oh my god

[maddiva]

Never quite sure where to post my thoughts. One day someone will tell me. Guess what happened? Can't guess, well let me tell you. I have been sober for 15 days and succumbed today, but you know what I am not surprised cos I do everything, and I do. I had a drink today, I did not stagger around and probably knew it was coming. So big deal I did it. Then my youngest son who is at his fathers had an argument and wanted to come home at midnight!!! Oh the dramas. Then my eldest son collected him and came in and just went berserk. My eldest son, totally abused me. Was concerned I was drinking, even moderation cannot exist in my happy home, it is totally abstinence and you all know how darned hard that is. So then he began to attack me. I am 5ft 3 and he is tall. He is seventeen and he just went berserk. pinning me down, pulling my dog by her ears, smashing my room up and it resulted in the indignity of me being thrown across my lounge and smashing my head on the couch. I am a cocky little sod and I will stand my corner, but it is like dealing with thugs and I do not like it and do not need it. I want to get better, how the hell can I with all this? Massive bump on my head and a splitting headache and i am tired of it. So my youngest son called the police as my eldest had pulled a stanley knife and threatened to chop my head off. The Police came and removed both my sons. ~Took them to their fathers. Who is the leader in this anti me. Do you know what I did? I took the Christmas tree down and threw it in the bin and said bah bloody humbug. I love christmas I love the joy and peace and today it went out of my home like a rocket. I can honestly say hand on heart I did not deserve that. I have struggled and saved to give my kids the best christmas ever and they swear and are rude and today god delivered his present. Go it alone girl, cos you will always drink if you have dead wood around you. How horrid to talk about your kids like that. I have tried, really I have. I loved being a mum. I went through birth and adored them, yet now I feel nothing, no love, just empty. Fortunately I am young enough, but I tell you it is the most thankless task ever. I know my eldest son adores me and that is the problem it is like he is obsessed a bit like oedipus syndrome. I can no longer take it. I honestly and I say this to you as you all have drink problems, was not drunk. I was fine. I was tired and in that lies the truth. I am tired. do you know well you don't but I will share this with you many years ago I was asked by a man to marry him and move to his homeland in Ireland. I decided not to because of my children and the stress it would cause them. For what I ask, cos had he been here he would have put them in their place. Merry Christmas to all and please remind me what is this abouta very mad maddiva moan

[upnorthgirl]

oh my god

I am sure you are angry and upset now, but take care of yourself and PLEASE try not to resent your son. He did a terrible horrible thing to you, true. I am sure he loves you as you love him.

Do you think he became angry because of his memories of your drinking in the past? Is this his way of trying to get you to stop? Has he done this before? Violence is never acceptable and should never be allowed. this issue needs to be fixed. Have you talked to a counselor or proest or something?

I wish I knew how to help you. I am not sure if I am helping or making it worse right now. All I can say is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF in a positive way. Do not let your anger and hurt lead you to make a bad decision. Get a good sleep and tomorrow things will--hopefully--seem brighter.

[ezzmae]

oh my god

What a terrible situation for your do be in? And giving up AL is hard enough without the extra struggles. I can't really offer you any advice but I will tell you how my mother feels about my father's drinking. They have been together for 35 years and up until about 5 years ago every drink that he put in his mouth, she almost consider it an insult to her. That he would choice AL over her!! In some ways she saw AL as the other person in their relationship and she was very resentful. About 5 years ago he descended to the his lowest point, or else she reached the point where she stopped caring. Now she she knew that he had a disease, just like his father before him, but she still resented him for taking a drink.

[maddiva]

oh my god

ezmae and up north girl, thank you to you both. I am calmer now, I posted when the police were taking them to their fathers. I made a vow to my eldest son to stop drinking, so I know he was really upset, but to be violent makes it just so much worse. I feel very let down by my children at times, as they must also feel very let down by me. I know they have had hell because of my drinking, but their father is not a nice man and it seems they take on his behaviour. I went into a women's refuge with them when they were 2 and 4 they are now 16 and 17 (nearly 18) I am having family counselling courtesy of this wonderful drink addiction place I attend. It is not just my drinking, the other week my son punched the door as he got a bit of sauce on his top and broke his knuckle. For all my drinking days I have never let them go without and have tried my best. They want me to spend Christmas day with their father, the man who told them to leave me to die!!! which I found out yesterday in the madness, my son screamed it at me. So, how can I sit with a man who has said that to my kids? I cannot and it plays on my mind. I do not like him, I do not wish to be in his company. I have had eighteen years of this. They can have their presents, but I think it may be best to leave it. I feel like an abused woman. I am going to be kind to myself. I will not drink today I know that for sure. It is not easy to stay off the drink when you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall. I think to be honest my sons watch too much violence on television and films and the internet and it does affect them, but I am no one's punch bag. I have dedicated myself to being a mother. I know today they will be all sorry's, just as I feel sorry that I drank. To be honest I just do not know what to do, but I am sure it will work out in the end. Thanks cos I needed to moan and sound off.

[Marshy]

oh my god

hi Maddiva,

That sounds like a horrendous situation. I'd say the important thing is to look after yourself. It sounds like it would be a recipe for disaster if you all spent Christmas Day together.

Your sons are obviously very angry and maybe counselling can help there but in the meantime it's not acceptable for them to be violent towards you, regardless of the "reasons". And tomorrow everyone's emotions will be running high because there's that weird Christmas pressure to get on, people are thrown together who often just shouldn't be together.. and then add alcohol to the mix and watch it all blow up.

Can you take some time out - just stay away from them for a while until things calm down a bit? I hope it works out for you.

[maddiva]

oh my god

I have just spoken to my son via the telephone as he needs to get his pet lizards some food as Christmas Eve is mad for the shops, and he is oblivious to anything. I was asked if I was spending Christmas with his dad and them. I said no. So straight away I become this bad person. The man treated me terribly and I do not like him. I have put my personal feelings aside for some time now for the sake of others. I think it is best to give them their presents to take to their fathers to open them and for them and me to have 'time out'. I love Christmas, I really do, but I would love to know how many of you would spend Christmas Day with an ex-spouse or partner? I have done it for the past 7 years and I feel unable to this year. It has been playing on my mind for some time now. Maybe I need to be a little harder and not so soft. I agree, there is never any excuse for violence. I went to such effort for this christmas and yesterday it went tits up. This is a man who the other week went to my doctor to see if he could section me. My doctor is excellent and said I am not mad!!! Just need to stop drinking which, apart from my blip, I have. I do wonder if I drink due to toxic overload from people.

[keeta]

oh my god

maddiva,
I am so sorry for your situation.
It sounds terribly abusive.
For what ever reason, anger over your drinking, or past behaviours triggering something, I don't feel your son should be allowed to hurt you physically. I honestly think you should speak to a professional councellor maybe they can help?
I also don't think spending the Holidays with an abusive ex is the answer for you either.
I do not know you, maddiva, but I am concerned for your well being,especially if, as you say, your son pulled a knife on you, and your ex told the children to let you die?? (even if in regards to "drinking yourself to death" that is such a horrible thing to say to children about their mother, in my opinion).

I guess I wasn't really any help, but I just wanted yout o know you are in my thoughts.

Please stay safe,

K

[BridgetJones1998]

oh my god

maddiva,
I hope that you can have a better day today. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. As others have said, your safety is of utmost concern here. Your children should not hurt you physically (or mentally for that matter).
I know you are hurting. We are here for you. Even if we don't have all the answers. There is some great advice from others about counselling.

Hugs.

[panadol]

oh my god

Hi Maddiva
Just saw your post. I agree with what the others have said to you.
No human being deserves to be treated with violence. Your ex
sounds like a piece of scum for saying such things to your kids.
Maybe you do drink due to toxic overload from others. Identifying
this may be part of your journey in learning your triggers for
drinking. What screams out to me is that you need to take care
of YOU. Nurture the good things about yourself that you like
I see you doing this by choosing not to drink tomorrow.
Your Sons will just have to keep for now, you have put
yourself in that toxic environment with that awful man year
after year for their sakes but please no more......A good decision
for you. Please take care, we do care about you.
:lPan

[Cinders]

oh my god

Maddiva,

No one, for whatever reasons, EVER should be physically attacked by another.

It is not acceptable.

Period.

Try to find something wonderful to do for Christmas Day. See if there is a place where you can go and help others, such as a homeless shelter. Perhaps you could help serve some dinners?

It is late to be looking for something like that but it sure beats being around those who seek to harm you and may help get your mind off of things.

Stay sober. It is the best course for you right now.

I am thinking of you.
Love,
Cindi

[Skinned Knees]

oh my god

Maddiva,

That is horrible! It sounds to me like your ex is coaching the kids. I think that's really sad. I have seen situations where the ex-spouses throw the children in the middle. In your case, it's one-sided and it sounds like your ex turning your boys against you. Have your boys been to counseling? I think they can benefit from counseling to help them deal their anger and self-control problems.

I wish I had more words of wisdom. :l

SK

[veritas]

oh my god

So sorry to hear aout your pain...

[savon19]

oh my god

Maddiva -

I guess your son is too young to be arrested, because he should have been!! Just because he's your son does NOT give him the right to attack you! And I don't care if you had TEN drinks!!

That is SO horrible.

I humbly disagree with Cindi about going to a homeless shelter (unless you feel like it!). While that's a nice thing to do, I really think you are the one who needs support and love. Do you have any good friends to visit?

If you don't or can't visit, then do something loving towards yourself. Get a pedicure or manicure... or get your hair done. Go see a good movie. Buy Yourself a nice Christmas present!

Wishing you Peace.

[brightlite]

oh my god

Your son has no right to abuse you. That is unacceptable. Your ex sounds like he is poisoning them. There is no reason to put yourself in a situation where you have to be around the ex...and until the son has more respect for you, you need not to be around him. Take care of yourself and try to focus your attention on working hard on yourself and finding other interests.

I abhor abuse in any form!!! Do not allow it!

[bestlifeldms]

oh my god

Maddiva,

I am so sorry that this entire scenario took place. It is not the worst thing, to "not do Christmas" this year. I would make the kids wait until they are home to open the gifts you got them. And, I would NEVER, have a combined Christmas with their Dad, your ex. You choose not to be married anymore for good reasons. It was awkward at first, but establishing my own new traditions with the kids, has lead to many wonderful Chirstmasses. Experiencing "his" Christmas with the kids, as an outsider, would beat down my feelings of self worth. I wouldn't do it. There are healthy boundaries for our lives that protect us from allowing poeple to rob that precious self esteem. Create the life and traditions you want. Tell the kids that since Christmas is out this year, we are going to wait and celebrate on New Years eve/day together! Plan games, music, rent special movies. I found that there came a time when I had to stop letting life happen to me, and had to start making it happen for me. Make sense.

I understand as I'm divorced from my kids dad and we actually lived in different states while raising them. I think it would be advantageous to step back and re-focus your lense so that you can look at the bigger picture here.

Realizing that our sobriety, no matter what the cost, helps every other aspect of our lives. We have to put ourselves first. We have to become healthy in all ways, physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, socially, finanically, etc. By doing that, we elevate ourselves to a new "state of being" so to speak. Our thinking is clearer, our reactions are more socially appropriate... on and on. It is like they tell you in the airplane, before take off. Put your own oxygen mask on first. If you are not "OK" you can't help others.

Obviously you love your kids more that life itself and would do anything for them. It sounds like your son is in great pain! There is a theory in psychology that "Anger is pain unexpressed". Yes, what he did was wrong. But, why is he feeling the way he felt? What is at the root of that? When you are the best person you were intended to be, you can help him to find the root of the pain and process it so that he can handle those types of situations in the future in a socially acceptable way.

It has taken me quite a while to process many, many, many, dymanics that exist in my relationships (hub,kids, employees - etc.) because, they began to happen when I was drinking. These dysfunctional interactions became habititual, because I allowed them. My self esteem was in the can, and I didn't feel that I had the right to expect to be treated better than I was being treated, because I was a closet drunk. Well, I took the power to mistreat / take advantage of me, away from all those other individuals, and reclaimed it for myself. It took time. Everyday that I was AF, I regained more and more self esteem and more and more realistic expectations of how to live a balanced life. Throw in some counseling and lots of reading and ...

There is a recent post in the "Just starting out" titled I'm a loser" by keeta. My reply there references a couple of good books, if you care to look. Boundaries would be the one I would start with. Anyway, just a thought. I hope you achieve exactly what you want and that your family reconciles and goes forward healthy and happy. Merry Christmas, be safe and well! Love, Best