some days are diamonds, some days are stones

[upnorthgirl]

Hey, everyone, just ckecking in. I have been reading lots of the posts and I am sooo amazed at how great everyone is doing. congrats! For those of us who have slipped, we have a Day one ahead of us with the most wonderful support group ever! I so appreciate the help and kind words, and the advice, especially about the "mother situation" as I call it. You are all right, I need to distance myself to protect myself.

Yesterday i saw the therapist and it was tough. I played a tape of SOME of those hateful phone calls. We did a lot of talking, I cried profusely--and I am not a pretty crier! I admitted to her that I think my family would have been better off if two years ago, when my mother was at death's door after a months-long drinking binge--God, this is so difficult to say!

I said we all might have been better off if she had died. How terrible is that? I feel like shit but part of it is true. :upset: She is mean and miserable and unhappy and destroys everyone and everthing in her path. She hates everyone including herself. Yes, we would have grieved for the loss of the woman she was and could be, but that woman is gone.

After a period of grieving we could have gotten our lives back on track, resumed normal behavior, lived normal--not fearful and distressing lives. Maybe we could be happy and even have a conversation that did not involve what to do about mother's behavior?

Is that a horrid thing to think? My therapist says not, but I wonder. God, I don't want my children to ever think that about me. Or my husband to ever think about the things he could do is not saddled with a drunk.

Anyway, that is where I am now. Last night I informed my family that I am distancing myself from our mother---kind of hoping they would relay the message to her. Guess I have to do it myself but am not looking forward to it. Some of my siblings think I am being cruel--some agree I need to protect myself.

[sunshine_gg]

some days are diamonds, some days are stones

Sweetie, you have every right to distance and protect yourself.

And, I certainly can see where/why you would be feeling the way you do - and no, it's not wrong, or terrible. It just is. And that's not YOUR fault.

A big hug to you - I hope she will not be able to hurt you anymore like this! :l

[cyclefan]

some days are diamonds, some days are stones

upnorthgirl, your story is so sad. a friend of mine recently went through something similar with his 87 year old mother, and he chronicled it on his blog. The way he has it put together it goes from the end to the beginning and you have to click the link at the bottom of the page for the first five parts. The part about distancing yourself resonated, it is exactly what my friend had to do, he writes very honestly about how emotional that was for him, yet how liberating as well. No hard feelings if you don't read, I only offer it if you or any others feel a need to take a look. I hold you in my thoughts.

Helen Chronicles | FarrFeed

[BridgetJones1998]

some days are diamonds, some days are stones

upnorth, your feelings are your feelings and they are justified. you have every right to them. we put ourselves through so much guilt over everything we do. we need to learn that it is ok to own our own feelings. i hope there is an end to your pain sometime soon.

you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Aussie Chick]

some days are diamonds, some days are stones

Hi Upnorthgirl, I had to do the same with my Mum 7 years ago. It was incredibly hard but I was unwell (not alcohol related) and couldn't carry her burdens anymore. A few months later she did hit rock bottom, ended up in hospital and from there went on to finally admit she had an alcohol problem, joined AA and it is the best thing she has ever done. She (and I mean she, not me or anyone else) turned her life around and has not looked back since. We were there for her during her recovery and very supportive, but until she decided to help herself there was absolutely nothing anyone else could do except watch and keep picking up the pieces.

Whether your Mum decides to tackle this problem and succeeds or whether she doesn't - it is not you or anyone else putting the bottle to her lips - it is her. It is very hard to walk away and I know my Mum is one of the lucky ones, many more don't make it, but at the end of the day, you could get dragged down with her if you do not protect yourself.

Please don't waste time on guilt. You haven't done anything wrong.
AC x x

[johnnyh]

some days are diamonds, some days are stones

Hey Upnorth. Hope you are feeling alright. I've gone through a situation with a family member of mine which was similar and I did distance myself for several month. (in actual fact I took a work opportunity abroad for a couple of months trying to get away.) In my case it kind of helped. Just around christmas time this year things were a lot better and I spent a lot of time again. Just be patient. She's gotta make a decision for herself and it is beyond her control. And than in time living sober you might find common ground again?!! Time does heal! Lots of luv.