Newbies Nest

[Clockwatcher]

Newbies Nest

Fin, you can do this, that's why your hear,,,,it took me a while to figure that out for myself but when I did it life got easier....still have crazy thoughts of self sabotage, that now I might be able to moderate, blah, blah, blah.....there is a reason I have had physical reactions when I stopped putting booze into my body, called addiction, can't stop telling myself the truth.

[nurdl]

Newbies Nest

Grrrrrrrr... Help!

I need to vent. I've had the worst freakin' day. There's something about this build up to day 30. Here I am on day 26 and I've had the worst cravings all day long. The absolute worst in all of this time of being AF. Everything that could have gone wrong today did and I thought about having a drink all day long. It's a very good thing that we have emptied out all of the cupboards. There is no alcohol in the house, no wine, no liquor, nothing and I got home after the liquor stores closed. So I can't drink.

I also can't drink because I am on Antabuse. It doesn't kill the cravings at all and it makes me anxious about anything that might contain alcohol. Hairspray, hidden wine in a sauce, vinegars, hair conditioners. Antabuse makes me horribly tired, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning and I drag myself around during day. Plus now food takes like a stainless refrigerator door. Everything tastes metallic. I don't want to eat and I've had a headache every day for a month. This Antabuse gig is bad but I had two choices from my therapist, either rehab or Antabuse, AA and weekly therapy sessions.

So I'm grieving for a lost former life. No "whoop - de - doo" I feel fantastic being AF. I'm frustrated, crabby, I can't even slip and start over because I'll become horribly ill.

My husband was at a family birthday party tonight. I made an excuse not to go as I knew there would be champagne and wine with dinner. Now it's a really good thing that I didn't go. I probably would have hurt someone in this frame of mind.

And I'm so freakin' sick of Diet Coke, iced tea, vitamin water, cranberry juice, vitamin supplements... I just want a cold glass of Pinot Grigio... or three.
I'm sorry to be a Debbie Downer. Thank you for putting up with my rant. I'm going to have a good cry, a big glass of water, another freaking Antabuse, and a couple of Tylenol, crawl into bed and look forward to dragging my butt out again at 6:30am tomorrow morning and doing this all over again on Tuesday.

Good luck everyone. I hope your day was better than mine. I hate this.
~n

[RunningCourage]

Newbies Nest

NURDL!!!

I hope you got to bed fine, and sleep overtook your feelings of just plain shiteness. No, it aint easy, in fact i think everyone here is a testament to how doggone bloody hard this whole AF thing is. I won't profess to know answers, or even have the wisest words of support - there are fantastic 'oldies' (please don;t take offense all older and wiser sages here ) who have the know and the experience to advise you better - but i will say that for me, on day 15 AF, YOU are an inspiration at day 26 (or is that now 27?) to me. And i hope today is a whole lot easier for you.

You say your therapist gave you two options. It sounds to me that you took the stronger, but perhaps the harder just now, of the two. USE US! Use the words, the experiences, the knowledge, the support, the love that is all here within this community. Read older posts, re-visit the toolbox, rant more - rant as much as you freakin' well like. That's what this place is for. Get through the day without recourse to the thing that has, i presume, caused you more pain in the past. Use K9's visualizations - of what would happen in the future (later that day; the following morning) and how you would feel if you had a drink today. Or use Byrdie's strategy of just NOT thinking about booze and thinking about something else altogether. Sure, it's dead easy for me to write this right now to you, but these are the things i have to make myself think of between the hours of 4pm and 9.45pm to avoid hitting the pub or an off license.

I'm rooting for you nurdl! You ARE doing so SO well :goodjob:

:l:l
RC

[belles]

Newbies Nest

Nurdl.... I can only say from a Newbie perspective that maybe you should look back and see how you felt 26 days ago. And from reading the posts of the long time sober - it appears to get better and better the longer you go AF.

I know I am trying to keep in mind that the reason I'm doing this is I'm tired of the hangovers, the depression and the guilt and the bloat from drinking wine. I can't have one glass of Piot Grigio - I want the whole bottle. Alcohol just doesn't work for me. And I swear I have an allergic reaction to it. I feel bloated, itchy and I even sneeze when I'm drinking Alcohol. It really is poison. If you can remember how Alcohol made you feel maybe you won't feel so bad about the Antabuse.

I hope you have a better day today. I'm looking forward to having 27 AF days under my belt. Congratulations and keep going. You can do it!!

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters!

Doing a fly by for now - my grandsons will be here momentarily for the day!

Nurdl - exchange the deprivation for brand new gratitude
It really makes a huge difference! Take a looks at a great website:
The ToDo Institute: Mindfulness, Procrastination, and Gratitude using Morita and Naikan Therapies
Congrats on your 26 AF days, terrific

belles, you are doing great & will soon be wearing your 30 day hat!!!!

Greetings RC & all who stop by today!
Make it a terrific AF Tuesday everyone!

Lav

[Quest for the key]

Newbies Nest

Afternoon nesters xx Hope everyone is well :-)

Nurdl - you're doing awesome !! Keep your chin up - almost at day 30 - you're an inspiration xxx

And well done belles - you too are doing amazing !!

Wish I could buy some determination - do you think they sell it on ebay ???

[Quest for the key]

Newbies Nest

And you too RC - whoop whoop:goodjob:

[Mick]

Newbies Nest

quest youll do it..just surf that craving

[nurdl]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning and what a better day this is already. Thank you RC, Belles, Quest, Lavande and the Newbies who will read my post of last night. I feel kind of embarrassed by my rant last night but it was good to let it out. I had my pity party, a metallic tasting carb-fest (better to fall off the calorie wagon than the alcohol wagon), took a few OTC meds for the headache, had a good cry and a good night of sleep.

My husband said there was loads of wine at dinner last night and the birthday girl would have terribly offended if I had refused her Cointreau drenched birthday cake. The in-laws don't know yet of my journey. I need to get a little further along before I out myself.

So today I have things to look forward to. Painters are here to paint my upstairs hallway, I have a 2 hour piano rehearsal with my dear duo piano partner this morning. I'll suggest we play something loud and get some of my frustrations out on the black and white beast. Afterward, I'm going shopping to find some new teas and beverages to have on hand.

My life time ticket to ride the AF train is in hand for day 27. Thanks for the encouragement and for understanding. Good wishes for an AF October 2nd.
~ a nurdl of hope ~

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

good morning. Nurdl, I'm so glad that you hung on to see that you could make it over that hump.

Quest you're hanging in there!:goodjob:

Fin - good to see you back.

hi to everybody else! clockwatcher, belles, rainyday - are you out there?

Gotta run this AM - talk to you all later

[rooniferd]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone, just checking in to tell you where I am on this journey and what I've learned. We have so many newbies here lately, I'll summarize my story for you....

I've been posting here for several months now about wanting to turn my life around and stop poisoning myself with alcohol. I've never counted my many attempts to quit drinking, but I'm sure the number is in the 100s.

Well, about two months ago, I decided to try Antabuse to stop drinking. Long story short, it worked like a charm for 47 days. I didn't drink a drop (I couldn't). I still had cravings, and I occasionally felt mad about the whole situation (why me? why can't I be normal and be able to have a couple of beers on a pretty day?), but I struggled through.

Despite those "bad" times, I must say that those were the best 47 days I've spent in a long time. I ate very healthy foods, I started exercising every day (and so did my dogs), I lost six pounds, I was major productive at work, my house was clean, I was visiting with family regularly, I was making plans and sticking to them, etc. It was a great stretch.

Then one day, about a couple of weeks ago, I decided to test the waters. I had not taken my Antabuse pill in a couple of days. I met some friends out and had a couple of mimosas. Well, I won't go into the details, but let's just say that I learned my lesson. It was truly awful. You just CANNOT drink on Antabuse!

So I took the pill a couple more days. Then my best friend from high school called and asked me to come back to our home town for a football game the following weekend. I started thinking about the Antabuse and how I wouldn't be able to drink with everyone. So, what did I do? I stopped taking it again.

Long story short, I just came off a five-day bender. I didn't just drink the day of the game. I drank three days before it, and the day after it. I missed two days of work. The last day of the bender was Sunday.

Needless to say, I woke up yesterday morning with an awful hangover that included major guilt, shame, and regret. I tortured myself all day yesterday. I even toyed with going out for a hair of the dog to make me feel better. Then some force grabbed my hand and made me take an Antabuse....

So I am on day two now, and the shakes are finally gone. My head is still really fuzzy and confused though.

But I've been here many times, and I know it takes me at least three or four days to finally feel human again after a bender.

I plan to get another 30 AF days under my belt (Byrdie, you don't have to give me another hat, though). And then I want to beat my previous 47 AF days.

I learned some valuable lessons throughout all this. I'm gonna take that damn pill every day from now on! And I will take it as long as it takes to do this on my own.

Thanks for listening to my long rant. Hope everyone has a good day!

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Hi all. I haven't wanted to post because I screwed up and I didn't want to be one of those... Husband went upstate but left booz in the house over the weekend. So I did drink. Not as much as if he would have been there. Then Sunday he got home and he still had booz. We drank. Then last night we drank. Well, we got into a huge physical fight. Neither of us remembers how it started. He woke up not remembering anything. But I "woke" up during the fight. It was scary. He has bite marks all over his arms and I have bruises all over mine. I think he tried to sleep in the bed that I usually sleep in and I may have tried to get him to go downstairs. We don't sleep well together. This morning he woke up and poured the rest of the beast down the drain. So maybe he is ready to do this with me now. But I am angry.

[Quest for the key]

Newbies Nest

Oh Rainy - please don't ever feel embarassed or ashamed about posting because you had a slip. I do that to - but the only way I can learn and be true to myself is to be accointable here with people that know how truly truly hard it is xxx

I'm sorry you had a fight with your hubby - but it's clear it was probably alcohol fuelled. It really is the devil in disguise.

In fact - it was a major row with my hubby a few weeks ago that made me realise that something has to be done. And no matter how many times I fall out the saddle - and I do (regularly) I get back in it - it's the only way I'm going to beat this monkey !!!

Big hugs to you hunny xxxx:l

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Rooniferd...I'm glad that you are back. It seems like you might have been viewing antabuse as "back up" rather than the solution....It's hard for me because I'm not familiar with what goes through someone's head when taking it...but I can imagine if I was thinking that it was a tool to help me plan around drinking rather than to stop drinking, I could get myself into trouble....you know - "well, if I do plan ahead - and have some drinks then I can easily stop drinking afterwards because I have my antabuse..." I might be totally wrong - and I'm not sure if others who take it have any advice to give on making sure you just take it every day....maybe keep by your bed and take first thing in the morning before fully awake? Either way, it's easy to see that by taking it, you are not taking the "easy" way out. There are still struggles - and I'm glad that you're still here working through them...:l

rainyday, I've got to think a minute but will be back. :l

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Rainy, I'm trying to be really careful in my post to you....I don't want you to feel offended or back away - so I want to be really gentle - but on the other hand, it's apparent that you know the seriousness of your situation and I don't want to tiptoe around that.

I think that you really should push today to make this a new beginning and a joint effort for you and your husband. The fact that you are both resorting to blacked out violence with young kids in the house has to be pretty scary. I'm sure that you both feel so sucked into this alcohol trap that it's nearly impossible to see a way out. Would he consider counseling?