I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

[sumobaby]

Hi all, i remember that last time i joined this forum was around June 18th, the day when i stay AF and confident..in October i slipped after 4 months being AF after my friends asked me out. I had a terrible hangover then, i drank too much.

Again , i try..staying AF for another 2 months. It was near Christmas..and new year then..i started drinking on these holidays occasions. I thought, well, its okay to be happy and celebrating in 'moderate' I knew i felt terrible cos i couldn't concentrate after each episode of the drinking session. i was wondering could it be also due to some reasons which i faced recently..due to some personal and family issues.

I also cant deny that whenever i drink, i am terribly depressed, i would cry at almost every drinking session. And all those confusing feelings which i cant explain why would follows especially the next day and THAT would made me terribly upset.

I know my after bouts of hangover,throwing, palpitations,sleeping problems which affected me the next few days saddened my family & my love ones..coz they thought why am i back to drinking again after 4 months being AF,i felt i let them down and felt ashamed coz thats when i started to make them trust me staying AF or moderate in drinking..but i really am confused this time,..the first thing that came to my mind is come back here before things gets worst again. I need help badly.

Regards
sumobaby

[Red]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Keep your chin up! There is no "handbook" on how to stay sober AND we have all slipped before. You are definately not alone in this battle. That's why every day we can get up and try again. I try to only do this one day at a time because anything further ahead than that seems impoosible to me personally right now. I'm not planning ahead for anything other than today. You can do this!! We're all here for you. When you feel like crap ~ keep yourself busy and keep posting.

[sumobaby]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Hi Red,
Thank you..I thought i could have achieved drinking in moderate since i was AF for 4 months. and able to stay AF for another 2 months after that..but i guess i was wrong..it seems the quantity or amounts is adding on..i knew oh no..and kept asking myself why is that again? I really felt like crap although its not a everyday thing but it seems the intervals grew closer and shorter each time i drank.

Regards. Have a nice day ~

[sumobaby]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Hi Wally,
Thank you so much. I dunno why i just cant help the feeling of i wanted to drink but in 'moderates' only on special days or some occasion to where i have no excuse to say i need a drink at home. Drinking makes me happy when it started,,,,then it would went downnnnnnn down and down to where i would break down and cry loads. I am still having this withdrawal right now, cos i am still feeling so dull and kinda blur. I am happy to know i am still sitting here alone in my home typing and posting on my way out forum.

Regards and much love.

[Seacailin]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You have done this, and will do it again.

[UKSean]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

To sumobaby

All I can do is tell you of some things that helped me.

I think a lot of people on here have heard me say before that a slip is a part of recovery.
and can really help for the future.....How can that be? here is what I have learned and hopefully it may help you.

I think back to the what led up to the drinking again, thoughts,actions,incidents. I write them down if I have to. This can help in the future to avoid these slips..

Sometimes I would forget about the "bad" times and "miss" the good old times.
This is what helps me; I have written down my life story all the horrible gory details.The shame,the regrets, how I felt when I woke up with a hangover laying in my own stink. How I would hang my head in shame and avoid peoples eye's. I was brutally honest with what I wrote as nobody was to see this but me (Actually I did end up sharing it with a recovery group, but that was my decision) When I get "better" and I think of drinking again I take a trip down memory lane and read my story over again It reminds me of the Sean who cannot drink, who cant just drink a few and be OK.The Sean who's life is completely out of control when he drinks. That inner Sean who only comes out when he drinks and completely takes over the good,decent and kind Sean.
I keep that story in a place I can get to whenever I need it.
It's not just a story, it's a mirror to the past, to the Sean I have to fight to keep away from.
This is the best thing I can do, that works for me.
Every now and then I take a trip to skid row or to the local soup kitchen, and I look around
"There but for the grace of God go I "
Remembering the "good old times" can be fun, but living them for me IS HELL.
Keep coming back here, keep posting when someone new shows up here share your story that too will help you.
WOW Sorry I didn't mean to ramble on so long
Most of all keep your head up this is not a weakness, it's a disease. If you saw a diabetic giving themselves an insulin shot you wouldnt think them weak.
The only insulin I have as an Alcoholic is you,IAD,startingover,shecailin MWO My programme and everything else it takes to get me through today.
Sean...

[A n d r e w]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Very well said Sean!
I cannot agree more. When I start to remember the Good ol' times that I had, I can also remember the bad'ol times. The times when I made a complete fool out of myself and wondered what I did or said the evening before. And not only that, the good times could have been better if I wasn't completely sauced. I lost the woman of my dreams about a year ago because of AL. Not from being drunk when she was around but the after effects of depression and anxiety is what drove her away.
Like Sean said.......Just take a wander past the shelter or soup kitchen and reality will slap you in the face.. There are so many cool things in life to be discovered when you are AF. The same way we discovered AL and made our lives unmanagable.
Keep your head up! Just keep trying and remember that tommorrow the sun will rise and bring forth a new day. Keep posting on this site. It has made it a lot easier for me.
You know you can do this!
Take Care!

[upnorthgirl]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

I agree

I like ean's idea of writing down the good and bad of drinking. I think someone suggested that somewhere a few weeks ago. It might hlep clarify things.

Also--and this was part of my ongoing therapy homeworl--my children and husband and selected friends and family wrote letters of their observations about my drinking, how they elt and how it affected us all. This was VERY painful to read--how could I have caused so much pain, hurt and regret?

But it is helpful also.

[j-vo]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Sumababy,
Hang in there. I think we both went AF at the same time. I also went back on the sauce and experience these horrific bouts of depression. I think that's our systems telling us that AL is not agreeing with us - that we just don't belong together. You have people concerned about you and love you. They are your support and we are here for you too. Great decision to come back.

[sumobaby]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Hi All, Thank you so much for the wonderful replies..I'm determined to do that all over again, I drank loads for the past 3 days again... and i really have to agree that its the after bouts of depression really made me feel so disgusted, and causing pains to people around us. But one thing I know for sure is after two weeks of terrible drinking, at least i realized sooner this time knowing something is real wrong and need to seek help fast!

Sean , thank you so much for sharing with me, i felt so much motivated and knowing that we can do much better in the future after slipping. And J-vo, thank you so much. I definitely agree with you about our system is telling us that AL is not agreeing with us. That is why i i know i prefer the days when in sobriety, cos i know i definitely feels better!

I explained to my mom today, and was surprised she listened to my drinking problems and i want to re-do all over again and this time i chose not to be a moderate. Because i know i cant. And i have to be honest with that. I am so happy, she trust me this time.

And my bf who is in the states now is giving me alot of support. I am so touched that he even kept his cam on while i was going thru that horrible withdrawals and hangovers. I felt like crap. That makes me feel so bad for all the nonsense i have been giving him last 2 weeks when i drank heavily. He told me he is very proud of me for not drinking for so long the last time I stayed AF, and praise my sobriety.

Thank you everyone, I could not have make it if not for this wonderful forum and all the amazing members in here. And to rely on God.

Have a blessed day

[sumobaby]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

i can't stand the withdrawal symptoms..and please tell me i am not alone....this is the first time i am typing here while trying to calm myself down with beer...i screamed at my family, went all bongus like a mad woman... i wanted to packed and ran away...but knowing that i will come to no end or even more worst....i stay put and in my mom house for the first time to let it all out...i knew i hurt them..i made them cry...but i thought..this is the only way to HURT me and let me feel how difficult i am to them...and to be honest i look like a mad woman when i behave like that...

i made my daughter sat down beside me..and for the first time, showing her this forum...the only way i could convey myself...the only way i could express and let them know it is a behavior, and i truly need alot of understanding and i truly need help....i need help....I really feel like giving up and just jump off the building...I felt like a failure...

[matthen]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Dear Sumo Baby

If you do need help, you will find it. You have a lot of people here on MWO who care about you deeply and want to help. Also, maybe in your area there are groups who are willing to help alcoholics like me and you and all our MWO friends. Is there someone you can ask to help in finding a place to turn to. Maybe your Mom or your daughter can help you find a place to turn to.

I do hope that you keep posting here, it helps a lot. It has helped me stay sober. Let us know how you are doing often and God bless you. There is a way out for us.

[last call]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

I'd go to an AA meeting if I were you and just let it all out. You'd be surprised how many people feel the same way you do. Is that an option for you? They always help me when I'm going off the deep end. Let's us know how you're doing. :elk:

[dlw]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Hi Sumo, Wow, you and I must be soul mates- I had a 1 day relapse- this week, after 100 days AF. THe guilt that I blew it was beyond what I could of imagined,(not to mention getting sick, and a huge hangover) I got back to this sight, and asked for support. And Everyone pulled me through, and I am AF again. I know i will Never BE ABLE TO MODERATE, NEVER EVER NEVER! I am a booze guzzler, I am a closet drinker, I know my triggers, and I have that to fight every day for the rest of my life. The beast tapped me on my shoulder this past week, and I didnt fight it hard enough.
Stay close, we are a family nest, and take care of each other

[sumobaby]

I'm back and I felt depressed and terrible...

Hi dlw, thank you.. but it seems after drinking on christmas..i am unable to stop..the more i wanted to stay AF, the more rush i would feel..its like im rushing to drink more before i became AF again. I knew i can never stay moderate. cos once i start, i look for more. I am so disappointed with myself why cant i do it this time round? to jump back in and stay sober. how you do it again dlw? I am very proud of you.