I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

[sunshine_gg]

Ok, it's just past 1pm and I'm on my 4th drink. Not good. Again, and as always, no real reason... just 'because'.

But, I finally talked to the one person today, I've been wanting to talk to for a year or so. My dad. My dad is a recovered alcoholic. No, I did not have a horrible child hood and much of his drinking (or the consequences of) happened after I had left home at the age of 17.

But I know it almost destroyed his life. I've been trying to make that call for about a year now (my parents still live in Europe) but every time I did, something else, more important, came up and I dismissed the reason for my call.

Today, I talked to my mom for a while (who just came home from the hospital) and then asked to speak to my dad. I asked him to please turn off the speaker phone because I really just wanted to talk to HIM about this. And, he did.

You know what? He wasn't even surprised. Dammit, I'm starting to cry as I write this. No reprimand, no 'blah blah' lecture or advice. Just a 'you know you have a problem - that's step one'... and 'now you need a plan for action'.

Interestingly enough, and I didn't ask him WHY he asked , one of his first questions were 'who knows about this.. who have you discussed this with'.

My dad kicked it through AA but I told him that wasn't the way I intended to go. He asked for the URL of this site and said he would check it out and he would check back with me.

You know, my mom and myself have our problems, but I SO wish I had my dad here with me right now.

So lost,

[vealees]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Youre not lost. You found your way here today. Maybe after you take a nap, you can call your Dad again, talk some more. Its early in the day and I think most people are at work, but you hang in there and wait for more posts. Try not to have anymore. You write as if your not drunk yet, so try to cut your losses.I want you to take a nap. OK?? I will be alright sunshine.

[vealees]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

I ment IT will be alright...

[LookingToGrow]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Sunshine, do want to chat?

[sunshine_gg]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Thanks Vealees!
No, I'm not a total gonner yet and I just made myself coffee. Not sure about the nap, but I'm NOT having any more. Not now. Not today. Period.

[sunshine_gg]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

yes, please.. I'm there right now

[BecomingMeAtLast]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

I'm joining you, sunshine...

[periwinkle]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Hi sunshine,

Just logged on. I'm thinking of you and hope you're feeling a bit better by now. I am really happy you were able to talk to your dad. Sounds like that was pretty special for you.

Hang in there. We are here for you kiddo!

periwinkle :l (a big hug for you)

[teakie]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

I just lost the girl i've waited ten years to be with over my drinking...I gotta stop this,I don't even have a reason to do it I just do...

[periwinkle]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Hi Teakie! Welcome!

I'd like to encourage you to start your own thread. I think you kind of got lost here. Plus it's a really slow night here with the election results coming in here in the USA.

Tell us more about yourself and your drinking patterns. What are your plans? Have you read the MWO book?

There is a lot of support here.

Hang in there and post some more. Please start a new thread!

periwinkle

[Helpwanted08]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Sunshine you hang in there! I went to chat but you were already gone.
Welcome Teakie!
Off to work.
Help

[Seacailin]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Hi Sunshine
I hope that you are feeling better today. It is so great that you can talk to your Dad. My Dad had an alcohol problem, and I had a very fearful childhood. He did stop though, several years ago. The subject is pretty taboo with us. I have discussed AA with him before, and he doesn't much believe in it. He is all about "self-reliance". That seems to work for him, but not for me. I need all the help and support that I can get. I am glad that you are here. I find that this program in addition to AA, is immensely helpful to me.
Welcome Teakie
Please do start your own thread so that you will get a proper MWO welcome.

[sunshine_gg]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Thanks guys!

Well, it's still going to be a few more days before I get the book but I've been doing some thinking.

My problem is: I want to stop - but for the wrong reasons (I think). I want to/need to stop for the people around me. If I could get away with fooling everyone I would happily keep going. So, I STILL try to hide (and it's easy since I'm alone all day) - as long as I'm reasonably sober by the time everyone else gets home, I'm OK.

Of course, this opens up a can of worms for me. I constantly feel like a fraud, a liar. Portraying something that I am not, really. I DO FEEL LIKE A FRAUD, even though I've done reasonably well in life, even, or even more so in the last 10 years as a single parent of two (without support, etc.) - and at least to the outside world, I seem to be this rock, this always positive person, who gets things done as they need to get done.

Btw, my dad pretty much agreed with everything on this site. I had given him the URL yesterday, and although he was a bit skeptical at first (he's a sworn AA man), last night he emailed me a list of advice (and approval of this program/site). One of the things he asked/advised me to do I find awfully hard to do. Tell my family, my friends.Talk openly, ask for support. Dammit. That's the ONE thing I DON'T want to do. At least in THEIR eyes I'm worth something. In my own, I am not.

On the other hand, I've decided I need to get back to writing. I haven't done so in about 4 years. It always helped me to get things 'off my chest'. Even if nobody ever read it - just to write/type it down seemed to help me somehow. I ought to take it up again.

Other than that, I am still utterly disgusted with myself; I don't UNDERSTAND what this is all about (and I HATE not understanding, not 'getting it').

Sorry, just venting, I guess. The writing down process.

[LookingToGrow]

I blew it today... but maybe not entirely

Hi SS. Glad to see you want to get back to writing. I think it will help you sort through somethings that you are not feeling you understand. I am going to be doing the same. Let me know if you need to chat, okay?