Tool box

[okoren1]

Byrdie, for starters, let me be the first to congratulate YOU on day 1,456! You are always the congratulator, now you are the congratulatee! WELL DONE!

Regarding your time line above, I think you are correct. I view days AF as a geometric progression. In other words it is kind of like a rocket ship taking off. Lots of power and enthusiasm in the early days as we leave the orbital pull of AL, and as time goes on we settle into a nice, easy orbit, whereby we can look back and enjoy what's been achieved.

To be more specific:

Day 1- Huge day; initial lift off- did I really just go through 24 hours without a single drop of AL?,
Day 3- Rocket is just about 1000 feet above ground, thrusters are still full strength- this is when the AL fog starts to lift, and we can start to look down at what may be a new world, good things are happening fast,
Day 7-Just starting to see the edge of AL gravitational pull,- well, I haven't crashed after initial lift off, just maybe this could work???
Day 13- I can see the heavens above. The nasty AL pull below, is now coming into focus as being in the rear view mirror.-I really think it IS working!!
Day 30- Really clearing AL gravitational pull,- the cravings are steadily going away, I am feeling better than I have in years- did I really just finish a month AF??
Day 60- Safely out of AL gravity, but remaining very vigilant-, Gosh, I have been on MWO everyday for the last two months, heck, I am even starting to offer advice to others behind me. Imagine that!
Day 100- Orbit achieved, main thrusters off, now just a bit of minor thruster modification now and again, Geez, I haven't had any urge or craving in a long time, I don't even think about AL that much now. Who would have thought?
Day 150- Just gliding along enjoying this new AF world- I can see 6 months on the near horizon and 1 year doesn't look to be that far away.


Well, that is the Starship Trooper report submitted by AF/Astronaut Okoren- tomorrow 160 AF days.

[okoren1]

Byrdie, for starters, let me be the first to congratulate YOU on day 1,456! You are always the congratulator, now you are the congratulatee! WELL DONE!

Regarding your time line above, I think you are correct. I view days AF as a geometric progression. In other words it is kind of like a rocket ship taking off. Lots of power and enthusiasm in the early days as we leave the orbital pull of AL, and as time goes on we settle into a nice, easy orbit, whereby we can look back and enjoy what's been achieved.

To be more specific:

Day 1- Huge day; initial lift off- did I really just go through 24 hours without a single drop of AL?,
Day 3- Rocket is just about 1000 feet above ground, thrusters are still full strength- this is when the AL fog starts to lift, and we can start to look down at what may be a new world, good things are happening fast,
Day 7-Just starting to see the edge of AL gravitational pull,- well, I haven't crashed after initial lift off, just maybe this could work???
Day 13- I can see the heavens above. The nasty AL pull below, is now coming into focus as being in the rear view mirror.-I really think it IS working!!
Day 30- Really clearing AL gravitational pull,- the cravings are steadily going away, I am feeling better than I have in years- did I really just finish a month AF??
Day 60- Safely out of AL gravity, but remaining very vigilant-, Gosh, I have been on MWO everyday for the last two months, heck, I am even starting to offer advice to others behind me. Imagine that!
Day 100- Orbit achieved, main thrusters off, now just a bit of minor thruster modification now and again, Geez, I haven't had any urge or craving in a long time, I don't even think about AL that much now. Who would have thought?
Day 150- Just gliding along enjoying this new AF world- I can see 6 months on the near horizon and 1 year doesn't look to be that far away.


Well, that is the Starship Trooper report submitted by AF/Astronaut Okoren- tomorrow 160 AF days.

[Byrdlady]

My 4 year anniversary speech:

STATE OF THE UNION!

Good Morning, Nesters! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the well-wishes!!! It's funny that as I read the wonderful notes, I couldn't help but think, 'DAM, this could have been 5 years if I had gotten my act together!' I guess it's our nature, huh?

As I ask others to do, I will do myself....A Speech! (I do this as much for myself as to document where I am in time)

What is different at 4 years?
MindPeace.
I tell you, when I finally DID QUIT, it was an absolute decision. I left myself NO escape clause. I had used them all. This time it HAD to work and the only thing that I hadn't done was ACCEPT that I couldn't drink again....no matter what. In quits past, I approached it half-heartedly and with bitterness and ANGER. WHY was I being punished like this? Why couldn't I enjoy the occasional drink??? The answer was pretty simple, I am an alcoholic. Yes, the A word. How could this happen? I still don't know the answer to that, but rather than living in the past trying to unravel every wrong, I had to accept my present state and move forward. I had to OWN my situation and I had to OWN my solution. The good news is that at every milepost, I thought I was doing just great! At 7 days....at 13 (Magic #13), at 30....at 6 months and beyond. I WAS doing great, each day of AL freedom is better than the day before in some way. At one year, I was very happy, but I still had 'those thoughts' from time to time. At 2 years, I was at peace with the whole thing. 3 years, more peace, I was getting thru an entire weekend without any thoughts of 'wouldn't it be nice'. At 4 years, I feel normal. There is one big difference though: I HATE ALCOHOL. There is no romance left in our relationship, I see it as poison to me and my friends here. Just as you can see clearly after a divorce and many years have passed, I can now see what AL does to people. ALL people. If I had a beautiful orchid and poured vodka on it every day, it wouldn't take long for it to die....that's what was happening to me. It was a very hard relationship to sever...THE HARDEST, in fact, because it kept trying to LURE me back with Misty Watercolor Memories. It didn't mention the falls I'd taken, or the ass I'd made of myself or the clothes ruined, the relationships bruised...all the STUPID stuff it encouraged me to do while under its influence. I'm just damned lucky to be alive, looking back. I am SO THANKFUL to be 4 years free. It is like getting out of prison. You can't see it when you are in the grips of it, but if you get that distance you will see what a powerful force AL has been for us. I have never been happier and more well-adjusted until I stopped fighting with AL. It's a battle I lost every time and I proved that (X 1000). AL is more powerful than I am. Yes, I am a card-carrying HARDCORE ABBER and I'm proud of it. There's just no room for negotiations with this bastard! Give him an inch and he's the ruler! Not one, not ever!!!! and I am just fine with that!

If you are struggling with AL (like I did for 20+ years and a SOLID year once I got here).....I would urge you to try what you've never tried before.... LET IT GO. You can't win this one. It is the most empowering advice I can give you....do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF. Then do the same tomorrow. It is one of the best decisions I have made in my adult life. I wish I had taken the easier road and just quit, but I thought I knew better....I thought I was different. I thought I could BEAT alcoholism. In my own way, I have.....I don't drink.

Special thanks go out to my HERO, Lavande. She scraped me off the floor so many times and gave me a kick in the seat more than once. I'LL SHOW YOU!! (and I hope I have!!) THANK YOU for believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. You are the first person here in the morning and the last one to tuck us in at night. You are the North Star of this place. I hope you know how much I appreciate, admire and love YOU.

4 more years!! Accomplished one day at a time! Thank you for all of the great wishes!! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

My 4 year anniversary speech:

STATE OF THE UNION!

Good Morning, Nesters! I can't tell you how much I appreciate the well-wishes!!! It's funny that as I read the wonderful notes, I couldn't help but think, 'DAM, this could have been 5 years if I had gotten my act together!' I guess it's our nature, huh?

As I ask others to do, I will do myself....A Speech! (I do this as much for myself as to document where I am in time)

What is different at 4 years?
MindPeace.
I tell you, when I finally DID QUIT, it was an absolute decision. I left myself NO escape clause. I had used them all. This time it HAD to work and the only thing that I hadn't done was ACCEPT that I couldn't drink again....no matter what. In quits past, I approached it half-heartedly and with bitterness and ANGER. WHY was I being punished like this? Why couldn't I enjoy the occasional drink??? The answer was pretty simple, I am an alcoholic. Yes, the A word. How could this happen? I still don't know the answer to that, but rather than living in the past trying to unravel every wrong, I had to accept my present state and move forward. I had to OWN my situation and I had to OWN my solution. The good news is that at every milepost, I thought I was doing just great! At 7 days....at 13 (Magic #13), at 30....at 6 months and beyond. I WAS doing great, each day of AL freedom is better than the day before in some way. At one year, I was very happy, but I still had 'those thoughts' from time to time. At 2 years, I was at peace with the whole thing. 3 years, more peace, I was getting thru an entire weekend without any thoughts of 'wouldn't it be nice'. At 4 years, I feel normal. There is one big difference though: I HATE ALCOHOL. There is no romance left in our relationship, I see it as poison to me and my friends here. Just as you can see clearly after a divorce and many years have passed, I can now see what AL does to people. ALL people. If I had a beautiful orchid and poured vodka on it every day, it wouldn't take long for it to die....that's what was happening to me. It was a very hard relationship to sever...THE HARDEST, in fact, because it kept trying to LURE me back with Misty Watercolor Memories. It didn't mention the falls I'd taken, or the ass I'd made of myself or the clothes ruined, the relationships bruised...all the STUPID stuff it encouraged me to do while under its influence. I'm just damned lucky to be alive, looking back. I am SO THANKFUL to be 4 years free. It is like getting out of prison. You can't see it when you are in the grips of it, but if you get that distance you will see what a powerful force AL has been for us. I have never been happier and more well-adjusted until I stopped fighting with AL. It's a battle I lost every time and I proved that (X 1000). AL is more powerful than I am. Yes, I am a card-carrying HARDCORE ABBER and I'm proud of it. There's just no room for negotiations with this bastard! Give him an inch and he's the ruler! Not one, not ever!!!! and I am just fine with that!

If you are struggling with AL (like I did for 20+ years and a SOLID year once I got here).....I would urge you to try what you've never tried before.... LET IT GO. You can't win this one. It is the most empowering advice I can give you....do whatever it takes to get thru this day AF. Then do the same tomorrow. It is one of the best decisions I have made in my adult life. I wish I had taken the easier road and just quit, but I thought I knew better....I thought I was different. I thought I could BEAT alcoholism. In my own way, I have.....I don't drink.

Special thanks go out to my HERO, Lavande. She scraped me off the floor so many times and gave me a kick in the seat more than once. I'LL SHOW YOU!! (and I hope I have!!) THANK YOU for believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. You are the first person here in the morning and the last one to tuck us in at night. You are the North Star of this place. I hope you know how much I appreciate, admire and love YOU.

4 more years!! Accomplished one day at a time! Thank you for all of the great wishes!! Byrdie

[shambles70]

Byrdie, for starters, let me be the first to congratulate YOU on day 1,456! You are always the congratulator, now you are the congratulatee! WELL DONE!

Regarding your time line above, I think you are correct. I view days AF as a geometric progression. In other words it is kind of like a rocket ship taking off. Lots of power and enthusiasm in the early days as we leave the orbital pull of AL, and as time goes on we settle into a nice, easy orbit, whereby we can look back and enjoy what's been achieved.

To be more specific:

Day 1- Huge day; initial lift off- did I really just go through 24 hours without a single drop of AL?,
Day 3- Rocket is just about 1000 feet above ground, thrusters are still full strength- this is when the AL fog starts to lift, and we can start to look down at what may be a new world, good things are happening fast,
Day 7-Just starting to see the edge of AL gravitational pull,- well, I haven't crashed after initial lift off, just maybe this could work???
Day 13- I can see the heavens above. The nasty AL pull below, is now coming into focus as being in the rear view mirror.-I really think it IS working!!
Day 30- Really clearing AL gravitational pull,- the cravings are steadily going away, I am feeling better than I have in years- did I really just finish a month AF??
Day 60- Safely out of AL gravity, but remaining very vigilant-, Gosh, I have been on MWO everyday for the last two months, heck, I am even starting to offer advice to others behind me. Imagine that!
Day 100- Orbit achieved, main thrusters off, now just a bit of minor thruster modification now and again, Geez, I haven't had any urge or craving in a long time, I don't even think about AL that much now. Who would have thought?
Day 150- Just gliding along enjoying this new AF world- I can see 6 months on the near horizon and 1 year doesn't look to be that far away.


Well, that is the Starship Trooper report submitted by AF/Astronaut Okoren- tomorrow 160 AF days.

Bravo! :applouse:

[shambles70]

Byrdie, for starters, let me be the first to congratulate YOU on day 1,456! You are always the congratulator, now you are the congratulatee! WELL DONE!

Regarding your time line above, I think you are correct. I view days AF as a geometric progression. In other words it is kind of like a rocket ship taking off. Lots of power and enthusiasm in the early days as we leave the orbital pull of AL, and as time goes on we settle into a nice, easy orbit, whereby we can look back and enjoy what's been achieved.

To be more specific:

Day 1- Huge day; initial lift off- did I really just go through 24 hours without a single drop of AL?,
Day 3- Rocket is just about 1000 feet above ground, thrusters are still full strength- this is when the AL fog starts to lift, and we can start to look down at what may be a new world, good things are happening fast,
Day 7-Just starting to see the edge of AL gravitational pull,- well, I haven't crashed after initial lift off, just maybe this could work???
Day 13- I can see the heavens above. The nasty AL pull below, is now coming into focus as being in the rear view mirror.-I really think it IS working!!
Day 30- Really clearing AL gravitational pull,- the cravings are steadily going away, I am feeling better than I have in years- did I really just finish a month AF??
Day 60- Safely out of AL gravity, but remaining very vigilant-, Gosh, I have been on MWO everyday for the last two months, heck, I am even starting to offer advice to others behind me. Imagine that!
Day 100- Orbit achieved, main thrusters off, now just a bit of minor thruster modification now and again, Geez, I haven't had any urge or craving in a long time, I don't even think about AL that much now. Who would have thought?
Day 150- Just gliding along enjoying this new AF world- I can see 6 months on the near horizon and 1 year doesn't look to be that far away.


Well, that is the Starship Trooper report submitted by AF/Astronaut Okoren- tomorrow 160 AF days.

Bravo! :applouse:

[NoSugar]

2 years of AF living (reposted from the Newbies Nest)

A year ago was great – there had been so many huge, obvious, important changes in my life since I last consumed alcohol. And today is even better. The second year is full of subtler, sometimes imperceptible changes, all of which directly come from no longer being in the grip of an addiction.

My hope is that anyone still struggling just takes a leap of faith, realizing that we’ve no incentive to be hanging around MWO lying about the joys and benefits of AF living. It’s all true. And the whole process is so much less scary and painful than you think it will be. Just like getting a shot [EDIT: NOT of alcohol!!!], the more you can relax into it, the easier and less painful it is. You don't have to understand the biology behind it (Although that helps!) or believe to your very core that it will work, just accept that you need that shot!

Byrdlady was 4 days past 2 years when I joined and as you all know, that Byrd has her AF sh*t together. I so wanted to BE her but 2 years without a drink? How could I ever do that? Well… I just did what she and other successfully AF people were doing. I repeated what they said in my own words. I asked them a lot of questions and applied their answers to my life. I believed and trusted them. I hung out online with people who were living as I wanted to live and who were truly supportive but not interested in my excuses and BS.

You can do that, too! You don’t have to always “feel it”. Act like a person who doesn’t drink long enough and you’ll become one. A year ago, I was a person who didn’t drink. Now I'm a non-drinker.

I’m looking forward to finding out what the third year brings!

[NoSugar]

2 years of AF living (reposted from the Newbies Nest)

A year ago was great – there had been so many huge, obvious, important changes in my life since I last consumed alcohol. And today is even better. The second year is full of subtler, sometimes imperceptible changes, all of which directly come from no longer being in the grip of an addiction.

My hope is that anyone still struggling just takes a leap of faith, realizing that we’ve no incentive to be hanging around MWO lying about the joys and benefits of AF living. It’s all true. And the whole process is so much less scary and painful than you think it will be. Just like getting a shot [EDIT: NOT of alcohol!!!], the more you can relax into it, the easier and less painful it is. You don't have to understand the biology behind it (Although that helps!) or believe to your very core that it will work, just accept that you need that shot!

Byrdlady was 4 days past 2 years when I joined and as you all know, that Byrd has her AF sh*t together. I so wanted to BE her but 2 years without a drink? How could I ever do that? Well… I just did what she and other successfully AF people were doing. I repeated what they said in my own words. I asked them a lot of questions and applied their answers to my life. I believed and trusted them. I hung out online with people who were living as I wanted to live and who were truly supportive but not interested in my excuses and BS.

You can do that, too! You don’t have to always “feel it”. Act like a person who doesn’t drink long enough and you’ll become one. A year ago, I was a person who didn’t drink. Now I'm a non-drinker.

I’m looking forward to finding out what the third year brings!

[NoSugar]

Reposted from the Newbies Nest:

Some of the recent posts got me thinking about addiction, how it happens, and what to do about it. These are just my thoughts stemming from spending the last 2 years learning as much as I can about the subject and getting to know well many people besides myself who've experienced addiction.

It seems to me that at the core of all this is a inability to cope with the stresses of life - normal ones and extreme events - in a non-destructive way. Many of us have traumatic events, bad relationships, unfullfulling jobs, huge personal losses, financial strain, etc. in our pasts and it seems like those must have caused us to become addicted to alcohol. But, some of us haven't had those experiences and there are plenty of people who have suffered worse and are not addicted to alcohol or any other drug.

Some of us are introverts, some are extroverts; some have other physical and mental issues, others have none. Some are people pleasers and others not. There is no single personality "type" that becomes an addict. Addiction is not limited to any socioeconomic class or race. We are as diverse as any other group. The thing we have in common is the susceptibility to addiction.

Alcohol is a toxic but socially-acceptable substance that is addictive to a subset of people. It does alleviate stress and its use in that context is actively promoted. Going on an occasional "bender" to relieve stress even seems like a normal thing to do. People who are constantly uptight are encouraged to 'have a drink and relax'.

So, it's not at all weird that we were exposed to alcohol and discovered over time that we were able to better handle some of life's stresses (and celebrate the good times) with a drink -- just like so many other people do. But with repeated exposure to this addictive substance, and with the genetic capacity to become addicted -- we did. We all chose to drink alcohol - but I can't imagine anyone chose to become addicted. And because when you're not doing anything that your peers aren't doing and that seems normal, you're generally addicted before you're aware that you're responding differently than other people and that it's a serious problem.

I spent a great deal of time blaming myself for having become addicted and trying to figure out why it happened - where I went wrong and what I should have done differently. I thought if I could figure out the reason, I could "fix it" and make sure it didn't happen again. I had a perverted jealousy of people who wrote about how they were abused as children or lost a spouse - as if their drinking were understandable and unlike me, "not their fault". I'd had some family illnesses and personal losses over the years, experienced the empty nest, suffered some job burn-out - all the typical stresses of life - but none of them seemed sufficient to have caused an addiction. And now I don't think they were. Nothing causes an addiction other than the addictive substance itself in a susceptible individual who has not developed sufficient tools to cope with normal and extreme stress or who upon alcohol exposure, at some level realizes how much more fully and quickly effective it is compared to exercise, meditation, religious practice, etc. And when something is legal and readily available, is encouraged and celebrated, is touted as actually being "good" for you, is considered "adult and sophisticated" and makes you feel good, why wouldn't you consume it?

So, we did. It made us feel good until it no longer did and then we found we couldn't stop. Maybe there was a window of opportunity in there when we could have recognized the developing problem before the addiction was in place but I think it was probably a very narrow window. I've almost forgiven myself for missing it.

The good news out of all of this is, though, is that by learning to handle stress in different ways, we can be free of the addiction. They take effort, time, and planning and they are not as fast-acting as our drug of choice but gratitude, exercise, meditation, service, intellectual development, hobbies, religion, etc. etc. can all offer great rewards and minimize the effects of stress. For me, removing the extreme stress of hunger and low blood sugar with food rather than alcohol was and is one of the main keys to sobriety. Food is not nearly as 'rewarding' as that first glass of wine on an empty stomach but it's my tool that prevents that needy part of my brain from demanding a drink. Yoga doesn't give the buzz that alcohol used to, but the feeling of full body relaxation is similar to that that used to come from a glass or 2 of wine.

These other forms of stress-management aren't as quick and easy as alcohol was before it lost its effectiveness for most of us but they can become enjoyable parts of life that make you resilient to the normal, and even the extreme, stresses that we all encounter. For any of us who made it to this website, the cost of what alcohol so readily provides has become much too high of a price to pay. And the good news is, we can all stop paying it.

[NoSugar]

Reposted from the Newbies Nest:

Some of the recent posts got me thinking about addiction, how it happens, and what to do about it. These are just my thoughts stemming from spending the last 2 years learning as much as I can about the subject and getting to know well many people besides myself who've experienced addiction.

It seems to me that at the core of all this is a inability to cope with the stresses of life - normal ones and extreme events - in a non-destructive way. Many of us have traumatic events, bad relationships, unfullfulling jobs, huge personal losses, financial strain, etc. in our pasts and it seems like those must have caused us to become addicted to alcohol. But, some of us haven't had those experiences and there are plenty of people who have suffered worse and are not addicted to alcohol or any other drug.

Some of us are introverts, some are extroverts; some have other physical and mental issues, others have none. Some are people pleasers and others not. There is no single personality "type" that becomes an addict. Addiction is not limited to any socioeconomic class or race. We are as diverse as any other group. The thing we have in common is the susceptibility to addiction.

Alcohol is a toxic but socially-acceptable substance that is addictive to a subset of people. It does alleviate stress and its use in that context is actively promoted. Going on an occasional "bender" to relieve stress even seems like a normal thing to do. People who are constantly uptight are encouraged to 'have a drink and relax'.

So, it's not at all weird that we were exposed to alcohol and discovered over time that we were able to better handle some of life's stresses (and celebrate the good times) with a drink -- just like so many other people do. But with repeated exposure to this addictive substance, and with the genetic capacity to become addicted -- we did. We all chose to drink alcohol - but I can't imagine anyone chose to become addicted. And because when you're not doing anything that your peers aren't doing and that seems normal, you're generally addicted before you're aware that you're responding differently than other people and that it's a serious problem.

I spent a great deal of time blaming myself for having become addicted and trying to figure out why it happened - where I went wrong and what I should have done differently. I thought if I could figure out the reason, I could "fix it" and make sure it didn't happen again. I had a perverted jealousy of people who wrote about how they were abused as children or lost a spouse - as if their drinking were understandable and unlike me, "not their fault". I'd had some family illnesses and personal losses over the years, experienced the empty nest, suffered some job burn-out - all the typical stresses of life - but none of them seemed sufficient to have caused an addiction. And now I don't think they were. Nothing causes an addiction other than the addictive substance itself in a susceptible individual who has not developed sufficient tools to cope with normal and extreme stress or who upon alcohol exposure, at some level realizes how much more fully and quickly effective it is compared to exercise, meditation, religious practice, etc. And when something is legal and readily available, is encouraged and celebrated, is touted as actually being "good" for you, is considered "adult and sophisticated" and makes you feel good, why wouldn't you consume it?

So, we did. It made us feel good until it no longer did and then we found we couldn't stop. Maybe there was a window of opportunity in there when we could have recognized the developing problem before the addiction was in place but I think it was probably a very narrow window. I've almost forgiven myself for missing it.

The good news out of all of this is, though, is that by learning to handle stress in different ways, we can be free of the addiction. They take effort, time, and planning and they are not as fast-acting as our drug of choice but gratitude, exercise, meditation, service, intellectual development, hobbies, religion, etc. etc. can all offer great rewards and minimize the effects of stress. For me, removing the extreme stress of hunger and low blood sugar with food rather than alcohol was and is one of the main keys to sobriety. Food is not nearly as 'rewarding' as that first glass of wine on an empty stomach but it's my tool that prevents that needy part of my brain from demanding a drink. Yoga doesn't give the buzz that alcohol used to, but the feeling of full body relaxation is similar to that that used to come from a glass or 2 of wine.

These other forms of stress-management aren't as quick and easy as alcohol was before it lost its effectiveness for most of us but they can become enjoyable parts of life that make you resilient to the normal, and even the extreme, stresses that we all encounter. For any of us who made it to this website, the cost of what alcohol so readily provides has become much too high of a price to pay. And the good news is, we can all stop paying it.

[Byrdlady]

Reposted from Newbie's Nest:

Originally Posted by LilBit
OMG, I am SO over the Man Pout!! (Apologies to any gentlemen here who wouldn't dream of it.) Another fight with the fiancee, but this time, I am staying sober. I actually think the AL used to wear me down and make me cave in when he acted like an arse, but no more! He's not liking the stronger LilBit, though. It's a tough situation. Any thoughts?



My first thought is "I gotta be me!"

In my case, AL stripped away so much that I didn't even realize it at the time. It took all my confidence, I couldn't remember what I had said, so I had no conviction anymore. I always felt defeated and anxious. I didn't stand up for myself, I guess, because I didn't think I was worth it. All I cared about was being in a position to have my next drink-fest. Not a very pretty picture. Once life mattered again, the relationship with my hubs changed, too. I wasn't always apologizing anymore, or giving in because I felt guilty or couldn't remember. I stood up for myself, and that was a big change for me. This really is a period of growth, LilBit. My friend, Kuya, used to say that whatever age we got hooked on this stuff, our emotional maturity froze in time. I believe that. I had 30-cough,cough years of growing up to do. I believe that I am now all balanced out now, and have been for some time, but it was an adjustment to get here.
Maybe you are seeing the relationship thru a clearer set of eyes now? It may take some getting used to. Now that your AL isn't to blame, perhaps he doesn't like where the finger is pointing!!! (pun intended!!) Hugs to you....stand your ground, you are worth it. Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Reposted from Newbie's Nest:

Originally Posted by LilBit
OMG, I am SO over the Man Pout!! (Apologies to any gentlemen here who wouldn't dream of it.) Another fight with the fiancee, but this time, I am staying sober. I actually think the AL used to wear me down and make me cave in when he acted like an arse, but no more! He's not liking the stronger LilBit, though. It's a tough situation. Any thoughts?



My first thought is "I gotta be me!"

In my case, AL stripped away so much that I didn't even realize it at the time. It took all my confidence, I couldn't remember what I had said, so I had no conviction anymore. I always felt defeated and anxious. I didn't stand up for myself, I guess, because I didn't think I was worth it. All I cared about was being in a position to have my next drink-fest. Not a very pretty picture. Once life mattered again, the relationship with my hubs changed, too. I wasn't always apologizing anymore, or giving in because I felt guilty or couldn't remember. I stood up for myself, and that was a big change for me. This really is a period of growth, LilBit. My friend, Kuya, used to say that whatever age we got hooked on this stuff, our emotional maturity froze in time. I believe that. I had 30-cough,cough years of growing up to do. I believe that I am now all balanced out now, and have been for some time, but it was an adjustment to get here.
Maybe you are seeing the relationship thru a clearer set of eyes now? It may take some getting used to. Now that your AL isn't to blame, perhaps he doesn't like where the finger is pointing!!! (pun intended!!) Hugs to you....stand your ground, you are worth it. Byrdie

[jane27]

Came across this piece on /www.hellosundaymorning.org.

https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/g...r-a-rumination

One year sober: a rumination

One year, 12 months, 52 (and a bit) weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours…

When I stopped drinking 12 months ago, it was following so many failed attempts to quit that I had lost count. Sometimes I would last a couple of days, sometime a week or so… sometimes I would just stagger from day to day drinking. I kept saying to myself: ‘Today is Day One’. Sadly there were too many Day Ones. I thought it might help just to write down some of the things that I have learned in the hope that they might help people.
So here goes…

1. Quitting IS worth it.
It’s vital to start with this one because when you are sat there sweating, really wanting a drink, on your first or second day, thinking that you are never going to make it, you need to know that it is going to be worth it all in the end. Believe me, it is.

2. But it’s not easy.
This may seem like stating the obvious, but actually some people seem to be really surprised by how difficult it is. They think ‘how hard can it be to stop drinking, I don’t really have that much of a problem’ – and then they find out how hard it can be. Quitting drinking when you have an issue with booze is not easy, but (point 1) it’s worth it.

3. There is a hump you get over.
This is the point at which it does become easier. It might happen at one month, it might happen at six, but there is a point when it becomes easier. All of a sudden you will find yourself at home of an evening/or out at a party and you won’t be drinking and you won’t WANT to drink.

4. You’ve got to WANT to quit.
‘Thinking’ that you need to stop is not enough. Knowing that you have a problem and believing that you ‘should’ cut down is also not enough. You have to WANT to stop – because if you don’t, you won’t, or at the very least you will struggle like hell.

5. Give yourself a reason to quit and remind yourself of it all the time.
Once you know why you want to stop, then remind yourself of this every day. It could be because you want a better relationship with your partner or you want to stop letting your children down, it may be that you want a better job. Find some way of reminding yourself of this every day – put pictures of family everywhere, for instance.

6. Stop fucking whining and making excuses.
It’s so easy to blame other people, other circumstances for our drinking – I used to blame the really long and stressful hours that I worked. But that is bollocks. Lots of people work long hours and don’t feel the need to get pissed. I still work really long hours now, but I don’t feel the need to drink.
Blaming circumstances gives you an excuse, a reason to drink. But that is all it is… an excuse.

7. Drinking is a choice
I guess these two go hand in hand. Unlike AA, which claims that you are powerless over alcohol – I don’t subscribe to that theory. I believe that I have ALL the power when it comes to alcohol, I just have to choose to use it, to have the power to choose NOT to drink. (This is not to put down the work that AA does, and the thousands of people it has helped – this is just what I believe and what helped me stop.)

It’s another cliché, but no one is sitting there pouring grog don’t your throat, you choose to go to the shop/pub, to buy the booze, to sit and drink it, and drink it, and drink it. You have to reclaim your power and choose NOT to drink. It’s not an easy choice, but it IS a choice.

8. HSM is brilliant…
I only started on HSM when I was already four months sober, so I think I had got over the ‘hump’ already and what I wanted was to help other people where I could. For those starting out on their journey, HSM is a great place to hear other people’s stories, find out how they coped with quitting and the struggles they had, so that they can learn to deal with their own issues. It’s also a great place to get support.

9. But HSM might not be enough on its own
For many people, simply coming and pouring out your heart on a blog to people who don’t know you and aren’t going to be critical is a good start, but it may well not be enough. If you find you are constantly slipping/are really struggling, then you probably need to find out why you are drinking, you need to look at the bigger picture. That means getting help from somewhere else, to complement HSM.

10. Get help
So this is reiterating point 9 – but it’s worth reiterating it – GET HELP. Even if you try four or five different groups, treatments etc, find what works for you – and don’t be put off or disheartened if something doesn’t work. I am a massive advocate of alcohol counselling – I doubt I would have been able to stop without it. Try to find out if there are local services that can help you – some may be free, others you may have to pay for – but consider it an investment in yourself (and it can be offset by the money you aren’t spending on booze). Try AA if it works for you. But DO get help.

11. Tell everyone
OK, this might not work for everybody, but I’m fortunate in that my family and friends were really supportive. By telling everyone that I was stopping drinking, there was no awkwardness at parties, dinners, going out etc. This can also have an added bonus – by being really open about your sobriety, you sometimes find that other people start to address THEIR drinking. By being open with my quitting, a colleague was prompted to address their drinking and is now 10 months sober.

I know that some people’s circumstances are such that they will get grief or aggro for stopping. But my view is that if people do that, then it’s likely they have a drink problem of their own to address. Telling people is a bit like ‘coming out’ – it can be difficult, but it can be very liberating.

12. Be selfish
When you are starting out on this road to sobriety, you need to be selfish. If you are invited to a party or an event and you know that people will be drinking, if you feel that you aren’t going to be able to handle it, then DON’T GO. It’s that simple. If you have told your friends you aren’t drinking then hopefully they will understand if you have to blow them out. The first few weeks are the hardest and you have to think about you and only you – even if that means pissing a partner/husband/wife off.

13. Your shit doesn’t go away
This is the one that disappoints most people – just because you stop drinking doesn’t mean your life is suddenly going to be rosy. If your drinking was causing certain things to happen, then the chances are that those things will go away. However, the stuff that might have been ‘making’ you drink is still going to be there – the difficult/abusive relationship, the bastard line manager, the family from hell etc etc. They are still going to be there, giving you shit. But by not drinking you will be able to DEAL with that shit now, you will be able to make positive changes to your life that will sort that out – thus creating a ‘virtuous circle’.

These things take time to work through, but when you are sober/not hungover, you can work through them.

14. Watch out for substituting behaviour
OK, so stuffing your face with chocolate is not as bad as drinking a litre of vodka and crashing your car, but be very aware of replacing alcohol with something else. You’ve had a shitty day, you can’t have a drink, so you eat a whole tub of ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been there. Even now there are times, after a long day, that I will stuff my face with cheese and crackers or a bag of M&Ms. Or both. Be aware of this and make sure that you don’t end up doing it every day. Because it can lead back to booze.

15. Don’t get complacent
Once you get over the ‘hump’ you will think you have cracked it. Yay! You’re no longer a drinker. Think again. Drink can still creep up on you at the most unexpected moments. You then have to apply everything you have learned, your own coping mechanisms to resist. Sometimes, the urge may last for seconds, some times it can be longer. This doesn’t mean you have to walk around worrying about getting caught out, just accept that you may feel the urge to drink – but also know that you have the weapons to not give in.

You CAN do it
Being sober is amazing. I have learned so much in the last 12 months and am probably more self-aware than I have ever been. Does this mean I am at my happiest. Well… no it doesn’t. But I am definitely well on the way – I’ve identified the changes that I need to make and I am making them.

When you feel at your lowest and want to let alcohol take control, hang on to the time you have been sober, don’t throw away all your hard work, and most of all remind yourself of why you WANT this so much.

And finally…
People have asked what comes next. Right now, sobriety is a choice for life. I quit once before and thought I could ease back into drinking, and look where I ended up. Of course, I don’t know where life is going to take me, and that may change. But for now, the next goal is 24 months.

[jane27]

Came across this piece on /www.hellosundaymorning.org.

Hello Sunday Morning

One year sober: a rumination

One year, 12 months, 52 (and a bit) weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours…

When I stopped drinking 12 months ago, it was following so many failed attempts to quit that I had lost count. Sometimes I would last a couple of days, sometime a week or so… sometimes I would just stagger from day to day drinking. I kept saying to myself: ‘Today is Day One’. Sadly there were too many Day Ones. I thought it might help just to write down some of the things that I have learned in the hope that they might help people.
So here goes…

1. Quitting IS worth it.
It’s vital to start with this one because when you are sat there sweating, really wanting a drink, on your first or second day, thinking that you are never going to make it, you need to know that it is going to be worth it all in the end. Believe me, it is.

2. But it’s not easy.
This may seem like stating the obvious, but actually some people seem to be really surprised by how difficult it is. They think ‘how hard can it be to stop drinking, I don’t really have that much of a problem’ – and then they find out how hard it can be. Quitting drinking when you have an issue with booze is not easy, but (point 1) it’s worth it.

3. There is a hump you get over.
This is the point at which it does become easier. It might happen at one month, it might happen at six, but there is a point when it becomes easier. All of a sudden you will find yourself at home of an evening/or out at a party and you won’t be drinking and you won’t WANT to drink.

4. You’ve got to WANT to quit.
‘Thinking’ that you need to stop is not enough. Knowing that you have a problem and believing that you ‘should’ cut down is also not enough. You have to WANT to stop – because if you don’t, you won’t, or at the very least you will struggle like hell.

5. Give yourself a reason to quit and remind yourself of it all the time.
Once you know why you want to stop, then remind yourself of this every day. It could be because you want a better relationship with your partner or you want to stop letting your children down, it may be that you want a better job. Find some way of reminding yourself of this every day – put pictures of family everywhere, for instance.

6. Stop fucking whining and making excuses.
It’s so easy to blame other people, other circumstances for our drinking – I used to blame the really long and stressful hours that I worked. But that is bollocks. Lots of people work long hours and don’t feel the need to get pissed. I still work really long hours now, but I don’t feel the need to drink.
Blaming circumstances gives you an excuse, a reason to drink. But that is all it is… an excuse.

7. Drinking is a choice
I guess these two go hand in hand. Unlike AA, which claims that you are powerless over alcohol – I don’t subscribe to that theory. I believe that I have ALL the power when it comes to alcohol, I just have to choose to use it, to have the power to choose NOT to drink. (This is not to put down the work that AA does, and the thousands of people it has helped – this is just what I believe and what helped me stop.)

It’s another cliché, but no one is sitting there pouring grog don’t your throat, you choose to go to the shop/pub, to buy the booze, to sit and drink it, and drink it, and drink it. You have to reclaim your power and choose NOT to drink. It’s not an easy choice, but it IS a choice.

8. HSM is brilliant…
I only started on HSM when I was already four months sober, so I think I had got over the ‘hump’ already and what I wanted was to help other people where I could. For those starting out on their journey, HSM is a great place to hear other people’s stories, find out how they coped with quitting and the struggles they had, so that they can learn to deal with their own issues. It’s also a great place to get support.

9. But HSM might not be enough on its own
For many people, simply coming and pouring out your heart on a blog to people who don’t know you and aren’t going to be critical is a good start, but it may well not be enough. If you find you are constantly slipping/are really struggling, then you probably need to find out why you are drinking, you need to look at the bigger picture. That means getting help from somewhere else, to complement HSM.

10. Get help
So this is reiterating point 9 – but it’s worth reiterating it – GET HELP. Even if you try four or five different groups, treatments etc, find what works for you – and don’t be put off or disheartened if something doesn’t work. I am a massive advocate of alcohol counselling – I doubt I would have been able to stop without it. Try to find out if there are local services that can help you – some may be free, others you may have to pay for – but consider it an investment in yourself (and it can be offset by the money you aren’t spending on booze). Try AA if it works for you. But DO get help.

11. Tell everyone
OK, this might not work for everybody, but I’m fortunate in that my family and friends were really supportive. By telling everyone that I was stopping drinking, there was no awkwardness at parties, dinners, going out etc. This can also have an added bonus – by being really open about your sobriety, you sometimes find that other people start to address THEIR drinking. By being open with my quitting, a colleague was prompted to address their drinking and is now 10 months sober.

I know that some people’s circumstances are such that they will get grief or aggro for stopping. But my view is that if people do that, then it’s likely they have a drink problem of their own to address. Telling people is a bit like ‘coming out’ – it can be difficult, but it can be very liberating.

12. Be selfish
When you are starting out on this road to sobriety, you need to be selfish. If you are invited to a party or an event and you know that people will be drinking, if you feel that you aren’t going to be able to handle it, then DON’T GO. It’s that simple. If you have told your friends you aren’t drinking then hopefully they will understand if you have to blow them out. The first few weeks are the hardest and you have to think about you and only you – even if that means pissing a partner/husband/wife off.

13. Your shit doesn’t go away
This is the one that disappoints most people – just because you stop drinking doesn’t mean your life is suddenly going to be rosy. If your drinking was causing certain things to happen, then the chances are that those things will go away. However, the stuff that might have been ‘making’ you drink is still going to be there – the difficult/abusive relationship, the bastard line manager, the family from hell etc etc. They are still going to be there, giving you shit. But by not drinking you will be able to DEAL with that shit now, you will be able to make positive changes to your life that will sort that out – thus creating a ‘virtuous circle’.

These things take time to work through, but when you are sober/not hungover, you can work through them.

14. Watch out for substituting behaviour
OK, so stuffing your face with chocolate is not as bad as drinking a litre of vodka and crashing your car, but be very aware of replacing alcohol with something else. You’ve had a shitty day, you can’t have a drink, so you eat a whole tub of ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been there. Even now there are times, after a long day, that I will stuff my face with cheese and crackers or a bag of M&Ms. Or both. Be aware of this and make sure that you don’t end up doing it every day. Because it can lead back to booze.

15. Don’t get complacent
Once you get over the ‘hump’ you will think you have cracked it. Yay! You’re no longer a drinker. Think again. Drink can still creep up on you at the most unexpected moments. You then have to apply everything you have learned, your own coping mechanisms to resist. Sometimes, the urge may last for seconds, some times it can be longer. This doesn’t mean you have to walk around worrying about getting caught out, just accept that you may feel the urge to drink – but also know that you have the weapons to not give in.

You CAN do it
Being sober is amazing. I have learned so much in the last 12 months and am probably more self-aware than I have ever been. Does this mean I am at my happiest. Well… no it doesn’t. But I am definitely well on the way – I’ve identified the changes that I need to make and I am making them.

When you feel at your lowest and want to let alcohol take control, hang on to the time you have been sober, don’t throw away all your hard work, and most of all remind yourself of why you WANT this so much.

And finally…
People have asked what comes next. Right now, sobriety is a choice for life. I quit once before and thought I could ease back into drinking, and look where I ended up. Of course, I don’t know where life is going to take me, and that may change. But for now, the next goal is 24 months.

[abcowboy]

I posted this in the Nest and was asked to make sure it got to the Toolbox, just one drunk helping another drunk stay sober..

Hello everyone! There’s been some talk on other threads as to why MWO seems to slow down from time to time. People are busy, have become complacent, have found another source of support, need face to face, or have become comfortable and firm in their sobriety. There could be many reasons other than relapse, although I fear relapse is a big contributor. For me, like the other old timers, when I feel comfortable and firm in my quit, then it’s time to give back, to help others enjoy the freedom that I feel.

I am not an addiction counselor, nor am I trained in any way to advise people how to beat their addiction. I am a fellow alcohol addict who woke on another Day One and decided I needed more than AA, so I began to look on the internet for more information about my situation. That search led me to MWO, where I have been an active participant for most of the past 3/4 year. I have been sober for most of that time, but not all of it. I have noticed a recurring pattern in my sober spells. I begin with very high resolve to beat this addiction, but over time that resolve declines, finding more reasons and excuses, leading inevitably to more drinking. I have noticed a similar pattern expressed by some other members who want to stay stopped, but who do not find it easy.

There are many members of the forum who have long term sobriety. I put them in two categories. The first is the group whose drinking led them to great personal tragedy; jail time, children taken away, loss of family, injured someone while drunk, injured themselves while drunk, lost job and living on streets, etc. Those people experienced a life altering event that filled them with unshakable resolve to remain sober. The second is the group who stopped their drinking before their personal lives came to tragedy. They realized their drinking was a problem, the negative consequences were piling up, so they stopped and stayed stopped. I want to be in that second group. I am terrified of ending up in that first group.

We both wake up on Day One overcome by the negative consequences of our drinking and highly resolved to quit this behavior and remain sober. We continue on this path for a while, let’s call it Path A, but at some point a change in direction comes. It might be a few days or a few weeks, but as sure as the sun rises, that change will come. The resolve to remain sober declines, ultimately leading to relapse. Judging from some of the posts I see, I was not alone in this pattern.
Yet for some, they experience a change in direction that actually elevates their resolve to remain sober. They do not drink again. Their path, let’s call it Path B, leads to happily ever after - or at least soberly ever after. Either way, it is the path I am now on.

So, ask yourself, "What makes the difference between traveling on Path A or Path B?" Here is my opinion. It is the CHOICES and ACTIONS before one hits that fork in the road that will have the greatest influence on which path is travelled. The path you choose is your decision and yours alone, no one can make it for you.

I am seeing a counsellor, and I believe it is going well. She is providing me with tools and strategies to maintain my resolve. I have a renewed faith in God and pray daily. So far it is working for me. There are other strategies working for members of that pre-tragedy group of recovering alcoholics. AA, AVRT, SMART, MWO, etc. I haven't tried all of them, only MWO and AA, and still borrow from AA as needed. Whatever works to keep me to Path B this time is what I’m sticking with! But one thing is for sure, I can’t do it alone. That is why I pray daily, I read and post on MWO daily, and I see my counsellor once a month. As Robert said about black boxes, if it isn’t broke, why fix it!