Newbies Nest

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, I suppose continuing on from my periods of AF time over this past year or so.....
When I first came here I managed 3 months and of course the typical, one drink and back in that vicious cycle. But I keep on trying no matter how many times I fall. I have been selfish in my quest for sobriety and stayed away from or neglected certain people. I done this and in June I paid the price....after almost 5 weeks AF (longest for 6 months) I got the news that a dear friend of mine was found dead. I never felt so guilty or selfish. He was great fun, intelligent, had lonely times and of course was an alcoholic. I hadn't seen him for a few months. I wish I could wind back time so that I could have been with him more - in my mind I kept thinking 'if I can sort myself out then I can benefit someone else, maybe even him' but I never told him what I was doing so he died alone and even as I write this I am welling up....I think that is when I stopped really caring about myself again. I didn't feel 'worthy' of sobriety. I don't know if that'll make sense to anyone but that is what I see now, on reflection. I couldn't forgive myself - I was already having problems forgiving myself for various things over this past few years, all related to alcohol.
I haven't been able to get it together since then really, but on day 9 now and with clarity I am able to see that to stay where I was would mean continuing in that cycle and winding up building a bigger mountain of problems to climb.
It would be a far more selfish act to stay in that position and do nothing about it. Sometimes in life we have to put ourselves first and foremost and I've learned that sobriety does not come easily.....
My house needs attending to but I am reading daily and exercising and putting in place all that I need on this journey. The chores and jobs will wait and they will be done but to a higher standard as I will be so full of life......
I just wanted to put my thoughts out there because I am fighting tooth nail for my new sober life..........

[Unwasted]

Newbies Nest

Hi All -

A quick check in for me. Lots going on in my world right now. But, just wanted to let you know that I'm still maintaining - day 64 today.

CG - I'm feeling pretty confident right now. I think the thing that sort of looms for me is certain settings that I haven't had to navigate for a while. Raucous social settings would be my downfall were I to have one. I talk to myself about ways I'll head off things that would normally trigger me. So far, so good........but not being complacent.

Jane, AA wasn't for me either - I only went to one meeting but it just didn't feel right. MWO has helped me tremendously. Guess I just couldn't handle the "public" display of it all with total strangers. If I were in a bad way, though, I'd give it another try.

Daisy, wishing you luck on giving up the two evils at the same time!

More later everyone - have a super sober day..........:l:l

[MWOLady]

Newbies Nest

Daisy, it's a very sad thing but we can never be sober for someone else, or even give a good example of sobriety for someone else, no matter how much we care for them. That's just a fact of life.

When we go to AA and see all those people it's not their example really that we want. It's just a safe place to express ourselves. Then we can try on our own, for ourselves.

I may not be expressing this clearly but here's what I mean. Last December when my Mum died my big brother came for her funeral. He had been an alcoholic for years and his health was very bad (how bad we didn't know at the time) He was drinking a bottle of rum a day, and he also drank most of DH's good scotch too. He and I had talked about his drinking and mine for years and years and I could never really get very deep with him. He would always say he drank because he was "unhappy." He was bright, good looking, could charm the birds out of the trees, had a good job, and had many many friends who thought the world of him - but inside he was empty....

When he went home, he deteriorated rapidly until I got a call from his assistant in late January that he was in the hospital, had lost 35 lbs and was not doing well. I flew down that day. He never left the hospital. He died of pancreatic cancer, which spread to his liver, on March 25. I will NEVER get over this death....NEVER. I was not able to help him get sober. Not for one day.

You see, this is such a personal, deeply personal, thing that we can pray for them, and talk to them, and agonize over them, but we can't do it for them.

So please let your friend go in peace. The very best you can do for him is to live a long happy life so that you can REMEMBER him for many years. I hope that helps you a bit. :h

[Steady Hands]

Newbies Nest

Evening Nesters.

A lot has been going on here...

Daisy - I support the knitting!! I knit till I had a spasm when I quit the cigs. Unfortunately I was still drinking, so it looked like shit and I gave it away. But its 6 months later and I don’t miss checking for my lighter before I go out the door! I got frustrated a while ago and wanted to knit, but only had grey wool… Had a vision of something yellow. So I ripped up a yellow piece of material and made my own “wool” – it looks great!! Going to do the next one in black!

On the topic of other alcoholics… I have mentioned that my father was a big one. I even once had a booze implant when I was living with him, because I thought I could show him how to quit. It got infected and removed. I was 2 months sober and then drank again. I asked him why he didn’t get irritated with me and he said that he knew “I would get some sense soon”. I don’t think he understood alcoholism, on the other hand I don’t think he wanted to understand it. I struggle when I think about my parents.
After my sister phoned my mom to pick up her son at 7 am when she was drinking till 3:30(last weekend) my mother told me that NONE OF US SHOULD EVER DRINK AGAIN.
I don’t believe her.
She is an alkie herself. My dad was one. Both his parents were and my mother’s parents were “moderate alcoholics”. Why when you struggle with a disease would you sit back and watch how it destroys your children’s lives too??? I really struggle with this.

Saw her this weekend and she still had my sister’s little son. I asked whether she was babysitting the whole time and she was suddenly very evasive.

This is why I don’t believe her. I am a bit of “the leader” in my immediate family, and the fact that I stopped drinking is seen as a big thread and I have basically been ignored. Their lives are official secrets to me now…

It can be that they don’t see their drinking as a problem yet. It can be that they lack knowledge of what alcohol abuse does to you. They could be attributing their problems to other things…


What bums me out is that if you are the child of an alcoholic – then you know the pain, loneliness and shame already!

I got side tracted – just want to support that NO you cannot help another alkie, only yourself.

Lolab – Miss your nice long posts and support. Always a good, calming read before I go to bed. Sending you strength and hope it goes well with your mom.

UW – You sound amazingly good!

Jane – “Whatever…” - LOL!!!

Go well Nesters!

[Steady Hands]

Newbies Nest

Hi Jane

I was referring to what you said to the guy at your work place. I found it funny imagining the situation.

Didn’t mean to offend you.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Jane, I know what you mean about being here vs AA meetings. This is almost too personal for face to face discussions...I don't express myself in person like I can in written form...writing it helps me get it out. I have never spoken to anyone about this face to face, other than with my husband...while he is understanding, he doesn't know how, actually why the AL mind works like it does. I would talk to people here that I've known and struggled with over all this time, but would have a really hard time spilling my guts to someone in person, especially if they lived nearby!! How odd is that??? Whatever works, I say do it!! And this is working for me. So glad you are here! Byrdie

[Pooks]

Newbies Nest

Hi all. First time posting here altough I have been lurking around past couple of weeks, reading posts and the tools thread. Just bought a book by Marantonio Spada, Overcoming Problem Drinking which seems to be quite good. Just started reading it, but the bottle of wine Ive had tonight has knackered doing anything worth while.
Tomorrow I'd really like it if I could leave work and not go to the shops for drink. I know that this is one of my triggers. I really hope I can do it. Thanks for reading and nice to 'meet' you all

[Unwasted]

Newbies Nest

Hey Nesters, loved this post by Red 67 and thought I'd copy it here:

Hey all, i just wanted to give you some support and strength to get thru this. I will be 10 months tomorrow and when i look back i am amazed i did it. I drank everyday for 10 years and had tried everything (halfheartedly) to quit. I had a very humiliating experience while drinking last march and decided i just could not do it anymore. In the early days i just kept remembering how that experience made me feel and i knew if i drank i would be right back there. I had to relearn how to live again, how to feel again and it was terrifying. I also did Smart Recovery and came here everyday for reinforcement. You ladies can do this. Your confidence will come over time, trust me. Once you make it thru each situation without drinking you will feel stronger and stronger. You will still find challenges down the road. Yesterday i had strong triggers because the Packers were in the playoffs and last year i drank thru every game throughout the Superbowl win. It was such a strong feeling to drink, my mind was trying to make me think how much fun it would to be buzzed and watching the game. It was all lies. I use follow thru thinking to get thru the cravings. I play the scene all the way thru to the end and realize i would end up a drunk stupid mess and end up back in a bottle, slave to the demon. My biggest fear that i use now is that i never want to end up back at day one. As each day, week, month passes it does get easier. You learn from practice how to ride the cravings and they become less and in general weaker.

Just trust me and keep racking up the time. What have you got to lose if you dont drink? What do you have to gain by drinking?

You are doing great. I know you all can do this!!!!__________________
Last drink March 17th 2011...loving this life. No drinking no matter what.

[Chillgirl]

Newbies Nest

:welcome: Pooks! A fellow Scot....

How about tomorrow you make sure and take another route home, treat yourself to something nice for dinner, buy yourself a new book or an expensive bubble bath, some kind of treat. Get yourself home with no AL and just promise yourself to get through tomorrow AF. Come here if you are struggling, there is always someone here who will talk to you and make sure you keep busy. Together we can do this.....

[mylife]

Newbies Nest

Hello All,

Just checking in. As usual this is such a busy nest.

AA works wonders for some people at least I keep hearing that from the successful AA's! But there are lots of success stories here, too - quiet and happy success stories which is one of the wonderful things about this site! I am just not that comfortable pouring our feelings out to a room full of strangers. Also, there's a rebellious side to me that says there are lots of ways to solve a problem and not only one. It just annoys me sometimes that people act like AA is the Only Way...

Anyway, Jane - I had to laugh about your response to the guy at work as well...and Steady Hands - how creative to make your own yarn!

Hope you're all having a great AF day in the Nest.

[mylife]

Newbies Nest

Hi UW and Chill! Cross post!!

UW - thanks for the great inspirational quote. I love that this site has so many success stories like that!!

[MWOLady]

Newbies Nest

Welcome Pooks From Scotland

Hi Pooks :welcome: Hope you stick around and post often, lurk if you like but we would love to get to know you. We know you Scots are devilish and have a wicked sense of humour! I'm having a bit of a rough day but I'm hanging in, hope you are too.

And yes, for heaven's sake take a different route and stay away from the shops!!! They are all laid out in a row for a reason - clever marketing works!!! Are you planning on using any drugs or supplements to help you as you get more AF days under your belt? What's in your Tool Box?

Steady Hands it sounds like your family is a difficult one and I feel for you :h It's hard to love our families sometimes, I know. Just love them, and pity them too for they have just not got the message yet. Maybe they will someday.

This day is almost over - tomorrow will be better I'm sure. And the sun may even shine!

[Pooks]

Newbies Nest

Chillgirl;1246773 wrote: :welcome: Pooks! A fellow Scot....

How about tomorrow you make sure and take another route home, treat yourself to something nice for dinner, buy yourself a new book or an expensive bubble bath, some kind of treat. Get yourself home with no AL and just promise yourself to get through tomorrow AF. Come here if you are struggling, there is always someone here who will talk to you and make sure you keep busy. Together we can do this.....

Aye aye Chillgirl, thanks for that. Now I have posted once I will again (why am I shy about posting?? :? ) Just feeling totaly selfish and sorry for myself at the mo. Hate it.
Thanks again and also really liked the re-post from you Unwasted.
I believe I need to take more responsability and and a more positive attiude.

[clear eyes]

Newbies Nest

Hi all

I am on day 15 AF. I have been viewing posts since day 1 and they are what have contributed to me getting thus far. So a big thank you for that! Finally decided to join. I was nervous about being on the internet where anyone can see what I am posting but I am now here.

I checked out the supplements that MWO recommended and started those on day one. I am almost out of my Kudoz and think that I will stop that when out but will carry on with the others.

I've made it through two AF week-ends and one dinner with friends last Saturday night AF. They never batted an eye when I was offered wine but said I thought I would drink water that night.

Best to all for a great AF night.

[noodle]

Newbies Nest

What a bummer

Well that went well,NOT. Day one done, day two - whoops day three ugh. You all know what happened there. Not happy with myself today. :upset:
Hope you are all having a better day than me, which couldn't be easier if you saw the state of me. Ah well, back to it. Love and peace to all :h