Newbies Nest

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Weighing Hard

Byrdlady;1376796 wrote: Fin, before you got here, didn't you try to control it? After you were here and left, didn't you try to control it again? You can spend a lifetime chasing this illusion that you can control that which already has control of us. Have you ever heard of a heroin addict that was able to just use moderately? In the world of addiction, there isn't any middle ground, you feed the addiction or you don't. I never drank harder than I did the year I tried to moderate. This is a journey for each person to take, but I gave it an honest shot, and I've been around here long enough to see for myself, once a pickle, never a cumcumber.

In my opinion, the best course of action is to cut off the food supply and it will eventually die away. But like a stray cat, once you feed it, it's yours. We will support whatever way you choose, but I fear that you are bargaining with the devil...and he always wins. Alcohol always wins. Byrdie

Hi Byrdlady. I think you're probably right. I wish you were not right. The goofy thing is this habit has only recently crept up on me. I mean, WTF? I keep thinking I can get back to a more normal behavior, or moderated AL "lifestyle". That said, I have by definition been abusing AL off and on since I was very young.

It started after my oldest brother was killed in a climbing accident when I was 15. I'd occasionally binge hard, but even then I was never a daily drinker. The accident left my other surviving older brother in absolute shambles and he ultimately landed in a psych hospital. He's never been the same since.

Thanks to friends (like you all can be), I then healed emotionally over time and stopped the binging insanity as I gained maturity. The AL pattern post college then became just a few beers over the weekend, or at some social gig. Period. Then, I quit chewing Copenhagen (27 year habit - so K9, I know your pain!) a couple years ago and my AL consumption has steadily increased to where it is today -- an expensive habit at $11.00 a six-pack!

Anyway, growing up my loving and loyal Dad always would tell me not to be too hard on myself. It was like I was trying to be three sons wrapped up in one since I was his only functional son left.

I think and feel that I live a very righteous life without being formally religious. I help people whenever I can, I'm told I'm a good father, a good husband, a good son-in-law, a good friend and I work hard at my profession and am respected by my peers. I stay fit, and I'm disciplined in all other areas of my life. Whistle, time out! You're a closet drunk!! Shame...this is the shame I feel...

My weakness is the comfort found in a bottle of beer. So, I'm trying to figure this all out -- how hard on myself do I need to be? Can I really commit to being AF for the rest of my life, or will I be more successful being disciplined about what my limits are ? Weighing hard...weighing hard...

[jenniech]

Newbies Nest

hey all!
so today is the 30th day for me. It is pretty anticlimactic though. I never thought I could do it but now that it is here, I just see all the days and years ahead AF and this is so time consuming and a bummer that I am this way!! I am feeling a bit frustrated, but not bad enough to drink so that is the good thing. My temporary AA sponsor says my 30 days are not until tomorrow but that would be the 31st! That kind of bothers me, but, whatever, it really doesn't matter I guess.
Had a very small fender bender today. I backed into someone's car and put a little scratch on it. The guy was really nice about it but man. am I beating myself up about it!! I guess that is why I am in such a bad mood. I just feel like such an idiot. It was in the parking lot of the AA meeting I went to and the guy I hit is a fellow member so I will be seeing him again. It will be a constant reminder of how careless I was. I don't know why I am being so hard on myself. I guess I just was hoping to feel better today....but instead I am tired and grumpy. Back in the day, this would be my perfect excuse to uncork the bottle but I am not going to do that today. This too shall pass. Thanks for reading and letting me vent all! Tomorrow will be better

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

jenniech;1376812 wrote: hey all!
so today is the 30th day for me. It is pretty anticlimactic though. I never thought I could do it but now that it is here, I just see all the days and years ahead AF and this is so time consuming and a bummer that I am this way!! I am feeling a bit frustrated, but not bad enough to drink so that is the good thing. My temporary AA sponsor says my 30 days are not until tomorrow but that would be the 31st! That kind of bothers me, but, whatever, it really doesn't matter I guess.
Had a very small fender bender today. I backed into someone's car and put a little scratch on it. The guy was really nice about it but man. am I beating myself up about it!! I guess that is why I am in such a bad mood. I just feel like such an idiot. It was in the parking lot of the AA meeting I went to and the guy I hit is a fellow member so I will be seeing him again. It will be a constant reminder of how careless I was. I don't know why I am being so hard on myself. I guess I just was hoping to feel better today....but instead I am tired and grumpy. Back in the day, this would be my perfect excuse to uncork the bottle but I am not going to do that today. This too shall pass. Thanks for reading and letting me vent all! Tomorrow will be better

Outstanding accomplishment! You should give yourself a day at the spa, or something. Get a good message and really celebrate the good job you're doing of taking care of yourself. I envy you...fender bender and all!

[kuya]

Newbies Nest

Fin;1376809 wrote:

My weakness is the comfort found in a bottle of beer. So, I'm trying to figure this all out -- how hard on myself do I need to be? Can I really commit to being AF for the rest of my life, or will I be more successful being disciplined about what my limits are ? Weighing hard...weighing hard...

Hi Fin,

Your drinking history probably mirrors many people. My love of alcohol started at 15 when my father died. There was no conscious connection but it just felt nice to be UN conscious. It then increased to every week end, some weeknights, every week night. Four beers, six beers ...... Getting fat...... 1/4 vodka,2/5 vodka,3/5 vodka ...... You get the picture.

The ONLY comfort in alcohol is to remove the craving for alcohol, mate. Once you stop you eventually don't crave alcohol.
I'm quite new here and read all the threads and I am shocked at the pain moderators will go through putting psychoactive drugs into their bodies in order to have the 'joy' of continuing to drink alcohol. I don't get it.

I think the AF group have either tried moderation and failed or, like me, have woken up to the fact that NO-ONE needs alcohol. It is not like being morbidly obese where it is absolutely unavoidable to eat food and to lose weight we must moderate.

Why do you want to drink alcohol? Because you like it? I doubt that, it tastes disgusting. You only want it because you and probably many people around you are addicted to it's effects/chemical. So the only REAL way to be happy is to quit taking it, and stay quit.

I can understand taking drugs to help you quit, but to help you stay drinking makes no sense to me.
And if this offends the moderators ........ I really don't care, cos if you gotta take more drugs to continue taking another drug then it is a bit of a joke

[patrice]

Newbies Nest

Hiya all

Jenni - great on 30 days AF. I agree with Fin, go and spoil yourself today!!!
My 21st AF day is just dawning.. I too and going for the 30 and beyond

Take care
Patrice

[kuya]

Newbies Nest

jenniech;1376812 wrote: This too shall pass. Thanks for reading and letting me vent all! Tomorrow will be better

hey Jen, congrats on your 30. But remember we celebrate days7, 14, 30, six months, a year etc as a public recognition and a pat on the back. If that day falls on a crappy real life day you are bound to not feel good. But like you recognize...........this too will pass.

Well done, well done, well done, well done.

If I was on day 30 now that would be 15 one liter bottles of vodka I would not have tipped down my throat. Now remember how much YOU drank and line them up on your mental bar.

Does that make you feel any better?

KY

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

kuya;1376821 wrote: Hi Fin,

Your drinking history probably mirrors many people. My love of alcohol started at 15 when my father died. There was no conscious connection but it just felt nice to be UN conscious. It then increased to every week end, some weeknights, every week night. Four beers, six beers ...... Getting fat...... 1/4 vodka,2/5 vodka,3/5 vodka ...... You get the picture.

The ONLY comfort in alcohol is to remove the craving for alcohol, mate. Once you stop you eventually don't crave alcohol.
I'm quite new here and read all the threads and I am shocked at the pain moderators will go through putting psychoactive drugs into their bodies in order to have the 'joy' of continuing to drink alcohol. I don't get it.

I think the AF group have either tried moderation and failed or, like me, have woken up to the fact that NO-ONE needs alcohol. It is not like being morbidly obese where it is absolutely unavoidable to eat food and to lose weight we must moderate.

Why do you want to drink alcohol? Because you like it? I doubt that, it tastes disgusting. You only want it because you and probably many people around you are addicted to it's effects/chemical. So the only REAL way to be happy is to quit taking it, and stay quit.

I can understand taking drugs to help you quit, but to help you stay drinking makes no sense to me.
And if this offends the moderators ........ I really don't care, cos if you gotta take more drugs to continue taking another drug then it is a bit of a joke

Hi Kuya, thanks for the response. I'm not sure what you mean about taking drugs to continue drinking unless "drug" is a metaphor for continuing to drink beer, albeit in vastly lower quantities. I think that's what you're saying...?

You ask the "why" question. For me a fine, handcrafted IPA is by no means disgusting. On the contrary. It's extraordinarily delicious on my pallet. Seriously. I savor them. That said, believe me, I know that the best practice here is to give it up entirely if I can't moderate again. So, the why is that they taste like nectar from the Gods and at times, they trick me into thinking they are helping me manage stress. What kills me is going too far...liking them a little too much for my own good.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Jenn! It is with GREAT pride, that I bestow upon you, your 30 day hat!!! :day5: Well done to you!!! I'm sorry you are feeling a bit down...go back and read your post from 30 days ago...I bet you will quickly see just how far you've come! I had a bit of a crappy day too...and it was all tainted by the fact that it's September 11, the worst single day in recent history. I think those undertones got to us all today. It is still so raw. I'm very proud of you for your 30 days...you will not believe the changes in yourself over the next coming weeks...it's all good, too.

Kuya, you speak as if you have been there and done that....I couldn't agree more with your wise words. One drink just leads to another...

Hang in nesters! Getting AL out of your life will be the best gift you ever gave yourself. Byrdie

[jenniech]

Newbies Nest

awww thanks byrdlady....that hat really means a lot to me!!!!!
yes, 9/11 is a terrible day.....my husband was down there. Got caught in first collapse. I didn't know if he was dead or alive for hours.....he came home completely covered in the dust from the collapse...so I am very grateful today that he survived....tomorrow will be a better day!!
:thanks::l

[kuya]

Newbies Nest

Fin;1376825 wrote: Hi Kuya, thanks for the response. I'm not sure what you mean about taking drugs to continue drinking unless "drug" is a metaphor for continuing to drink beer, albeit in vastly lower quantities. I think that's what you're saying...?

You ask the "why" question. For me a fine, handcrafted IPA is by no means disgusting. On the contrary. It's extraordinarily delicious on my pallet. Seriously. I savor them. That said, believe me, I know that the best practice here is to give it up entirely if I can't moderate again. So, the why is that they taste like nectar from the Gods and at times, they trick me into thinking they are helping me manage stress. What kills me is going too far...liking them a little too much for my own good.

Sorry Fin the reference to using drugs to continue to drink is with regard to some moderators using baclofen and the like to reduce craving so they can drink LESS but not have to quit.

Here's a question for you ....... If all the drinks you like were unavailable FOREVER ....... Would you quit drinking alcohol, or 'learn' to 'like' something else?

I got drunk on gin at 15, the smell of it when I am sober makes me heave, but when I am drunk and all the other alcohol is gone I would drink it out of a shoe, my friend :H

[Prairie Fairy]

Newbies Nest

Hey Patrice -

Doing awesome Old friend! So proud of you!

I'm kind of proud of me - today has been a day of body blows - but I didn't hit the liquor store. And today I think I might have stayed strong - even despite the Antabuse. But the Antabuse sealed it....

Thank God one way or the other. Today would not be better with Alcohol.

Tomorrow would not be better with Alcohol.

Pass the tissues.

I hope tomorrow is better. I hope tonight finds a happier answer than I fear. XOXO

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, such a busy nest today

jennie, CONGRATS on your 30 AF days!!!!!
Shit happens, moods swing but staying connected to MWO has been a huge help for me. Hang in there, it's almost tomorrow.

PF, you stay tuned as well:l

I'd love to greet everyone personally but I'm afraid my granny brain is about done for the day :H
Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!
Lav

Oh - K9, I meant to tell you - QuitNet has my savings at just over $9000 now. I'm sure I've saved that much or more at the wine store as well. I'm spoiling the grandkids
Stick with your quit(s), you will never be sorry!

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

kuya;1376821 wrote: Hi Fin,
I can understand taking drugs to help you quit, but to help you stay drinking makes no sense to me.

I never looked at it quite like that...seems to be some truth in there. I took Topa in the beginning to moderate, then to quit. Didn't think much about the first part.

:zonedout:

Thanks for the perspective :h

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Hi Fin:
Your brothers death must be a huge weight around your heart. I can't begin to imagine it. I have three sisters. Still can't think of loosing one. I truly believe there's a precipating event for most of us that we simply can't or arent equipped to cope with which starts us on the AL road. Lots happens along the way of course but until we really take care of whatever it was that we couldn't deal with in the first place- whatever that something is, it's going block us all the way to the finish line. We may not drink but were are still...incomplete somehow.
At least this is how I am seeing my struggle and of course your brothers death may not have started you on your journey; I don't mean to presume.

For me it's unfinished business , staying firmly stuck in my past...this has always been my biggest obstacle. Giving up AL is almost a cake walk compared to getting myself unglued from the past...
I wish I could parlay it into a career.

Love and strength :l

[poppykin111]

Newbies Nest

Day 3 and back on track

Good Morning all you lovely people,

I fell off the wagon for nearly 3 weeks and in a way I'm glad it happened. It confirmed that I hated my life so much when I was drinking daily and I drank every day for at least 10 years. I was shocked at how easy it is to fall back on old habits and I was also shocked at the foolishness that goes on in my head when I am drinking.

I hate waking up, wondering how I am going to get through the day and what mad scam I can come up with to get out of my day.

Thankfully today is not like that! My daughter was not very well last night and I managed to get some sleep but not my normal 8 hours. However I feel great because I went to bed sober:H

I know I will meet stress along my day but at least my head is clear and my tummy is not churning.

It helps so much to read your posts and thanks so much for all your support. :thanks: