excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

[hulagirl]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Don't you just hate it when your parents make you feel like a 13 year old again? My mother is 81. I am 51. And she can still do that to me. I don't have any answers or suggestions just that I know what it is like to have manipulative parents. My mother can be a "control freak" and get very anxious when "things" don't go her way. (oh yes...of course she drinks to cope with her world.)

[copper]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Well Rach now I know. And it is okay, I can screw up big time and I guess I did asking that the holiday be AF. Both your grandparent jumped at it, saying they'd rather have you than drinks. They love you so much, Dad (grandpa) is always saying he keeps you in his prayers. And grandma wants to whisper in your ears and make it all better.
I don't know what to do, I do know I want you to come down to Ky. Pam told me she had invited you a month or so ago, and Grandma called me asking if you were coming a coulple weeks ago and I said I didn't know. That's when your dad asked Brian about what to do, and Brian suggested since it's at my parents why not have them call you direct or email. And I respectfully asked if dad, Grandpa, would ask you, he jumped at the chance. He didn't have to, he wanted to.
I am going to be honest with you, we (me and dad) don't want to be around you when you're drunk, and it seems when you drink you get drunk. So for me I will be relieved that there isn't any alcohol around, I can relax and enjoy you sober, you are so much nicer, a joy to be around.
It's a crying shame we can't "talk" but I am always afraid of saying some thing that you will judge and get upset over, and I fear you feel the same way about me...how did this happen??
When you read this call me if you'd like or just repsond, if you'd like, back in this site.
Your dad and I love you and are here for you. We've never been through this, and need to attend some more Alanon meetings.

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

I just don't get why the whole entire damn family has to be involved in this. How many times do I have to tell you that? I mean, Christ, how did you feel about your procedure being leaked a couple of years back? That's nothing compared to this yet you have no problem telling the whole world and sneaking around telling people not to bring alcohol near me.
I think you think you are doing it for me, but it's pretty clear from your response that it's mostly for you and dad. I'm not saying it's wrong or that you don't deserve a good holiday, but I was looking forward to proving to you and myself that I can do it. I had a great therapy session today, had decided it wasn't a big deal and then I come home to this and I'm resentful all over again. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me want a drink, but to hell with that. I can't worry about what you think anymore. It's too stressful.

Does anyone else go through this roller coaster with family? :egad:

[river0123]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

It's sad how damaging alcohol is, to everything and everyone touched by it.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Rachelita,

Yes I go through this crap with my Mother but it's never been about my drinking. It's always been about my Mother being controlling and manipulative over all kinds of different things and trying to turn other family members against me. My therapist told me she targets me because she is jealous of me and because I see right through her manipulative tactics....in other words, I'm not as easily "hoodwinked" as the others and it bugs the crap out of her. Can you relate? I have a feeling you can! Oh honey, try to have a sense of humour, life is not for the faint of heart.


Luvya,

Myheart

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

My therapist said it's the kind of enabling co-dependent behavior that can happen to family members/friends of addicts. I always thought enabling was letting someone continue their self-destructive behavior, but she said it can be one extreme or the other.
My mom doesn't manipulate per say, but she does try to control things for me when she sees me spinning out of control. Like when she discovered I was bulimic, suddenly junk food disappeared, I was put on an antidepressant, forced into therapy and eventually forced into the hospital. Did any of that work? Nope. I wasn't ready and didn't want to quit.
Then with my first (and only so far) marriage, the same control issues came up.

Here we go again with alcohol. I usually know what she will do before it is done because history repeats itself. My dad is usually easier on me, but that might just be his initial denial.

I don't think she is trying to turn anyone against me, but she sure as hell doesn't respect my privacy with them. No many how many times I ask her not to.

[C&C Mom]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Rachelita,

I let my parents approval and need for it ruin my teens and early twenties. Then gradually into my thirties I grew out of it and now only the brink of forty - it is a take it or leave it policy. I listen to no more - they tried to help for years but I needed to help myself and find my own way - not their's. Plus we had the same family drama with them telling all family members & friends to help me when really it was just to have something to blab about.

You could try just not telling them anything personal or of consequence - keep it all business. So long as you do not need their help financially or in another way - then you're done. You have to listen to them. Best of luck. You will find your strength and when you do trust it.

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

C&C mom,
that's so funny, I was talking with my sister earlier and she told me I need to stop caring so much about what my parents think about me. I totally agree. I hope to make it to the take or leave it before my 29th year.


To all, I just got off the phone with my mom and we had a great conversation. I was calm, so was she. She agreed to stop telling the extended family about me. I agreed to try to tell her what upsets me to the point of setting me off. (Still learning about that...)
She said she and my father are going to an alanon meeting tomorrow night; we shall see...
She truly didn't know that having the holiday AF would bother me. Well, neither did I, until I heard it would be. That's what is so hard for me. All she asks of me of to know what to do and what not to do. Problem is, I often don't know until after the fact. Anyone else experience this?

[nancy]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

I think C&C makes some good points. But you have been in a financially dependent situation with your parents. As long as you are like that, your problems will be their problems.

It's great that your mom cares but caring can turn controlling in a heartbeat. It's understandable in some ways, you are still in your 20s and alcohol abuse can kill a person. So for someone who gave birth to you... imagine they would do everything their power to make you stop. It could mean life or death.

I don't share alcohol problems with family because of the control/judgement/gossip issues. I also don't find that many people understand anyway and that the AA system is too dominant, afffecting their attitudes. And they shouldn't be burdened with my problems. So if you don't ask for help, they can't control you. And you spare them some pain.

You can get support here or AA. Even friends can be more distant. A therapist can be great. Good to hear you have one. They can keep some distance while helping and for me that's best.

Get on your own two feet financially and live your own life. Share your problems only when it will help.

Nancy

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Nancy,
I am trying to get on my own two feet. Please do not lecture me on what I already know. I think perhaps most ppl on here are financially stable. Either on their own or with help from a spouse. I am in the minority. Single female, no kids, late 20's. I also have dual addiction issues that have impacted my finances greatly. Fortunately I am finally reaching out for help for both. So, I really don't need to hear about money right now. My current goal is to get better. If anyone on this site feels that I can't talk about my family issues because I have had to return to my parents for support, let me know and I'll stop posting about my family.

[nancy]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Hi Rachelita

Sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to.

I was definitely not judging you. I am not that kind of person!

I was just suggesting that if your family members are offering you things, supporting you, that they will be involved in your life and may try to control you. If you live with them, yes, it will be their business if you get drunk. I know you live on your own now.

Ideally, you would be able to support yourself and have your own life and your privacy. I thought that was what you wanted.

It really s**** to have someone watching everything you do and the way to avoid that is not to involve people. It sounds like you are not able to do that right now so the advice is not useful. I didn't realize that was not possible for you at this point.

I used to seek help for issues, but the response was control and judgment so I stopped. One would think you could go to family, but they get very emotionally involved in unhelpful ways sometimes.


Nancy

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Nancy,

I'm sorry, it is just hard for me right now. I have been unemployed for almost a year now and I finally got a job that I start Tuesday, so yes, I have had to rely on the parents for help. I know you didn't know, it just struck a cord and I over reacted. I am STILL trying to learn to think before I speak. I'd like to say it's part of my detox, but the truth is, I'm a short circuit. It's in my genes. Something I should have had under control by now, but by escaping thru booze, well, I still need practice.
I know you mean well. I apologize.

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Oh, and you are right, the family is most unhelpful at best!!

[nancy]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Hi Rachelita

I totally understand and no need to apologize. And I know you have been under pressure to find work from your other sister. So I don't want to be a new pressurizing MWO sister!

It's great that you got a job and found a therapist. I didn't rely on people financially for support but got burned very badly after seeking emotional support.

Alcohol problems are tough to resolve and sometimes best kept to oneself and select others. I have gotten a lot better at supporting myself. In particular, people who are controlling will expect something in return, that being your health. And if you can't succeed, they make you feel like you let them down. Essentially, they didn't get their way. That's codependency...

We wish you all the best and will be supportive.

Nancy

[Rachelita]

excited/irritated/anxious/confused about Thanksgiving

Thanks so much Nancy, I hope my mother reads this.
Love,
Rachael