Newbies Nest

[patricia]

Newbies Nest

Hi all,

KKL, hang on in there, why oh why do we do this to ourselves???? L, yes, I am talking about a gratitude list - thanks for suggesting it. Where do I start . . . . think by posting one or two every day. Day 6. I am so grateful:

1. That I am probably saving myself from further harm
2. That for the past five nights/early mornings I haven't woken up in a sweat worried and hating myself
3. That day by day I feel a little bit better
4. That my confidence is beginning to return
5. That I am feeling more at peace with myself
6. That I am feeling less bloated
7. That I have hope for the future

Sorry - lot more than one or two . . . . . but just a few really . . . . . . . . .

Px

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good Monday morning all Nesters,

Kitty, the first three days are generally to roughest so please just hold on, you will be OK & amazed at the results

patricia, having my peace of mind back, regardless of what's going on around me is priceless

Wishing everyone a fantastic AF Monday!
Lav

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning Nest!
Patricia, I love your gratitude list. Very powerful stuff!
Today I'm back at work, working on a solid plan. And I like the gratitude list and I think I will post that too.
Day 3. My headache is gone. I still woke up thinking I drank last night, and what a wonderful feeling to reassure myself that I did not.

Have a wonderful day everyone. I visit here mostly from my phone so I will check in a bit later.

[mauritiusdodo]

Newbies Nest

Hello nesters, checking in and hoping for a lovely AF day today

[mauritiusdodo]

Newbies Nest

can someone post a link to the tool box please I can't find it?

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Hello. I am going to ease my way back in here - too many new faces for me to figure out who is who right off the bat. But that's a great thing!

things are back to normal in my household. I can handle the school vacations but having my hubby underfoot? that's another story.

He was home last week - and considering the amount that he travels and that he rarely takes vacation unless we are going away somewhere - it was a HUGE change in routine. It threw me off big time...and by Friday the urge for me to drink was a big issue. I am bothered by this....and have been trying to figure it out. At almost 7 months AF - I was "this" close to throwing it all away. why?? because I was spending more time with someone that I love?

It all got me very mad at myself at first...then I started trying to look deeper - I didn't want to drink with him...I wanted to go back to my old ways of drinking in private to "deal" with him. I think I figured out that it's alot about control for me. When he's here, I have to give up some control. I've adapted to his schedule (gone alot) by (especially the past 6 months sober) running a pretty tight ship. But when he's home, things change - he eats the stuff I bought for me :H - he wants to do things when I'm clearly doing something else - he turns on the tv when I NEVER have it on during the day... but on a more serious level, I think he feels a little left out and tries too hard to edge his way into a way of life that for the majority of the time - goes on without him.... - I don't have it figured out completely just yet - but I am working on it. I think we both end up feeling resentful at times as we've kind of forgotten what it's like to be together for chunks of time like that.

The stress that I feel from not being in control - and probably that he feels from trying to gain some - by the end of the week? Ended up making me have strong thoughts that an alcohol escape was appealing. I fought with it all day on Friday and some on Saturday too. I did not have AL in the house - or it might not have turned out well.....that I learned early on. But I did think of driving to the liquor store.

So now I know yet another thing that I have to be watchful of......I'm still learning...for me - ANTICIPATING - all of these "trigger" times is the key. I really didn't know until this past week, that giving up the control was so stressful to me....that very control that has allowed me to stay AF - was almost my downfall. Being in control of my situations - the people I am around - what I eat - being sure that I am not engaging in behaviors that would make me want to drink - that control is important - and it's been said before - that these early days, you NEED control - and sometimes to be able to not go out much and socialize - and that's the path that I took - so that my home life was my AF haven - I just have to really watch out for changes in the pattern - because they will happen - and maybe just maybe I can loosen my grip just a little and still be able to hang on?

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Hi Mauri - welcome back. Here is the link to the toolbox. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

[Honeysoup]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning Everyone!!!

Well, I made it through the weekend...WoW Friday was rough I felt so bad the next day on how I treated my DH. I was a BITCH on wheels man. I know now that it was really bad withdraws. All is well now....today is day 10 and very proud.

I haven't posted because to top it off Friday my computer crashed. I am at work and wanted to check in with ya'll. We are doing great team...I don't think I could have done it without this site.

My heart goes out to all that are struggling....Happy Monday all!!!

[patricia]

Newbies Nest

Hi LL,

These words could have been mine!! Amazing!! I struggle with exactly the same feelings!! Px

[SAUSAGE]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone - like the list Patricia. Good luck with formulating your plan Nursie.
Mauri the tool box is great I think - hope you find it useful.
Lolab glad you stayed strong over the vacation period. We took a trip away in our camper van last week and I was worried about drinking, as I have never done a sober trip away, but it was fine and I really enjoyed it and am now on day 53!
Honeysoup, so glad you made it through the weekend. I was worried about you when I saw you hadn't logged on/ posted. 10 days is fantastic, keep it up.
Kitty - just keep going, it will get easier.
Hello to everybody else - hope you are having a good AF day.
See you later
Sausage x
Day 53

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Lolab...can I ever relate to what you are saying. As hard as getting sober is...staying sober is not without its challenges. It's like sometimes a big dose of reality comes up and slaps you in the face. Those thoughts creep in. I am STILL slamming the door on them with NO, HELL NO! You will NOT ruin my life anymore!! This helps tremendously, but the longing to 'just try' it is there. I know who is speaking these words...it's the damnable Voice of AL. I mean, didn't I do the work to get it OUT of my life?? Didn't it almost kill me and my beautiful life here and my marriage? AREN'T things now wonderful??? Don't you think one EXCLUDES the other? Why do we think we can have THIS and THAT at the same time??? We can NOT! It doesn't take me long to get my thinking back under control, but sometimes the thoughts are strong! As long as I can keep them from becoming actions...I'm all good. And I CAN do that...because I am in control. I used to say (not only during my heavy drinking days, but also during me REALLY HEAVY drinking days the last couple years) that I can control every other aspect of my life...why is it that this one thing I can't control??? The truth is, it is the one thing I could control...and I was, by drinking. No one poured it in my mouth. It is a self destructive behavior...and everytime I had some success, I sabbotaged it. I controlled that, too. This is addiction. I would have never made it this far without some support, which I got from this site (the people, not the books or the other things). I see very clearly, that the only way to escape from this beast and the hell it goes with is to never drink again. And I am ok with that...sometimes I get caught up in the 'what if's' and nit picky things of it, and I shouldn't do that. My policy is zero tolerance and I shouldn't have to stress over the details. (the pushy coworker or the party or the sip of champagne at New Years) Zero means zero and that is that.
I totally understand the strong urges after so long a period...but it won't take you long to discover (just wander around on this sight a little while) that time and time and time again, AL does not does not give you control, it takes it away. It is a bitch that we still fight the inclination after this long....but it happens and it goes away. I know it will happen again in the future. I watched the news today and Thomas Kincaid, the famous painter, was featured. They said that he was depressed about a relapse in his alcoholism. That he went to sleep and never woke up. There, but by the grace of God, go I!! So, I take our recent trials and thoughts to be learning experiences...and I have you and you have me and we will walk thru this thing with our heads high (not our minds)...and we will win each day as it comes. Deal? Byrdie

[golfdiva]

Newbies Nest

Day 3 today for me. And I think I will make it today! Your posts help me so much as I'm struggling with so many of the same things. Tomorrow we visit friends in CA who are wine conoisseurs and will start pouring around 4:00 PM every day. Have loved it in the past but hope I'm strong enough to stay with my sobriety this next week. I do feel strong right now. They are great people who will not mind if I don't drink. It's me who has to not do it with everyone else around me drinking. My hubbie doesn't drink much but the woman we're visiting does. Not her husband though. I wll keep posting each day and reading your inspirational posts. I know there is hope for me.
Thanks.

[berner66]

Newbies Nest

Well day 6 today . . Been stressful day today and thought has crossed my mind that a large Pinot Grigio will take the edge off. Think I got myself into a state of mind " This is easy". I know I can't have that one drink. Will get home and go for a run and hopefully that will help. Tomorrow will be one full week which will be first tick in the box for me.

Thanks

Berner

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesties!

I haven't had time to read back over the last few pages, so I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to catch up later today...work is too darn busy today, but on the up-side, the day is flying by!

Wow, I had so many thoughts of drinking this weekend. I even drove by my old liquor store and yep, it's still there. I thought for sure they'd go out of business without me. J/K I even asked my daughter if she wanted to go in to buy a Monster, and she said "We don't need to go in there Mom"....OY, I'm glad I have such a level-headed daughter! Not that drinking was an option (thank you Antabuse)....but boy oh boy the thoughts were there. I also did the "fast forward" technique, and imagined drinking in EVERY detail, from the first few sips to beer #12 and stumbling to bed, waking up in a state of anxiety...and all this disasters in between. Anyway, the point of my rambling is that we never have to drink again, even if we want to. Thoughts are just that, thoughts...unless we act on them.

I hope everyone had a good sober weekend...will check back later.

:h
K9

[Pocket]

Newbies Nest

Hey everyone!

I'm feeling depressed and tired today. I am thinking about going to an AA meeting this week.

Here's the deal with my relationship with AA, and I would appreciate any advice:

A good friend of mine dated a girl VERY into AA about a year ago. I went through my first episode of wds around that time, and she was very supportive. I started to go to meetings. I met a lot of girls around my age (28) that are also lesbians. Whether or not one is a lesbian may seem beside the point, but I live in a fairly small community and bars are (historically and currently) the hub of lesbian social interaction. It was awesome to find a peer group that wasn't drinking.

Then I read the Big Book, and I read a lot of other information on AA, and some of it didn't sit right with me. One example is that my spiritual beliefs are grounded in the idea that the divine exists in all of us, not solely outside of us, and the notion that I am powerless and must surrender to something separate (rather than find power within myself and my world) rubs me the wrong way. I found a book that correlates with the 12 steps and is more in line with my belief system, but was told that I should stick to the Big Book alone in early sobriety. I got a sponsor and reported proudly that I had made it through Pride weekend without drinking. I admitted that I had taken a hit of smoke, something I haven't done in years, and was promptly told I was back on day 1. WTF? I thought I was quitting al! I don't have a problem with other substances, except cigarettes! Additionally, I nearly crawled out of my skin at a couple of women's meetings as they examined "their roles and faults" in abusive situations. Including things that happened TO them when they were children. People also talked negatively about those who stopped going to AA. And I had a (super revered) lady tell me that my daughter was destined to become an alcoholic and she hoped my little girl found AA before the disease killed her.

My daughter was 7 at the time.

So, I quit going. There were more reasons, and I felt totally justified. It was just not my scene. I was also convinced at that point that I could moderate, and besides that, I was really angry and appalled at much of AA. I went on long rants about the cliches, the excessive caffeination, the oversimplification, the substitution of addictions by going to AA every day for years... you name it, I bashed it.

Aaaannnd, here I am, considering going back. I still don't agree with a lot in AA. I still don't feel helped by the boot-camp, "AA or die drunk" mentality. But I want a place to go to be around other people, in person, who struggle with this stuff. I want those girls my age to be friends with again. I want to add "go to a meeting" to my arsenal, because being able to talk about this with people who understand is actually a big deal, especially if I have a bad craving. I don't want to get super involved and I don't plan on getting a sponsor, but I miss the community.

But I am pretty sure I ranted about AA to the girl who initially took me there (bad form, I know, how embarrassing) and I am afraid to go back. I'm afraid of being embarrassed, I'm afraid that no one will want to be my friend again (how elementary, again I know), I'm afraid people will pressure me to go 100% with AA or call me a "dry drunk" if I don't... I'm afraid that my return will be taken as a sign that AA is, after all, the only way.

So, do ya'll think this is too much of a hassle to try right now? Or do you think that it would be a good idea for me to be around other alkies, even if I don't particularly agree with some of their philosophies? If I do go back, any ideas about executing a graceful re-entry?