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    #1

    second time.

    Today is day two AF and it's early in the day.

    Last time I was here was last May and I made it 21 days and felt invincible. I stayed for a short time and didn't post much. I just knew I could control it.

    I'm a nice drunk. I don't yell, I don't bother anyone. I usually drink alone, isolate myself from my husband and my 10 year old daughter and pass out from my bottle and half of wine. My tolerance is high so I usually can hold it pretty well and no one knows except for my husband. I suffer terribly from the horrific headache in the morning and the guilt and self loathing of what a terrible mother I am for not engaging in my child's life or my family's life. I feel like a sloth and a drunk and have very low self esteem. Others would think otherwise as I have a great job and loving husband and should have every reason to be happy but I am absolutely and utterly disgusted with the person I have become.
    I am praying that I can make it a full 30 days this time to gain some clarity. I realize that I can't moderate. But I know I need to take it one day at a time. I hope to make it through another day. Yesterday wasn't too bad b/c I was hungover. Today will be much more difficult.

    I thank God for this site and for the wonderful, open, and nonjudgemental people who post their innermost thoughts and experiences here. I have felt so isolated and alone. When I found this site, I realized that I am not alone.
    Bridget

    " little by little, we travel far "
    - Tolkein
    Tags: None
    #2
    second time.

    Hi Bridg, and welcome back to you. You sound exactly, EXACTLY the same as me. I am happy for you that you decided to share because we are all here for each other and the support is phenomenal. It's a journey for all of us. Hop on board! Summer xxx

    Comment

      #3
      second time.

      Hi Bridget....love the name!! Well done on day 2....keep going...I'm on day 5....so pleased with myself...but its hard..so hard...I'm with you on this. I just keep thinking of the horrendous hangovers i get when i binge...and the feeling of bliss in the mornings when i don't..keeps me on my path of sobriety. good luck..Bella XXX

      Comment

        #4
        second time.

        BridgetJones1998!
        Great nickname! and Welcome back! You made 21 days before, and you can remember how great you felt..you had gotten past, I think, the first few nights of sleep adjustment, and body adjustment..and then tried just one! I've been down that road..hated it, hated myself, etc.
        You have posted that you don't like the person you have become, and you know you can do better! So, become the person you want, stay close on here, read, post, chat, join in with everyone else here..it can be very therapudic to know there are others in your shoes! It wasw a great help for me when I decided to quit that I had this site, I think I was on 24/7 for the first few days. It does get better.
        Do you have a plan to deal with the cravings? Perhaps an alternate drink to hold in your hand? Like you, I loved my wine..so I started to mix cranberry juice and club soda, put it in a wine glass, and use that as the "gotta have my drink" helper. You might want to think also about what you are physically doing when you drink, and perhaps figure out something else to keep you busy instead of the old habit that you had when you were drinking.
        I wish you (And Bella, congrats on day 5) the best! PM me if you would like, but please stay close on the boards and keep posting.
        BHOG
        War isn't working. Let's try Peace!

        Comment

          #5
          second time.

          Wow, thanks guys for the quick replies and support.
          You're right, I need a plan. Unfortunately, I have been on Topa now for a month and drinking right through it. It helped me the last time when I was extremely motivated and reading this site daily. I should know better!!! I "didn't" have a plan.

          The cranberrry/soda idea is a great one. I will get some of that. Need to wrap Christmas gifts. Unfortunately, my laptop has a bug and I need to get it to my computer guru to have a look at it. I usually sit in bed and use it as a lifeline instead of going upstairs to my hardwired computer. I am worried about not being able to lie in bed and stay connected when I can't sleep. That IS a priority! I need to be connected! My iPhone works pretty well but not near as well as a laptop. Typing is too cumbersome. I can't text like those youngsters!

          Thanks again. You guys are great! I know the next few days will be difficult.

          Bridge
          Bridget

          " little by little, we travel far "
          - Tolkein

          Comment

            #6
            second time.

            Hi Bridge,

            I'm a wino, too. I'm on day 2, too. Let's make it to day 3, okay?

            Your friend, :l
            Be
            "Action is...the enemy of thought." :l Joseph Conrad

            Comment

              #7
              second time.

              Me three~!

              Bridget, like you I have done long stretches of sober living and then fell right back in the drowning pool. My drink of choice is Vodka and Diet Lemonade, of all things! When I crash and burn I am also disgusted with myself, but I hear that makes it worse and to stay positive and start over.

              I think these forums are great (I just never know which ones to go to and lose track of where I have been--I should make a flow chart or something) and they keep me in line (well, it's Day 1 again and I only joined a few days ago, but still.....)

              I appreciate all the support-and suggestions--

              Speaking of Topamax and Antabuse--getting my prescription soon, I hope. Which is better? I know Antabuse will make me violently ill if I drink, so that's a good deterrent --And I read Topamax lessens the cravings but there is no illness if you drink. maybe BOTH?

              Comment

                #8
                second time.

                Exactly like me too! Wino! Hoping to make it past day 4.

                Everything I need is within me!

                Comment

                  #9
                  second time.

                  Hey guys,
                  Thanks sooooo much for the support. Made it through day 2. Now on day 3! There have been some really tough hours but I have come here and read.

                  Summer - thanks for the cheerleading!
                  Bella - congrats on making it to day 5.
                  BHOG - thanks for the suggestion on cranberry/soda. i used tonic and dash of sweet lime juice and it was great!
                  Be and Bright light - fellow winers! my sisters !!!!
                  Upnorth - don't know whether Topa OR Anta. I am on Topa. I have been on it for a month AND drinking... stupid. Last time Topa worked great! Bottom line if used when you WANT to quit Topa does take the taste and urge away. I have considered adding antabuse if I fail at this attempt.
                  Wally - you are SO right about the life long committment. I got a little too cocky the last time. After 21 days I though I had this thing all figured out.....
                  Bridget

                  " little by little, we travel far "
                  - Tolkein

                  Comment

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