Feel like a loser

[JAMMS]

:upset:

First I want to thank you fro respondeing to my "newbie" thread. I can not explain how I felt to actually read replies from people. It made me feel good, and not so lonely. Although I still want to new why I always feel so lonely when I have a pretty good sized family.

Any way, I guess it was about 2 hours after my first post to you all before I was drinking. My sister, "the cousin" and I drank until 2:00 in the morning. Vodka and beers. When I got up to get my 7 year old ready for school, I felt okay. It wasn't until after I dropped him off and went to the McDonalds drive thru with the baby that I realized. I had only had my last drink 6 hours ago. I immediatley began to get that anxiet/horror feeling. Needles to say I did nothing for the rest of the day...no cleaning, no laundry, no dinner preperation.

And yet......Saturday my girlfriend stayed over with her boys (they are 6, twins) and we had the sleep over the 3 of them have been busting for. So yes, we drank all night till 2am. Vodka and beers.....Nope not done yet.....went to lunch with a freind Sunday...yep 2 cosmos and 2 beers....after a secret meltdown in the ladies room. I decided to go home it was 5:00.

The hubby was not happy and the house became a screaming ring. Infront of the children my husband and I said some of the nastiest things to each other. He called me an alcoholic and a loser. I said he should leave; he said for me to leave and to not even think about taking my kids. I told him I wish I never met him. He even brang up the fact that I admitted to him that I was concerned about my drinking and he through it in my face. I do not think I can count on him for support. Thank god my 17 year old was there to stop it before it got physical. I went for a ride to cool off and came back home in time to put my little ones to sleep.

I feel like a loser. Part of me knows he is right. I am overwhelmed and feeling bad. I think I got here jsut in time. Sorry my post is so long again. Should I be on another thread?

I am taking the advise of akgirl, periwinkle and the rest of you who said to read the posts from more MYO memers and I wll order the book.

Thank everyone....I'm so glead I am here.:thanks:

[Evie.Lou]

Feel like a loser

There is so much support here on this site.Not just in the beginning, when we all need it but for the long run.Post and read often and you will find so many that are truly here to help.I am so proud to be part of this family and I think you will feel the same if you give it a chance.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Feel like a loser

jamms,

You are not a loser. You are doing your best in a horrible situation. Alcohol will do that to anyone, not just you. It's done the same thing to most everyone on this site. Yes, please read the book and begin to follow the program. Continue on with this site for support. Your honesty is wonderful, it's great you're opening up and admitting your problem. The anxiety is from the alcohol, I've been there and I understand. The anxiety will go away when the drinking goes away.

Take care, we're here to help. :l
Becoming

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

Hi

:new: Hey....this is my first time ever on a forum but your post really rang some bells...the other night I drank probably 2 bottles of wine and said the most vile things to my husband which were really personal and unkind. He was really good about it but I felt so ashamed but even this wasn't enough to make me stop drinking. I just love the initial feeling of relaxation and reward but then I can't stop. I do moderate myself to 3-4 times a week if I can but am finding it really hard to do any better...anyway good luck

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Feel like a loser

catwoman,
I'm a wine drinker, too, and was at the point where I was doing exactly what you just posted. I was drinking 2 bottles of wine virtually every night and would say the meanest things to my husband...virtually every night. I don't know how he put up with it but I did it for a very long time. My guess is almost a year. I began blacking out, also. The My Way Out program has helped me tremendously and I haven't done anything even remotely like that in a very long time. I'm much healthier and more in control. I'm acting like a grown up now and it feels good!

Take care,
Becoming

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

Becoming.....thanks for your message...it was my first one and gave me a little jolt of belonging..if that isn't too sickening !! Have you given up completely or cut down...at the moment I want to give up but don't feel confident that will happen.

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Feel like a loser

No, it isn't sickening at all! I'm very honest with my posts as it helps me to remember why I came
here in the first place.

I followed the My Way Out program and had some alcohol free (AF) time first. I think that's very important. In fact, I still make sure I have stretches of AF days. I am leaning toward more AF time as time goes on as I simply like feeling stronger and having more energy, etc. For example, I drank some wine with dinner on Saturday night, not a lot, but I just didn't feel as good on Sunday morning and I noticed that. AL (alcohol) just isn't as important to me. I still get cravings sometimes, and I hate them, but they're fewer and farther between. I often come here for support and to read posts when I get cravings. I also take the supplements listed in the MWO (My Way Out) book.

By the way, welcome to the site!

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

Thanks...that's an option I can cope with more...it's the thought I can never even have 1-2 civilised glasses of wine again. I'm going to try and break the cycle and try a few weeks off the AL and see if I can re-program myself to a more sensible level:thanks:

[Jas56]

Feel like a loser

Jamms, thanks for posting your story. Very much like my previous married life - I am divorced but now happy in a new relationship except for the drinking.....

I do understand totally what Catwoman is saying...I have a wonderful husband now and I still, under the influence of AL, say some pretty horrible things that I never seem to remember....that just about tells the whole story - I am ashamed to admit. Cat, I too love the initial reward I get from a couple but seem to get lost and don't know when to walk away....:upset:

I have not been here for a while but I have been doing not terribly bad. We did drink this last Sat. nigt but it was in moderation and no scenes were made - which is a step in the right direction. I have not drank in secret for over two weeks which is a big step for me.ec

Becoming = I would love to report one day that I can be totally AF but for now, 7 days has been the best I can do.

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

Jas...maybe we can do this together and support each other on a daily basis and see how we do....definitely not a competition, I don't even know if I can last a couple of days without opening the wine telling myself I'll just have a glass....never happens ! Tell me what you think

[Jas56]

Feel like a loser

Hey Cat - yes, we can - one day at a time - yesterday was a no for me and so will today be -how about you?

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

Today will be day 1 for me...I'm going to aim for 30 days and see where it goes. I just had a moment of panic though....going to Colorado a week on Monday for a vacation and immediately thought that I'll have to drink there...I always associate vacations with relaxing and lots of wine...but I'm going to try that's all I can say...but at the moment I feel hopeful....do you have a goal or are you taking it one day at a time ?

[Jas56]

Feel like a loser

My goal I guess is that I want to limit it to one day on the weekend - Friday or Saturdays. There is a X'mas party at the end of November. Like you Cat, I associate vacation with drinks. We are also going away to a destination wedding for my son in Jan. - you guessed it, all inclusive which means drinks free - not a good thing for an alcoholic. I am hoping that just because it is there, I do not need to be drunk all day. I hope to get myself better emotionally and have some control over this problem before I go there. It is a far cry from getting messy each and every day so we will see how this goes!

[Catwoman]

Feel like a loser

I agree...I think we need to find ways to relax and enjoy ourselves without drink....how, I don't know. When you said alcoholic it gave me a jolt...I have never called myself an alcoholic...so here goes...I am an alcoholic. Now I sound like I'm in a bad film but it is liberating. I'm like you I'd like to limit myself to one night a week but think I'd probably try to cram so much into that I'd probably drink a weeks worth.

[Jas56]

Feel like a loser

Sad, but that is me too! It is like "lets finish the bottle so there will not be any temptation tomorrow" - DH and I are alike only he handels it better and is not a closet drinker - which I have known to be. I have just recently admitted to myself that I have a "problem" - now admitting any one else other than the people on this board is not feasible. Shame I guess. But on the plus side, it is a start.