Newbies Nest

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone!

I am doing an "end of the day" check in as opposed to my usual morning one. You'll notice that my usual mood of "happy" is at "grumpy" today...that's for 2 reasons: 1) it's Monday; and 2) I read a thread that brought me down, and I even lowered myself to comment in it. Ah well, hopefully things will die down and be better tomorrow.

Daisy - I know you feel bad enough about the last couple of days. I'm glad you came right back...any idea what triggered you to give in after 68 days? Identifying that will be a huge weapon against this happening again.

Everyone have a good night...I'm hoping to switch my mood back tomorrow

K9

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Hi Daisy:

I am right along side you. Turn your 6 into a 2 and we both have an 8 at the end. But whether it's 5 pounds ot loose or 50 I know the hardness and thinking is the same.
I slipped back back Saturday. No excuses of course just an explaination. More just to put it out there if you know what I mean.
From the moment my OB said congratulations It's a boy, I secretly said to myself, I'm going ot wreck him. I know it. I have no formal trianing in the male department and th eonly thing my husband could tell me was 'Boys kill things and put them in their pockets.' I bought every book I could get, Talked to every mom of boys, read to Matt, took him everywhere, loved him. Felt good. Then came the twins and I htought..."They are going to rip this kid to shreds.'

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

Matilda is beautiful, Lav! I love dogs!:h I have a lab and a Jack Russell mix. And four cats...we're wondering how in the hell we can vacation.:H Imagine the cost of boarding all of them! Plus, I don't really have anyone I can trust to house sit or even come in and feed them. My JR is skittish around other people and would be a nervous wreck. I guess we are confined to day trips until we can figure something out.

Cindi, the timer idea is really good! I would probably rush into the kitchen thinking I left something on the stove or in the oven.:H Wonder what people would think if I started carrying around an egg timer, rofl!

Welcome back K9. I read and commented in that thread as well. I know it was/is somewhat negative, but it seems like a lot of people had some stuff they wanted to get off their chests! It will die down very soon, I'm sure.:l

Onwards and upwards...

Lg

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Sorry I meant to continue here. Not certain why that posted.
Anyway, I say all that because now fast forward and I see that none of that is true. Matt is his own person with his own mind and his own mission and now I am just terrified for him. Saturady morning after a great Friday night where I farmed out the Twins and took him to Dinner and Bowling he got on the phone to his dad (who was working out of town) after I told him he couldnt have his friend over and I heard him telling him what a crazy bitch I was. That he was horse form screaming all week. That he couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't normal...When was he going to divorce me! It was fucking horrible. It was all lies. It was all sick.
My husband came home that night and I just fell apart. Bought a bottle of rum and had a few drinks and watched voyager and went to bed. That's it.
Sunday felt like crap and could barely look at Matt. Even when he came up in my bed with me as I was reading and asked we could watch Thor! God of Thunder...WTF???

This morning I finally told my husband about my Struggle. I told him that I was trying not to drink and I had a lot of work to do. I think he understands. His dad was an alcoholic but He rarely drinks. That was a huge step for me. It's also another story
Anyway Matt has a counseling appointment next week and we are sceduled tommorow to meet with her and give her the low down. Matt is doing some insane shit...His thinking is so whacked out...

Byrd - You post this We don't want to see our drinking selves. If I could only give you the future to see now....well, maybe I can. If you stay on the course you are on...I see your drinking being worse in 6 months, not better. I see your health and ambition dimishing. I see that the only thing you care about is having enough AL to get your next good buzz, to the exclusion of family, friends...you name it. AL plays for all the marbles. It plays to win. And it wins every time. My money is always on AL.
Well I saw myself Sunday morning. I really did. I can not be her in six months. I have to be THERE! In a place to get Matt the help he needs. In a place to get me the help I need. In a place to get my family the help it needs. I did glimpse the future Byrd and you are right on.
Daisy- I dont feel like I am on day 2 though even though I say day 2. As someone who drank almost every fricken day for years, for me to not only get to 28 but to get there not dieing and then have this back assed slip, I really am continueing. Never giving up. No way
Despite all the shit that went down on That Thread, MWO is still the greatest. And the poeple here are spectacular. I wish I could hug each and everyone and have many cups of coffee or tea on the couch and watch Voyager.

I'm going to have a good cry now. I have lots more ot say and I also want to post on the one step thread. Peopel PM's form there to.
I hope some of this helps someone.
Hugs and sorry this is so long !
:l

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

Kradle, I'm really sorry that happened with Matt.:l I remember saying some terrible things about my parents when I was a child, especially when they wouldn't let me do what I wanted. I am certain that he didn't mean it, but I know how deeply it must have hurt.

I believe you are a very strong person, and I know you can dust yourself off and get back in the saddle. If need be, Dest. can put you on a gentle nag.:H:H With a lead rope so I can pull you around the ring.:H I have a mental image that is just hysterical!

We can all do this people! We're in it to win it!

LG

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Kradle and K9; still peeping in tonight. Thank you for being supportive.
Kradle, your kids sound a lot younger than mine, but I do have my gripes which I tend not to speak about. Maybe I should; maybe being more open would be the thing to do here.....I feel I hold back but really appreciate those who don't. I'm like this in everyday life too though.....I hold onto a lot of stuff and don't tell anyone....

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Daisy and Kradle...you have already been more adult about your fall than I ever was....I ran away from the nest. I ran away from the very help and support I needed. No words of mine can give you a re-do....well, hell, maybe they can! That's because you must pick yourself up and get right back up and learn from this. If you take a step forward in your thinking then all is not lost. We can start this over again right now. In 20 years when we are all talking about when we first started, the small amount of differences in our start dates won't matter. I'm sure there's no one beating you up as badly as each of you are your selves. Don't let this bastard win. Out of all our strength we can do this. You are not alone and we will get past this. Starting right now. AL will not take one more day of your life away. Life breaks everybody, but we're all stronger in the broken places. Byrdie

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Life breaks everybody, but we're all stronger in the broken places

God I hope so Byrdie. Sometimes I feel like I should be in a body cast...
I have a funny story though that relates to your incredible insight and strong words (and you can nail it, I must say!)

So last year, I asked one of the twins to go weed the Strawberry patch. It was overgrown and the weeds were pretty rampant and distinguishable..or so I thought. About 30 minutes pass and she comes in saying 'All done, Mom.' So I Pop out to the patch and find every bloody plant, weeds and all lieing in the wheel barrel, ripped up, roots hanging, leaves dangling. Just a big bare patch were all the plants were. It was horrible !

I almost had a stroke. I'm sorry but I loved that stupid patch. . That patch took 2 years and a alotof effort to create. It was really special to me, very nastolgic.... Anyway, I didn't say a word to her just thanks for weeding, honey, go wash up... and then my husband and I spent 2 hours planting every single strawberry plant back into the patch. We added new soil, food, hands and knees, dark out but I really thought, Well that's the end of that.

So This year after weeding (Madison helped and she did learn of her mistake to which she was intiialy upset) you wouldn't BEILEVE THE CROP COMING UP AND OUT !! They are vineing everywhere. There are bunches and bunches on almost every plant. They are already ripe, fat and red and it's not even July- in Seattle to have ANY crop this early is almost unheard of (well for me at least) I can hardly contain them. They are trying to escape out of the patch and go out into the yard. It is simply amazing.

So I am using the Strawberry patch as a metaphor for the kids as a place where you can think you have made your biggest mistakes, you can htink you have utterly destroyed something and it's gone forever but with a little replanting, the right care and conditions, TIME and a little slug bait, what you thought was the one of the biggest disaster of your life turns out to be one your greatest victories.

I know this Story may sound a litle maudlin but it really reminded me of the patch. I wish I could send a pic of it but I'm tech- illiterate

LB: I love the image of you and Dest and me going round and round on 'the nag'
Love the double entendre' You guys can nag me anytime. And I bet your having warm wonderful weather down there to.

Hugs to all,
I'll save some strawberies
:l
.

[BelleGirl]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,
I have not written here in quite a while...and there are a lot of new faces here. I do browse daily and have watched the struggles and successes. Unfortunately I am not much of a writer...it does not come easy to me, so I always seem to procrastinate when the need arises.

I am still AF, and just hit 22 weeks last Friday. I am still learning. I loved the posts I read from Lolab and Byrdie earlier today. Maybe they are just what pushed me to show my face.

The most interesting things that happened recently was that in May there were 2 events: Mother's Day and my Wedding anniversary. I was worried for a while before that wondering how I would handle those events. My husband usually makes a fine meal for Mother's day with a nice bottle of wine to serve. Anniversary is usually out to dinner. For some reason I gave myself permission to drink ahead of time on those two occasions. Why, I don't know. But when the time came, it was almost like an auto-pilot came on and said "nah...I don't think so...no Thank you". I really did not want to. I don't want to be foggy headed anymore, much less feeling crap the next day and regretful. I am not at the point of swearing I will be AF forever, but I do feel very good right where I am without AL being a part of my life.

I even made a gin and tonic for the husband one night (I held my breath as to not bring on temptation with the "fumes"). He might have 1 drink every week or 2. Did not bother me a bit. I think he has been in denial about my "problem", and has not questioned me about my not drinking. I did tell him that I have decided I feel better when I don't drink. true.

It is summer vacation and boy did I ever ruin last summer with my drinking. I believe Lolab mentioned being a little worried about the hurdle of summer vacation. So am I. I don't feel like drinking for sure, but never know when a situation or feeling will change all that. I can't let myself get complacent.

I will keep coming here. I would never have made it to this place in my life without MWO. I wish my words would flow easier. And with the kids around, it is hard to keep a thought going for more than 20 seconds sometime.:H

Take care all...we are all good people fighting the same demon. If you slip, don't go away. This is the fight of our lives.
:h

[BelleGirl]

Newbies Nest

Kradle, xPost.

Love the strawberry story!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

That's an amazing story, Kradle....I think it is representative of what's going on in your life....we will get out of this patch of weeds, and great things will grow. It happened to me and it's your turn. Thank you for sharing that. Byrdie

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

I loved the strawberry patch story, Kradle. You and I could write children's books and become famous (and rich)!!! What do you say?!:bling

Thanks for coming out to post, Belle Girl. Some powerful stuff there! It's really quite a step forward that you decided not to drink even after you'd given yourself permission. I think that's profound.:goodjob:

BF and I are thinking of getting away just for a day and a half this coming weekend, and I have teetered on and off about maybe having a drink or two. I have resisted saying anything on here, because for one, I feel like I'm a complete dumb ass to consider it, and two, I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it. How's that for honesty? So, I'm slinking off to my bedroom now to read. Don't think too badly of me.

Lg

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Belle:

Loved your Post and finally figured out what 'Xpost' means !

I loved your post. I's funny I also have husband that doesn't really drink and he doesn't truly 'get' the struggle.

Thus...here we are
:l

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Wow, thank you all for those kind and encouraging posts, particularly Lolab and Byrdie.

Byrdie, wow, your post meant the world to me today as I sit here still depressed, mad at myself, incredibly grumpy and to boot I'm in the midst of computer hell so haven't yet been able to get any work done and it's nearly noon. (Why do IT issues always crop up when you're least in the mood to deal with it?)

I can relate to all you said. I have *definitely* learnt that after a period 'dry' my drinking, when I do it, is worse, not better. I mean, it might actually be 'better' the first night or two but when it goes off the rails again.... watch out. It's like my body is making up for lost time and trying to guzzle all the alcohol it's missed out on.

And, I think this is partly why I'm pissed off with myself today. Even the two to three week spells give me a glimpse of that. And I really DO NOT want to be in the same place - or worse - a year from now. So I know I need to buckle down and just do it. I was thinking again today about quitting both my previous addictions - cigarettes and, many years ago, I quit a heavy pot habit. When I think back to those days now I shudder and there is NO WAY I want to be back there but it wasn't always easy and I didn't at the time believe I wouldn't always miss it. So I can see that future with Alcohol - where you're at now - but it's going to take some hard work, clearly, to get there.

I've been analysing this morning WHY I drank on Sunday when in truth a big part of me didn't really want to. In this case it came down to feeling like I was being 'boring' 'a party pooper' 'no fun' if I didn't. This wasn't undue peer pressure from my friend but my own shit. And when I think about it that is a CRAZY reason to drink when I've been feeling so good about NOT drinking. I'm 37 FFS. I shouldn't care if people think I'm not being a 'fun partier' if I'm doing what's good for me and feels right. I've been that party girl for years and look where it's led me? I have to learn to be more firm and confident in my choice to be AF.

K9 do you mean the 'If I arrived at MWO today thread'? That thread depressed me anyway and I'm not a longtimer here. The tone and some of the comments were just very negative.

Kradle, :l

Library Girl - OH NO YOU DON'T! Congratulations on being brave enough to post so honestly here but nononono! Do you really want that? Have you forced yourself to fast forward to how you'll feel afterwards? How you'll feel if that then means you relapse completely into full on drinking? Would it REALLY be just a 'drink or two'? Really? You are going so well. Of course you can decide to choose to drink but please weigh it all up properly first instead of avoiding really thinking about it, then doing it, then feeling all the regret after. If you weigh it all up and decide that's really what you want, well, you're an adult who can make your own choices. But I reckon it's not worth it for you, really, and that deep down you know that. No judgement my dear - just a little food for thought I hope.

Welcome Cinders! And welcome back Bellegirl. I remember your previous posts about those events coming up and I'm really happy to hear you got through them AF! And you had a good time still, right? And feel proud of yourself now too I hope.

Thanks again all and especially Byrdie for saying just what I most need to hear today!

:thanks:

L

[Gdog]

Newbies Nest

LillyE - Day one just about done. Very grateful. Staying humble. Lets keep one day at a time. BTW 17 days is really solid if that helps at all. Not to many of those stretches for me these last years.