Warning, this is long...
So here in the US, with Thanksgiving a mere five days away, I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. Since joining MWO the longest I've managed AF has been 7 days and that was while staying with my parents. On my own I've managed 4 days in a row this week, slipping up with wine last night but determined to make it to T-day AF. Why I slipped up yesterday is beyond me since it was the best day I've had in a long time. I was up early, went to the food pantry, came home showered, walked to fill out more job applications and the last place I went, I walked in and ran into an old co-worker/friend who works there. He talked to his manager and I was hired on the spot! I start Tuesday. Down sides: it's an Irish pub/restaurant and it's only part time. Plus sides: it's a JOB, I willl be hostessing, not touching or serving alcohol, it's during the day (so I'll actually have to get up and take showers every morning), it's within walking distance, and I already have a friend there and the people seem really. Plus I'll be making more money for less work than my last job. And the fact that my friend got me the job will motivate me to actually keep it, instead of waking up and blowing it off.
Anyway, I was walking home and I stopped in this market place that has all kinds of food vendors and craft tables, etc. I hadn't been in it since moving back to the states last December, so I forgot there is a wine shop. I guess I was thinking, hey, you got a job, you deserve it. And remember in AA they say relapse is part of recovery... (AA reminds me of Catholicism in that way, like sinning is human and the path to righteousness, as long as you repent; relapsing is part of the path to abstaining, as long as you keep coming back...)
I got home and called my parents to tell them the good news, expecting them to let me know when they would be dropping off my car (for those of you who don't know my story, they took my car and said I could have it back once I got a job). Now my dad is saying I can't have it until I can afford insurance. While I see his point, he is changing the rules as we go. I have a temper, so that pissed me off. He then said we'd talk about it later. I kinda feel like, whatever, but at the same time, it is getting really cold here and I don't have laundry facilities at my apartment, so I HAVE to drive somewhere. Right now my hampers is overflowing and my sheets are gross, I slept on the couch last night. I woke up today at noon not feeling great and I know it's because of the wine. Wednesday and Thursday I felt really good.
Anyway, besides last night and the withdrawls on Monday and Tuesday, I've had an ok week. I got an email from my grandparents inviting me to Thanksgiving, to which I replied it was out of my hands since I have no car. Then I got an email from my mom saying she heard that I would like to come to Thanksgiving, I said yes, but I didn't know if my parents wanted me there. They said they'd love to have me. That brightened my spirits because I do not want to be alone that day.
Until I found out that the only reason my grandparents asked me was because my mom asked them to invite me personally (I know my grandparents want me to come, it's just the way this all plays out that pisses me off) based on advice given to her by their pastor (who, in my opinion, knows waaaaay too much about my personal life thanks to the rents than he should). But whatever, I got over it after a couple of hours. Now I'm finding out that my mom is asking behind my back that it be an AF holiday because I will be there. I understand her fears, but there are going to be 10 other people there besides me, the majority of who drink. My grandparents like their brandy and wine, and aunts uncles and cousins like beer. I don't recall EVER going to family holiday without there being alcohol.
Before I found out about this AF thing, I was anxious about going because I did not want to be watched like a hawk; everyone keeping an eye on me and the bottles. I talked to my therapist about it and explained it was a lot like my bulimia. When people know that you are bulimic, they watch how and what you eat and then wait for you to make your move to the bathroom. This escalates the situation. The bulimic either a) doesn't eat at all the entire time, b) doesn't eat until no one is around, c) eats normally and then goes for a "walk", d) gets pissed and makes it very obvious to everyone what they are doing.
I told her I was going to feel the same way with this holiday, so she asked if she could share with my mom these feelings and I agreed. I don't know what my mom said back. I just want to go and have it be a normal Thanksgiving.
I've thought about not going but I know myself too well. I will get depressed, drink, and cry the entire day.
Back to the AF thing. This also makes me feel singled out. I don't want to be the reason why no one else can have a drink. I don't want to hear the complaining that there isn't any beer or wine or whatever. I will feel awful and just not want to be there at all. That will stress me out and make me feel like, yet again, everything is my fault and everyone has to celebrate a certain way because of Rachael.
And another thing is, my parents cannot shield me from alcohol my whole entire life. Everyone here knows how cultural it is, how it is everywhere, how you can't watch a tv show or movie without seeing a cocktail, how you can't go out to a restaurant without being handed a wine list, etc. No matter what event is taking place or where I go, chances are there will be booze. So what, exactly is the point of making it AF? If I don't want to drink, I'm not going to drink. If I do, I know what I need to do. My grandparents have internet (even if I don't post, just reading helps), they live in a wooded area good for walking, my cousin and aunt are there for me, etc. I have supports to help me.
I don't know what to do. My mom doesn't know I know all of this so it's not like I can even talk to her about it without exposing the person who told me and causing a fight.
I spoke with my sister about it and she suggested either not going, talking to my mom about it anyway, or seeing if it would be possible for me to drive separately so I can leave if I need to... I'm at a loss.
So here in the US, with Thanksgiving a mere five days away, I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. Since joining MWO the longest I've managed AF has been 7 days and that was while staying with my parents. On my own I've managed 4 days in a row this week, slipping up with wine last night but determined to make it to T-day AF. Why I slipped up yesterday is beyond me since it was the best day I've had in a long time. I was up early, went to the food pantry, came home showered, walked to fill out more job applications and the last place I went, I walked in and ran into an old co-worker/friend who works there. He talked to his manager and I was hired on the spot! I start Tuesday. Down sides: it's an Irish pub/restaurant and it's only part time. Plus sides: it's a JOB, I willl be hostessing, not touching or serving alcohol, it's during the day (so I'll actually have to get up and take showers every morning), it's within walking distance, and I already have a friend there and the people seem really. Plus I'll be making more money for less work than my last job. And the fact that my friend got me the job will motivate me to actually keep it, instead of waking up and blowing it off.
Anyway, I was walking home and I stopped in this market place that has all kinds of food vendors and craft tables, etc. I hadn't been in it since moving back to the states last December, so I forgot there is a wine shop. I guess I was thinking, hey, you got a job, you deserve it. And remember in AA they say relapse is part of recovery... (AA reminds me of Catholicism in that way, like sinning is human and the path to righteousness, as long as you repent; relapsing is part of the path to abstaining, as long as you keep coming back...)
I got home and called my parents to tell them the good news, expecting them to let me know when they would be dropping off my car (for those of you who don't know my story, they took my car and said I could have it back once I got a job). Now my dad is saying I can't have it until I can afford insurance. While I see his point, he is changing the rules as we go. I have a temper, so that pissed me off. He then said we'd talk about it later. I kinda feel like, whatever, but at the same time, it is getting really cold here and I don't have laundry facilities at my apartment, so I HAVE to drive somewhere. Right now my hampers is overflowing and my sheets are gross, I slept on the couch last night. I woke up today at noon not feeling great and I know it's because of the wine. Wednesday and Thursday I felt really good.
Anyway, besides last night and the withdrawls on Monday and Tuesday, I've had an ok week. I got an email from my grandparents inviting me to Thanksgiving, to which I replied it was out of my hands since I have no car. Then I got an email from my mom saying she heard that I would like to come to Thanksgiving, I said yes, but I didn't know if my parents wanted me there. They said they'd love to have me. That brightened my spirits because I do not want to be alone that day.
Until I found out that the only reason my grandparents asked me was because my mom asked them to invite me personally (I know my grandparents want me to come, it's just the way this all plays out that pisses me off) based on advice given to her by their pastor (who, in my opinion, knows waaaaay too much about my personal life thanks to the rents than he should). But whatever, I got over it after a couple of hours. Now I'm finding out that my mom is asking behind my back that it be an AF holiday because I will be there. I understand her fears, but there are going to be 10 other people there besides me, the majority of who drink. My grandparents like their brandy and wine, and aunts uncles and cousins like beer. I don't recall EVER going to family holiday without there being alcohol.
Before I found out about this AF thing, I was anxious about going because I did not want to be watched like a hawk; everyone keeping an eye on me and the bottles. I talked to my therapist about it and explained it was a lot like my bulimia. When people know that you are bulimic, they watch how and what you eat and then wait for you to make your move to the bathroom. This escalates the situation. The bulimic either a) doesn't eat at all the entire time, b) doesn't eat until no one is around, c) eats normally and then goes for a "walk", d) gets pissed and makes it very obvious to everyone what they are doing.
I told her I was going to feel the same way with this holiday, so she asked if she could share with my mom these feelings and I agreed. I don't know what my mom said back. I just want to go and have it be a normal Thanksgiving.
I've thought about not going but I know myself too well. I will get depressed, drink, and cry the entire day.
Back to the AF thing. This also makes me feel singled out. I don't want to be the reason why no one else can have a drink. I don't want to hear the complaining that there isn't any beer or wine or whatever. I will feel awful and just not want to be there at all. That will stress me out and make me feel like, yet again, everything is my fault and everyone has to celebrate a certain way because of Rachael.
And another thing is, my parents cannot shield me from alcohol my whole entire life. Everyone here knows how cultural it is, how it is everywhere, how you can't watch a tv show or movie without seeing a cocktail, how you can't go out to a restaurant without being handed a wine list, etc. No matter what event is taking place or where I go, chances are there will be booze. So what, exactly is the point of making it AF? If I don't want to drink, I'm not going to drink. If I do, I know what I need to do. My grandparents have internet (even if I don't post, just reading helps), they live in a wooded area good for walking, my cousin and aunt are there for me, etc. I have supports to help me.
I don't know what to do. My mom doesn't know I know all of this so it's not like I can even talk to her about it without exposing the person who told me and causing a fight.
I spoke with my sister about it and she suggested either not going, talking to my mom about it anyway, or seeing if it would be possible for me to drive separately so I can leave if I need to... I'm at a loss.
Keep trying Rach......Rome was'nt built in a day. LOL IAD.
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