Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

First Time Here

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Hello to all. I am sitting here with a hellacious hangover, skipped work and am reaching out for help for the first time. I have toyed with the notion of quitting for quite some time now, and the bad has far exceeded the good with alcohol...so, here I am raw and scared and maybe hopeful?

Thanks for listening to my post. I am crying as I write this, because it has taken me so long to admit I have a (HUGE) problem.

Hope to talk with all of you and hear your stories, as I share some of my own.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST POST, LIBRARY GIRL....(It didn't show up as such, so I am editing to show it)

Library Girl....ahh, the power of this nest and our very own words. Your 'huge' problem brought you here, just as it brought every single one of us here. We don't just come here to play, we have serious drinking problems and addictions. There are no words of ours that can convince you not to try drinking again, but maybe your own can....(see above). The relationship you had with AL the last day you drank it is as good as it's ever going to get. That is the tip of the iceburg to how bad it can go. Trust me on that one....the voice you are hearing at the 30 day mark is addiction! Back me up nesters...this is the voice that says...'maybe you didn't have as big a problem as you thought'...'If I can just stop for 30 days, I don't have a problem after all!" If it was this easy (and you are remembering thru tainted AL eyes) then I can do it again". The 30 Day mark is a big one...and it's where many folks go right back and try to have a new relationshaip with AL again...This is Addiction Head talking....or Dick Head, for short. We will support you whichever road you choose, but I'd ask you to read long and hard ON THIS SITE before you do. Many have done it before you....
Just my 2 cents...Byrdie

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Just your two cents...Byrdie, what a joke. Those words are priceless...:h

It's so true....we can all sit here and yack all day long but in the end you're gonna do what you're gonna do...but your own words? They sure do ring true, don't they?

I was just thinking in the shower this morning....I bent sideways a little to grab the shampoo, and I had a twinge in my right side...I immediately panicked - thinking my liver! But quickly realized that my liver's fine, I just twisted a little funny. But it started the wheels turning thinking back to when I worried about that ALL the time. Except when I was drinking...um - well, I guess I worried about it sometimes...:H

Anyway, I started wishing that i had a picture or even better...a video of myself at my worst. 15 pounds heavier, puffy, red eyes - tired, but the most powerful thing would be to hear myself. To hear the desperation when I said that I knew that I was killing myself - if I kept it up, it wouldn't even be a matter of making it to 55 freakin years old. That everybody would know what an ass I was because they'd know that I did this to myself, with complete control and knowledge of what I was doing. And everybody would hate me in some tiny way. Even my precious boy.

I spend EVERY SINGLE day now - NOT worrying about that. Whatever takes me will not be because of my refusal to stop drinking. I won't hurt or kill someone else while driving because of alcohol. And I will be the best person that I can be because I actually "care". About so much more than I did.

the memory of that desperation fades so quickly - that's why we need to write things down here (or grab your phone and take a video of yourself at your lowest point).....because you WILL start thinking that things weren't as bad as you once thought they were....'so many people drink and have lovely fun lives'.....that's irrelevant (and debatable). If you've come here looking for help - drinking did not give you a lovely fun life. Do something to make it so you're able to go back and remember that - without re-living it.

I was buzzed by 1 or 2 pm every single day - and often earlier - never coming down - having a drink in the night to go back to sleep - and another in the morning to get through.....and I will be celebrating with Lav on her 3 year anniversary on Monday because it's 6 months for me! Un-friggin-believable....I wish I had a video of myself to look back on just to remind me of how truly awful it was...

[Unwasted]

Newbies Nest

Back me up nesters...this is the voice that says...'maybe you didn't have as big a problem as you thought'...'If I can just stop for 30 days, I don't have a problem after all!" If it was this easy (and you are remembering thru tainted AL eyes) then I can do it again". The 30 Day mark is a big one...and it's where many folks go right back and try to have a new relationshaip with AL again...This is Addiction Head talking....or Dick Head, for short.

I totally agree.

Dick Head - the colloquial term for "Euphoric Thinking." :H:H

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

I cried again reading my first post.:upset: Thank you for bringing that here, and for reminding me.

That Dick Head won't take my life again.

[windy]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

LG -- You have had a lot of caring responses today from people who have been there and done that. With that being said, some times we just have to find our for our selves. I hope you decide to learn from our mistakes.

Today I was out for a jog in the countryside around my house. I could not believe how many empty beer cans and empty liquor bottles there were dumped on the side of the road. ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! Makes a person think, well... at least I did. (Maybe too much.) Also, it was by far the most popular item to toss out the window. It far out weighed the pepsi cans and coffee cups. It is such ugly litter and I had a moment where I felt (strongly) just how toxic alcohol is. In this beautiful, natural setting, it just did not belong. It is not a natural thing to put in our bodies at all; quite to opposite and I saw this so clearly out today. I need to carry that disgust even further into every day life. I don't want to become a holier-than-thou tea totaler though and try not judge. I just wish people would see the destruction for what it clearly is. It sure looks ugly dumped on the side of road, tossed after a DRIVER or passenger was done with it.

That's my rant for the day.

Byrdie -- GREAT post. p.s. I love that term "Dick head", so now I have another way to use it.

[WickedMom]

Newbies Nest

LibraryGirl,

What Byrdie and Lola say is true! I hope you will choose to listen to your own words -- that really is the best your relationship with AL will ever be!!! I tried for years (YEARS!!!) to moderate. I took two breaks for 9 months each while pregnant. Each time I started drinking again I thought I would be able to control it. Each time within a few weeks I was back to sloshing down bottles of wine and swigs of vodka every night. The nightmare starts over with one tiny sip!

Last year around this time I managed to go 11 days AF. I decided to have a glass (right!) of wine as a reward for some minor thing -- which of course turned into a bottle, which started the nightmare all over again. It went on for months. Last September I started reading here every day -- something clicked and I was able to make it to 30 days. I didn?t really have a plan. I hadn?t seriously considered quitting for good. Maybe I?m making assumptions -- and forgive me if I am -- but I think you may be in a similar situation? On day 31once again I wondered if I could drink ?responsibly? but decided not to as there was really no reason and I was feeling so much better. I listened to the stories on MWO of people who had tried and failed, tried and failed and on and on. Well today I?ve reached my 6 month mark! Excuse me for tooting my own horn, but I am so proud of myself I could jump up and down! (and I?m ready to do the same for Lola and Windy next week -- Woohoo you two!)

Of course it?s entirely up to you, but I highly recommend that you take the advice that is offered here -- your life can be so much better!

P.S. Lola -- I do have a few photos and videos of myself from those awful days. I can hardly look at them. Uggh...

[WickedMom]

Newbies Nest

Aww, LibraryGirl -- It makes me want to cry too. I remember that despair so well. I'm glad you are listening!

[windy]

Newbies Nest

Hi Wicked.

Toot toot:woot::yes2:

I am tooting your horn. Good Job. That's amazing. Your beautiful life is just beginning!

[Garliclady]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesting Buddies!
I will not drink today. Much more garden cleanup to do in the sunshine this morning. Thank you all for the great welcome! My plan at the moment is to try and mod and not drink any AL til Friday and Saturday. If that gets out of hand I will go the abstain route. I'll give it a few weeks and then re assess. I used to drink a bottle of wine every night and sometimes more. My significant other is afraid of my drinking so then I started to hide it. BAD IDEA!! So, I announced that I'm going to try and modify. So now he knows. I guess that's better...we'll see. It's such a struggle nonetheless.
That is my immediate plan.
I grow garlic every year in my garden! I use it for my garlic dill pickles that I make and it does store pretty well after harvesting for about 5 months.
Well, it's off to the outside to work in the dirt and enjoy the spring sunshine.
Best to all of you.

[Garliclady]

Newbies Nest

Hi Wicked!
Good job.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesties!

LG - I know it's tempting to think that maybe we weren't "that bad" or "this time it will be different"...but I know, you know, we all know it will be worse. ALCOHOL IS UGLY. It makes us ugly too (inside and out). Last night I had a dream that I was on DAY ONE all over again and going through the agony of how I was going to spend my evenings, and white-knuckling it in despair. Thankfully I woke up to day 85 and those feelings were gone...and I was flooded with relief! Whew! You don't want to go back there either...so stick with it girlfriend and keep racking up those days!!

Today my daughter goes to her first counseling session, I don't know why I'M so nervous, I guess I'm scared that I'm going to be the topic of her distress or something. She seems excited for it. I'll be sitting in the waiting room pretending to read a book...and I will try my darndest not to grill her about it, she can tell me if she wants, if not, that's her right also. Wish me luck, I'm sure I'll be sweating bullets the whole time. I may need to comfort myself after with some greasy food. LOL (Better than beer!)

Well Peeps, keep up all the good work and stay strong....

K9

[Willow23]

Newbies Nest

Wicked, that's fantastic! Well done.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

p.s. Welcome Garliclady...I meant to include that in my previous post but my brain cells are damaged. LOL We're glad to have you here, keep posting and stay in the nest, it's safe and comfy here!!
K9

[BelleGirl]

Newbies Nest

Just had to stop by to say

:yay:

for WickedMom's 6 months AF!!!

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

Ladies, why do men wait to be told everydamnthing to do?
Men, stop that!
Lol, I swear, if I don't initiate something it doesnt get done. Normally I would go buy wine and revolt.

WHY do I have to do or ask for everything???? Why am I so fricken bitchy right now? Because I want to DRINK! I want to DRINK dammit.

I want to smash things and fucking drink!

Aaaaagggggghhhhh

(I interrupt this rant to report that I won't drink)

Mother*%#sonofa&$?! Hot gorgeous day, muscles hurt from working outside, house is clean, whatthefuck do I do now?