a woman (and mother) on the verge...

[skinny cow]

I have been reading this site on and off for about a year. This is my first time posting. I know now i am an alcoholic, and although I am only 37, i have been one from 'hello', when I first started drinking at 16. Now it is crazy. I am afraid I will lose my kids, my lovely husband, and probably most importantly, my sanity and my life. I started dipping in and out off AA last year after I reached a real crisis and my husband realised there was a problem. but i can't seem to get more than one to four days al free. its always the same pattern... i have three children under five. i don't drink during the days, but by six o'clock i am going crazy. i drink really really fast once they go to bed. but on some days, its worse and i drink much more than that at night. Having said this, it has been a daily problem for many many years and once i started thinking about it, i realised that basically all the problems i have had over the years with people, particulary those close to me or those i have lived with, have been a result of my alcohol dependancy. but at this moment, a particular weak spot is when my husband is gone overnight for work...which is often.When i feel bored, stressed, lonely, angry, i just simply want to numb it and get out of my skin.

i know aa has helped so many. and the last year i have gone to to AA and do get alot out of it. but , one, its hard to find the time with childcare, but two, it is a very small town in ireland and the meetings are mostly older men who, while suffering from the same thing as myself, have suffered in a very different way. and three, i feel very shy and private and exposed. and finally, those are really all excusses. i have a hard time asking for help and i suppose that is why i am writing this for the first time tonight. To finally admit it to another person. Even if it is alot of people I don't know in cyberspace.

[Montana Mommy]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Wow!! That was me except I have 2 small children. When hubby was working nights was my fav time to drink. No-one was here monitering my drinking.
I wanted to go to AA, but I didn't want to take my kids. And my biggest fear was child services would take my kids.
What worked for me was coming here, posting, then I ordered antabuse, and it gave me my month long stretch AF. I only took antabuse for 2 weeks, but it gave me time to get my mind sane enough to figure out things with a sober mind. That's just me though, and antabuse is scary if your not sure. Since Oct. 27th, Ive had 3 slips, but thats way better than how I was.
Great job posting. Keep it up and see things start to change.
MM

[rustop61]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Hi Skinny and :welcome:

You have taken the first step by admitting you have a problem. I know exactly what you mean by AA. I tried it a few times but it just wasnt for me. It was suggested that I keep trying different meetings until I find the right one but with kids thats just not feasible. The beauty of MWO is that you can do it privately and do it your way. Start by getting the book. Lots of people do it with the topa, antabuse or just use the supplements, cd's and this site. Personally I didnt try the drugs and have gone from a bottle of wine a night to about 80% AF this past year. I find it helps to log on every day and check in. There is a ODAT (One day at a time) thread that lots of us use. There are also numerous 30 day threads or abstinance/moderation threads, read them all and join in when you feel like it.

Good luck, you can do it.

Rustop

[BridgetJones1998]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Welcome skinny cow!!

You are so brave to be here and post. That is such a big step. I know exactly how you feel. You well feel nothing but nonjudgement and support here. Many of us are women who have children and have suffered with the isolation and shame of this disease and have worried about how going public with this disease though AA would affect our careers (me) or others, like you, have young kids, and worry how that would affect custody.

First, you are not alone. We all have one thing in common. We are struggling with the same disease and we are trying every day to meet our individual goals regarding alcohol. Please order the book. I did use the topamax, i am only on Day 6 now, am considering antabuse if I fail, but know that I will need to be an abstainer. I joined in May and did 21 days AF (alcohol free) but fell into old habits.

Come here often, there are people here to support you. Read and post. You can do this. One day at a time.... sometimes one minute at a time.

Hugs

[skinny cow]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

I don't want to sound like i am blaming aa or am criticising it in any way. i just do not know how to get past the listening phaze to the speaking up phaze. i feel so alone. l a, ike a complete failure as a mother. and with no excuse. we live in a nice house, with nice family... am i the only person who can be so selfish, ungrateful and weak?

[ezzmae]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Skinny Cow, you have taken a big step. Even admitting in cyberspace that you have a problem helps a lot. I feel the same, I have 2 children under 5, I have a good house, a great husband but why do I drink? Sometimes I drink as a release from the stresses of life, but after a while AL just added to the stresses. I am a binge drinker and I ended up every Monday with a hangover, feeling weak, selfish and depressed. This is only day 8 AF for me but I have done it in the past for 60 days and I know that by eliminating AL from your life your daily stresses of mothering 3 small children will improve. Another outlet helps, I joined a gym last year with a creche. I now go most days and the exercise helps to my mind healthier and the kids love it. Giving up AL is such a hard step but ultimately it is only something that we can do, by utilising all the help and support we can get.

[Seacailin]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Welcome Skinny
You have been given some Great advice already, so I just want to welcome you aboard and wish you well. I look forward to your future posts. You can do this.

[greeneyes]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

I second seacallion. Welcome! Please do read the book and consider following the program. Does your husband drink and would he object to having no alcohol in the house? I fyou don't like to talk about the issue with your friends or family, you can talk openly here and will be supported without judgement. This is a good step in your journey. :l

[Michaela]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Welcome Skinny. I too am a Mother, live in a nice house, great husband, etc. I thought I was the ONLY HORRIBLE Mother in the world until I came here and saw I wasn't alone. That helped me a lot just to know that. It's not easy, but if you really want it, it will come.

Best of luck and post as much as you need. There is a lot of support here because we all have been where you are.

Mich

[skinny cow]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

thanks for the encouragement. its a new day now and i know all i can do is today. is it just me, or when you get it in your head to break out and drink, its like a fever, or a panic? that's how i felt last night.

[Tiresias]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

skinny cow;500709 wrote: thanks for the encouragement. its a new day now and i know all i can do is today. is it just me, or when you get it in your head to break out and drink, its like a fever, or a panic? that's how i felt last night.

It's not just you. Although you are unique and very much an indivudual.

I hope you feel better today.

Keep comin' back.

[AMELIA]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Welcome Skinny,
You are not alone. There are many many people in a similar position to you.
You are making the right moves by visiting this site and going to AA (even if you are just listening).
Are there any local activity groups you could join in the evenings so that you are not alone....and less likely to drink. If 6ish is your danger time...see if you can fill it up with something more productive.

[kaponium]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

Sometimes what feels like an uncontrollable "compulsion" to drink is very very hard to overcome - but it CAN be overcome....Try the Serenity prayer, or posting hard out here, or taking a long brisk walk, or eating something sweet....The bottom line is WE DO have CHOICES, and the cravings and SEEMINGLY uncontrollabe urges DO PASS. Keep moving forward....DO NOT PICK UP THE FIRST ONE!

[skinny cow]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

thats the key i know...the first one! i need to find the strength to call some one before the first one. i feel if i can do that even once, that will give me strength to know i can do it. years ago i quit for four years, and i know that after a while, not drinking became the habit, not the exceptional behavior, and it did get easier as it went along. although obviously, i became complaicent and ended up where i am now

Any views on Topamx?

[Tiresias]

a woman (and mother) on the verge...

skinny cow;500718 wrote: thats the key i know...the first one! i need to find the strength to call some one before the first one. i feel if i can do that even once, that will give me strength to know i can do it. years ago i quit for four years, and i know that after a while, not drinking became the habit, not the exceptional behavior, and it did get easier as it went along. although obviously, i became complaicent and ended up where i am now

Any views on Topamx?

Gather advice from the good folks here about Topa.

The first one is the paradox. When you want it, you don't want to call someone to tell you not to have it. When you want to call someone to tell you not to have it, you didn't want it anyway.

LEARNING about your thoughts and what the addiction is trying to tell you, is an education that can help you when those voices come a calling. We all touch a hot stove too many times.