Bf brought his family into this

[christyacc]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;455475 wrote: Then who is the problem with?

If you're going to say me, I know that. But I'm still upset about being treated like this. But I guess I deserve it.

No you don't deserve it. We don't choose to have this happen to us. It just does. It doesn't mean we are weak, we aren't. It just is us, and we have to deal with it. Those of us who love us, will deal with it as well, but essentially it is us.

Too be honest, I would be PISSED at my bf if he did that. This is you, he needs to respect that. However, what's done is done, and you have to move on. Try not to worry about it, I know it's easier said than done, but try. You need to take care of YOU!

You have the tools! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! :l I am on Day 15 going on 16, and if I can do it, hell, anyone can!!!!! lol.....

Christy

[Waiting for his way out]

Bf brought his family into this

Chiizus,
Unfortunately some form of "betrayal" is to be expected when such event occur. My husband would tell his family terrible things about me while he was drinking, they thought whatever was happening was my fault because he never told them it was brought on by his alcohol abuse. I finally decided I did not care about what they knew or thought to be the problem.
I care about him and about me and focused on getting US better. Now that we are lucky to cross his 30days AF, his family and their thinking (whatever that may be) is not important to me or to him. I really no longer care, at all, what they have to say or think. I even put behind me the desire to set the record straight... it just opens up the past again instead of the future.
I agree with others, stay away from your in-laws, think about you and how to patch things up with your BF if you love him and if he to be part of your life.
Good luck.

[seila1]

Bf brought his family into this

Chiizus,

I feel so badly that your confidence has been shaken and that you've been betrayed by by someone you cared about. I struggle constantly with not wanting people to know about my private conflicts. It sounds like your assessment is correct and that no matter your "flaws" she would not be happy with you anyway. So, take heart that your not the problem here, she was looking for your weak spot and found it. I think that people who have their own internal struggles can sometime try to bolster themselves by finding fault with someone else. I always make myself feel better by saying, I may have alcohol issues but I am a good, caring, supportive person and in honesty an alcohol problem is better than being a chronic asshole.
What you need right now is to distance yourself from their perceptions. I can only imagine that this is having the exact opposite effect. No matter what you do , drink, don't drink, there will always be that spotlight on you. So, screw them and out shine that spotlight. What has been one of my issues is my lack of confidence in general. Alcohol was my boost of confidence, sometimes my party personality, sometimes my escape from not feeling good enough. I am learning and that loving myself is first and foremost to making any progress. When you love yourself you tend not to care so much what people think. Stand tall, be strong. You are not a bad, evil, flawed or horrible person. You aren't perfect and never will be. Focus on caring for yourself and then cross the other bridges with your boyfriend and his family. We are here for you! Hang in there!

[noma'am]

Bf brought his family into this

My husband did the same thing to me. I discovered that not only was I "outed" but he also called members of my family and accused them of being alcoholics. No one said anything to me about this until my brother let it slip the other day. I started asking around and was horrified by what has been going on behind my back. I am devistated and so embarrased. I quit drinking 40 days ago. Do you think he contacted everyone to let them know that I'm doing great and quit all by myself without asking for help from anyone? Of course not. Now it's just a waiting game to see when I'm going to fail. I'm an alcoholic after all and nothing else. The only thing a person like me can be successful at is failing. Makes me want to pull my hair out!

[thirdsister]

Bf brought his family into this

From an 'outsider' point of view...

I disagree that he *shouldn't* be speaking to anyone else about this besides you. The fact is that AL isn't a private matter - it absolutely affects the people around you. Your BF shouldn't be required to suffer in silence just because you are embarrssed.

That being said...it was incredibly stupid on his part to confide in his parents. Of course they will be judgemental - they are in no way inpartial to what and who he has in his life. They will always be protective, just like the two of you are over your dogs/babies.

But I agree with the others...what's done is done. You both made bad decisions and just like you don't want to have your faults rubbed in your face and held against you for all time...neither does he. You broke his trust by driving while under the influence and he broke your trust by telling his parents. It's time to move on.

Just like it would be unfair to ask you to stop drinking cold turkey, without any supps, books, meetings, support, etc...it's not exactly fair to ask him to deal with this alone. And while you may say he can talk to you...that's probably not the best for either of you because he won't be able to freely speak because he may say something you find hurtful. Why don't you introduce him to this site? Or maybe look up some Al-Anon meetings for him to attend? This way he can express his concerns in a venue that protects and is supportive for both of you.

I really hope you are able to forgive each other.

P.S. While I don't know his Mom...I made the mistake years ago of revealing some very damaging information about my boyfriend to my parents. For awhile my Mom was very weird around him and, in her own way, made it clear that she didn't feel he was right for me. It definitely took time (and me learning to keep our relationship issues to myself or trusted friends), but now they get along quite well and we are engaged so there is hope.

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

thirdsister;456004 wrote: Just like it would be unfair to ask you to stop drinking cold turkey, without any supps, books, meetings, support, etc.

Funny you should put it that way. That's essentially what he asked me to do at first. One more drink and I was history. I had to find MWO by myself. I'd tried AA before and it made me miserable, and also seemed to very much be a one-size-fits-all solution. I felt terribly out of place there. He really truly can't understand why I can't just say "OK, I'm gonna quit drinking" and be done with it. He's criticized me so many times about my lack of willpower. He has no idea what it's like to have try to have that kind of willpower.

[hart]

Bf brought his family into this

(((((chiizus))))

I feel for you hon. When my then fiance now hubby broke up for a while, I told my dad and stepmom some bad things about Joe. So, of course, Joe and I end up marrying. To this day, my dad will not have Joe in his house. My stepmother and her daughter came to our wedding, but not my dad.

I hope if you do end up marrying your boyfriend that your relationship w/his mother will change. But don't count on it. Some people are not forgiving.

I'm sorry hon. :l

[gettingthere]

Bf brought his family into this

Hi Chiizus,

My husband 'outed' me several months ago. I was furious!!! He knows how I feel about people knowing of my drinking problem. I have a niece who has been struggling with alcohol and drugs and one day my husband was talking to her about her problems and thought she might feel better if he told her about me. I am adopted as was her mother so there is no 'alcoholic gene' that we are sharing. I think he just wanted to sound like he was some expert or something having had to deal with me. He has no clue! And as Starlight Impress said "no one will ever understand us the way our fellow alcoholics can" . I have no idea if my neice has shared this info with anyone yet. We live hours away from her and don't see her very often. I just know somehow, someday, it will come up. I really sympathize with you situation. I think I would stear clear from your bf's mom as much as possible. She sounds like a controlling, close-minded woman. You are above that!!

Come visit us whenever you get down. MWO is a great friend!:huggy

[thirdsister]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;456014 wrote: Funny you should put it that way. That's essentially what he asked me to do at first. One more drink and I was history. I had to find MWO by myself. I'd tried AA before and it made me miserable, and also seemed to very much be a one-size-fits-all solution. I felt terribly out of place there. He really truly can't understand why I can't just say "OK, I'm gonna quit drinking" and be done with it. He's criticized me so many times about my lack of willpower. He has no idea what it's like to have try to have that kind of willpower.

Chiizus,

Those of us without an alcohol problem use ultimatums because we are scared of losing those we love. We, foolishly perhaps, believe that if our loved one is faced with losing us or being out on the street, that should be enough motivation to stop drinking. As you all know, those of us who don't struggle with alcohol really don't and can't fully understand what you are going through.

Sounds like he is either a jerk OR he is lashing out because he feels helpless. Guys usually are into solving problems, and as quickly as possible. I would guess he is feeling helpless and angry because he can't 'solve' this problem for you. He's probably also frustrated at how long it is taking you to maintain an AF or mod lifestyle. Because he doesn't have a problem with AL, he has no clue that this isn't a click your heels three times and you wake up from your nightmare sort of problem. What you are going through will take more determination than he realizes.

I highly recommend having him take a look at a site like this. My sister told me about MWO and it has really helped me to relax and look past her 'addiction' Reading the posts and talking with the people on this site has given me great insight and is a constant reminder that as much as I'm hurting for her - it's NOTHING compared to what she is going through. It also is a great reminder that she is first and foremost a PERSON and my SISTER. It is very easy for us 'outsiders' to become addicted to our loved ones' addicitions. We want to feel some sense of control, so we become 'experts' and try to give advice and are wounded and take it personally when our advice isn't heeded. But honestly...just take away from it that WE LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU...but we have a really screwed up way of showing it because we just don't get it...so you can ignore everything else

I really hope he wakes up and realizes that the best way to support you is to just be normal with you. Love you, support you, be honest and compassionate. All his negative emotions need to be vented somewhere else (Al-Anon or MWO family forum or a different website).

(sorry so long)

[Lila]

Bf brought his family into this

I think you have a very valuable perspective, TS. I can imagine he did need someone to talk to, and he has been affected as well. Maybe if he knew you were working a program, but to tell him about this site is to compromise your privacy, which of course he already did a bit...
Chiizus, everyone has a secret. Even the mom, I will bet. Or her husband. Something. So don't feel so embarrassed, like you are somehow different or whatever.
have to run, but just don;t be so down on yourself, please!
Lila

[nancy]

Bf brought his family into this

Hi again

I think what Third Sister has to say is very interesting.

Also, some on the outside sometimes think they can fix your problem by insulting you and making you feel like sh**.

Don't know why that is, but it is true. Someone tried this with me and I was devastated. Someone else was so much kinder and said, look you have a problem you have to deal with. Given my low self-esteem at the time, the second way was so much better. The second person let me know love was still there. The first person was controlling and horrible, and really counter-productive.

Having said all this, everything we do affects other people. And if you are living with someone, you take the responsibility that what you do affects your bf too. So you lose privacy but have intimacy, which is something some people on this site don't have.

It isn't just your bf parents who will be like this. It's work colleagues, society in general. Drinking too much is not tolerated in a lot of cultures, though granted in some it is encouraged. At best, people will be talking about you with compassion, in terms of how they can help you, what to do about the problem. At worst, they will gossip about your most embarassing moments, having fun.

But you can find some comfort in yourself and here, and maybe AA. It's a problem for sure, but not insurmountable. And healing starts with supporting yourself.

I really believe there is a gender gap with alcohol issues and this place is FANTASTIC for women.

[lil.michelle]

Bf brought his family into this

Hey hun!

I'm sooo sorry this has happenend to you. This is sooooo not fair for you and you're boyfriend really stepped over the mark by doing this. I REALLY am sooo sorry. I wish i could give you a BIG HUG right now but all i can do is this.....:l

If i was you i'd write an email or a letter to them, STATING that you are a PROBEM drinking and nothing more. Explain why you feel this and explain how you're trying to sort your life out and how you need support and not to be judged. DO not be rude. Then by doing this, you're written the basics and explained yourself (not that you should have to) and move on, look after yourself and forget about them.

Sorry can't be much help on the matter but that is what i would have done. INFACT, that is what i done when my husband brought my parent into my drinking situation.

We're all here for you! PM me if you want to talk!

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

I'm hesitant to write a letter like you suggested because it seems that defending myself would be viewed as denial. I think it'll make them think me a full-blown alcoholic all the more. "Oh look! Denial! That's a symptom of alcoholism!"

On a weird random note, his mother email me last night (just me personally) to tell me that she hadn't mentioned to me but her sister has brain cancer and she had been sending updates to the family and was adding me to the list that she's sending updates to. It's weird because this has been going on for a long time, long before she found out about my alcohol problem. So it's not like she was excluding me because of that. I'm assuming it was just something they wanted to keep in the family. It's also weird to me that she'd email me and announce that she was adding me to who she updated. In the past, she's copied me on all kinds of random group emails about people I don't know or random things I have no interest in.

I'm guessing either she's trying to show something...??? or she's fishing to stay in contact with me (I think perhaps she thinks she can somehow help me). She may have noticed that I blocked her on all of my instant messenger services, which are always online, so it would be obvious if she bothered to look.

I've told bf about the book and even sent him a copy of the PDF to read (which he hasn't yet), and told him about all the supplements, meds, etc. He could easily find me on this forum if he wanted, but I didn't go out of my way to tell him I'm posting here or mention that he might want to look into posting here. I'd rather keep this as my own little haven. The last thing I need is him reading and analyzing and judging everything I write here.

PS- My Topamax finally came in the mail. I am getting a pill box and pill cutter this weekend and am setting my "official" start date for the six week detox plan/thing for Monday. I've already been taking L-Glut and Kudzu and AllOne that I got from a drug store, but I'm excited to finally have everything I need to *really* start the program.

[rubywillow]

Bf brought his family into this

The best revenge is success. Don't worry so much about how others see you. Look at yourself thru your eyes, and be well.

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

Jeez. Got an email with a PDF of an article about depression today from bf's mom. Copied to both me and bf saying she felt that it explained better what she was saying about having something to keep you busy when depressed (obviously this was something she was talking to bf about and not me). I emailed bf and told him this made me very uncomfortable and he said that he isn't asking her to do this and that he doesn't like it either. He said he'd email her and ask her to please stop. I told him I didn't want to make her feel bad... I'm just very uncomfortable with her analyzing all of my problems considering that these aren't even things I talk about with my *own* parents. I wanted to respond to his comment about how he doesn't like it either with "Yeah? Well you shouldn't have TOLD HER about MY personal issues!" but didn't. Too late now. But I'm still very angry about it.

That being said, on day 3 of Topamax and am having numerous side effects just at 25mg: drowsiness, some dizziness, soda tastes awful (soda is my lifeline in terms of avoiding alcohol :upset, and I may be imagining it, but I think I'm having some cognitive issues as well. Jeez. This is not looking good for me staying on the Topamax. :bang: