Why am I destroying my life????

[Snapdragon]

Today - I truly hate myself. I haven't been on the site for a while because I've given up. I'm a loser and I can't seem to stop drinking. I did try in the beginning - bought all the supps (can't get Topamax in the UK), but never managed to go more than two days AF.

I'm making my children's life a misery and I almost lost my lovely partner last night (we don't live together and he doesn't realise how bad my drinking is because I only have one or two on the nights we're together). I have no idea how much I drank - but I polished of a wine box so it was a LOT. I ended up ringing my partner and accused him of alsorts of unmentionable things - and apparently told him that it was over between us. He must have realised I was drunk.

Anyway, he turned up at my house this morning (I must have still reaked of alcohol, although he didn't say anything.) We talked things over and basically I am VERY lucky that he is giving me another chance.

Alcohol is destroying me - and destroying my life. Why can't I stop? I hate myself so much. I read on other people's threads about family dying from the damage alcohol does to them and it scares me so much. I don't want to be like this anymore.:upset:

[Guitarista]

Why am I destroying my life????

G'day there Snap. You aren't a loser, and you haven't given up either have you, because you've just posted here. That shows you want to change. You CAN stop. You need to put together a plan for yourself. Come on.....Go for it!

[startingover]

Why am I destroying my life????

Hiya Snap, like G says, you havent given up, I would imagine you are feeling so depressed because you have had a skin full.
Firstly, stop telling yourself you're a loser. The subconscious will believe what we tell it. So even if you dont believe right at this moment you can beat this thing, keep on telling yourself that you can. Might sound daft, but it works.
Next, stay close to the site, get all the support you can. after a couple of days you will start feeling brighter, care for yourself with good food and lots of water.
Write down how you are feeling at this moment, at times of weakness re-read it, it will help to clarify that you dont want to go there again.
Take your supps, they do help.
You dont have to live your life like this, you have another chance. Grab it.
We are here to help you, just give yourself a chance

[Snapdragon]

Why am I destroying my life????

Thank you - you are right, I do feel awful and hungover, but mostly ashamed. I do want to stop drinking - and I want alcohol to stop controlling my life. I seem to have been struggling with this forever.

I am at work at the moment. My last day, as I'm starting my own business in the new year - even more reason to be sober. Ironically, my work colleagues have bought me four beautiful crystal wine glasses and a bottle of wine for my leaving present!

[Sunbeam]

Why am I destroying my life????

Snapdragon,
We all hated ourselves when we drank too much. You can continue hating that part of you, so much so that you can wave good-by as your new, loveable self takes over. You can succeed, the power of healing is within you, and here you have great support. Stop today, and you will have a truly Merry Christmas, maybe the first in a long time. It sounds like you have love in your life - hold onto that tightly. Like Startingover said, write down how you feel so you don't forget when that compelling feeling to DRINK comes along again, today or tomorrow. After you write it down, would you want to give it to your loved one? That's what I did, asking for my husband's support "no matter what", for his understanding that this is a hard problem and often takes multiple attempts. I have experienced enormous success here, and you can too. I have my real life back, instead of the one where thinking about alcohol dominated all my non-working time.

[Beaches]

Why am I destroying my life????

Snap, I think from reading your post you are ready to make a change because you do see how it's effecting everything in your life, that is a huge step.

You can do this. Keep coming here and talking and getting the support you need and deserve. You can turn your life around. It's such a freeing thought when you make the commitment to yourself to change.

[notevergivingup]

Why am I destroying my life????

Snap, you can and will do this, I can hear it in your post. Pick yourself back up, dust off and start again.


Twosox

[A Work in Progress]

Why am I destroying my life????

Snap, good advice, above. Also: From my perspective, the most important things to remember are:

• You CAN quit this
• It takes work to quit (wishing and hoping won't make it happen)
• You must be willing to tolerate discomfort
• It's very well worth all the work and all the discomfort
  Some first steps:
  
  Go to the section called "Monthly Abstinence" and read the "Toolbox" thread.Get and keep the alcohol out of your house.Get some non-alcohol drinks that are reasonably enjoyable, and keep them at hand, drinking something all day long, especially during the times that you usually drink alcohol.

[BridgetJones1998]

Why am I destroying my life????

Good Morning Snap-
Great advice from G, Starting, Beaches, Twosox, and Work. We have all walked in your shoes and shared your feelings. You are not alone.

Someone once called what you are feeling now "the Gift of desperation". Meaning that after they were sober they realized that they needed to hit rock bottom to make a change. You are there, as we have all been. That is when we make a change.

Take Work's advice and follow those specific steps. You can do this. One step at a time. One day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow. Just focus on today.

Hugs

[BecomingMeAtLast]

Why am I destroying my life????

Snap,

It's so good to hear from you again! :l

Listen to WIP. Also, I would regift that gift you were given. I was given a beautiful wine box and have regifted it. It was the right thing for me to do at the time.

Take some time and write something down, could you, in column form? Not now, not when you're hungover. When you have a minute or two and can think more clearly, more objectly.

What I like about drinking. What I like about being sober.

What I hate about drinking. What I hate about being sober.

For example, something about not liking about being sober might be boredom, feeling sad or anxious. Take your time. Then compare the lists. See what you come up with. You might have a bit of fuel to put under your fire. I don't know you well, but for me it was time for me to get mad at my alcoholic self and say no more.

Take care, :l
Be

[Marshy]

Why am I destroying my life????

Hi Snapdragon,

Hang on to that part of you that wants to stop drinking and don't let go.
This is a tough time of year for those of us with alcohol problems, and sometimes you just have to avoid it. Don't go to parties if you know you'll be tempted, don't have it in the house. If I have alcohol at home, I WILL drink it. I know that, so I simply can't have it at home. It's easier said than done, I know.

Oh, and while you're feeling rough from last night, throw away that bottle you've been given/ give it to someone else. Get rid of it and take care of yourself tonight.

[maddiva]

Why am I destroying my life????

Right I am going to say this. He or she gave you another chance. Well that is your first wrong doing. You are worth far more than that. it is not up to anyone else to give you another chance. It really is down to you to be fair to yourself. If you have a drink problem that must be your priority, not what anyone thinks, cos what if he walks away\\\\\/? What then? I think when we have problems be it drugs or drink, we choose wrongly. We are not in control of ourselves and that must always be taken into account. You and your kids are your priority and nothing else. Above all you. I speak as I am the same. Without a man or woman just trying to get better for me and mine. Much love and happy christmas:h

[lil.michelle]

Why am I destroying my life????

Hi hun!
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this.
We use drink for all sorts of reasons. You have an addiction. It's an illness and it takes A LOT of teeth gritting, tears... MANY tears, screams, shouts and pure anger to get over this.
You need to start again. Get rid of the drink in your house Order your food online so you don't have to go out and see all the drink.
Sometimes it takes something HUGE to knock us down to earth and make realise how much of a problem we really do have.
The feeling of being ashamed does go. You just need to give it time. I hope you see now what you NEED to do. Good luck!

[upnorthgirl]

Why am I destroying my life????

Hey, Snapdragon--Maddy and Becoming have great advice. I think making the list comparing drinking and not is a great idea--I am going to do it also, then carry it around with me. If I take it out and read it when I am feeling weak--along with the lettes I received--it should be good motivation.

and Maddy is right--only YOU need to give yourself a second chance. Don't feel indebted that someone "forgives" you. Forgive yourself if you need to and move on. I worry that we sometimes stay in realtionships just because we feel we do not deserve better. I know that in the past, I have done so. I hope your partner is a good person, and it is nice he is forgiving--but make sure he knows that you are worth and of great value.

[Accountable for Me]

Why am I destroying my life????

[QUOTE=A Work in Progress;501608][*]You must be willing to tolerate discomfort[*]It's very well worth all the work and all the discomfort[/list]
Since my being here; I have learned it is the discomfort that sends many into a relapse.

If you can ride through a good week or so of feeling awful, almost flu like, and tired, you will be well on your way.

Take it one day at a time. Keep posting here and we will give you all of the support you need.

So many of us have been in your shoes; and others even worse off because of AL. Your time is now to deal with this issue and to start changing your life so you can be happy. :l