I am a loser

[bestlifeldms]

I am a loser

Keeta, All wise and caring words here. Dingbat's point is sooooo important. 1 incident doesn't make you a looser. You have succeeded at being AF all but 1 day in just over a month. If you were a ball team you would be, 30 & 1, the envy of your competitiors. Be mindful of those who continue to struggle and can't even put two days together, or remember being there yourself. I certainly was there. This incideous struggle reminds me of watching a nature film when the preditor is bearing down on the prey, leaping and clawing into the hind quarters of a creature that is despirately fleeing in an attempt to cling to this life that is so precious. We are the prey! And although alcohol is not a being or an entity, it seems so. It seems to always be on the fringes of our psyche, watching, and ~ like a preditor, waiting for the moment to leap and take chase. Knowing when we are most vulnerable and at our weakest. This is survival ~ we must be the fittest, the strongest. Run swift my friend, don't even look over your shoulder. Ignore that it is there. Continue to be strong. And remember, you have what it takes to be AF! Love & respect to you... Best

[Bella]

I am a loser

Keeta...no one is a loser...please dont think that....Its easy to think that sometimes...I have often felt like you but YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING. If you don;t, what is there left???

Come here and post...you have friends who understand and will try to help....Keep strong now.

Bella XXXX ps..look at your achievements...X

[notevergivingup]

I am a loser

Keeta, you are not a loser, no one here is, because we keep trying, when we fall, we pick ourselves back up and go again, just like you will. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen on my butt and had to startover and so will you.

Twosox

[dingbat]

I am a loser

twosox28;500903 wrote: I can't tell you how many times I have fallen on my butt and had to startover.

Yeah, me too! And I mean that literally:H!!

[A Work in Progress]

I am a loser

You've gotten some great help in these posts, Keeta. I especially hope you'll think about what Be and Starting said: remember what other stuff is going on in your life that creates the major stress, which in turn leads to strong urges to drink, and relapse... and work on a plan to address those issues... recognize where you are most at risk, and find ways to strengthen the places within you that alcohol uses to get back into your life....

[BridgetJones1998]

I am a loser

Dear Keeta,
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said other than to say that I, too, have been there. I went 21 days and drank AND FELT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!!

[Accountable for Me]

I am a loser

Keeta - sending you strength and love, honey. You drank, well that isn't the end all! I understand the disappointment you feel, as I have been there a few times.

Yesterday was the past, and today is the present. Be kind to yourself and just learn from it.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to die because I had given in.

But, we are only human, and it is by our mistakes that we learn to change our ways.

XOXOXOXO

[BridgetJones1998]

I am a loser

Sorry, I wasn't finished. I was going to say that I don't why we are so hard on ourselves. It is the nature of this disease to self loathe and to then self medicate with the AL. It is a vicious cycle that can only be broken by stopping the AL. Words that are hard to follow by actions. But you have PROVEN you can do it!!!! YOU DID 30 DAYS!!!! You can do it again! You are not a bad person. You have done nothing that all of us haven't done. You can do this. I agree, get rid of the AL, start again today! We are here for you, supporting you every step of the way.

One day at a time, one hour at a time.

[1morechance]

I am a loser

Ditto everything everyone has said. Please don't loose hope; hope is all we have when we feel down. Just think about your accomplishments. I know it is easier said than done, but don't be so hard on yourself. Take care of yourself and let us know how you're feeling. Sending you strength from a very cold monday here in New England

[Charliegirl]

I am a loser

Keeta,

I agree with everything that has been said, and just think of the health benefits that one whole month without AL has done for your body. Much better to have had one month AF than no AF at all. Just gotta get up& keep going. I think 30 days is awesome.

[cmhguy3]

I am a loser

Some great advice! Dust yourself off and get back on the horse! Good news is.."You proved you can do it!"

[greeneyes]

I am a loser

Keeta, good points here. We all believe in you. Believe in yourself and keep trying!

[keeta]

I am a loser

Day 1 over.

I will not give up.

I am overwhelmed by all your amazing, caring, supportive, loving responses.
While today I am embarrassed by the seemingly over dramtic words I typed....the helplessness and shame and guilt and sadness at my loss of control over AL were very very real. It is such a horrible feeling to have allowed this to happen AGAIN. Especially after having done the best I have in the past decade.

Tiresias:
I am definately human. Everything you say is true, and I don't feel you are minimizing anything. :l And while I don't wish I were dead, and I do feel embarassed at having used that phrase "I wish I were dead"...at that moment, having to admit once again that I cannot win if I choose to drink, that I am an alcoholic, and that even with that knowledge I allowed myself to do this to myself AGAIN...I felt just so damn sad, angry, frustrated, helpless, and lost, that the words didn't *seem* overly dramtic at that very second. (if that makes any sense at all????) Thank you for caring, and thank you for posting.


ezzmae:
I will try my best to walk away from this a little bit smarter, and maybe a little more determined. Self hatred is such a huge part of my own alcoholism. It is also a huge part of my own viscious cycle of drinking. One I am determined to stop. Thank you!

witchywoman:

You are very right. It is NOT easy. I want to try again...I won't quit trying to quit! progress NOT perfection! yes, yes, yes!

Tiresias:
hi again....thank you for caring...I am not suicidal, and I am sorry to everyone for using that phrase...I didn't mean it to be "crying wolf" either...I guess I just felt incredibly hopeless. I want to live...and I want to live SOBER.

johnnyh:
thank you for caring...I am just finishing up day 1 again, and I do feel 1000% better than when I posted last! I will get back up!

startingover:
yes there is always tons of support and wise caring people here. Just like you! I can't express how grateful I am to have this place. You and witchy are correct that it messes with brian chemistry and it amplfies my already existing depression. So how very smart of me to drink, huh?! I have been trying to be more vocal here, and express myself better in part because I need the support, and to try to be of some help to someone else (even if just a shining example of what NOT to do!!) Writing it down on paper, and see if I can figure out what caused this...or what coping skill(s) I am lacking that I replace with AL.

Kaps:
my dear sober date partner...sorry I got left behind. But I am still with you in spirit and just a few steps behind. I guess I had to stop a minute and learn a hard lesson once again. I CAN NOT DRINK. I may have screwed up, but I will get back up again. :l

gyco:
reading my own post today was very hard. I could feel my shame, and deperation. Being too hard on myself is definately one of my problems. Thank you for the luck, I gratefully accept it!

dingy:
ok, well now you made me cry! Not really in a bad way...just the simple truth that I would never say or think the way I did to someone else...only to myself. WOW...a little eye opening.
progress NOT perfection! Love it! Thank you

Beaches:
thank you for posting your support. Obviously I DO have issues about focusing on the negative instead of the positive. I will try my best to keep this a slip, and not a binge or worse.

johnnyh:
the golf analogy does work, if you think about it!

wally:
As much as I am totally disgusted that I was dumb enough to drink, I am going to keep working hard at living totally AF. I am dusting off as we speak. This place, and especially feeling all the caring support here, I can't do anything BUT try my damndest!

river:
Thank you. One of the many reasons I love and need this place is because I can feel not so alone in my battle (and it IS a battle right now). Your support and understanding means so much to me!

Becoming:
you are right, something was up with me. I was feeling totally like crap..not strong...vulnerable might be the right word...I know the Christmas party was a problem, but I think it may have been secondary...maybe Holiday Stress...I am not sure. Whatever it was, I turned right to that shit head AL, and he was right there waiting. The weather is cold and snowy, and lots of places had two feet the other day! I am better today...reading the posts here today has given me hope back. Thank you for caring.

[johnnyh]

I am a loser

Hi Keeta.

It is great to hear that you are doing better and are much more positive. Well done for having the courage of starting again. !! Don't give up!! We are all here together!! :goodjob:

[keeta]

I am a loser

Wow,
sorry, I had to post, I was afraid I would lose what I had already written so far. This is turning into quite the novel.

Evie:
you are right about the pot holes. This was a definate eye opener! Like I said earlier, I obviously have issues focusing ahead, and on the positive, instead of the negative things in the past. I am working on it. I just can't express enough how the responses to my post have honestly given me hope, and the strength to keeping pushing forward, and working to be AF. I know I must do it by myself for my self, but the support here, and the caring make it much much easier. I will never give up. That hopeless me that made that initial post will be gone one day. The strong me, filled with hope for a btter AF life is getting stronger!

Bestlife:

WOW. Your words ring so true. AL is my predator...and when I am vulnerable I am open to his attacks. Even though I stumbled, and AL got in a chomp or two, I will keep running, keep fighting keep LIVING...and I want to do these things withOUT AL. Thank you for your caring post.

Bella:
Thank you...AL is such a horrible thing...the next time I am tempted I have to try to recall these feelings...of what it REALLY does to me...how it helps me become exactly the opposite of what I want to be. I will try hard in the next few days to focus on how well I was doing instead of my loss, and I will keep working on remaining AF!

twosox:
Thank you for caring, and thank you for helping me feel not so alone. You are right, we can't lose as long as we don't quit trying.

YIKES...it is 2am and have to go to bed...I am sorry I went on so long...I want to thank everyone who took the time to offer support and to encourage me to not give up quitting AL.

there are more of you I wish to thank personally...wip, Bridget, and AFM, 1more and Charliegirl, cmhguy and miss bean...and I will write more tomorrow...
ALL your posts mean so much...I just have to get up in 3 hours, and didn't realise how late it had gotten...:l :l :l