Here I am again...

[Arwen]

I seem to be able to gather the courage to get here to this place, but not to find the strength to committ. I'm not sure how to get in the right frame of mind. I so hate the constant drinking, yet it's the first source of relief that I seek. I think one of my biggest issues is that I'm totally isolated. I don't have any family or friends. I've boxed myself in because it's safe. No one can hurt me if I don't let them in. My husband wants to be there but he so hates (utterly detests) the fact that I drink that I cut myself off from him too. We talk about superficial things, politics, family stuff..never about the 2 ton purple elephant standing in the middle of the room. I think if I could find someone to talk to, I might stand a better chance at this sobriety thing. I get tired of my Dr. telling me to go to AA. I hate AA. I don't feel like it's the right place for me, and I feel like I've been talking to God for a long time and He's just not listening. Anyway, I'm at school. I have a ton to do because I wasted yesterday nursing a hangover and actually drank again last night. It's so totally unenjoyable, so why do I keep doing it? the definition of insanity, right? well, I'm sure ready for the insanity to stop. I will stop back in a little later. I could use any support anyone can give me. I feel like my "do-overs" are running out. I'd like to at least get this one thing right if I can. thanks for allowing me to wallow in my self pity. :new:

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Here I am again...

Hi Arwen,

Welcome to the site :welcome:

Don't feel alone, there are hundreds (thousands) of folks like you here who can sympathize and offer support and help. Have you read the My Way Out Book? It's downloadable and a great way to start. Read some posts, get familiar with the site and I look forward to hearing more from you.

We're here for you :l
Becoming

[A Work in Progress]

Here I am again...

Arwen, you gotta set up a program for recovery from alcohol abuse/dependence... there are a lot of elements to a good, solid program, and of course you can find good suggestions and ideas in the MWO book.

Getting the alcohol out of the house, using exercise, supplements, hyponotherapy, online support here (frequently posting and reading what other people post), medication, a good diet, paying attention to your thoughts and your behavior (where do you drink? don't go there for a while!).

It takes time, and work. Depending on what you choose to do, it can cost some money.

It's worth it.

Have you thought about what a program would look like, for you?

wip

[AAthlete]

Here I am again...

Arwen;464022 wrote: ...and I feel like I've been talking to God for a long time and He's just not listening.

Arwen, thanks for posting how you are feeling. I felt the same way that you did - how could a loving and understanding God allow all the bad things in the world happen? How could he not help me out even a little when it was obvious that I needed it (and asked for it) so badly?

What I learned is that I was wanting God to do things my way. It never occurred to me that things were happening a certain way because that's the way it was supposed to be. I had this conception of God that was formed from growing up in the church and it didn't work for me. I had to develop my own conception of God and learn to understand and accept that things happened for a reason - that I can't control what happens but I can control how I react to it.

Not advocating AA for you; your path is for you to decide. I would just encourage you to evaluate what you are seeking (and asking for) and put together a plan to get there.

[Rags2riches]

Here I am again...

Thank you all for sharing

Arwen,

I know exactly how you feel. I just joined MWO today. I have struggled with alcohol addiction for about 8 years now (somehow able to take about two years off to have children). Just like clockwork, when my girls went with their Dad yesterday, I started drinking and missed most of the football games I so enjoy watching! I bought the MWO book a couple of months ago and have read it a couple of times - so, I ask myself as I woke up in the early AM today with a very familiar throbbing in my head, what is wrong with me? Why can't I quit this destructive behavior. I decided this morning to go on-line and have found great comfort in reading all of the support of others, just like me, that have difficulties controlling this ghastly addiction. I am putting together a plan today, rid my entire house of alcohol (OK, admit that I have done this a number of times - that is pour down the drain the remaining source of my current pain), and am giving myself a chance to become AF so that I can raise my children with a clear head.

AA isn't for me, but I have decided today that I do need the comfort and encouragement from others like me. Thank you all for having such a wonderful support system!

I also firmly believes that God helps those who help themselves. Thus, while I have been praying for help, I have not been doing my part - my work begins today and with the Grace of God I need to win this battle!
:new:

[boozehag]

Here I am again...

Hi Arwen and Rags
It is extremely hard to get control of our drinking problem cold turkey and that is why most of us are here. You need a plan to do it. MWO is a plan and it is a great one too. So I say get all the tools (the l-glut, kudzu, the supplements, cd, meds etc) and pick a start date and then then give it everything one day at a time (ODAT). The community will be here to support you whenever you need it.
BH

[A Work in Progress]

Here I am again...

GOOD FOR YOU, Rags! Keep coming here, keep posting, and give yourself tons of credit for every step you take that is part of your overall plan. Be persistent, even when you are feeling weak! Ignore the alcohol-based thinking!

wip

[Arwen]

Here I am again...

Thanks for your support.

Hi to all. Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I'm feeling rather sorry for myself today, not sure what that's about but know where it leads. I'm taking the fork in the road today though. I have downloaded the book, and read it a few times, but I seem unable to convince myself that I can stick to it. Always looking for the loophole, I guess? I'm not sure. I do know that I'll be getting the supplements and listening to the cd's tonight. You all have given me some hope. I can't tell you what that means to me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of us...:thanks: