I am here, but scared

[upnorthgirl]

:new: I have been reading the Forums for awhile now, but too scared to join in. I have downloaded and read reams of articles, ordered the book and CDs. I started therapy, had five hypnosis sessions and AA. And I still want a drink, right now!


I really only started drinking a few years ago (used to compulsively shop and eat instead). I can count on one hand the number of times I got drunk before that. Too many alcoholic family members and I did not want to be them. But now I consider myself a full blown alcoholic--always have been a fast worker It is almost every day, from the minute I get home from work until I crawl into bed.

I am great at hididng it from people, especially my naive and trusting husband. Sometimes I just tell him I took some Benedryl for my allergies and it knocked me out. I am such a good liar now. Others can tell from my slurred speech and late night phone calls that I don't remember.

I have quit for weeks at a time only to relapse. I am not even sure WHY I drink, my life is so good. Except for work and the boss who arrived four years ago. But there have been too many nights I don't remember a thing that happened. I get drunk at home and at parties and my husband drags me back and tells me in the morning what happened--how I fell, how he put me to bed. I am disgusted with myself! My grown daughter is ashamed and scared and begs me to not drink. My work is suffering.

I want to stop. I want to drink. I want my life and my health back. I want to be there for my family and friends. I am scared to fail AGAIN.:upset:

[Determinatrix]

I am here, but scared

Welcome, upnorthgirl.

I'm sure many here will relate to your story.
It's hard to be honest with your loved ones, never mind yourself.

Welcome!

Dx

[universal]

I am here, but scared

Up north,

You have come to the right place! Many of us have spouses who have put us to bed to tell us the next day what has happened.....I have lied myself about slurred speech saying that I've taken a back pill......

You have taken the steps - started therapy and AA. You are here now.

Welcome to the MWO family. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

We have an ODAT thread that we all go to check in - one day at a time. Seems to help a lot of people. As well there is the "newbies nest" - same kind of idea.

Take care and I hope to see you on the boards!
Uni

[ghostman]

I am here, but scared

i want to drink too, im three days in. thats what happens when you get addicted to something. just gotta tough it out, i hear it gets easier at some point. today was real hard for me but im still af. =-)

[Skinned Knees]

I am here, but scared

I came close today. But I kept to my plan of eating a good dinner and keeping busy. Before I knew it, the craving passed. I kept thinking of how good I feel -- no depression, my brain cells are coming back so I have my sense of humor again, I'm completing things, cooking dinner every night, etc. All I can say is that you have to really want it, more than anything else in life. The pieces do fall into place.

I am now 8 days AF. :yay:

[veritas]

I am here, but scared

Up North, good luck to you. I have realised that it doesnt matter about where our lives are, life is difficult for almost everyone. What does matter is that we drink.

I can relate to so much of what you said. Lets hang in there together.

[Determinator]

I am here, but scared

Ditto! keep up the great work everyone

Skinned Knees;495886 wrote: I came close today. But I kept to my plan of eating a good dinner and keeping busy. Before I knew it, the craving passed. I kept thinking of how good I feel -- no depression, my brain cells are coming back so I have my sense of humor again, I'm completing things, cooking dinner every night, etc. All I can say is that you have to really want it, more than anything else in life. The pieces do fall into place.

I am now 8 days AF. :yay:

[DeeBee]

I am here, but scared

Welcome Upnorthgirl!

Sounds like you are on the right track. The book was the beginning for me, from there I chose what medication I would try, which supps I would incorporate into my recovery... basically just got a plan together.
Like others have mentioned, joining a daily thread is a wonderful idea, it has been a very important part of journey.
Wishing you all the best:-)

[ABP]

I am here, but scared

Hang In

Upnorth,

I'm in the same place, I've sobered up before and it is wonderful.

The pain of hiding and deceit dissapeared but then i drank again and things fell apart.

It happens we're only human.

All i know that if all us newbies support each other and get support from others we'll get through. There is nothing better than sharing with someone who has been through similar pain.

My heart and hopes are with you and I pray that all us will continue to be AF for at least one more day.

Every day is an achievement.

[upnorthgirl]

I am here, but scared

:thanks:

Wow, it does look as if I will find the support I need here, thank you all. I made it through Monday, though the cravings started right on schedule. Went to bed early with tea and crackers. I will take your suggestions, any and all.

How do I get to the ODAT thread? How do I know which thread to log onto so I am communicating with the same people? Or do I just pick anything and go from there?
Seems like there's a million options.

I want to do my best. My therapist gave me "homework" of answering a ton of questions, and also asking my husband and daughter to write me a letter. I am not looking forward to that. I already know they are hurt and ashamed, having it on paper will be tough.

[universal]

I am here, but scared

Hi Up north.

I saw you found the odat thread for Monday - we do one every day and it is generally all the same people - sometimes it just says odat, sometimes it is spelled out "one day at a time" but you will always see it.

I agree, the letter will be very hard. It's never easy to feel like you are gettign kicked when you are down - however it may be a great kickstart to your recovery.

Keep coming back, keep us posted. I look forward to hearing more about you as you find your way out.

Uni

[upnorthgirl]

I am here, but scared

:thanks: Thanks, Universal. I will cisit this site as often as possible. Dreading the letter, yet looking forward to them also. Trying to maintain. tough day at work--a big problem--and hubby gone out Christmas shopping. Trying not to sneak a drink.

[keepwalking]

I am here, but scared

tell me about work, whats the deal with the new boss?? pm if you prefer?

[upnorthgirl]

I am here, but scared

The Boss

Oh, the new Boss..can I blame him for everything in the last 3 1/2 years--which coincidentally is when I started drinking heavily?

He is EVIL personified and his goal is to make everyone--especially the women--miserable. Men can get away with murder , coming in late, not doing their jobs. Women--everythin is nitpicked. Several months ago several people who stood up to him, or who he did not like for various reasons, were fired. A couple years ago my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, so for her 75th birthday the family decided to go on a cruise where she and my dad would repeat their wedding vows. I put in for time off (I have plenty banked) and was denied. I appealed, family members talked to him, answer waqs still no. I had to take time off with no pay. MEANWHILE a male co-worker got to take the same days off to go to a sporting event out of town!

Every move is critiqued and criticized. Every minor incident is blown out of proportion. He plays staff members against each other. The staff is now divided and isolated. Some staff members try to curry favor by spying and tattling. No one socializes anymore--no one trusts anyone. Each day is misery, so I started coming home and drinking--now I drink even when I am not miserable--which makes everyone else miserable.

We have reported him to his supervisor--who blows off off and think he is just great. We have no recourse at all, and it is not like we can quit and go somewhere else in this economy--there are NO jobs here.

[universal]

I am here, but scared

Wow, that sounds awful. I'm not sure where you live but if his supervisor won't do anything, can you go elsewhere? Labour board?

No one should have to work in those types of conditions.