Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

LibraryGirl, at your prompting, I left Pingu a note. Gosh, I hope she doesn't cave. What a shame that would be. Thank you for steering me over there...things like that keep me vigilant....I can never let my guard down or think that I'm 'over it'. It's not a battle anymore, thank god...so I hope she gets to that place, too. You are a good friend to look out for others like that. Byrdie

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, I read your post. Thank you for that. I replied too. She is a friend, like all others here who share this same struggle, although I didn't really know her before today. I hope she reads what you've written because it is powerful.:l

Lg

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

HollySurly, welcome. Tell us more about you!

Awh Roonie, hugs. I think Lolab's advice is spot on. I struggle with this too. At the moment I am trying to do pretty much what she suggests - basically being a hermit and spending a lot of time either at the gym or just at home reading and watching DVDs - BUT it is just not possible to do all the time. For example, a close friend's birthday dinner Friday night where I knew booze would be a big part and it was. I suppose I could have not gone but it would have felt really rude - and I would have had to lie and say I was sick or something. I got through it but in a weaker moment... who knows?

So, yeah, I think you do have to consciously try not to expose yourself to these temptation situations at least in the beginning, just as you've been doing by not going to the pool with your drinking buddies. I also wondered if you were working yesterday? I hope you're feeling better today. No point beating yourself up more. Use it as a learning experience. What is your game plan to succeed? Also, think about your reasons for doing this - what are they? Are you really committed to it? If not, why not? What's your motivation? I ask as I think that's always been a big part of my relapsing. Like Lolab said, part of me still doesn't really want to give it up 100%. Currently I'm just trying to take a leap of faith that if I get it out of my life for a decent spell that motivation will grow.

RockBottom, great to hear more from you and yes, you will find it a judgement-free zone here. We've all been at that day one - most of us many times. We all come from very different places and backgrounds but share so many similarities when it comes to this struggle. I also love that I can come here and be totally honest about stuff I haven't revealed to anyone IRL - just how hard it is sometimes. I'm really sorry to hear that you don't have a good support system and glad you can at least find it here. Have you ever tried to talk to your parents about it? Are they too in denial about their own drinking that they wouldn't be supportive? Is it a conversation you could have or have had? Have you also thought about finding a local AA chapter? I have yet to go to a meeting myself - much of AA philosophy just doesn't seem very 'me' - but I am considering it lately simply to find others in real life going through the same shit. I also want to add that I've been thinking about the suicidal thoughts lately - I have also had them when drunk. You know what, no matter how down I feel - when I am not drinking there is no way I ever feel suicidal. It is 100% the booze talking! You sound wise beyond your years and I'm really glad you're tackling this NOW not in 10, 20, 40 years. You can do this. Keep posting. (Where are you anyway? Wondering if you're southern hemisphere too from your posting times?)

Monique, I'd been meaning to check out 'This is How' after I read about it in a review this weekend. Will order today off Book Depository - thanks. Also, I like this a lot from you:

tting drinking. Interestingly, for me, when I did finally quit smoking - after a year on the on-off 'trying to quit' miserable hamster wheel - that was when my drinking, which was already pretty heavy, suddenly spiraled more out of control, which ultimately led me to begin to address it as my anxiety and depression correspondingly got worse and worse. My therapist says this is unsurprising - when we quit one addiction often another rushes in to take its place. Sounds to me like this could be happening to you in reverse.

I would say, you have quit drinking successfully and there are so many similarities, so take those tools you've learned and apply them to quitting smoking! I am trying to do the same in reverse. All those things you've said ... it's hard to quit but it's just as hard to smoke with the difference being that the only payoff of continuing to smoke is more misery, whereas if you can knuckle down through the hard part of quitting and get through to the other side there are soooooo many benefits to being quit. I LOVE that I've finally quit. It is SUCH a huge relief. It still makes me delighted to think about. (I smoked heavily for over 20 years.) I rarely think of smoking anymore except to think how happy I am that I've quit - but also that I still need to be vigilant never to think I can just take that "one puff" or I just know I'd be right back to a pack a day in no time.

For me, just as you said about your drinking, that you realised you just couldn't do it anymore, that's what really led me to quitting. I spent 11 months "trying to quit", never going more than 3 weeks before 'slipping'. The last time I didn't know it was the last time - I thought it was yet another attempt. But I think I was just so bloody thoroughly sick and tired of the whole horrible hamster wheel that I finally just dug my heels in and did it cold turkey.

Specifically, other things that helped - reading at the forums Quit Smoking (About.com) and Why Quit dot com. Allen Carr's book and his approach - though I had to read it about six times for it to stick! Lots of water and exercise and frozen grapes to suck on in the early days (or whatever the hell works - I know Carr says 'no substitutions' but I needed something to suck on sometimes) and sheer bloody mindedness.

Oh, and one small thing that weirdly helped me tremendously. I downloaded a free app called "Since I Quit" which tracks your days since your last cigarette, money saved etc. I promised myself if I had so much as a puff I had to reset the counter. The more the days added up the less I wanted to. I just looked at it now: 1 year, 8 weeks free; 6316 cigarettes NOT smoked and $4210 saved

And, as of tonight, TWO WEEKS AF!

Lilly x

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Wow, just read Pingu's thread. That's some powerful stuff.

I just had another realisation, looking out the window in the pouring rain - it's winter here and very cold and wet right now - this time last year I was pretty much in EXACTLY the same place. Trying to quit. Going 2-3 weeks. Relapsing. Beating myself up. Posting here. Journalling. Reading books about sobriety. Wondering if I *really* had a problem. Rise and repeat.

I don't want to be stuck in the same place NEXT winter.

[rockbottom91]

Newbies Nest

LillyE -I have only been to AA a few times and it was when I was younger I'd go with my grandmother. I have been thinking about going with again now that I actually need support for my own problem with drinking. I have talked to my parents about my wanting to quit drinking. Of course they think its a great idea but they really dont see a problem with their own drinking and still drink pretty often. I've never seen my parents falling down drunk or anything to bad. They actually seem fairly normal, but they do drink every day and there is always a case of beer in the house and the temptation wears on me. I have been wanting to move out and plan on saving up but my job is based in Los Angelos CA, so I have to stay close to the county and its so expensive here and seems almost impossible at the moment to afford my own place. I feel like living in a house where alcohol is present on a daily bases will be my downfall. I'm trying to stay optimistic though untill i can hopefully afford my own place by the end of the year.
Congrats btw for 2 weeks AF! :goodjob:

[SAUSAGE]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters

LG and Byrdie - I've left Pingu a reply on her thread also, I so hope she doesn't cave.... I suggested she took a peek in the Newbirs nest to see all those people struggling to get off this terrible hamster wheel in the early days.

Byrdie glad you stayed string with those mini wine bottles, your post, really helped me.
I'm off for a few days down south tomorrow, to a conference and dinner and then to London for a few days to catch up with various friends, former colleagues, people I was at uni with. They will all be expecting me to drink, but I'm determined not to, there will be lots of alcohol around.

I have a long day at work then one evening swim club with kids and packing tonight. Fly Edinburgh to Heathrow tomorrow am. Not sure if I'll post much as I hate it from my IPhone but I will be reading MWO whilst I'm away,

Stay strong everyone, will update you properly next week

Sausage x
Day 112

[akaMonique]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady, sorry I didn't connect all the dots when I referenced you starring down those bottles at your conference in my novella-length post for Pingu. Good for you! I have two open bottles here from my party on Sunday. I have to admit, it was tempting today for about 1/2 second. But there they sit in the Pantry until my BF takes them away. I also packed up my Riedel stemless wine glasses. Sigh.

LibraryGirl, you are a sweet soul. Thank you for asking me to post. Pingu certainly has a lot of good friends. I hope she realizes that. And you got my story out of me! The cliff notes version, anyway.

Rockbottom, hope your Day 2 was easier/successful. Keep us posted.

Goodnight, all. I'm going to go catch up on the season finale of Mad Men.

XoXoXo

[akaMonique]

Newbies Nest

Lilly - Congrats on 2 weeks! That's awesome. I'm sorry it's still white-knuckling. I hope that passes. And thanks for the quit-smoking support. I'm not quite ready yet; I think one huge thing at a time, but your tips will be helpful. "Thinking" about quitting is the first step, right?

Rockbottom - LA is expensive. What about renting a room in a sober house?

Sausage - have a great trip and think about how you want to remember it when you get back. Be strong!

Anyone considering AA: I was grateful for the companionship of AA in my early (previous) sobriety. Now I have more philosophical differences with it. But don't overthink it. Check it out. If you feel better after a meeting than when you went in, that's a good thing. If it provides another support system, that's a good thing. If it makes you more accountable, that's a good thing.

OK, now goodnight, really.

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Monique, I hear you re the smoking thing and quitting drinking needs to be your priority right now. Besides, from my own experience I think you really do have to be 'ready' to quit. I'll tell you what I tell my few remaining smoker friends - I'll never hassle you to quit, that never helped me any, but if you decide to I will totally be your personal cheerleading team

RockBottom, I just want to say this again: It is GREAT that you are trying to address this at your age. I 100% guarantee you that if you let it go and just keep giving in to your alcoholism you WILL look back in 10, 20, however many years time, when you've lost so much more, and wish you'd stayed with it now. I think it's Byrdie who has wisely said here that your relationship with alcohol today is as good as it's ever going to get. It will get worse. I'm glad you parents are at least supportive theoretically. What do you think would happen if you sat them down and really impressed upon them how serious you are and how hard it is for you to have alcohol around all the time? Do you think maybe they don't realise how bad it's gotten for you? Just a thought... Also, is rehab an option? And would they support you through that financially by any chance? Failing that, yeah, getting out and getting your own place, or renting with people who don't drink could be an option?

Sausage, I KNOW you are going to make it through this trip AF and I look forward to hearing about how great you feel for doing so. We've got faith in you lady. You can do this.

Regarding AA: I had told myself I'd go this week but I'm still putting it off. It's scary and also it doesn't sit well with me. But, that said, I agree with Monique that if it helps - great. And, as people have said here before you can take what you like and leave the rest, right? Mainly I'd just like some new non drinking friends. I have plenty of friends - supportive friends even - but it's still hard when they all drink and a lot of them drink A LOT. I only have one friend who really "gets" the alcoholic's struggle, 'cause she's been there, and she's off in crazy lost-the-plot la-la IVF hormone land right now.

I know keeping on white knuckling is asking for trouble. I know what I need to do - build that motivation and my gratitude attitude - but I'm struggling. Still, two weeks is great. Feeling accountable here is great. If I make it to 30 days that'll be a big first.

Lilly x

[pingu1997]

Newbies Nest

I had to look in here after all your kind posts
Thank you
Some thought provoking stuff
Acceptance is areal struggle, I'm fighting a battle
But I will get there one way or another
Hugs p3 x

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Hi Pingu, I hope you've managed to hang tough and that all those great replies you got helped. They gave me food for thought too for sure. And CONGRATS on a year sober!

I accidentally posted the following on your thread instead of here - sorry - so here it is again...

Wow Monique, I just read your story, I'm glad you shared. And I'm so glad you're finding your way back to sobriety. And you're a fellow freelance writer! Or you were anyway. I should have known - only a writer would use semi colons in forum posts Kudos on being published in the Washington Post btw - I'd want to celebrate that day too. What was or is your specialty area? Business perhaps from the sound of it?

Reading posts like this is such a huge help to me right now because there are still those nagging voices at the back of my brain telling me I don't *really* have a problem as I can go out, drink, and still work, have a social life etc. BUT, I know I drink alcoholically - that increased tolerance, inability to stop once I really get going, the black outs, the anxiety, the depression, the horrible hangovers etc. But it's so easy to read other stories here and justify ("well I've never drunk in the morning" etc) and forget that it could, likely is, just leading to that "worse" if I keep going. And maybe the specifics are irrelevant.

Can I share a shameful secret? On my last night in Thailand I went out with friends for drinks. I'd actually been pretty restrained the previous week as a friend was staying with me who is one of those "normal" light drinkers who'll have one or two max and be done. I'd had drinks with her on a number of nights but only ever a couple. So, that night - she had left that morning - I could feel myself swigging down the margaritas really fast right from the first one - as if making up for lost time. I had several at the bar - not sure how many... maybe 4 or 5? But then, when I got home, there was this nasty cheap bottle of tequila in the apartment. Not that I had bought - left over from the previous tenants. And I ended up swilling it straight from the bottle, just wanting "more" - you all know how that feeling, right? God knows how much. Enough that I woke up dimly aware of what I'd done and wondering where that bottle was - had I drunk it all? Found it on the table by my laptop - prayed I hadn't got on my laptop and posted or emailed anything stupid while pissed. Was soooo sick all day. Not just the usual hangover sick but these horrendous stomach cramps every 10 minutes that went on forever - presumably from the gut rot quality of this booze. Almost didn't think I'd be able to make my plane. So, I spent my last day in Thailand - not visiting some final food spots, getting a massage and lounging by the pool as I'd planned, but doubled over in agony in the toilet.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it's the image - there are others but this is the most recent and compelling - that I'm trying to hold in my head when I start to think I can drink "normally" and that alcohol is fun. That's not normal drinking. And it's definitely no fun. And yet those voices still call to me... this is one hell of a devilish addiction sometimes.

I'm going to post this before I get too embarrassed and can't. Like Monique said, if the rambling helps anyone then it's good and it helps me to get it out.

Lilly

[rooniferd]

Newbies Nest

[b]LillyE;1333872 wrote:
Awh Roonie, hugs. I think Lolab's advice is spot on. I struggle with this too. At the moment I am trying to do pretty much what she suggests - basically being a hermit and spending a lot of time either at the gym or just at home reading and watching DVDs - BUT it is just not possible to do all the time. For example, a close friend's birthday dinner Friday night where I knew booze would be a big part and it was. I suppose I could have not gone but it would have felt really rude - and I would have had to lie and say I was sick or something. I got through it but in a weaker moment... who knows?

So, yeah, I think you do have to consciously try not to expose yourself to these temptation situations at least in the beginning, just as you've been doing by not going to the pool with your drinking buddies. I also wondered if you were working yesterday? I hope you're feeling better today. No point beating yourself up more. Use it as a learning experience. What is your game plan to succeed? Also, think about your reasons for doing this - what are they? Are you really committed to it? If not, why not? What's your motivation? I ask as I think that's always been a big part of my relapsing. Like Lolab said, part of me still doesn't really want to give it up 100%. Currently I'm just trying to take a leap of faith that if I get it out of my life for a decent spell that motivation will grow.

Thanks Lilly. Yes, you and Lolab are right. I've got to stay away from those tempting situations and people. The sad part is that drinking is pretty much my only social outlet, and drinking buddies are my only friends. Giving up alcohol is giving up a lot more than that. But it has to be done. I know people do it all the time, and I hear their advice. They live like a hermit at first, but soon, the alcohol induced haze starts lifting, they start feeling human again, and they seek out friendships and activities that don't involve drinking.

It's a lifestyle change, for sure. God, I wish this wasn't so damn hard. I am so fed up with the hamster wheel too.

I obviously have not put together a very good plan, and obviously my commitment level is not where it should be. I need to work on those two things.

My fitness boot camp starts Monday, and I know for a fact that I can't be successful at that if I drink. I just can't screw that up.

Anyway, I really appreciate the support. There are so many stories and lessons to learn just hearing other people talk about their experiences with the beast. My we find comfort and strength in each other....

[akaMonique]

Newbies Nest

Lilly - Thanks for sharing your "shameful" secret. Although that's a fairly normal chapter in my book. And please don't take my ramblings as indicative of my writing .. semi-colons or no. Here I just let it out. Hence the lack of editing and excessive length of my posts. Half of my career has been business/marketing communications, half advertising copywriting and I definitely prefer the latter. BTW, I think I recognize your avatar; is it that devastatingly funny woman? If so I lost her website URL - can you share?

I have to get ready for work.

Have a great day everyone. Hang tight. Or not tight, rather.

[rockbottom91]

Newbies Nest

Hey LillyE, Stay strong, you can make it 30 days. One thing that really helps me is really thinking about how I feel when I'm drunk. Sure theres been a couple times when It was fun and no problem but 99% of the time I was miserable. One was never enough, not even 7 or 8... I started to realize I like the process of drinking not really being drunk. I was never satisfied, always anxious then woke up with loss of memory and regrets....doesnt really sound like a fun time or sweet escape when you really think about it. Today can always be worse. If you add a splash of AL your guaranteeing that it will. I know the shame and regret from drinking is what will kill me after realizing all the problems its caused and the people I've let down and hurt because of it. I want to be a person some one is proud to know. I know AL will only prevent me from being the person I want to be and accomplishing the goals I've set for myself. Guess thats my motivation for now. Day 3 AF. Hope this optimism sticks.
Hang in there every one. I know we can do this.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Library Girl! You slipped in under the radar!!! Look at you with 30 days!!! It is with great pride that I present to you your 30 Day HAT!!! :day5: Woot!! Woot!!! Well done! Here's to the next 30! XXOO, Byrdie