So Sad - I screwed up

[time2live]

Hi Everyone,

I guess I'm in need of encouragement. I have lurked here for a long time and finally drank all the wine in the house, read the book, got all my vitamins in order and decided to go alcohol free. I normally drink wine every single night. I never skip an evening.

Well I lasted for six nights and actually was very proud of myself and thinking it wasn't too difficult. On the seventh night, my husband and I went out for dinner and there was waiting room at the bar only and I decided I could have one glass of wine (I'm an idiot). So I did, went home, had no more until two nights later when there was a cocktail party. I had one glass, came home and had two more. THen I started up again the same as before only I notice I'm drinking a bit more now than I did before I tried to quit.

And so now here I am again with everything in order, other than I have a few more bottles of wine to finish up. I'm going to try it again beginning mid-week this week. Now I'm beginning to think that modding won't work. Does it really, truly work for some people? I think it may not for me anyway. Wow, I am not nearly so confident that I can do this this time. It makes me so sad that I screwed up. And its taken me two months of drinking since then to reach this point where I think I'll try again.

Do you all think modification really does work for some people?

Time2live

[vertigo]

So Sad - I screwed up

Do not beat yourself up! You're not bad, and you're not an idiot. You should be proud of having gone 6 days AF especially for someone who never missed a night! So you know you can do that. It seems, to me, that maybe you became over-confident in your ability to manage control, but that's not bad - maybe it's more of a possitive to kind of rein you back in again. Do you want to MOD or do you want to be AF? Some people can mod, and some cannot.
Stay strong and don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep trying to do, for you, what you need.

[vertigo]

So Sad - I screwed up

Incidentally, maybe you should just throw those other bottles out, instead of "finishing them up"!

[Rags2riches]

So Sad - I screwed up

Time2live - You are NOT alone - I am right there with you. I trick myself into buying a bottle of wine on the way home from work and tell myself "after the kids are in bed, you can have a glass." Hmm- somewhere in between a glass and looking at the empty bottle, I fail miserably. That's when I decide that at this time in my life, moderation is not an option. This does not mean that I have been successful in quiting. I am still fighting the battle daily and have only gone 3 days in a row. You are a great person and are doing great!! Hang in there and stay close to your support group!!!

[stopthecycle]

So Sad - I screwed up

You are not alone & like the previous posts-don't beat yourself up you did 6 days! Try again & go ODAT. I'm on day 10 and like you I drank A LOT of wine. Right now I am doing AF (day by day) and trying not to think about modding in the future. I tried in the past and ended back to my binging ways so....It sounds cliche but you really need to take ODAT or in my case sometimes it's 1 minute at a time as I miss my wine sooooo much :sigh:

[Wannabsober]

So Sad - I screwed up

I am beginning to wonder the same thing about myself. A few months back I was successful at modding. Unfortunately taking all the supps got to be tiresome and I pretty much quit that all together, even skipped some days of my topa accidentally. So new years eve I got trashed.
A few days ago I started back on the supps and topa and last night I got so drunk at a bar I made an ass out of myself calling all my friends late at night trying to find a ride home. I am thinking the one thing that is lacking this time is the self confidence that I CAN do it. The first time I started I was so excited, feeling the cravings subside and having the confidence that this is going to work for me. I don't know why but having failed the one time just knocked me down and I am having a hard time finding that confidence again.
I actually got on this forum today to write and see if anyone else felt that this battle against the bottle doesn't just lie in the magic pills, but more in our hearts and mind.

[evergreen]

So Sad - I screwed up

There are no magic pills. They may help but it truly is up to us and we CAN do it!! My phrase for 2009 is timshel (From East of Eden) it translates as Thou Mayest. Thou mayest drink but better yet thou mayest NOT. I am beginning to realize that I am happier not but it has been a long process. Lots of slips along the way but with each one I realize that I am learning or have learned something. Something about myself . . . something about my triggers. Each time I don't drink I have come away with the realization of how positive it was. How good it felt to remember every conversation and enjoy the company. All that being said (and I am sorry I am a little long winded), I am still trying really hard. It is not easy and I think about it more than I wish I did. My goal for 2009 is let this tiger's tail I hold GO!!!

Evergreen

[A Work in Progress]

So Sad - I screwed up

whosyourmama;515996 wrote:
I actually got on this forum today to write and see if anyone else felt that this battle against the bottle doesn't just lie in the magic pills, but more in our hearts and mind.

Absolutely! I think you'll find many here who agree totally with your statement... changing our thinking patterns, letting go of the lies we get fed (and feed ourselves) about alcohol (for example, thinking that it's a reward, or a compensation for something), learning to cope with emotions and urges and cravings and plain old hard times, without turning to alcohol, nurturing and cultivating our own commitment and determination to live a good, healthy, meaningful life: that's really the whole thing, right there. If medicine and supplements are helpful, then that's great. But it's a small part of the real game.

[lil.michelle]

So Sad - I screwed up

You have to be a strong person to be able to mod. NOt many can but a few can. I sure as hell can't.
You know what, tip the wine down the sink.. Don't drink it. What's the point... What will it do? NOTHING! Starting NOW will really help you feel confident.
Join us, keep posting, stay close and good luck.

[SAUSAGE]

So Sad - I screwed up

T2L

Welcome back and firstly don't beat yourself up - you have made huge progress in;
firstly identifying your problem and doing something about it
doing your 6 AF days - a huge step forward for someone who was a daily drinker
Coming back here - admitting it and wanting to start all over again WELL DONE - you obviously have determination, honesty and guts so look at this positively.

Before replying to your post I had a quick look back at your previous posts and read some of them again including your first ever post / story from back in Sept 08 - you sounded EXACTLY like me ie a daily drinker -drank every evening even if you went out and hadn't drank much, watched tv and spent evenings drinking- That was exactly me and quitting that kind of daily habit is really tough.

Regarding your question about modding I would anwer it by actually asking another;

Yes some people do seem to mange to mod successfully by sheer will power (and others don't) - but if you had a daily habit that was getting you down and you wanted to crack it would you want to mod? or learn to forget about the buzz / addiction and learn to start a new way of life that you enjoy in other healthier ways and move on ie learn to live and enjoy yourself without a chemical influencing your brain?

Modding is incredibly difficult and if you were really addicted sufficiently to drink daily I would guess it would take an incredible amount of willpower - ie think about it...

when can you next allow yourself to have alcohol - what occasions are justified - will you mentally extend the weekends, the special occasions etc etc in order to justify it more and more

if so how much will you allow yourself to drink?

if you do have alcohol, will you stop?

are the days when you do not allow yourself to drink poorer quality because you couldn't have a drink?

after a day when you drank it's going to be 10 x as hard to not drink the next day - just like after your AF spell was broken you were a while before you could psych yourself up to start again

Will alcohol become like forbidden fruit - when it's rationed and you'll want more and more or focus on it more and more like a dieter might think more and more about chocolate?

I couldn't live with the agony of all that - besides ive tried to mod on more than one occasion and it doesn't work for me - It's not possible for me to say whether it would be the same for you , all i'm saying is moderation is not the easy way out - I think it's the harder route personally - but it's up to you.

By the way - I wouldn't finish all that wine you've got left - i'd either tip it out / or give it away - my Grandad successfuly quit smoking by giving away his last few packs and never touching another - it can be done.

Good luck on your journey - PM me if you want to discuss this further

As a further motivatior - if you haven't read it already - have you read doggygirls "my new story" in the my story section - she had several goes at trying to go AF and then succeeded - look at the whole thing and her before and after pictures and read about her new life without AL - it that doesnt' make you determined, I don't know what will.

Lots of us have more than one go before we succeed - the only time you truly fail is the last time you try - keep going, keep reading, keep posting and take care.

Sausage xx

[time2live]

So Sad - I screwed up

You guys are unbelieveably great. It is just awesome that you are so understanding and so very supportive. I think one thing that could have helped me last time was to post more while I was trying to be alcohol free. I will definitely do that this next time. I agree I was over-confident. You can bet I'm not anymore, in fact, I'm so afraid I'll fail. The other thing this has really proven to me is that I am addicted to alcohol. In the past I guess I knew I was but I had a lot of excuses.

I understand why so many of you say to toss the wine out. It's just that I really have to psych myself up and one thing I've been telling myself is that when I'm done with all the wine, I will not buy more. That's what I did last time too. I wish I was strong enough to do dump it, but I know I'm not. For me this is saying goodbye to a friend I spent my evenings with for years. See, an excuse again!!

I sure see that I'm a person who makes excuses. I'm at least learning a lot about myself. I kept saying, well, Thanksgiving is coming so with all the guests, I must have a glass of wine. Christmas is coming, Christmas parties, etc. Now we're going south in three weeks so I find myself thinking, gosh that nice warm weather -- I want to sit on the lanai and have a glass of wine. It is so much a part of my life.

Your posts are so inspiring and I realize I need your help and support. I will do the ODAT thinking rather than thinking "I will never drink again". On the other hand, I don't think I'd better drink again as I don't think I can mod. Something else I found out about myself.

One other inspirational conversation I had recently -- an acquaintance, 55 years old, told me she went to her class reunion and got loaded -- sloppy, slurring, etc. She said "you know, being that way is really not attractive at all to anybody and I have not had a drink since that day, I really embarassed myself and learned my lesson". Why make yourself come off that way? For some reason, that really resounded with me. I hate it when people call me in the evenings because I know I'm that sloppy talker also. I'm going to do this.................................

[upnorthgirl]

So Sad - I screwed up

Start fresh, but start NOW. Do not "finish up" the wine in the house--how did it get there again? DUMP it.

Mod may work for some people but for me, personally, it does not. I know this, I accept it. Every time I had tried "just one drink" I end up drunk and stupid. I embarrass myself and those who care about me. I am ruining my health.

You can do this...starting now.

[keeper]

So Sad - I screwed up

Oh, I've been there a thousand times. Some days are good and others are not so good. Hugs to you time2live.

[j-vo]

So Sad - I screwed up

Hi Time2live,
As far as modding working or not, I read a long time ago that it depends where you are with your drinking. My drinking has been ongoing for 20 years, getting so much worse the last 7 or so years. I've tried modding, but to no avail. Once I start with a few, the next several weeks I add, and add more. I'd written up a list of modding goals for myself. It was a great frickin' list! Was perfect, if I may say so myself. It was my idea of what a person who drinks moderately should be, but even less. But it didn't work. I got extremely depressed, started going downhill once again. I think my drinking time has taken a toll on my body and mind, and I was too far into this hole to think I could mod, but didn't want to admit it.

Yes, it works for some. But a lot of us here need to evaluate ourselves honestly. When I do that, I'm not a person who can drink normally or used any "drug" normally. I can make a list about a mile long that states the stupid things I've done, how drinking has drug me through the mud.

Read and learn from the posts here. Everyone has so much to give, and we learn one day at a time. I'm learning, and I suppose will be forever. I will wake up each day and make a promise to myself that I won't drink, and I will read my list as to why I should not. We need to remember every single day and not get lax. Good luck to you. Whatever decision you make, you're going forward.

j-vo

[CS04]

So Sad - I screwed up

Time2Live,
Give the wine to a friend if you really can't bring yourself to dump it out. Or pour it into ice cube trays, freeze it and use it in cooking later (as Martha Stewart used to say) -- unless you think you would really suck on a frozen wine-cube! LOL.