know you can do 90 days London, when you were on here daily before you found it hard but you also were determined and you can do it again and be proud and happy. To me now al is nothing, i hate al, i hate reading stories on here of what al does to people but i know it can be done as i have done it but i will always be vigilant in this fight. Hes an arsehole and he can come calling at any time.
                  AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

                  Comment


                    Tool box

                    One day at a time London is all we can do. I could not get my head around "forever", i could be the only one to successfully moderate and drink. Oh yep right. Us alcoholics cannot ever moderate, we are addicted, plain and simple. At the end of my drinking career i remember staggering into my sons room to ask for a can of bourbon (i hate bourbon) and even in my drunk state i can remember swaying and repeating myself and i was so ashamed and guilty that i could be like this in front of his friends that this was my life. Of course he has forgotten all about that episode but there are many he doesnt forget. so many conversations repeated 10 times by me until they told me to shutup. So much shame and guilt that i could not function, that i was isolating myself more and more so i could drink, losing everything i held dear so i could drink and it didnt make me happy but it did take me to where i did not have to face life. Now i face life every single day and believe me London when (not if) you get to 90+ days you will see the benefits and never ever want to go back. Sure its not easy, its hard, f**king hard, virtually impossible some days but those are the days that you come on here and post, those are the days you stay safe away from al, those are the days you talk to that inner voice that is enticing you to drink and tell it to f**k off. The voice is what you dont give into or you have lost and al has won. If you win against that voice you are winning London. Relapse is about giving in. To me giving up al has taken all my strength and determination and willpower that i have ever had to use. It has taken time, being on here and reading and posting, deciding will i go out and be around al or not. Am i strong enough to do that and deal with al being in my face. if I am unsure the answer will always be no. Changing my routine so that the bottle shops are closed when i went out. Its all about planning so that al doesnt win in the early days. I know you can do 90 days London, when you were on here daily before you found it hard but you also were determined and you can do it again and be proud and happy. To me now al is nothing, i hate al, i hate reading stories on here of what al does to people but i know it can be done as i have done it but i will always be vigilant in this fight. Hes an arsehole and he can come calling at any time.
                    AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2022 - 9 years of freedom

                    Comment


                      Tool box

                      ?I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn?t understand why the happiness never came, couldn?t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn?t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn?t made me feel good in years.?

                      ― Heather King, Parched
                      Would you like you, if you met you?

                      Comment


                        Tool box

                        ?I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn?t understand why the happiness never came, couldn?t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn?t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn?t made me feel good in years.?

                        ― Heather King, Parched
                        Would you like you, if you met you?

                        Comment


                          Tool box

                          Thoughts on getting through the early days sober (I posted this in the Nest):

                          Hi, Everyone:

                          I was exercising today and listened to the Bubble Hour episode called: Early Sobriety - Am I Ever Going to Feel Better. It is VERY GOOD for people with 1 day to 1 year sober - very informative about what we might be feeling and experiencing. They talk about PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) that can strike at any time when you least expect them, and can frequently lead to relapse. Symptoms include:

                          --Anxiety
                          --Irritability
                          --Disrupted sleeping patterns; insomnia
                          --Confusion and forgetfulness
                          --Attention and focus problems

                          What is the one thing that we think can relieve all of those problems quickly? You guessed it - a drink. That's why PAWS can lead to relapse.

                          They make the point that most people get them, even if you think it couldn't be you (I know I thought it couldn't be me - I thought that was for REALLY REALLY hard drinkers...) They also make the point that as long as we're expecting them and make very tight plans to get through them we CAN get through them (like G says above). And what's the number one recommendation? REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. The reason we don't want to is that we feel vulnerable, afraid, ashamed and we don't want to be talked out of a "planned relapse." We make excuses that our brain tells us are real, and get defensive when people point out the fallacy of our thinking. That is the cold, hard fact of denial.

                          The bummer is, once you drink, your brain is reset back, and you'll have to go through it all again.

                          SO... If you're feeling crummy in any way for any reason, post here, call a friend, go to a meeting, read, exercise, breathe - BEFORE you make the decision to listen to the dickhead (that's AL). The good news is that it goes away. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, but it DOES go away.

                          My soapbox speech for tonight.

                          Honestly, really, truly, unbelievably, being sober is MUCH MUCH better than being a drunk.

                          Pav

                          Comment


                            Tool box

                            Thoughts on getting through the early days sober (I posted this in the Nest):

                            Hi, Everyone:

                            I was exercising today and listened to the Bubble Hour episode called: Early Sobriety - Am I Ever Going to Feel Better. It is VERY GOOD for people with 1 day to 1 year sober - very informative about what we might be feeling and experiencing. They talk about PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) that can strike at any time when you least expect them, and can frequently lead to relapse. Symptoms include:

                            --Anxiety
                            --Irritability
                            --Disrupted sleeping patterns; insomnia
                            --Confusion and forgetfulness
                            --Attention and focus problems

                            What is the one thing that we think can relieve all of those problems quickly? You guessed it - a drink. That's why PAWS can lead to relapse.

                            They make the point that most people get them, even if you think it couldn't be you (I know I thought it couldn't be me - I thought that was for REALLY REALLY hard drinkers...) They also make the point that as long as we're expecting them and make very tight plans to get through them we CAN get through them (like G says above). And what's the number one recommendation? REACH OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. The reason we don't want to is that we feel vulnerable, afraid, ashamed and we don't want to be talked out of a "planned relapse." We make excuses that our brain tells us are real, and get defensive when people point out the fallacy of our thinking. That is the cold, hard fact of denial.

                            The bummer is, once you drink, your brain is reset back, and you'll have to go through it all again.

                            SO... If you're feeling crummy in any way for any reason, post here, call a friend, go to a meeting, read, exercise, breathe - BEFORE you make the decision to listen to the dickhead (that's AL). The good news is that it goes away. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, but it DOES go away.

                            My soapbox speech for tonight.

                            Honestly, really, truly, unbelievably, being sober is MUCH MUCH better than being a drunk.

                            Pav

                            Comment


                              Tool box

                              I've been kindly asked to repost this over here; it helped me to write it and I hope it helps to read it, as well. -LavBlue

                              I'm noticing that in the reading I'm doing, it's really helped me to hear someone else talk about specific ways AL lies. It's made me think more about the ways it lies to me. I was going to just make a list for myself but it seems like the sort of thing worth posting. It got longer than I planned, though!

                              Lie: Your finances are so screwed, you're probably never going to fix this mess anyway so you may as well just relax the best you can.
                              Truth: I definitely can't sort my finances while I'm drinking! The economy in the US is awful for a lot of people, I am not the only one. Plenty of people are finding ways to cope with debt and get new starts. And buying AL is contributing to my credit card debt!

                              Lie: It's ok to have just one to get to sleep, that doesn't even count.
                              Truth: Besides the "just one" lie, I've read in enough places that AL actually messes up your sleep schedule and makes the sleep you do get not as good as sober sleep.

                              Lie: It's ok to use AL for your depression/anxiety. You were diagnosed with those before you even started drinking and a few drinks is better than the side effects you got off prescription meds.
                              Truth: I had horrendous depression and anxiety from a very young age, yep. But AL has been shown to make both of those WORSE. Plus I know from my own honest experience that it is always a tossup if drinking is going to dull the emotions or make them even worse even in the moment. After drinking for so long, I can't even reasonably tell how much is my natural state and how much is either directly or indirectly caused by my AL use and abuse. I can always go to a doctor later if I feel like I still need meds, but using AL prevents me from even knowing if I still need them or not.

                              Lie: You only gained weight because you're lazy.
                              Truth: Putting that many liquid calories into my body? Yeah...pretty sure that did not help. And drinking has never yet made feel super excited about exercising. Going AF isn't going to magically get me back in shape, but it's the only way I'll have a chance at getting there.

                              Lie: All of the fun people drink. Also you're probably boring if you don't.
                              Truth: I know a few folks who have quit drinking and I still think they're fun people! I know a few who have never drank for one reason or another and they're awesome, fun people as well. And I'm much more boring when I drink since all I have to talk about is...well, drinking.

                              Lie: There's nothing to do if you don't drink.
                              Truth: I have missed out on so many things the last few years because of my drinking. I love going to the zoo and have a season pass that I used ONCE last year...because there wasn't a good way to go and still be able to drink without anyone asking why the hell I needed a drink while at the zoo of all places. I missed half of the last movie I went to because I felt sick and was distracted for the rest because I wanted to get home and have a drink. I don't even know how many other things I've skipped or cut short because it was more important to me to get home and drink.

                              Lie: Really, you can have just one, I know you can.
                              Truth: Sometimes I can make myself drink just one...and then I spend the rest of the night cranky that I can't have more. Or I sneak more on the side and then decide it "doesn't count." That doesn't sound like a good plan to me.

                              Lie: But you have so many good memories from your pub days!
                              Truth: Probably in the beginning, yes. I was in my early adulthood and just starting to make friends out of my hometown. I'd always had older friends, so I was finally able to legally drink with them. But it sure didn't take long before I was drinking before I even got there, spending too much on drinks while I was there, questioning how I was acting and what I was saying, and entering the lovely land of hangovers. The "good times" haven't existed for YEARS and having a drink isn't going to magically make me 21 again.

                              Lie: You've always been annoyed at people who think drinking is "wrong," how dare you be a hypocrite!
                              Truth: I don't think it's "wrong." I think it's bad for ME and I want to make different choices for myself. That has nothing to do with morality or religious right and wrong.

                              Lie: After that one horrid relationship you totally deserve to fall apart for a bit, everyone was amazed you didn't end up in a mental hospital with everything that happened.
                              Truth: I've never allowed myself to heal from all of that because I was too busy drinking it away. You can't heal from something that you never allow yourself to feel. If I need therapy, I can find a way to get therapy...but AL has done nothing to help me get past any of it. And I deserve to get past it, I do not deserve to declare my life over and done with because of a bad time.

                              Lie: AL gives you the confidence you need to fix things.
                              Truth: AL has been eroding my confidence this entire time. I am less sure of myself now than I was even 5 years ago.

                              Lie: AL helps your writing.
                              Truth: It never has and it never will. Go read anything Stephen King has said about how much better his writing got when he sobered up and how much "but I'm a writer" isn't an excuse to drink.

                              Lie: But you are a special snowflake, so hurt by the pain in the world....etc.
                              Truth: Then I can take up meditation and do good works. Seriously, for one I am not a paragon of sensitivity any more than anyone else and for two...even if I was, drinking is not the answer. I am overly empathetic sometimes, but part of that is poor emotional boundaries which AL makes worse, not better. I also hide from my issues by trying to help other people with theirs sometimes - that is an unhealthy escape for me AND probably means I give advice when it's not needed or wanted.

                              Lie: You're an idiot for getting to this place, why even try to change?
                              Truth: I'm not an idiot. I've been caught up in an addiction and in the denial that comes with it. I am making a worthwhile choice by saying, "No, that is enough, I am done."

                              Lie: You're much more entertaining when you drink.
                              Truth: When I drink I either get a lot more quiet because I'm afraid of saying something I'll regret later or I get way too loud and...say things I regret later. I suppose that's entertaining for some people to watch, but I wouldn't call it good for me or the people who actually care about me.

                              Lie: This is pointless, you have much more important things to worry about than how much you drink.
                              Truth: The drinking has been getting in the way of me sorting out all of that. There is nothing that drinking has magically solved for me, but a whole mess of things it's been helping me put off. I will deal with my other issues one at a time as I can, but all of them will be easier to sort out sober.

                              Lie: At least stop whining on at people about it, other people have real problems you know.
                              Truth: No one on this site, nor the close friends I've told, is going to tell me to go away and that my problems don't count. And I DO have problems or I wouldn't be here!

                              Lie: You've done so well, you deserve a drink!
                              Truth: Only an addiction would say that and only someone like me who is addicted would even for one second think that makes sense. Seriously. That's like "I'm so happy I haven't had a migraine in a while, think I'll beat my head against the wall to celebrate!"

                              Lie: You can't do this.
                              Truth: A couple weeks ago I was sure I couldn't take a day off drinking. I've made it 9. Tell me more about what I can't do, because I will prove you wrong.
                              I am stubborn as a pig - but changing what I'm being stubborn about!

                              Cigarette Free On: 9/23/2014
                              AF on: 8/12/2014

                              Comment


                                Tool box

                                I've been kindly asked to repost this over here; it helped me to write it and I hope it helps to read it, as well. -LavBlue

                                I'm noticing that in the reading I'm doing, it's really helped me to hear someone else talk about specific ways AL lies. It's made me think more about the ways it lies to me. I was going to just make a list for myself but it seems like the sort of thing worth posting. It got longer than I planned, though!

                                Lie: Your finances are so screwed, you're probably never going to fix this mess anyway so you may as well just relax the best you can.
                                Truth: I definitely can't sort my finances while I'm drinking! The economy in the US is awful for a lot of people, I am not the only one. Plenty of people are finding ways to cope with debt and get new starts. And buying AL is contributing to my credit card debt!

                                Lie: It's ok to have just one to get to sleep, that doesn't even count.
                                Truth: Besides the "just one" lie, I've read in enough places that AL actually messes up your sleep schedule and makes the sleep you do get not as good as sober sleep.

                                Lie: It's ok to use AL for your depression/anxiety. You were diagnosed with those before you even started drinking and a few drinks is better than the side effects you got off prescription meds.
                                Truth: I had horrendous depression and anxiety from a very young age, yep. But AL has been shown to make both of those WORSE. Plus I know from my own honest experience that it is always a tossup if drinking is going to dull the emotions or make them even worse even in the moment. After drinking for so long, I can't even reasonably tell how much is my natural state and how much is either directly or indirectly caused by my AL use and abuse. I can always go to a doctor later if I feel like I still need meds, but using AL prevents me from even knowing if I still need them or not.

                                Lie: You only gained weight because you're lazy.
                                Truth: Putting that many liquid calories into my body? Yeah...pretty sure that did not help. And drinking has never yet made feel super excited about exercising. Going AF isn't going to magically get me back in shape, but it's the only way I'll have a chance at getting there.

                                Lie: All of the fun people drink. Also you're probably boring if you don't.
                                Truth: I know a few folks who have quit drinking and I still think they're fun people! I know a few who have never drank for one reason or another and they're awesome, fun people as well. And I'm much more boring when I drink since all I have to talk about is...well, drinking.

                                Lie: There's nothing to do if you don't drink.
                                Truth: I have missed out on so many things the last few years because of my drinking. I love going to the zoo and have a season pass that I used ONCE last year...because there wasn't a good way to go and still be able to drink without anyone asking why the hell I needed a drink while at the zoo of all places. I missed half of the last movie I went to because I felt sick and was distracted for the rest because I wanted to get home and have a drink. I don't even know how many other things I've skipped or cut short because it was more important to me to get home and drink.

                                Lie: Really, you can have just one, I know you can.
                                Truth: Sometimes I can make myself drink just one...and then I spend the rest of the night cranky that I can't have more. Or I sneak more on the side and then decide it "doesn't count." That doesn't sound like a good plan to me.

                                Lie: But you have so many good memories from your pub days!
                                Truth: Probably in the beginning, yes. I was in my early adulthood and just starting to make friends out of my hometown. I'd always had older friends, so I was finally able to legally drink with them. But it sure didn't take long before I was drinking before I even got there, spending too much on drinks while I was there, questioning how I was acting and what I was saying, and entering the lovely land of hangovers. The "good times" haven't existed for YEARS and having a drink isn't going to magically make me 21 again.

                                Lie: You've always been annoyed at people who think drinking is "wrong," how dare you be a hypocrite!
                                Truth: I don't think it's "wrong." I think it's bad for ME and I want to make different choices for myself. That has nothing to do with morality or religious right and wrong.

                                Lie: After that one horrid relationship you totally deserve to fall apart for a bit, everyone was amazed you didn't end up in a mental hospital with everything that happened.
                                Truth: I've never allowed myself to heal from all of that because I was too busy drinking it away. You can't heal from something that you never allow yourself to feel. If I need therapy, I can find a way to get therapy...but AL has done nothing to help me get past any of it. And I deserve to get past it, I do not deserve to declare my life over and done with because of a bad time.

                                Lie: AL gives you the confidence you need to fix things.
                                Truth: AL has been eroding my confidence this entire time. I am less sure of myself now than I was even 5 years ago.

                                Lie: AL helps your writing.
                                Truth: It never has and it never will. Go read anything Stephen King has said about how much better his writing got when he sobered up and how much "but I'm a writer" isn't an excuse to drink.

                                Lie: But you are a special snowflake, so hurt by the pain in the world....etc.
                                Truth: Then I can take up meditation and do good works. Seriously, for one I am not a paragon of sensitivity any more than anyone else and for two...even if I was, drinking is not the answer. I am overly empathetic sometimes, but part of that is poor emotional boundaries which AL makes worse, not better. I also hide from my issues by trying to help other people with theirs sometimes - that is an unhealthy escape for me AND probably means I give advice when it's not needed or wanted.

                                Lie: You're an idiot for getting to this place, why even try to change?
                                Truth: I'm not an idiot. I've been caught up in an addiction and in the denial that comes with it. I am making a worthwhile choice by saying, "No, that is enough, I am done."

                                Lie: You're much more entertaining when you drink.
                                Truth: When I drink I either get a lot more quiet because I'm afraid of saying something I'll regret later or I get way too loud and...say things I regret later. I suppose that's entertaining for some people to watch, but I wouldn't call it good for me or the people who actually care about me.

                                Lie: This is pointless, you have much more important things to worry about than how much you drink.
                                Truth: The drinking has been getting in the way of me sorting out all of that. There is nothing that drinking has magically solved for me, but a whole mess of things it's been helping me put off. I will deal with my other issues one at a time as I can, but all of them will be easier to sort out sober.

                                Lie: At least stop whining on at people about it, other people have real problems you know.
                                Truth: No one on this site, nor the close friends I've told, is going to tell me to go away and that my problems don't count. And I DO have problems or I wouldn't be here!

                                Lie: You've done so well, you deserve a drink!
                                Truth: Only an addiction would say that and only someone like me who is addicted would even for one second think that makes sense. Seriously. That's like "I'm so happy I haven't had a migraine in a while, think I'll beat my head against the wall to celebrate!"

                                Lie: You can't do this.
                                Truth: A couple weeks ago I was sure I couldn't take a day off drinking. I've made it 9. Tell me more about what I can't do, because I will prove you wrong.
                                I am stubborn as a pig - but changing what I'm being stubborn about!

                                Cigarette Free On: 9/23/2014
                                AF on: 8/12/2014

                                Comment

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