Newbies Nest

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Hi all,

GDog, a warm welcome, glad to have you with us - you'll find lots of support and help here.

Monique, I too had a shiver reading about your 14 years sobriety ending with one drink. Care to tell us more about that? How you stayed clean all that time - what drove you back - how you got back on the wagon? Or do you have a story thread somewhere I've missed? No obligation to respond to all those questions - just curious.

It's late at night here at the end of a long weekend and I've had so much whirling around in my mind about all this but don't have the coherency to articulate it properly right now - maybe tomorrow.

In short, I should be feeling quite proud of myself. It's day 12 and I've gone all long weekend (Queens Birthday) AF despite four different challenging alcohol occasions and some major triggers. Yet somehow I've also felt a little defeated by it all - I guess just realising it's just the START of oh so many of those occasions I'll have to make it through - so many temptations. So many chances to (again) decide 'ah, fuck it, a few won't hurt'.

I know I need to work on the gratitude attitude and just making that commitment and taking a leap of faith that with time sober all those situations will be easier and easier but I'm already struggling a bit with the creeping slippery thoughts Like, 'do I really need to do this?' 'why?' 'am I being too extreme' etc - you all know that internal battle I'm sure. A friend tonight said it's great I'm not drinking but she hopes it won't become something else I really beat myself up over if I slip - as I'm prone to self flagellating - and she's right.

I need to keep working on on reinforcing why it's a GOOD thing not to drink, not a deprivation. I did write out all these reasons this morning about why getting through a big drunken birthday dinner last night AF was ultimately better, if hard. Maybe I"ll share some of that tomorrow.

Sorry guys, feel like I'm rambling. Just a little disheartened somehow just now and needing encouragement.

Monique... on that note it really helps give me hope to read this right now...



Hope I get there at some stage too.

Congrats to all who are hanging in there!

Lilly x

[ronnie]

Newbies Nest

Lilly you are doing sooo well and to get through a long weekend and on day 12 A/F is great you should give yourself a big pat on the back.
Just remember how you felt when you were drinking and how you feel & look now :l:h:l

[akaMonique]

Newbies Nest

LillyE;1333057 wrote:

Monique, I too had a shiver reading about your 14 years sobriety ending with one drink. Care to tell us more about that? How you stayed clean all that time - what drove you back - how you got back on the wagon? Or do you have a story thread somewhere I've missed? No obligation to respond to all those questions - just curious.

In short, I should be feeling quite proud of myself. It's day 12 and I've gone all long weekend (Queens Birthday) AF despite four different challenging alcohol occasions and some major triggers. Yet somehow I've also felt a little defeated by it all - I guess just realising it's just the START of oh so many of those occasions I'll have to make it through - so many temptations. So many chances to (again) decide 'ah, fuck it, a few won't hurt'.

Lilly x

Hi Lilly, and you should be proud. Thank you for your questions and sure, I'll be happy to share my story. I'll work on it offline and get back to you.

Meanwhile, yes, the days will come when it doesn't bother you so much to sometimes be the only one not drinking, and parties where people are drinking will just be boring and you probably won't want to hang out as much. The first 2-3 years of my former 14 years sobriety were tough in that regard. I was in my late 20s and why could everyone else drink and I couldn't? I couldn't do the happy hour at a b&b; I didn't have alcohol at my wedding (the guests left pretty early). Italian restaurants with the red/white checked tablecloths just screamed red wine; I couldn't bear to eat in them. So when people, places or situations bothered me, I avoided them. But it got better. I got used to it. At the time, it was very black and white. I considered Alcohol to be an allergy that would make me sick or kill me, just as if I was allergic to nuts. That worked until it didn't. To be continued ...

Have a great week, everyone.

[Gdog]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Monique and LillyE! Love the encouragement. Very tired today. We also had a huge storm last night that kept us awake. The detox will obviously take a few days.

LillyE - Encouragement might be that you really do know that voice of Do I need to do this has not been on your side. I have that same voice, and when I listen it is always a fraud. I think we all struggle with that. My dear dad used to say the only thing worse than being married was not being married. If I can morph that into drinking, I would say the only thing worse than not drinking is drinking. There are a thousand reasons to drink, but none are as good as not drinking. Hang in there!

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

G-dog, that is a great way to look at it, and a nice quote too.

Monique I am very interested in your story and anxious to hear the rest! It proves to me that you are a very, very strong person regardless of having to start over.

Lily, I struggle with the same thoughts as you. I wonder if I really need to quit altogether, since I wasn't really that bad. I didn't drink in the mornings, I didn't drink when I woke during the nights, I didn't hide bottles, etc., etc. However, I DID get drunk enough almost every night to feel like complete hell every morning, and I can't live like that.

I'm happy to announce folks that I've hit the 30 day mark (again). Yay!!!

[patricia]

Newbies Nest

Hi everybody, safe inside now but what a struggle me against me but the sensible me won. Know I'll be okay today because will probably go to bed in an hour or two but what a struggle . . . Kept thinking of all reasons why I shouldn't buy wine and there were loads and none why I should, so you would think it was a no-brainer! Maybe if I were ordinary eh? Anyhow . . . I'm sure I'll be glad in the morning. Px

[Honeysoup]

Newbies Nest

Good Afternoon my friends to the end 
I have been posting on and off for quite a while now. I’m on the wagon and off the wagon for quite a while too. My longest time AF is 21 days and then bam the cycle starts over. When I first started back on the wagon I was kind of ok with it. Then I started just realizing this is part of my life and I love it. Now, it’s “what happened to me? Why do I think its ok drinking almost a liter of wine every day.” So once I realize this I start to feel guilty, then I do it again, and again…and AGAIN!
So then I start waking up every morning saying to myself…TODAY IS THE DAY I QUIT AL! I feel great about my decision then the day goes by and before I know it it’s noon….then it comes back…oh I will be ok….it’s MONDAY how can I watch The Bachelorette without my beautiful wine glass? Maybe I’m not ready….No, stay strong…oh, I will be fine. Stop making such a big deal about it. Back and forth…back and forth…it’s like I have 2 people in my head talking to each other…Am I crazy? What the hell is wrong with me?
I don’t want to be an ALCOHOLIC! I just want to control myself…but I can’t…how do I stop…I want to stop, but not all the way…I know I have to stop all the way and I DON”T WANT TO!!! AHHHH…YUP, I’m freakin CRAZY!! #*%& you ALCOHOL!

[Gdog]

Newbies Nest

Honeysoup - You may have done the best job ever of describing the battle we fight in the brain. That morning person is really courageous, but somehow as we sneek up towards 5 pm that person slinks off and another appears, and says Hey I never signed up not to drink. I will sign up tomorrow if you want, but not tonight. You took off last night and I let you do that, so fair is fair, so tonight we drink.

Ugh.

[patricia]

Newbies Nest

You've just described me . . . But the battle goes on, good luck everyone. Px

[SickyChicky:)]

Newbies Nest

So, OK..I'm moving out in T minus 4 days and counting. Weird thing happened yesterday. Just as I was feeling soft hearted about leaving this crazy man ... I ran into a girl I went to HS with. She and I were inseparable. She knew my mom well ... and anyway...I see it as a sign. I should move on. Nothing good will happen if I stay with him (for many many many reasons) and just because I feel sorry for him it doesn't mean I have to be the one to continually save him from himself! No wonder I drink!!!

Still this relapse, if that's what you want to call it is so mild....evenings to shake off the stress of his threats and his son's intimidation. Soon enough... just a few days from now...I'll be gone from here.

Anyway...I see everones struggles. Wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away. None of us thougth we would, or COULD end up like this but here were are in Dysfunction Junction. Makes me wonder......................

Wish all the best for everone.

[Gdog]

Newbies Nest

Ugh. Got home and no one at the house. Except Mr. Beefeater. Someone forgot to get rid of him. I am so tired from yesterday that I just gave in. Not happy at all. I got so excited about getting going again. Being alone was a massive trigger and I blew it. Damn, Damn, Damn.

Tomorrow I start again. It seems like day two is always so frickin tough. I REALLY want to get more than one day under my belt. So weak, but I know everyone can relate. Ok so my next short term goal then is two days. Got to stay in the battle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[teezah]

Newbies Nest

:new:

1st post, AL free since yesterday morning! Oops make that Sunday morning, June 10th. So now going into day 3.

Delighted - trying Baclofen for the last 2 weeks and have slowly become more and more indifferent to AL.

:l

Teezah

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Hey honeysoup....you're not crazy...:l...you're just stuck in that hamster wheel....

I was stuck there for years. you DID put it very clearly...that's exactly what happens. I would look at people that I know that are older than I am that I know drink alot - and that was good enough for me...."he drinks more and has drank for longer than me! And he's fine! Stop worrying about it."

The problem was with me - my hamster wheel started spinning faster and faster and I started to stumble here and there....I wasn't keeping up with things in my life like I wanted to...and then, to stop thinking about it, I drank more often. For the longest time, I was a nightly wine drinker....the socially acceptable drink....just relaxing with a nice fine wine, ya know? Then, at some point, it turned a corner. When I wanted to drink and not have people notice, I thought that vodka was a better choice...it's much easier to conceal in water bottles and whatnot....and heck it was only once in awhile! But after awhile, it wasn't just once in awhile....it was vodka every day. And then it was vodka earlier in the day. And it led to taking some to bed with me to help me get back to sleep when i inevitably woke up. Then when there was some left in the morning? Drink it because I already felt like crap....then the ball would have started rolling for that day...no turning back. It's vicious.

Please no one read this and think that I am a hopeless trashy lush that you can't relate to....I am a quite 'proper' 48 year old wife and mom - in pretty decent physical shape believe it or not...even after all that. I just finally had enough....I gave a really good effort my first "real" try after finding this site....and made it past 30 days...but then thought I could handle it. After a few months of drinking usually moderately - last summer , on September 26 I woke up to an empty box of wine under my bed and an empty vodka bottle hidden in my closet...(hubby was away on business)...and the reality finally hit me that I'd never be a normal drinker.

It's not been easy...but my life today just doesn't compare to the fog that I lived in. I've lost over 20 pounds without trying = I remember conversations with my family and it's been a looong time since I passed out in the evening....oh I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

You CAN do it. It's very hard at first...you know that. But you've had your sputters and false starts so it's not all new and you know what to expect. Make a plan to deal with anything that might try to break you.

-lola

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Dysfunction Junction !!


Holy Description SChicky.
That is so fricken perfect for me I am making a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to my head.

:nutso:

:l

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

PS- LoLab:

There is no where no way anyone on this planet would think you were a "hopeless trashy lush that 'you' can't relate to"

I am, so grateful you come here and spend your time and energy sharing your struggles . I will NOT drink tonight !

:l