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    #1

    Bf brought his family into this

    Bf decided to discuss all of my issues with his parents against my wishes. Now his mother has been... less than nice... to me. She's of the opinion that "an alcoholic is an alcoholic" and when we talked online, just kept asking me if I'd been drinking that day and telling me that I'm a full-blown alcoholic even though she barely knows me, only knows about one problem situation involving me and alcohol, and I would actually classify myself as a "problem drinker". She criticized bf for splitting a glass of wine with me when they were visiting, even before any of this really got bad and before she knew about anything. And when I stopped talking to her for what I thought were obvious reasons, she freaked out and said she was scared and told me I was "teetering on the edge". :what?:

    I was very upset when bf told me he told his parents about my bad incident b/c I worried that they'd be judgmental. He insisted that they would not, but he was wrong.

    Now I'm miserable and I hate my life and there are even more people judging me... doesn't anyone understand that this is *not* what I need right now? No one seems to acknowledge that I'm trying to fix this. :upset:

    I really wanted this very personal problem to stay somewhat private for now.
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    #2
    Bf brought his family into this

    "outing" yourself is a very personal choice. Your Bf should have NEVER disrespected you in this manner. If he needed someone to confide in, why not a buddy? Of course his parents are going to be concerned. I am a parent and abuse alcohol but if my child were dating a problem drinker I would be concerned...as would any parent. I dont think the issue is his parents as much as he totally disregarded your request. It is very hard to heal and move forward living under a microscope which is how you must feel now.
    Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

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      #3
      Bf brought his family into this

      If he needed someone to confide in, why not a buddy?

      Because he has no friends. And I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just plain true.

      Comment

        #4
        Bf brought his family into this

        Hi Chiizus, Unfortunately - What is done is done. Not nice of your BF to out you. Don't know if I would call that a BF. But If this sight has taught me in the 19 days since I joined (and AF for the 19 days) that we can only go forward and not look back. I hit rock bottom 20 days ago, after years of closet drinking. And I did some really bad things, but I have my head hung high, proving to myself first and foremost and my family 2nd that I am not powerless - the AL will not win. So what you have to do is figure out is have You hit rock bottom, do you want to quit drinking? If you decide that you want to quit - MWO is here for you. Oh, the first few days wont be a piece of cake, but the days only get better. Read the book, and do the supplements. And visit this site OFTEN. We are here for you- I could not of done it wihout everyones encouragement! Go to the chat room. Take is one hour at a time, and if that doesnt work, take the day in 15 minute increments, and if you have to go further , take in a minute at a time. Read other threads, YOU CAN DO IT!
        DLW
        Sobriety since October 2008 ( with a few bumps in the road ) - but I am still here, strong and fighting every day for my sobriety!
        And every day is a challenge - But I am WINNING so far!



        • Yesterday is History
          Today is a Mystery
          Tomorrow is a GIFT

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          #5
          Bf brought his family into this

          I have an earlier thread on here... I already have the supplements and one sample CD and am waiting for my Topamax to come in. Based on what I read in the book, I believe myself to be an early to mid-stage alcoholic, so I'm hoping that in time, I can moderate. It upsets me greatly that my bf's mom is of the opinion that if you overdo it even occasionally, you are a full-blown alcoholic and there is no hope except for complete abstinence. And I didn't even tell her about this program. All she knows is that I'm not drinking now. But she made it clear in no uncertain terms that she thinks I'll never be "fixed" or "normal". My father was and is a full-blown alcoholic, so I can't help but beg to differ on this. I'm nothing like him.

          Though like I said, I did not discuss this program or my goals with her. It just hurts me to hear someone who only knows about a single bad decision I made while drinking go off and call me a full-blown alcoholic and "teetering on the edge". She also questions my mental condition.

          I KNEW as soon as bf admitted to me that he told his parents about what happened that this was going to ruin any chance of a normal relationship with them. Up until now, they liked me. But given his mom's demeanor, I suspect that even if I went AF for the rest of my life, she would disapprove of me being with her son or marrying him, if that should ever happen. And even worse if I end up moderating and she finds out about that.

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            #6
            Bf brought his family into this

            I wish they all realized
            that the things they say
            just make me want to give in.
            Give up.

            They say they understand.
            They say they want to help.

            But what they're doing...
            Is exactly the opposite.

            So I wither and die.

            Comment

              #7
              Bf brought his family into this

              Now I'm miserable and I hate my life and there are even more people judging me... doesn't anyone understand that this is *not* what I need right now?

              There's nothing worse for sapping your strength than being further demonized for your actions I think. All's I ever needed was to feel normal and that whatever problems I faced concerning my drinking issues could be dealt with without the fear of being ridiculed or continuously labeled a bad person by those closest to me. Admittedly I take things to heart and I need to feel I'm not a bad person in other people's eyes. Maybe a bit troubled YES!!. Here's a little quote I heard recently that meant a lot to me "It's like life....Once you're allowed to screw up, you don't screw up." As soon as my family and close friends stopped looking at me like the alcoholic brother, son, uncle etc and I was allowed to feel free of the 'demons' imposed on me things got 100 times better in my life. This happened only recently as well.

              So I can imagine how hard it must be for you right now Chii. Chin up my friend and try not to let one person's judgment of you take precedence over what it is YOU want to achieve.

              Love and Happiness
              Hippie
              xx
              "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
              Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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                #8
                Bf brought his family into this

                It's not just one person.

                Thank you for your words.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Bf brought his family into this

                  Noone will ever understand us the way our fellow alcoholics can.........FACT OF LIFE.

                  Star x
                  Formerly known as Starlight Impress.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Bf brought his family into this

                    This does sound very upsetting, I'm not surprised you feel miserable thinking about it.

                    It was not of your doing though. What your boyfriend did & how his mother reacted were all out of your hands. What I hope you can focus on now is how to handle this best so that you keep your focus on YOU not THEM. Sounds easy I know.

                    It was gracious of you to speak with her at all, & probably very sensible to end the conversation when you did. Could you maybe re-assert your position by deciding who you will & won't discuss this issue with from now on? If someone asks you're quite entitled to say "I'd rather not discuss that right now".

                    If you can, use your indignation to make you more powerful not less so. Rise above it & move on. And if no-one else is acknowleding your efforts, come here & we'll lavish you with praise & encouragement! Good luck & stay close
                    :sun:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Bf brought his family into this

                      For now, for my own benefit, I've blocked her on all of my messaging services. We almost never talk on the phone unless bf is on the phone with her, in which case I can opt out. But it still makes me sad. His parents really thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to their only son and now I've gone and proven them (and him) wrong.

                      I fear that in time, these wonderful online friends might be all I have left. It seems that everyone in real life has very little patience.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Bf brought his family into this

                        Do you guys think it would make any difference if I explained to his mother about this program and sent her a copy of the book to read? Or would that just make things worse? As I said, she's clearly of the opinion that "an alcoholic is an alcoholic".

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                          #13
                          Bf brought his family into this

                          Chiizus, IMO the problem is not with the mother. Just keep cool for now. To send her stuff is only to add fuel to the fire.

                          This is the time to get better. It took me three months to get past Day 10. You don't want the family peanut gallery commenting on every up or down of what is going to be a long and tough process. Use this forum, as we've all been there, and know what is involved.

                          As you get yourself on solid ground, what to do with the BF and his Mom will probably become clear.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Bf brought his family into this

                            Then who is the problem with?

                            If you're going to say me, I know that. But I'm still upset about being treated like this. But I guess I deserve it.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Bf brought his family into this

                              Hi there

                              First, can you give us an idea of what you did while drunk so we can help judge whether the reaction is extreme?

                              And does your bf's mom have a family history of alcoholism? She might be reacting based on her own experience. Sounds like her reaction is very intense, so it's either her own personal issue or maybe you did something extreme in a blackout. Even if it was one time it's a big warning sign.

                              What I read in your posts is that you feel you have no control. You are allowing these people to control you. Take your control back. You don't have to discuss this with her. If I were you, if anything at all, just say you are working with a newer type of problem drinking program more oriented toward women and leave it at that. Don't share the website address unless you want them reading about your experiences.

                              I think you need to think about your relationship with your bf too. Is this how it is gonna be? His parents involved in everything? Dealing with a very controlling bf and his controlling mother?

                              And you also need to be honest with yourself about your drinking problem.


                              Nancy

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