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My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

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    #1

    My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

    Hello,

    I have become more comfortable since joining this thread and have met wonderful people, such as you, who bother to read my story. Please forgive the selfish nature of this post, but I need some help.

    My father left me when I was 7, and would show up intermittantly here and there the rest of my life. Last Thanksgiving (07) he called to let me know he has pancreatic cancer. At 225 pounds and 5' 9" he was always built stocky; when I last saw him he was not the physical man I remember from my youth at 138 pounds, yet the anger he has carried his whole life was there in full force.

    He lives in Boston, and I live in Florida. I took some time to see him last summer, left my child and wife at home with friends and family, and ventured out to 'connect' somehow. He was weak, but loves golf. While golfing, I was social with the couple we were paired with and he was quiet. Stating, "Today is a waste. This might be my last day on Earth and you are wasting it talking to people you will never see again. You should have just stayed home." Got drunk that night with Crown Royal.

    I try to call every weekend, end up leaving a voice mail and getting drunk those nights.

    I know I am blessed to have a wonderful/loving wife and child; yet I get so angry/hurt. I have been to counselors and appreciate their advice, but find the inner work difficult with Alcohol (of course). So...as I approach another weekend (which as a binge drinker is my downfall) and deal with the call I recieved yesterday from the hospital in Boston which told me his cancer has now spread to his liver and he will not be going home....I wonder, "Can I really do this?".

    Angry/Hurt/and yet hopeful the pain will end for both of us soon.
    My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"
    Tags: None
    #2
    My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

    Hey Aidan.

    Your story touches me. I wish I could offer some kind of advice. The only thing I can say is that I hope you will not drown your sorrows and make things worse for you. just keep posting. we are all listening.

    :l
    AF since 15th March 2010

    The journey is the goal. As long as you're fighting the good fight and you're not giving up on giving up, you're winning. It's not about how often you get knocked down, it's about how often you get up again. Sobriety the goal for sure. But striving to get to that goal is what it's about. Not getting there. Because the journey never ends. The journey is the goal.

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      #3
      My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

      Thanks J; I will treat myself well this weekend and deal with life one beautiful moment at a time.
      My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"

      Comment

        #4
        My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

        Hi Aidan
        I hear your pain, and it is the pain of that seven year old loosing his Papa. You could not do anything then about it but you can now- you can look after yourself be good to yourself be gentle and get therapy if u feel u need it.
        Luv T

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          #5
          My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

          Irish, you made/helped me cry. What the f***? Does this ever end? Holy crap, I feel like the more I let out the less control I have over it. S***! I have to get a hold of this, or I'm gunna lose it. Breathe....

          Thank you Irish....thank you. You obviously touched on something; it could explain why I hug my son so much. Think?
          My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"

          Comment

            #6
            My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

            Aidan,
            So sorry to hear this about your father. No matter how far parents push their children away the children always have such a strong bond to them like you have with your father. Know that you loved him the best that you could and be at peace with that. You are doing a great job with not recreating the same situation with your son and yes lots of hugs are good.
            "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

            Comment

              #7
              My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

              Thanks Beaches; Big Hug
              My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"

              Comment

                #8
                My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                As sad as your relationship (such as it is?) has been with your father, it served a purpose in your life... to make you "hug your son" a LOT. While your father damaged you emotionally, you will not pass that on. Your son will benefit!

                I thought it interesting that you said your father "left me" vs. "left us". I'm sure your mother (or finances or lack of commitment, etc. etc...) was the main reason he left. You were just collateral damage. I can't believe that a 7 yr. old child would be the main reason, yet that's what your words implied.

                I can see how having a good and loving relationship with your own son makes you realize "what could have been" with your father. It's as much his loss as it is yours. But, most important: it is NOT your fault!

                Your father made the choices he did, and he's probably full of regret, thus his bitterness. You can't cure him on any level. But you CAN be cured "of him".

                Maybe send some flowers with a note that you forgive him (if you can) and wish him peace. That could be a step in forgiving Yourself. Even though you did nothing wrong, I agree with Irish that it seems your 7 yr. old mind thinks you did.

                (I think we're comprised of all the ages we've experienced, culminating in the age we are right now. But sometimes we get stuck at certain ages where we've experienced trauma... Speaking as an amateur shrink!)

                I don't know if that makes any sense?

                I'm learning (slowly!) that alcohol doesn't lift my depression/mood. It disguises it for a period of time, only to leave me back where I was. Actually, leaving me worse, because then I have to deal with getting drunk on top of everything else!!

                I know it's hard for you. I'm very sorry for what you have been through, but you are blessed, as you say, with a loving family. And your future is bright, since you will Not end up a bitter, old man...
                Sometimes you have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down... Anais Nin

                Comment

                  #9
                  My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                  I am so sorry you are going through this AD. There is some wonderful advice above. Many people in this MWO community have lived with or have been abandoned by alcoholic parents and are dealing with those issues now also... and have been for many years. There are some very wise people who can offer some advice to you.

                  All I know is that from what I have read from you posts, you are a wonderful, loving and caring husband and father who needs some closure on this. As you said, working through the internal issues is tough. And I'm sure the work has been difficult and likely stalled by the drinking. It has been my experience that now that I am NOT drinking, I am no longer numb. I am beginning to feel. I am beginning to feel some wonderful new feelings that I haven't felt in years. I have felt happiness when I hug my child or my husband. I am laughing at work. But I have also cried more than I have in a long while. The 6th anniversary of my younger sisters death approaches this week and I can hardly stand it. Try to stay strong and alcholol free during this tough time and remember that even though you may "think" that alchol will make it better. It won't do that. It will only prolong dealing with these issues. And realize that you will have some down times but the incredible love that you will experience from you your family as a sober man is not comparable to anything alcohol can give you.

                  You're in my thoughts and prayers. Big hug to you.
                  Bridget

                  " little by little, we travel far "
                  - Tolkein

                  Comment

                    #10
                    My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                    With tears in my eyes; I am truly grateful for all of you. Would type more, but hard to see through the water in my eyes. Back in a bit.
                    My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"

                    Comment

                      #11
                      My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                      Dear Aidenspappa, I have not walked in your shoes, and I will not pretend that I have all the answers for you. I can tell you I feel great empathy for you at this difficult time, and my heart goes out to you and your family. Your father may have not been the best dad in the world, its very clear he had some personal issues and demons he had to wrestle to leave his young son. The best advice I could ever give is that you forgive him as difficult as it may be, and you must realize he has walked his own path of hell. In forgiveness there is great power in healing. I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries, please forgive me if I have. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
                      I LOVE MY SEROTONIN AND BOOZE SCREWS IT UP!!!!!

                      Comment

                        #12
                        My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                        My dear friend,

                        I would not share such pain without seeking advice/experience/opinions from caring individuals like yourself; I hold you and every one who takes the time to share my pain in such high regard there is no such 'boundary' to cross. I see it rather as a chance to explore boundaries outside of my own limitations; however near or far out they may seem.

                        Namaste
                        My creed; "Be the friend you seek, the spouse yours deserves and the Parent your children need"

                        Comment

                          #13
                          My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                          I read you story and my heart feels for you. I have never been in your situation so I cannot offer any help. Keep strong.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                            You are doing so well... keep on doing what you are doing, OK? Feel what there is to feel, without alcohol; learn from your own life and your father's life; be determined to live a good and meaningful life, as a father, husband, friend, and as a light in the world. So far as we know.... we only get this one shot at being human. It feels good to do it as well as possible, even when the painful parts are right in our faces.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              My Father is Dying...and its killing me.

                              Aidan,:l

                              This is a very emotional time for you. It's not only about approaching death, but also about a life never lived. The loss started long, long ago. Take time to weep, it's ok. Just don't give up on yourself.

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