Need Help Hope

[GoldieGirl]

I am new to the forum. I have been watching the posts for a couple weeks and am in awe of the support and caring I feel watching all the interaction. I desperately need support as I have tried to kick this beast numerous times, without success.

I feel like such a fake - no one either family or friends realize how addicted I am to alcohol. I'm a sneaky drinker and a top notch bottle hider. I will go 2 days and not drink and replay in my mind all the reasons I should not drink - health, kids, grandkids, job and I'm sure God doesn't approve. I will be sitting at working planning my evening and then leave work and bam, some force overtakes me, leads me to the store and I purchase some wine and thats that. That first drink tastes lick nectar and I say, just this one more time. This has slowly crept up on me over the last couple years. I use to never drink and alcohol equated pain to me because my ex husband drank himself to death at age 49 and I have 3 sons that are alcoholic. My daughter from my current marriage does not drink, nor does her husband. My current husband is also an alcoholic. I hate alcohol - it is the devil in a bottle and I have lived my adult surrounded by alcoholics and the joke ends up on me, I'm one too. I have read about alcohol, gone to counseling to deal with living with alcoholics and even started an Alanon chapter in my community. So how could this happen to me????

I do not want to loose my family, my health or my life to alcohol and I know it could happen if I don't stop.

Any help, support, words of wisdom - anything will be appreciated. I do have some Kudzu ordered and want to see if that will help with the craving.
Goldie

[dlw]

Need Help Hope

Hi Goldie, Merry Christmas
You have found a great place to be, because we are all her for the same reasons as you have asked, Help - support and words of wisdom. I surfed this web site a year ago before I was able to commit to being AF. When I hit rock bottom in October, I came to this site, with the same pleas that your letter requested. I also am a closet drinker, and I also grew up with alcoholics all around me- mom, grandpa, and my husband currently drinks, but is not an AL. SO you figured out that you want to stop.
Take it one day at a time, and use us as support. We are all in this battle of our lives together-
BTW, I don't do the KUDZU, or anything else, I have the book, and just made a determination that I cannot drink anymore (I am 53 and have been drinking all of my adult life, but turned AL about 10 years ago) I also did AA, but again, MWO has been better for me than any support group could be
SOunds like you have Triggers (like me) that set your drinking in motion- Keep in eye out on those triggers, and watch for the beast that stands behind us all the time, waiting for us to let our guard down.
We are here for you!

[Marshy]

Need Help Hope

Hi GoldieGirl

:welcome:

I've found this site to be a great help. There's lots of info and support here.

I was struck by your comment about leaving work and buying alcohol on the way home. I found that when I was first trying to quit, I had to CHANGE my route home from work to avoid the shops where I usually bought booze. If I passed by them, I was much more likely to go in them, like being on auto pilot. Sometimes I had to go work with no money to make sure that I couldn't buy alcohol. Really annoying (!!) but I needed to get tough with myself.

There are several daily threads here that you could join to get daily help. Have a good look around and see what you think might work for you.

[tlrgs]

Need Help Hope

:hello2::colorwelcome::groupluv::wave: and happy holidays to you and yours

[BridgetJones1998]

Need Help Hope

Welcome Goldie,
You are so courageous to post your story. It is scary to admit you have a problem and put it all out there for others to read, even if you don't know them. You have taken a big step and everyone here has been in a similar situation, feelings of guilt, shame, loss of control, failure, hopelessness. But you don't have live that way anymore. There is so much support here. So much wisdom. So many tips and tools that you can use to help you get through this and come out a strong individual. I am learning and VERY early in my recovery (only day 9 AF) but feel that there are so many wonderful people on these boards who have helped me these past 9 days. THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

Reading the book is the first step and starting the program. The supplements are very helpful in suppressing the cravings. There is a tool box thread located under the Monthly abstinance forum. There are some great reads that can help you started as well.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing Goldie. We are here for you! Hugs!

[Doggygirl]

Need Help Hope

Hi Goldie and welcome to My Way Out. I can relate to the part of the story where you describe the desparate desire to stop drinking, the plan to NOT drink "today," and then the plan derailment and the promise to start on a tomorrow that never comes. That was me for the better part of 30 days. The only difference is that I was NOT able to choose not to drink for a couple days in between here and there.

I have been sober for over 7 months now. If I can, you can.

There are forces at work to keep us drinking that are both physical and psychological. I have found it so helpful to develop a better understanding of amino acid deficiencies that are addressed as part of this program - but maybe not explained in great enough detail. The other supplements - in particular the All One (very rich in amino acids) and the separate L-Glutamine are incredibly helpful to the physical healing process, in my opinion. I also take extra L-Tryptophan which can help your moods by day, and your sleep by night.

While alcoholism is not the main purpose of this book, you might want to read The Diet Cure by Julia Ross which IMO, explains the important role of amino acids in an understandable way. It also explains the symptoms that occur when an amino acid is deficient. Most of us alkies benefit from taking L-Glutamine not becuase it's a magic anti-craving pill, but because we are deficient in that particular amino acid, and when we are deficient the brain needs glucose and screams for sugar - and alcohol IS sugar in our bodies.

Anyway, I forgot to put my standard warning to make yourself a sandwich at the beginning of this now too long post!! But I'm glad to see you here and there IS hope. It's hard work, but the tools help.

Merry Christmas to you,

DG

[Tiresias]

Need Help Hope

Hello GoldieGirl.

You have gotten, and will get, great support here.

I'm just holding out my hand and saying come along and keep trying.

T

[cyclefan]

Need Help Hope

Hi Goldie

I used to plan not to drink every morning in the shower, when I was showering away my hangover. I would forget that plan every evening when I would get home from work. There is some great advice so far, something will strike the right chord with you from here, there is nothing but non-judgmental support at MWO. There is a good thread called "Toolbox" in the Goals section in Monthly Abstinence with some good pointers on how to make a plan. Let us know how we can support you.

[GoldieGirl]

Need Help Hope

Thank you to all your responses. From my research over the years I do believe that alcoholism, as diabeties, depression and so many other illness are based in part on a chemical imbalance in our bodies. I have always been a depressive person and had to take anitdepresents to not be cry all day. I have had a lot of life stressors, as does everyone and I have always had to be the strong daughter, mother, friend, spouse, etc....I am a co-dependant person that doesn't know how to say "NO" to anyone. I am wracked with guilt if on a rare occasion I have to say no, due to having other plans. I've canceled plans, changed plans and not made plans to accomadate everyone else.

Many years ago, while dealing with others alcohol issues I read that alcohol can become your best friend. It is always there, doesn't judge you, makes you feel good, is available whenever you need it. The devil did his homework on this one.....it sucks you in and drains the life out of you. You hate, despise and loathe this monster, but it is always there waiting paitently for you, when no one else does. It loves you no matter what you say or do, why wouldn't you love it back.

I agree and understand and have many times thought I should change my route home to avoid where I stop to buy. I feel one of the big things I need to somehow define is my trigger points that override my intelligent understanding that throws caution and my life to the wind.

Blessed Christmas to all,
Goldie

[Seacailin]

Need Help Hope

Hello Goldie
A big welcome to you. Wow, are we related? LOL. I have always had to be the "strong" one in the family too. I am very uncomfortable with emotions. I am also a caretaker and people pleaser; also find it very difficult to say no. We have alot in common. I look forward to getting to know you. Best wishes as you begin your journey.

[GoldieGirl]

Need Help Hope

I made it through Christmas Day, Day 1 for my new beginning. I am focusing on Day 2 - today and I can feel the struggle already & it makes me mad. I had this big long talk with myself yesterday - it's Christmas, a new beginning, a time for renewal but in the back of my mind I've been hearing the "voice" saying, hey, wait until the 1st of the year, that is the best time to start anew. You deserve it, after the busy hectic Christmas you had, one more bottle of wine won't kill you and on and on.

My husband bought me a bottle of wine for Christmas and I bought a bottle of rum on Christmas Eve to add to our Egg Nog. BUT for the 1st time in I don't know how long we didn't have our Christmas Morning Egg Nog & Rum. Didn't open either.

I look at my 6 beautiful grandchildren and want to be here for their graduations, weddings and their children. I have a daughter that is my best friend and I have such pride and joy in her and her family. My 3 sons are alcoholics so I am wracked with the guilt that they not only got the genetics to drink from their father, but me also....it's like they are doomed. I found something out a couple weeks ago that totally shocked me. There are 20 yrs between my sister and myself (38-58) and she told me when she was growing up mom drank heavily and she believes she was an alcoholic - and her father was also an alcoholic. (I never knew my grandfather.) I knew mom drank sometimes but not to the extent my sister told me about.

Thank you for listening. I have to get over this - I want so badly to conquer it but its such a powerful force. I am praying and trying to turn this over to God and that isn't easy for a person that always has to control everything. How ironic - I want to control everything but I can't control myself.

Blessings to all today.
Goldie

[veritas]

Need Help Hope

Goldie, I can relate to so much you say.

You sound like a very kind and loving person. Being an alcoholic does not take that away from you.

I think that alcohol robs us of our power and our courage, but it does not make us worthless. It sounds to me as though you are feeling pretty worthless.

Hang in there with the rest of us. We are all hoping and trying for a new life. Good luck.

[upnorthgirl]

Need Help Hope

Goldie girl

Congrats on making it through Christmas clean and sober. :goodjob: I made it too! We sound very much alike--caegivers who try and try again. WE CAN DO THIS! There is so much love and support here--in fact, I just posted at the ODAT thread and said that the only reason I did not drink last night--I was crying and depressed--was because I wanted to come here today and say I made it.

This forum and the MWO book and CD's and all the people here are my saving grace. I feel wrapped in supportive hugs :l and it is so great.

Take care, be strong...and figure out what the "grandmother of the bride/groom" will be wearing years from now! Imagine people saying, "Is that her GRANDMoTHER? Wow, she's hot!"

[Doggygirl]

Need Help Hope

Congratulations Goldie and also upnorthgirl! I know that voice in the head all too well. He's a liar of huge proportions.

* Booze is NOT a reward - it's a punishment.
* Booze does NOT make anything better - it makes things worse.
* Bozoe does NOT make the holidays merrier - it leads us to doing things we regret or can't remember.

Not to mention the hangovers! I love waking up feeling good each and every day!

So don't be listening to AL. It's hard at first, but it DOES get easier over time. The cravings will be fewer and less intense. You just have to hunker down and get through the first couple of months.

Best wishes!

DG

[maddiva]

Need Help Hope

DEAR GOLDIE. SEASONS GREETINGS. I am not sure what to say, other than you know what you want and need - so go for it. I am and determined. Faltered the other day, but I am human!!! I also think drink is like the devil, but I wonder if alcoholism or whatever you want to label it is a disease of the spirit. Not sure what it is, but I want life without it and want my self respect back and also not to die a young age to the bottle, which as you stated regards your ex-husband, he was young and it is slowly increasing that more people are dying due to alcohol and younger too. Do not want to be a statistic, but a success story. You can become your own success story and stop the cycle. I think reading posts that lots of us are close to the other alcoholics, I know I was, and at times I have felt well, it is my destiny. But it is not. We have to power to control our own destiny. The future and destiny is in your hands and not in the bottle. YOU CAN DO IT AND BREAK THE CHAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:h