Newbies Nest

[rooniferd]

Newbies Nest

Met a friend for coffee at lunch yesterday. This coffee shop is right beside the Tap Room. I went in to say hey to a couple of friends, and the bartender walked up to me with a mimosa! I drank that one, and five or six more.... :-(

Back to Day 1.....

Damn, how many more times in my lifetime am I going to say that?

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

I remember when I first came here - seeing people who had 3 or 4 months under their belt. They were honestly "long-timers" for me. I didn't really think I could ever stay AF for that long. And to be honest, I didn't know if I wanted to. I just wanted to get a handle on it. It did take time and plenty of trying to drink responsibly to see that it's all or nothing for me. You can't keep drinking like I did and not end up full of regret either from the damage that you've done to your body or the damage to someone else's life.

For me - success came largely from avoiding the situations that might tempt me to drink. In the beginning - that was just about everything. I was a hermit for awhile....even buried my head in books and avoided my own family. sometimes even the "stress" of dealing with them caused me to want to drink...I didn't - and still haven't sat in a bar or tavern...and places where alcohol is a highlight are still a bit overwhelming....bridal showers, etc...Especially in the early days, I wouldn't tempt myself by walking into a tempting situation....I know everybody lives in a different situation, but remember that it isn't forever. You won't have to avoid those situations forever....but you might very well have to in the beginning ...

It's a private hell....the more I tried to cover up my drinking, the more isolated I became and the more isolated I became, the more scared I got about what I was doing to myself, and the more scared I got, the more I drank to escape the fear. The more I drank - the more I had to cover it up...and on and on and on....

[Yogamom]

Newbies Nest

Good morning all. Thank you Lolab for your post. And Lilly...thanks for the links. not much time this am, little miss is sitting here next to me wanting breakfast. Will catch up later. Keep up the struggle...it is so worth it.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Flying by to say a quick hello. Have been on babysitting duty since 7 am.
Grateful to be sober, ready & able to help out with my grand kids. I chose to be present for my grand kids more than three years ago & I choose to remain present

Wishing everyone a terrific AF Tuesday!
Lav

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

And you are a shining example of responsible soberness, Lav. I'm not sure that's a term, but it fits! Thanks for being here.:l I hope you enjoy your grandkids today.

Hi Yogamom. Rooni, oh hun. Did you not have to work yesterday? I agree with Lolab--I have stayed away from ANYONE AND ANYWHERE there is AL since February. I still don't know if I could be around it and refuse to partake. I know you didn't actually go to the pub, though. Maybe it's time to look into Antabuse? Talk to K9, as I consider her to be an expert on it.

Just settling in at work, and checking in.

Lg

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Everone :rays:

We may actually have Sun in Seattle today. Alert the press!

Roon I still think you are doing great. This journey is so incredibly personal and though we take all sorts of different roads I know we're ending up in the same place. Sorry to sound clichee... I do hope however that bartender didnt charge you for that first mimosa !

Lilly I love the Rain in my Heart Docs. They are hard to watch but I think later on when my son is older I will have him watch the series..what a deterrent .

Lolab your posts are so right on for me. It absolutely is a private hell. A little easier though with you guys

Hugs to all this morning. Off to the markets. Yawn.
:l
Day 23

[akaMonique]

Newbies Nest

Lilly - since you like Augusten Burroughs, check out his latest book, "This is how ..." which I read one weekend just after I'd gotten sober this time. It covers a variety of topics, but really they're all about the same thing, obsession, fear, honesty ... and he writes with the candor of one who's been there. It's sort of the anti-self-help self-help book.

Lola - another insightful post. I agree 100%. You can't keep living the same life you were living before you quit drinking and expect it to be different. You may have to change friends, work, what you do for fun, how you think ... because it isn't about "not drinking" it's about creating a new life in which you can function and be happy without alcohol.

This time, I didn't want to be alone at my house at first, because that was how most of my drinking was these past few years. So I camped out at my boyfriends for most of the first couple of weeks.

Rockbottom - I've known people in their teens who successfully quit alcohol. I went to my first AA mtg when I was in my early twenties. Your concerns and fears - feeling you no longer have a choice - is exactly where I've been this past year. Until recently I had given up and just embraced my alcoholism, which was essentially a slow suicide. I didn't see how I could stop. I didn't see how I could get past some of the "problems" on which I in part blamed my drinking. Then one day I just knew I couldn't keep doing it. We all have to find that point of no return. And sometimes we keep going back to it over and over and over. Hence the misery.

Sausage - there were a few things I read in the days/weeks leading up to my finally taking that last drink that impacted me. I keep them in my wallet. I'll have to dig them out and post them.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has some good things to say in his book "Excuses no more." One of them that hit me was him talking about quitting smoking and putting it off because "it would be hard." His point being that smoking itself is hard. You spend money, you have to find a place to smoke, you have stinky breath and yellow teeth, you hide it from a lot of people because it's not socially acceptable anymore, yada yada yada. If it's hard to keep doing something and it's causing negative effects, why not quit, which will still be hard, but at least with positive results. I don't think I paraphrased that very well. But it made sense to me at the time.

For most of us, drinking, though easy to do, is hard on us and those around us. it's not fun anymore, it's just necessary to feel "normal." Spending most of my day thinking about where I'm going to buy the next bottle, or remembering to take my toothbrush when I go out to drink in my car during a break from work, or feeling like shit; not sleeping. Isolating from friends and family. Jeopardizing your work. That's all pretty hard. So was reaching out and getting professional help. Making phone calls and saying, "I'm an alcoholic with depression/anxiety issues - can you help me?" was hard. But also such a relief. The first week quitting was hard, but so much easier than keeping up the charade and that dance on the hamster wheel. To not be plagued with that daily yin and yang of "I'm not going to drink today," to the uncontrollable trip through the drive through that same evening after work and then drinking 1-2 750 ml bottles of wine.

I'm all over the place here. But you never know what weird observation you share may be of use to someone else. We're all so alike, even with our different lives and stories. Must get more coffee.

Last thought - Lilly (hi again). You quit smoking. Which is not easy either. What advice do you have for those of us who are going to try that next? I've never been a heavy smoker but am up to about a 1/3 pack a day since I quit drinking.

BFN. Take care everyone.

[Honeysoup]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning everyone...and thank you all for your help. Great inspiration Lolab, thank you!

Last night, I tried so hard to avoid wine...I think I did pretty good...not great...but good. So I had wine in the fridge from the night before and I knew it was there....just taunting me. After work I went with hubby to pick out a new recliner. Made it home by 6pm. Made dinner and ate with the family. It was nice, but the wine was still in my head. I new hubby was leaving and couldn't wait bc of course I didn't want to drink with him home and judge me. So he left FINALLY and I just sat there with my Diet Coke. Half hour later I go to the kitchen thinking to myself...Weird but I'm not really in the mood to drink tonight and tried to be strong...As I am thinking this out comes the wine glass and pour myself a drink. Sat down in my new comfy chair with my Diet Coke and wine glass....I read my daughter some books and put her to bed all while watching my favorite TV show. I think I took 3 drinks from my wine glass and was just like. "why am I drinking this, I don't even really want it." So, I got up and poured it out, got a brownie watched my show and went to bed.

I was really proud of myself, but also really confused. My body wants it but my brain don't. IDK but today is a new day and I am bright eyed and bushy tailed here at work. I plan on going to the gym after work and tan. Then it will be my big struggle. Wow, I didn't drink hardly anything last night, I went to the gym, got some motivation and will want to of course...REWARD MYSELF.

I know tonight will be tough, as of right now I feel great.

GDOG - I feel your pain! Hang in there, we can do this.

Rockbottom91: You did good by coming here...people here are AWESOME, I don't know how I can live with myself some days but when I come here to MWO. I feel so much better.

Welcome Hollysurly and newbies.

Best of luck to all today.

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

you never know what crazy thing goes through your mind that might just be of some help to someone else....

One thing that keeps me going...the thought -

"if this is my last year on this earth, do i want to spend it the way I have most of the others?

if this is my last summer on this earth, do I want to spend it the way I have spent most of the others?

if this is my last day on this earth, do I want to spend it the way I have spent most of the others?

just kind of "existing" in a half-awake state....not really fully remembering lots of things....watching the days fly by and never accomplishing the things that I want to do before my life is over...never "being" the kind of person that my son deserves for a mom because I value alcohol more than him....

nope...if today is my last day, then at least I'll know that I spent it fully present.

[rockbottom91]

Newbies Nest

Honeysoup -Its great that you were able to realize you didnt want to drink and acted on it. Theres been so many times where I have no desire to drink but drink any way cause its around and I just think if I just pound a few shots or beers real fast ill surely be in the mood. Its so confusing, No matter how drunk I get I'm never satisfied and it took me years to notice that I dont really enjoy being drunk I just want to drink for some weird reason Guess I use it as a crutch.. At first I used the common excuse, " Well its who I truly am and I can finally be myself. Wish I could feel like this everyday...." The things the drunk mind comes up with amazes me now.

akaMonique -I was doing the same thing for that past couple months, embracing my alcoholism. Accepting defeat. Tired of saying I'll never drink again just to find myself drunk a couple days later. I guess the worst thing to do is give up trying to give up drinking. Im glad I found this site and have been looking for a while for some online support system. I was very surprised to see no one really passing judgement. First time Ive gone looking for help and didnt feel worse after.

Lavande - Im glad to read you've been alcohol free. My grandmother was an alcoholic throughout my mothers whole child hood. About 5 years after I was born she decided enough was enough, been sober for about 15 years i believe. I'm so grateful to know her as the wonderful person she is now and not the self hating miserable person shes told me stories about. Its so great to know that she was there for me and sober for me if I ever needed to talk. I'm sure it feels amazing for you to be able to do that with your own grand kids. Stay an inspiration. We all need to succeed here. Stories like yours help that dream feel more possible.

LillyE -Thanks for your replys. I actually enjoy reading alot and picking up some new books is a great Idea. My support system to me seems non-existent. Every one I know pretty much drinks. I live in a house with my parents who drink daily, Any family gatherings are sure to have alcohol as a main theme and the only friends I've talked to in the past few years drink all the time also. I'm not a daily drinker. I drink a couple times a week, but mostly to the point of blacking out and waking up to a lot of regrets. Once I start drinking I wont stop to I pass out or black out. I'm becoming afraid for my health. Depression and cancer also runs in my family and when I drink i smoke a pack of ciggs in one night and have suicidal thoughts at times. I would never go through with it sober but like I've said before, as long as alcohol is in my life I cant make any promises. Which is why I'm left with no choice. I must stop. It really is a life or death situation. I cant live with the shame, I feel the only way I can stand myself is if I give up the drink now and never look back. I just cant afford to many more slip ups.

Thank you every one for reading and hope today is easier then the last. Thanks for your support.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Hey Everyone. Checking in from Atlanta. These conventions are a real test of strength. In years past, I was one of the last to leave the bar! Operating on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. This is my 5th company convention since I quit, and I went out last night to dinner and there was another guy there with us who was taking antibiotics, so neither he nor I drank, while the rest of the table had 4 rounds!!! This morning at 5 when I got up I was so glad that I wasn't the one nursing a hangover. When I got to my room at the Westin Peachtree Plaza, I noticed 2 bottles of wine by the ice bucket. Not full sized ones, maybe 2 glasses each. I took the plastic bag for the ice bucket and covered them up and said, oh no hell you don't!!! I thought how easy it would be to fall into that. Just me here and those 2 bottles of wine! After thinking thru all the consequences, the sad truth emerged. If I drank those 2 small bottles of wine, they wouldn't be enough. There is never enough. The next one isn't enough. So there will be NONE! I am very proud of myself coexisting with those 2 bottles here in my room. I will not cave in no matter what or no matter who. Hang tough everyone, this isn't for sissies!!! Byrdie

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

Evening all. I'm cooking a pork loin in the oven...I'll let you know if it turns out good. Also doing a rice and artichoke dish.

Monique and Byrdlady, I wanted to ask you guys a favor. If you could post a reply to Pingu in "Pingu's Dilemma" under Gen Discussion I think it would help her a lot. She is having problems with her (one year!) sobriety and wondering what could it hurt to have a drink. Since you both have long term AF, and the experience of relapse, maybe it could help.

Lg

[rockbottom91]

Newbies Nest

Hey Byrdlady, You have accomplished something to be proud of. I cant wait for the day where I can have temptation staring me in the face and I can say no. Hopefully its one day soon. Reading about every ones desire to quit drinking or succeses with it for long periods of time makes me feel normal and like less of a failure. One day at a time I guess. I'll get there. Im glad to see your still doing great at resisting temptation
:goodjob:

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

Hi rockbottom. I don't think we've met. Somehow we post at odd times from each other, I guess. Good to see you here. I'm at day 31...started in February, got to 39 days and drank. My last drink was a glass of wine on May 12. Taking it one day at a time.

Lg

[rockbottom91]

Newbies Nest

Hello Library girl, I'm new to the site, just came across it two nights ago. I'm already loving it, its really helping me feel strong enough to at least try and quit. Happy to hear you got right back to it after your slip. Grats on the 30 day mark. Today is Day 2 for me. Since I've started I have not been able to go 2 weeks with out a drink. My goal right now is the 3 week mark. Just trying to keep a positive mind and get there. But still trying to remember to take it one day at a time.