Newbies Nest

[MWOLady]

Newbies Nest

Why I drank

I realize now that I drank to mask unhappiness. The unhappiness was that I was afraid to do what I wanted to do. I thought I couldn't do even innocent things. Like eat what I wanted. Like eat when I wanted. Like watch TV or not watch TV. Like go to another room and be alone rather than sit with DH. Like go for a walk when i wanted to, no matter when. Like go shopping if I felt like it. Like turn the heat down if I was too hot. Have a nap without feeling lazy. Go to bed early if i was tired. Not drink if I felt it was nuts to drink every day.

Does all this sound crazy? I walk on eggs 24/7 and yet I have a DH who loves me dearly and would be very upset to read this. He is NOT the problem. IT'S ME WHO THINKS THESE THINGS. None of them are REAL. But for ME they are real.

I don't seem to be able to be my own person. I think that marriage means that DH and I are joined at the hip and that my personality is GONE. In a Catholic marriage of course we are ONE, but in a spiritual sense, and God does not want my personality to disappear. I know this in my head but it's so hard to live it.

Can anyone relate? Is this because my father was an alcoholic and we always had to walk on eggs with him? He had a bad temper and would blow up at the littlest things, even though he never was physically abusive, and he did love us.

Sorry this is so long but I felt I had to get this down on paper. This emotion just came to the surface. I have to face these feelings and DO something about them. So off to the basement to do what I want to do for a change!!! I'll report back tonight!!! Thanks for listening to my emotional outburst. :thanks:

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Morning all,
Wanted to do my daily check in because it keeps me accountable

MWO Lady - "My" song was "My Ding-A-Ling" by Chuck Berry

Day 10 here. Feeling good and strong. Oh, every once in a while I tell myself that I "can" always drink if I just stop the Antabuse for 5 days. And it's true, I can! But I don't WANT to!

Hope everyone is staying strong, no matter what day you're on...just remember it gets easier!

K9

[MWOLady]

Newbies Nest

Sufi! Are you still around? I'm curious to see how the Naltrexone is working for you.

[Steady Hands]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters

Herbie – :l

Shue – Saw you in my early days in another thread and thought – wow, you sound so sophisticated! Glad you are in the nest now. I was too shy to post on that thread. And good going with your AF days so far!

PF – Good idea to pump up the supps again. Read about it last night and think I should take more. The expression of emotions caught my eye. I’ve been studying “my problem & emotions” for more than a decade now. Every different approach and attempt adds up. And I feel I finally came full circle. And then had the emotional ability to quit. It was very painful to go through my family … how can I put this… roller coaster-tumble dryer- past –present-yucky-yucky details-rolled up in lies and alcohol. The lies hurt most of all…
One of the best and most difficult courses I ever did had this statement from beginning to end: THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO NOT KNOW.
It is six years later. Six years of blacking out and applying makeup the next morning with shaky hands and throwing the eye drops like mad and catching the runny mascara before my foundation is f- uped, because alcoholics don’t have great skin… !!! …
Six years… and deep down I knew they were lying!
I just desperately didn’t want to believe it and it was an attempt to numb it out.

By full circle I mean that I can finally see my childhood for what it was and my family for the people they are. I can’t deal with them right now, but really hope I can have a civilized relationship with them later. Superficial preferably!
Now a new circle just began. Me! Just me! Sober and free from other’s lies!

CG – I’m impressed!

MWOLady – I totally relate!! I constantly ask permission to great amusement to others… My father was an alcoholic too. Could do nothing and he would snap! Then my sister became suicidal in teenage years and once again I had to walk on egg shells and choose my words wisely not to trigger a reason for my mom/dad/sis to od or slash a wrist – in the end they all tried it!!
So, to begin with – DON”T apologize for a long post – look at this one!!
If people don’t like it and don’t have time they can skip it! And for someone else it puts another piece in the puzzle!! I read 24/7 the first week!!

To replace buying wine I started to buy the sexiest / fun looking tea cups and wine glasses I can find. I drink all cold stuff in wine glasses and make it special with a piece of pineapple/lemon/lavender flowers – anything to make it great!!

Go well.
SH

[Steady Hands]

Newbies Nest

Oh, and from next week I'll be busy with studies and my posts will become fewer and shorter!

[shueaddict]

Newbies Nest

LolaC, Pine and Byrdlady – that’s me told!!! I actually like the dynamics of the nest with this good measure what’s what .

So … active planning – I told my hubby tonight that I shall be AF on holiday and I wish that would support me. And not like in the last 2 holidays ( “Come one honey, just one won’t hurt”) - I told him that in both cases that was my undoing and took me ages to stop drinking after we came back. He’s on board. Yey!!!

PF – I find that the supplements really help too.

Steady , you make me blush and chuckle at the same time. Let me tell exactly how “sophisticated” I am : Last Xmas I left my hubby take our son to bed, I kept on drinking with my neighbors until the wee hours of the morning. My hubby found me the next day asleep on the coach with my posh wellie boots still on. I was also very “sophisticated” at my son’s birthday party– cannot remember the last 2 hours – but apparently managed to enter the correct VISA pin on the first try . Next day I found pictures of me smoking at the party posted on facebook by others – no recollection ( and I don’t smoke).

[twitt]

Newbies Nest

MWOLady;1239301 wrote: I realize now that I drank to mask unhappiness. The unhappiness was that I was afraid to do what I wanted to do. I thought I couldn't do even innocent things. Like eat what I wanted. Like eat when I wanted. Like watch TV or not watch TV. Like go to another room and be alone rather than sit with DH. Like go for a walk when i wanted to, no matter when. Like go shopping if I felt like it. Like turn the heat down if I was too hot. Have a nap without feeling lazy. Go to bed early if i was tired. Not drink if I felt it was nuts to drink every day.

Does all this sound crazy? I walk on eggs 24/7 and yet I have a DH who loves me dearly and would be very upset to read this. He is NOT the problem. IT'S ME WHO THINKS THESE THINGS. None of them are REAL. But for ME they are real.

I don't seem to be able to be my own person. I think that marriage means that DH and I are joined at the hip and that my personality is GONE. In a Catholic marriage of course we are ONE, but in a spiritual sense, and God does not want my personality to disappear. I know this in my head but it's so hard to live it.

Can anyone relate? Is this because my father was an alcoholic and we always had to walk on eggs with him? He had a bad temper and would blow up at the littlest things, even though he never was physically abusive, and he did love us.

Sorry this is so long but I felt I had to get this down on paper. This emotion just came to the surface. I have to face these feelings and DO something about them. So off to the basement to do what I want to do for a change!!! I'll report back tonight!!! Thanks for listening to my emotional outburst. :thanks:

I can relate, my father had a horendous bad temper, i swear his green eyes would flash when he got mad. My mother was passive so she never intervened and my brother always got the brunt of my dads temper so much so that he left home at the age of sixteen to join the navy cause he could not take it anymore. My sister does not even know that i remember our dad beating the crap out of my brother when i was 4, i will never forget it. My marriage i was the angry one and my husband was the timid one but i realized that somewhere along the line probably about 25 years ago i realized i lost my personalilty also. My parents were not alcoholics.I did resent the fact that i was somebodys sister, daughter, mother aunt, cousin, wife and so on, I disappeared. I am still trying to find myself.

[MWOLady]

Newbies Nest

yeah, we are often the products of our environments for sure. But we do have some choice. The choice to pick up a cup of tea instead of a glass of wine!! Thanks for sharing your experiences too. It's hard sometimes to remember sad times.

[Chicha]

Newbies Nest

I'm a newbie - Excited to get Started!

Hi everyone, sounds like a great site to be associated with. Today is day one for me. I'm feeing good and can't wait to beat this thing. Any suggestion are greatly appreciated.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Hi chicha,

Welcome to MWO & the Newbies Nest - this is a good place!

I started out by downloading the MWO book from the Health store here on the website! It has lots of good information for you. You also need to make yourself a good plan - one that works just for you. Look in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html for some great ideas to address your drinking triggers. An initial goal of 30 days without alcohol is usually best

MWOL & twitt, discovering ourselves is all part of the program. Most of us don't know who were are as non-drinking adults so we have to learn. We can make ourselves into anything we want!

Wishing everyone a cozy & safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Struggles 106]

Newbies Nest

Hey MWO and Twitt

I thought I'd stop over on this thread and read some. I can relate to exactly what you guys
were talking about. My parents were both alcoholics and I was led to believe I was NO GOOD my whole life. Addiction comes from a lot of factors but clearly this kind of thing is a big part.

After stopping drinking things become more clear every day. You start to realize the strength you've had all along.

[Herbie]

Newbies Nest

Hello all

Interesting post about feelings of not being ok to put yourself first.... I always think I don't deserve, I shouldn't ask, what ever you say... go along to get along... I don't really count.... I haven't really thought of this before so thank you MWO and Steady ... I need to rethink somethings

My spirits are better today, finishing up day 2 Belle Girl and Ire !!!

Cooking dinner, I am hungry tonight for the first time in days... will check back later tonight

[Hypernova]

Newbies Nest

Hi Chicha & welcome. I am not far behind you on day 6 myself.
Personally have stopped many times and have had many AF days. The problem is remaining AF for an extended time. You see (at least for me) I go along drinking and then start thinking I can't do this anymore. My body and emotions tell me so. But I keep on drinking not listening to my body or emotions and let alcohol drown out the message my body and mind are trying to send. Then one day voila I quit and am happy and go on sometimes for months AF. But then I start to feel strong and think, oh a drink here and there won't hurt. If that were true I wouldn't be here saying these words to you. My reason for telling you all of this is b/c you asked for a suggestion and the best I can give is ~ if you quit don't start again no matter what. You can't win at this game so why play. My warning to you is that alcohol will creep back into your life by misleading your thinking unless you are prepared. How to be prepared ~~ like many of the fine posts on this site advise~~ have a plan and work it. I wish you well and congrats on day 1!!

[Irie]

Newbies Nest

BelleGirl;1239285 wrote: I KNOW I will see Day 3 tomorrow, because I am sick of the b!tch named AL.

Well said! And I'll be right there next to you. Wouldn't miss it for the world! And Herbie will be right there with us!

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Take care of yourself first kids

I just wanted to stop back in because I looked up the #1 hit song the day I was born -
"From Rags to Riches' by Tony Bennett - I had no idea :H