Bf brought his family into this

[sammys]

Bf brought his family into this

Ouch, I can see why you are hurt. For the immediate future no drinking around his Mom at ALL. Have him tell her that you are ok and are taking serious steps to making things different for yourself. I repeat he needs to tell her you are going to be ok.

Keep contact with her at minimum for now and concentrate on getting yourself better for you, not for any other reason.

Good Luck OK,

Sammys

[A Work in Progress]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;455475 wrote: Then who is the problem with?

If you're going to say me, I know that. But I'm still upset about being treated like this. But I guess I deserve it.

I think B.Man is pointing out that it is OK to be upset, but it can be counterproductive to be reactive, when upset.

Nancy's post was excellent, too. I hope you think about it.

Of course you are angry. Just don't let it divert you from taking steps to get healthy. Showing people how you are is so much more effective than telling them, or arguing with them, about how you are going to be.

best wishes,

wip

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

Hi nancy,

I think you may have responded to one of my earlier posts, but I'm not sure.

History: I am sometimes fine and "normal' with drinking, but when I get stressed/emotional/upset, I tend to over-use. The situation in question involved me having to meet my bf with our dogs. That day, I had been drinking due to emotional issues but was scared of telling him that... so I put our dogs in the car and drove them to meet him. He figured it out. And he was understandably very upset. It's one thing for me to take my own life in my hands, but risking our babies' lives is unforgivable. I still haven't forgiven myself. Some people may not get it because they're just dogs, but these dogs are children to us. They are our children. What I did is as awful as a mother driving drunk with her children.

In terms of your questions about my bf... I don't know. He says he needed someone to talk to and it was them (by default as he literally has no close friends).

I am very ashamed of what I did, but I would still classify myself as at most in the "early" stages of alcoholism. Maybe somewhere between early and middle stage. I feel like I'm being honest with myself about this, but who knows... can I even trust my own judgment?

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

sammys-- She lives far away. Her only contact with me is online except for about once every two years when they visit.

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

A Work... How do I "show" someone who never sees me? If she'd been around since that big episode, she'd have already seen that I've been working hard to fix this. But she hasn't, so instead, she's just criticizing me...

[A Work in Progress]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;455482 wrote: A Work... How do I "show" someone who never sees me? If she'd been around since that big episode, she'd have already seen that I've been working hard to fix this. But she hasn't, so instead, she's just criticizing me...

Well, "show" doesn't have to mean "in person"! What I meant is... making changes in your life, over time. That is what convinces people, whether they see you, face-to-face, or not. In other words, this will be a long-term battle, with creating a different perception about you in the minds of others who now see you as having a very bad problem. It's nothing that can be fixed with arguments or promises or books or anything like that... that's why I suggested focusing on making the changes you already came here for help in making... and trying not to get diverted into a big battle about the opinions others have about you, right now.

[nancy]

Bf brought his family into this

Ah ok, I see. Drinking and driving is very serious and is a warning sign for your boyfriend about you and you about yourself.

I still think he has handled this very badly. And as for his mother, she might have some experiences with alcoholism of her own. I don't know a lot of people who have such intense views, I suppose she could be extremely protective and controlling of her son. Still it might be interesting to see where she got her ideas, to get some insight about her and your bf. And I agree, avoiding alcohol while you are there is a good idea.

I don't think what she says is true, that alcoholics are hopeless etc. You can ask her why she feels this way for insight but I think she is not correct in this. Maybe Work in Progress or bossman can help me out on this. Some of the slogans people toss out about alcoholics
are based on the dominant 12 step program AA and are not factually accurate.


The biggest problem i see now is that you are so focused on the shame and blame, you are not focusing where you should be, on the drinking problem itself. Try to stay there. You have a family history of alcoholism and did something you yourself find reprehensible and extremely dangerous. But please don't take the blame route.

Be compassionate, inquire, get educated about alcoholism by reading all you can on this website. There is TONS of information here. And there is NO NEED to feel you are a bad person because you have a problem. Let's hope you tackle this sooner rather than later.

You really can learn a lot about dealing with emotions here. look for posts by Work In Progress who is a pscyhologist as well as alcoholic. I have had a lot of issues using alcohol for emotions and am finding it's not easy to get past that but I think it can be done. Meditation, psychotherapy and workiing on self-esteem help in this. But think of this as a long journey.

Good luck.

[rubywillow]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;455446 wrote: If he needed someone to confide in, why not a buddy?

Because he has no friends. And I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just plain true.

Sweetie, we can't control what other do and say. I'm living proof of that, in a small town, where my name is old and prominent. Doesn't matter. I am me.I have a MIL NEXT DOOR. She can Bite Me if doesn't like me. I'm working on getting well. You're BF made a BIG mistake. OK, get over that, lets move on, the secrets out and now you can be the one in the open, watching all the other hypocrispy going on aroun you. Hang tough, sugar, don't drink, it's a wonderful world out there!!! (And you'll remember it all (and maybe write it down!!!) tomorrow)!.

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

ruby-- It just seems like it would be so much easier if *everyone* didn't know.

nancy-- How am I supposed to ask her anything and expect a real answer when she obviously doesn't take me seriously at all? She's too judgmental.

And yes, I am terribly focused on the shame and the blame. I wish I could say I weren't...

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

AND-- though she hasn't said it, but you guys have suggested it... if she has some experience with alcohol in her life that causes her to think the way she does...

Well, eff her. I spent every day since I was born with an alcoholic and semi-abusive father. And I told her as much in not so many details. Based one what my bf has told me about his mother and father's history, neither of them would have ANY understanding of what I've been through or what a REAL alcoholic is.

My god... just sorting this out in my head is making me furious. HOW DARE SHE pretend to know what an alcoholic is when she's probably never even known one. I spent EVERY MOMENT of my childhood and a good deal of my adulthood dealing with an alcoholic parent. Yeah, I may have inherited some of those problems, but how dare her try to pretend to know an alcoholic when she actually knows NOTHING about alcoholism except for what she's read in books. She should be GLAD that the most experience with "alcoholics" is limited to me.

No wonder they don't understand. It all makes sense now. My bf and his mother and father all grew up "normal". Of course they don't understand. ......

[AAthlete]

Bf brought his family into this

Chiizus, the honest truth is that you can only worry about you right now. Getting mad at your bf or his mother will solve nothing, right?

I used to get pissed off that my wife had called and talked to MY mother about my problem drinking. What right did she have to talk to her about MY problem that I was taking care of!!??

The problem was, I wasn't taking care of it and I wasn't being honest with myself. I didn't consider it a drinking problem - I only drank on the weekends or when I was really stressed, right? But when I look back now, I realize alcohol was in control of me, I wasn't in control of it. A normal drinker is able to have a couple and walk away, and not think about it. I certainly couldn't do that...

What's done is done and there is nothing you can do about it. Should he have talked to them? Probably not but as you said he has no friends, and was obviously bothered by it, so turned to the people closest to him. It would be nice to be able to snap our fingers and fix everything but it is not that easy - it takes time and you have to earn the trust of those people close to you.

My wife found a receipt for a liqour store a year after I got sober and her first thought was that I was drinking again. I had simply gone there to buy some cigars, but the point is that I was absolutely fine with her asking about it. I was open and honest with her because I was sober and understood that I was a different person then.

So, get to work and SHOW them the person that you want to be and I promise everything will eventually fall into place.

[nancy]

Bf brought his family into this

Well, I know she is judgmental, but it might help you to know if she is having some personal issues with this. Like if she dated an alcoholic or grew up with it. Maybe that would help you understand and distance yourself from it. I dont think she is going to convince you, but you might be able to just calmly hear her out just to find out where she is coming from.

Society is pretty good at blaming alcoholics.

Ok, so you are focused on the shame and blame, but I personally believe that a big factor behind emotional problems, which in turn fuel drinking, is looking to some external source to measure your self-worth. Also, taking everything that happens outside of you personally is a big problem and once you overcome it, you get a lot more inner peace, in turn less need to drink.

So think of it as homework for recovery from your drinking problem to get your own sense of worth, apart from what your bf and his judgmental mom think.

Nancy

[chiizus]

Bf brought his family into this

I hear you all. But I'm still furious that he shared this with his family whom I barely know. He told them things I haven't even told my OWN parents. I feel very violated.

[Boss.man]

Bf brought his family into this

chiizus;455505 wrote: I hear you all. But I'm still furious that he shared this with his family whom I barely know. He told them things I haven't even told my OWN parents. I feel very violated.

You'll need to put your anger aside. It won't help. In the end, this is a personal journey. But here on MYO you are among friends, and we're on this journey together.

Non drinkers, people from different backgrounds, even doctors just think "If drinking's so bad, why don't you just stop?" They have no idea what it takes. If you engage someone, and they fail to assist you, count it as an error and move beyond it.

We are here on MYO to help. We are on this journey too. Count your friends where you can get them. You'll need them as a part of the process.

[Accountable for Me]

Bf brought his family into this

Oh, sweetie, most of us have gone through the same thing. Everything Nancy has written you is very good.

When I was outed, I didn't speak to anyone who made me feel small for having this problem. I HAD to cut those who didn't understand out of my life because it always drove me back to the bottle.

I would suggest you speak to your BF. He broke your trust. Especially with something so personal. I can understand he was pissed off that you drove drunk. That is NO reason to go tatle tailing to his mommy and daddy! If he has no friends too bad. He should be speaking about this with you and you only. I know you love him and such, but if it were me; his ass would be grass!

I would also suggest you not communicate with your BF's mother until you have built yourself up a bit and have a bit of time sober so you can think with a rational, clear mind. Don't feel you have to defend yourself. This isn't your fault. Alcoholism is just effed up!

Always tell yourself you DO NOT deserve to be spoken to that way. Alcohol abuse is no joke and we didn't choose to be like this. Don't ever forget that we can change. We will always be walking a fine line even when sober, but hey, we can be in control with a lot of hard work, and determination. You, if you chooose to, you won't always be a person dependent on alcohol to get you through the tough times.

By the way most alcoholics have very low self -steem. We are defensive and we are emotional. Our first reaction is to try to get the person in question to understand what we are going through. Putting ourselves down in the process. Well, don't bother. Trust me. You have to be very selfish right now and focus only on you. Stop listening to the negative people. Your BF's mom may have been in a situation involving an alcoholic or is extremely judgemental or ignorant.

Stop beating yourself up. Be strong, be proud and work on getting sober. Once you accomplish your goals, others opinions won't matter so much.