Newbies Nest

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

It just seems others are so lucid here. So clear with their goals and motivations....
All I know for certain is I am so self loathing sometimes it's hard to breathe and I look back on a wrecked life that others dont see that way but I do and looking at 1,2,3,4 years and beyond not drinking looks gigantic like a glaciar to me.

But I know I have to get there.
I know I have to get to 30.
I know I have to get out from under my own fricken ego.
I know I could have been someone really great if I had just been someone else

Kradle that sounds EXACTLY as I felt when I was drinking and newly sober. I spent so much time thinking about regrets and time wasted and the only way to escape those awful feelings was to numb them with alcohol...which just added to them...another day wasted. And my life was slipping away - day by day. I couldn't imagine getting out of the rat race - it seemed like an impossible feat - to actually live without drinking.

But alot of what you are feeling is from the drinking itself. It takes time - plenty of time of being sober - to see that a real life is possible...for the alcohol to get out of your body and for your thinking to change. I 'used' all those negative feelings - regrets - at first, to keep me from going back there...but you have to be careful that they don't drive you back to a feeling of desperation that you want to numb out.

You're still here....that's a good thing! Honest. I WAS where you are a year ago. I had done 30 days, and then went back to drinking. I tried and fell, many many times last summer....and I'm determined to make this last quit my last one. I don't feel regretful about my wasted alcohol fueled years anymore...(I'm 48)...it's amazing really amazing the difference that a short amount of AF time can make. I think that if you decide how to make it 30 days - supplements, CD's, what you're going to drink, who you're going to avoid, how you're going to get through witching hours (mine was all day-I literally drank all day and night.) and how you're going to divert your attention when the cravings hit....and focus on the 30 days, you will be amazed at how positive you feel at the end of that time period. :l

[LillyE]

Newbies Nest

Welcome back LifeChange. What happened with the 'modding'. Shall we take it by that it was unsuccessful? I hope you're feeling ok and I hope you resisted the temptation tonight.

Well done Didz on an AF evening & resisting the Maccas. HA - re burger and sausage, that hadn't occurred to me. We just need some chips now. Maybe someone should change their name. I quite like the idea of Hot Chips as a name...

Well, I read on here and watched a DVD. Still feel a bit meh and boring and down about not going to the party - and another one actually that'd I'd completely forgotten I'd even been invited to until I saw it again tonight on Facebook, also at a bar. Oh well. I guess I've got some ways to go on that 'gratitude versus deprivation' thinking. Tonight I feel deprived but hopefully tomorrow morning I'll feel grateful when I wake up all perky with a clear head and full wallet.

Right. Bubble bath, book and bed for me. Whoo - party time! Night all.

[Destiniey]

Newbies Nest

Lifechange.....it is so nice to see you back! It sounds like you have a wonderful day planned . I have realized that I personally can't mod....I end up drinking more! It's either all or nothing for me. Buying a bottle and telling myself I will just have a couple ends up in quite a bender. Ugh...such a vicious cycle!!!!!
:welcome: We are so glad that you are going to join us in Boot Camp. I am on day 5 and would also like to give myself the gift of 30 days AF. Hmmmmm.....I wonder if I am going to be the same person....I have been drinking my entire adult life except for when I was pregnant. Who the hell am I! Ha!


Burger...I wish so much that I could help but I have NO idea about cocaine or Bac. I think there is a thread on here...it may be under General Discussion...but I know it is all about Bac and Topa and what-not...perhaps there is info there! Good luck and keep us posted!

[Destiniey]

Newbies Nest

LillyE.....I am so proud of you for hanging tough and not goint to the bar. You have every right to do what you need to do to stay AF...be selfish and think about yourself and what is right for you. As for your friend saying your boring I think it's safe to say that when she is hungover and feeling like crap in the morning she will wish she was a "boring" person too! Ha! When you wake up tomorrow morning and use the bathroom...just think how nice it is to not have to be bent over it with the dry heaves! Have a great night and congrats on another day AF....we are so gonna do this!!!!!!!!!!

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

burger I was going to post a link to the meds section but saw a thread with your name on it so you found it!

Hey lifechange - good to see you back.

Fancy a sausage and a burger on the same post! ROFL!!! So do they do random breathalyzers in Sydney! I can imagine how you felt. I still feel proud of myself when I even drive near a police car and know if I got pulled over it would be my driving skills and not any impairment!

butterbean, lily, LG, destiny, hang tough anyone doing the boot camp...it can be so helpful to be on the same page with someone else - when I quit Windy and I were a day apart and we were amazed at the similar things we were going through at the same time. I was lucky that she kept her quit long enough for me to get on stable ground....just be careful - if one person chooses to drink before your 30 days is up - just don't use it as an excuse to drink. I could have seen myself saying "well, heck - she drank - this is impossible...I'm going to too."

You can be in this together and lean on each other some - but in the end you are in this for YOU.

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Destiny that is so very true! who the hell am I? At first, it's a weird unknown - but then it turns into cool kind of discovery. I'm still trying to figure it out!

[Destiniey]

Newbies Nest

Lola.....that was a very powerful post!!!! I can so totally relate to it that is why I want to get to 30 days AF. I think by then I will be much clearer in my head...my thinking....my actions and my consequences. I went 17 days last month and felt soo good but then got too comfortable with my AF days and caved. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I just have to stop letting myself get hit by the train!!!!!!! Thanks o much for that post!

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

:l Destiny

Lily I had missed your struggle from last night...or tonight... You did good. :-)
Great job on listening to your instincts...when you're feeling vulnerable, you have to. And the good news is you always won't feel so vulnerable. Pretty soon, I bet you'll have all kinds of choices of things to do that won't be tempting to you....

[Destiniey]

Newbies Nest

Hi Didz....what the hell....do they just radomly give breathalyzers in Sydney. How great that you were able to tell the cop you were sober!!!! I think if I got pulled over and they did that I would've messed my pants! Ha! I have never even gotten a speeding ticket and I am 42 years old!
Zero reading for a Friday night...perhaps the cop knows sign language:finger:

[burger]

Newbies Nest

lolab
thanks for looking for thread for me think i've found some people in the know
wonder if there's a chicken leg out there to go with a sausage and burger!

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Day 5 and 4 nights w/o AL. I haven't done this well in probably ten years. To go a full week...through the weekend will be unprecidented. Seriously, the last time I went a full week without any AL was...I can't even remember. Probably when I was a teenager. Wow. WTF has been going on all these years?

Anyway, so happy to have found you guys. It's amazing how functional we have all managed to be with AL creeping into our days over the years. However, seems to me we're all now mature enough to realize it's fucking us up and we want to take control over shit that we know is stupid...and totally unnecessary.

I went out to my favorite bar/restaurant last night with my wife. They have my Stone IPA on tap. I was a bit apprehensive about going but tell you what, I had just found this site a couple hours before which filled me with resolve to kick this bugger...the thoughts right out of my head...to man up, to get into Boot Camp mode and you know what? No prob. Got myself a club soda with a lime which was refilled over and over at no charge. The best thing was the unspoken approval the waitress communicated -- how awesome. Then, the bill came and I was shocked. It was about 1/2 what it usually is without all those beers on the tab. Anyway, thank you thank you!

PS: Thanks to all for the welcome -- you know who you are

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Wow, this is really amazing to see!! Last week this time there was gloom and dispair and this week, Boot Camp has begun and attitudes have changed and accountability is in force!! It is a wonderful thing to see new nesters pulling up newer nesters and offering everything they know to help beat AL's ass. We are in the fight of our lives...thank god for this place and these people!
Friday is here for us in the US, do not let this derail you...weekends are to be enjoyed and for us that does NOT mean AL!! You are not depriving yourself of anything you are fighting for your life back...be grateful that you are getting this chance!
It really is a journey of self discovery, as corny as that sounds. Hiding behind AL, I really didn't know who I was or what I was capable of achieving. I was used to failing in fact. Once I'd get a few days under my belt, I thought it was just in the cards to fail. Other people were doing it, why the hell couldn't I? For one thing, I always kept that little hope alive in the back of my mind that if I could just regain control of the dam problem (thru awareness) that surely I could drink from time to time, and then go back to being AF. Alas, this was the biggest lie of all. I learned the hard way that HOPE is not a strategy...that I had to impliment a policy of ZERO TOLERANCE. I couldn't have any alcohol at all...ever. This was hard to swallow! AL was my friend! My Go-To when times were good/bad/happy/sad! But once I accepted this....it's as tho the road in front of me smoothed out. You don't have to have AL to live or even function. I thought it made me better, but I was sorely mistaken. I became the butt of jokes...someone who was dismissed...not taken seriously even apologized for. AL was robbing me of everything. Looking back now, it's easy to say, How could I have ever thought it was helping? Because when you are in the middle of it, you can't see it! Once you get out of the fire and the smoke, you can. AL is the damnest opponent I have ever faced...and the only way to win against it, is to get it out of your life for good. One drink leads to another.....ALCOHOL IS THE PROBLEM. These feelings of anxiety and guilt for the past? Alcohol. Feelings that you don't fit in or belong? Yep, Alcohol. Regrets? Shame? Out of control? You got it...it's all Alcohol. Give yourself that gift of 30 days in Lilly's Boot Camp, and you will have her picture sitting on your piano for the rest of your life! It will be here that you got your life back!!
I just thought of another great excuse to tell people about why you aren't drinking!!! Tell them you've made a bet with some friends!! Like that Seinfeld episode!!!
I am so proud of everyone...get control of your mind this weekend...and do not cave in to AL no matter what and no matter who! Boo-Ya!! Byrdie

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, it's hard for me to imagine anyone being embarassed by you or apologizing for you....but then again - I've only known this gregarious loving giving optomistic supportive SOBER you. And boy do I know how big of a difference there can be between the sober ME and the dull, boring, drunk, unable to carry on a conversation (thinking I was fun and witty) ME.

I just realized something. I have a crazy weekend coming up with a wedding and a grad party. I keep writing the weekend off - as these things are going to take up the entire weekend...because in my experience, they always have. Drinking while getting ready for them, drinking during them and drinking to recover from them left little time to get anything else done. But in reality they are only taking up a few hours of my weekend! weird!

[Nutsy Squirrel]

Newbies Nest

Great Gratitude

:new: Just wanted to xpress huge gratitude to all who post here. I spent 2 days (hours at a time) reading everything i could here. Previously had talked my Doc into trusting me and letting me give the Baclofen a try. Started 5 mg Xs 2 per day. Today is day three did 15 mgs total yesterday and yesterday was first day in a very long time AF. The stories and the shared info about different titration schedules and different peoples experiences with or without side effects has been so ....relieving. I feel as if there is now a huge safety net in this journey where once it was just a tightrope over empty air. Cant Thank you all enough. Normally a "lurker" in the backround, I had to speak up. :thanks:

[LibraryGirl]

Newbies Nest

I just thought of another great excuse to tell people about why you aren't drinking!!! Tell them you've made a bet with some friends!! Like that Seinfeld episode!!!


Hahahaha!!!! We ARE the MASTERS OF OUR DOMAIN!!!!! Love it, love it, Byrdie!!!

I am at day 41.:yougo: Never got here before. This boot camp thingy almost makes me wish I was just starting!:H:H No, not really, lol, but it's sooooooo good to see the enthusiasm! Go team, ride it, ride it!!:goodjob:

Lg