Newbies Nest

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Cat, I want that book as well!! Thanks for posting that. I would have missed it otherwise. :thanks:

The mind chatter is like a heard of elephants in my head too.
Or as I've said before, my mind station is permanently tuned to radio station K-FCK. There's no fricken off switch.

Congrats on Day 2. I think that's the worst ...at least it was for me. Three wasn't too great either but 4 and 5 were better.

One way I stop all the people dialoging in my head is I talk and talk and talk and talk either to my husband or the kids or the tv or the radio....sometimes I wear the Bluetooth in the car just so people think I'm talking on the phone....actually I'm just talking to myself.

I talk a lot in the car because im driving the kids, collecting the kids, shopping for the kids... Running from the kids....i talk also on my walks Where if I'm caught out by a biker or a runner I pretend I'm talking to the dog ...

It sounds insane I know but it helps. Not sure why except I think I just exhaust myself.

Sleep well. Try Books on tape so you can hear someone talking outside your head:h

:l

PS everyone sound so wonderful these last few days in the nest. Have been reading the threads, working, pretty much okay. Glad to be back. Think I'll stay here awhile. It's safer...
:h

[limonada]

Newbies Nest

I just found out about a shuttle-van that I, through a perk of my boyfriend's business, can take for free from my city to that of my best friend, about 2 hours away. My first thought: "Oh! That means I can drink before hitting the road!"...

No, dummy, that's NOT what that means. That wasn't even a craving, it was just my stupid habit-brain literally forgetting that I quit drinking. It's like those dreams I had after quitting smoking, where I'd forget that I quit smoking until halfway through a cigarette, then remember and be pissed at myself. Brain retraining, ugh.

[RunningCourage]

Newbies Nest

Hey Cat,

Hope you got through day 2 and were able to quash those screamin voices. I think we all get them to some degree - it's a top notch description from Dr Paul (thank you Rainy for finding and posting it). My voices were too hungover to speak until about midday. But it is/was from 4pm that they really start to raise their voices.

Yesterday was no different: colleagues at work having their 5pm pints - I would always be there for the 5pm pints - and it was made a bit more special as a former colleague had popped in to share in the 5pm pints. I wanted to go over, I wanted to share the 5pm pints, but i couldn't. I couldn;t because a) I'd be sorely tempted to have some 5pm pints and b) if i didn't have 5pm pints, they would ask why i wasn't drinking. So i circumnavigated my way out the building avoiding the bar. And them. Hard. It was hard... and made more so because i felt as if i was somehow dissing my friends/colleagues... as if by 'ignoring' them, i was seen to be as someone 'better'. The last thing i want them to think is that 'i am too good for them'. On the contrary. But just now I can't face these situations head on if i want to continue these AF days...

...For if i did, the voices would be hollering at the top of their voices, a cacophony of arguments persuading me to have a 5pm pint.

As for cooking, well, I LOVE cooking. And, similarly, got into the Keith Floyd habit of quaffing wine to stoke the creative cooking juices, when in fact i was merely dousing my ability to know precisely what i was cooking. I also noticed that i'd drink when cooking when i was also starving. But the desire to drink while cooking IS fading... (Though i admit, looking ahead, Christmas will be altogether a different battle) (but, wait, it's only October) (one day at a time...)

RC

[Catbuddy]

Newbies Nest

Hi Kradle123,

It's good to meet another person wrestling with the mind. I had this habit a while back of listening to books on tape to fall asleep. I would literally have the head phones on while settling down in bed, and that was the only way I could fall asleep (unless I was drunk). When I woke up in the middle of the night, I would put the headphones back on and listen again.

The bizarre part (I admit this to veerryy few people) is that I can listen to the same words over and over again; it doesn't need to be a new book; in fact, I prefer a familiar one. Harry Potter is my favorite. I compare it to some people listening to music. No one looks askance at someone enjoying their favorite song. I think the drone of words is what calmed me. So now I know I'm not crazy or alone. I was coping. Who knew.

So, Day 3, tomorrow, will probably be tough as well? Okay. I at least feel reassured I can come back here. I visited probably five times today. This is like a lifeboat. I haven't told anyone about this process, so here I can tell all I need to!!

I will survive Day 3. Will you check on me tomorrow? How can I help you??

I'm going to find my old CD player now, and start the hypnotherapy. I just finished reading about its effectiveness, and I'm definitely game. Not really comforatable with the meds. I already take 7, count them 7, prescriptions a day. And I'm 46, not 82. My goal is to reduce the meds, and find lasting healing on the brain.

:thanks: Catbuddy

[Catbuddy]

Newbies Nest

Hi RunningCourage,

I love that we can find support from across the world through this forum. And it feels as if we are all at the table sharing stories.

I can imagine how hard the work situation was. It sounds like you handled it beautifully. I think it's tougher on men. But I too work in a company where drinking together is a frequent event. I plan to use "I'm working on better health, and cold/flu free winter." That will work. My health has been very poor and unpredictable. You might try, I'm in training. That would work in California, where I live. Will that go over in Scotland? Just a thought.

Here's an ironic note. I'm doing a triatholon as part of a team with two women from work this weekend. That will be Day 5. On Day 4, the night before, we are meeting for drinks, dinner and a sleepover before the race. I already told them "I won't be drinking" A triathalon the next day is a great excuse, right? But I could hear the unspoken question, "you won't even join us for a glass of wine?" It's is so hard to admit my problem. I cannot be open about it to work colleagues; my job would be at risk. And socially, there is such a stigma about not be able to handle alcohol.

I thought earlier today, you know I never smoked or did drugs. I am SURE that is why I am not a smoker and drug addict, because that would have been my path. But there was never any heavy social pressure in my life to do either, whereas I grew up with AL all around me. This critical difference, the level of expectation that I would drink and handle it well, is a cycle I want to break with my son.

Have a great day, as yours has begun.

Catbuddy

P.S. Being new here, I know my posts are LOOONNNNGGGG. Probably Day 2 blathering.

[Quest for the key]

Newbies Nest

OMG I'm sorry but I've got to talk to somebody.

As you know I am trying and trying and trying to go AF - getting 2 or 3 days done and falling off the wagon. Which I can deal with to a degree, as the frequency and quantity of what I'm drinking is decreasing - big time.

But last night, something happended that I've never experienced before.

I was fine all day. At work, busy-ish. But all the way home I was craving and craving - fighting with myself - I was hungry, I knew that ;I was angry (hubby had pissed me off) and I knew that too; I was also tired - so 3 out of 4 of the HALT were fulfilled - not good.

Hubby had wanted a chinese / indian for tea - normally I would have snatched his hand off - but not last night. I WANTED a drink !!!!!!!! I WANTED wine - I don't drink wine normally. I was like an errant child - I WANT, I WANT, I WANT...................

So, I stood in front of the fridge. No wine, no vodka - just lager. And I stood there (with hubby watching me) for at least 5 minutes (which is a long time just to be staring at a can of lager !!!)

And I started to cry................I have never felt such an ache in my insides as I did then - I had to have it. So I did. I had a lager, then went out for a bottle of wine, and a small (200ml hip bottle) of vodka.

I guzzled 3/4 of the wine and about 150ml of the vodka.

I can't tell you how I felt. I hated myself for caving. I hated myself for crying over fecking lager. I don't even like lager, or wine. I hated myself - period.

This morning - looking back, I can see the big hole I'm in. This is serious. I mean, I've been angry before when I've not had a drink, but I've never cried over it !!! FFS - It's bloody AL !!! It's just liquid. Get some water, or fruit juice and a chinese meal.

This was followed by major munchies, and I wonder why I'm such a bloater.

I just don't know what to do. I felt I had come so far this last few weeks, like I was getting some control back. OK, so I was struggling to make 7 days - but I was getting there. I was going longer inbetween sessions and drinking less.

I hate what I've turned into. I can't believe I'm actually fessing this up - I just don't like what happened and .................................I just don't know what to do.....................

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Hey Tipp – I’m glad you stopped in the nest – stick around will ya? You asked in the other thread if there was any specific event last Sept 26 – and the answer is no. You should be happy to hear – that I had just gone round and round with it all too many times….my momentum had built up and that was the time that ‘stuck’ – much like how you are feeling now … My “original” MWO quit the Feb before that (and there were many in between!) was much more dramatic – as I described in the My Story section….I really thought that I wasn’t going to live. Then I knew it was “do something about this NOW – or accept that your life will end before long”. I did my 30 days – went back to drinking – sputtered all summer long – not “getting” it – and then when I quit Sept 26, I gave it enough time until I “got” it. There were days when I had my doubts – but that’s what it’s all about is giving yourself enough time AF – to make the decision rationally whether it’s the life you want or not. The more time I have AF, the more I want – need – this to continue to be my life.


Stumpy, I hope you get a handle on the itching thing. Be sure to look at all things – maybe it’s not likely but have you changed anything in your laundry routine? Did you say it’s mostly when you lay down at night? Are you oppsed to trying the calms forte or nerve tonic? Both help me with sleep. And I did have kind of not all over itching but more of a pins and needles – the more I thought about it –the worse it got – type of skin crawling thing for a bit when I quit. Try anything and everything - the stuff Lav recommended, too. (but not all at once! LOL) I know things like that can take on a life of their own – I had this all over body aching with my quits – my joints ached terribly – to the point that I couldn’t sleep. It went on and on….and I let it be a primary force in my decision to drink again. Now I know that the pain was caused BY the drinking – and it was part of the vicious cycle….but early on, it seems like our minds can take anything and use it as an excuse to go back to the “easier” life of drinking. Let us know what the dr says.

Catbuddy – I hope you’re doing better – I’m glad you found something you can identify with – I was interested in your conversation with kradle re: listening to voices. While I have a hard time shutting my brain off – and oh it was sooo much worse when drinking and when I first quit – in general I am highly sensitive to “background” noises of voices. I can get so annoyed at a tv on in the background that I could throw a rock through it – this time of year hubby has it on all weekend with football on – he goes in and turns it on and leaves the room, I go in and turn it off….and back and forth. But yes, lots here can identify with the nonstop chatter from our brains…now that mine is alert – I sometimes feel like I run in circles – wanting to do so many things with my extra time in the day – and I’m sure at times in the past year I’ve come across as a little bit frenzied - trying to do too many things at once – but I didn’t drink – it kept me busy – and like I always say – most of the time it’s a phase…then I’ll get into one where I read all the time….or pinterest all the time…:H
It sounds like you are perfect candidate for the hypnotherapy.

*It seems like you might be putting yourself in a very tempting situation very early in your quit – with the sleepover…..is there any way around that? And for heaven's sake - don't worry about long posts!!! :H

Anyway, the exhaustion you’re feeling right now will pay off tenfold just by hanging in there – the rest that you get later will be like something you don’t even remember. And with the cooking – you’ll be surprised – make sure you have something good to drink…normally I don’t insist on having an AF drink to substitute with all the time –but when something is so heavily connected with drinking, I think at first you have to have something there – to sub for awhile.

STAR! Thanks for posting – and I have to say that you have given this plenty of thought and your plan sounds wonderful. I hope you had a nice dinner last night – and that we hear more from you. :l

Hi nextplease – I really think the hardest part is getting back on after you decided to jump off and drink. Those first few days when the alcohol is still in your system, there is so much of a temptation to just keep going with it. Try to stick it out long enough to gain back your determination.

K9, I was just talking with a friend yesterday about her desire to stop smoking….what a strong hold it has on people…my father died in his 40’s and my mother needed to have one last cigarette with him in the funeral home before he was buried….she just died of COPD after suffering for years and years. I am so happy that you were able to get away from their awful hold.

Actually, I’m pretty sure wine doesn’t evaporate completely in cooking – but unless I was using antabuse, I wouldn’t be worried about the little amount that you would consume in a dish. BUT I WOULD worry about buying a bottle to USE for cooking. That would be too much temptation – quite possibly even now. I had wanted to make some homemade vanilla for Christmas gifts – but it involves vodka. Now why do you think my twisted mind wants to make this, huh? Ummmm – I think I’ll go with vanilla bean caramel sauce instead. No temptation there…well – at least not AL.

Byrdie, I don’t know much about spells - those might be a southern thang - but I know all about phases! Just about the time I started thinking I was going to be bored as hell with this sober life – that nobody would ever want to be around me again – that I would never want to leave the house again – that I’d probably never even laugh again – I’d turn a corner and the next day I’d feel great – even better than before. I learned to be watchful of these times and sure enough – each time I’d come out of it a little more sure of myself.

Nurdl you sound so ooo much better! Limonada – I hear you about those thoughts that pop in before you even realize it…When basically everything I’ve done in my adult life has been fueled by alcohol – it’s quite eye opening when after awhile we start to see the reality of it. I see that I have never seen the appeal of a lunch out with friends – if there wasn’t alcohol…or of a shopping trip….or a movie….to have something set up so perfectly? That it would be perfectly acceptable to drink? Without having to drive? And then to make the conscious decision not to? It was almost absurd to me – something that I never ever even considered.

RC – I had gotten to where I messed up more of the meals than I got right. I had my big plans – big dinner parties – fancy dishes – but I’d start drinking so early, that I’d run out of time or forget something at the last minute – and then sit down to the table and not even be able to engage in a conversation…..ugh
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Hiya Quest. I think it probably felt and feels like if you didn’t drink, that that feeling would have hung on and kept getting worse. I KNOW that feeling. It’s an obsession – and one that immediately feels relief as you’re paying and get into your car with the alcohol…take that first swig. It’s a warm relief – when that obsession had been so strong – and it feels good to quiet it. But what you don’t know is that that HUGE pressing obsession is short lived – if you know it’s coming and expect it and know EXACTLY what to do when it hits – practice it in your head so much that your mind immediately knows to STOP – EAT – drink a big glass of water – change your direction – go clothes shopping if you’re in the car – or if you’re in your house – go outside – or to your bedroom – and find something to DO. Start pulling things out of a messy closet – cry while you’re doing it if you have to – IT’S NOT GOING TO KEEP BEING AS HARD AS IT IS AT THAT MOMENT!!! If it stayed that difficult – there is no way in HELL any of us could have done this. I really believe that there are a few really really strong bursts of NEEDING a drink – that feeling – that we HAVE to ride out before we can move on….to experience it and deal with it – crying and screaming and kicking if we have to – lets us see that we CAN do it. Think of it like a child having a temper tantrum….all hell breaks loose and there is NO calming them down – but often times the best thing to do is leave them alone – let them get through it – and when they come out at the other end, there is a calmness that follows. The one thing you don't do is give in and give them whatever it is they're carrying on about....:l

[odat1234]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1386111 wrote:
As I mentioned to a response to Allan yesterday in his thread....he'd reached his 30 day goal and then felt like a bride coming back from her honeymoon...NOW WHAT? I was explaining to him that breaking free of alcohol is, in effect, ending a relationship. And I mean a long-standing, hard-core, abusive, solid relationship. In essence you are going thru the 5 stages of grieving. Anger (what brought you here..."I'm SICK of this crazy life!"), Denial (Maybe I'm not all that bad! What was I thinking? Other people drink as much or MORE than I do' I think this is where the biggest Pity Party is thrown...it comes after the first 2 weeks and before day 30), BARGAINING ( why don't I try to moderate? Other people are able to do it...if I could just have one precious glass of _____ I'd be ok, THEN I'll get right back on track..), Depression (Is THIS all there is? Where are the balloons? Is this as good as it's ever going to get? ' Well shit...'.) and finally, acceptance. Let me tell you, this is where it's at. You finally are able to accept that, NO, you CANNOT drink ....AT ALL. Not one, not ever.....and you are ok with this. This is the stage where you can see AL for what it really is....a DRUG. Byrdie

I love this Byrdie! I am in Anger in the the morning but by afternoon I am in Denial, that is the one I have to get past right now....this is it! I will do this today! Not tomorrow not the next day today!

[stumpy]

Newbies Nest

Lalab, wow.! You are wide awake this morning. I have been quit since 8/9 with about three slips, not major except for the last one which was 7 drinks but I haven't had a drink in 10 days now, yet, I have been having sleep problems for 3 weeks. I'm calling my doctor this am and going to try to see him today.
I want a sleep aide NOW, I slept 2 hours last night WTF? if this is normal detox, I can ride it out, if it's perimenopause I can't. At least I have no desire to drink. Well last night I had a craving but I let it go and ate instead. WTG Stumpy.

If this is from detox, how long does it last?

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning everyone and thanks so much for the warm welcome back (home) to the nest!:thanks:
I made it through the day yesterday, but I can honestly say that the ONLY reason I made it through was the commitment I had made to you all yesterday morning. My afternoon got terribly frustrating and my nerves were absolutely fried! I really believe it has something to do with getting completely off my anti-depressant medications and on top of that- I got upset around lunchtime-so I did not eat lunch-Brilliant! So there were 2 major triggers (Anger and Hunger) and I had to deal with them the rest of the day.
As soon as I got home, I ate some high protein snacks and drank some lemon water, while I started cooking the birthday dinner. Finally calmed down. There is no alcohol in my home, so I don?t have to worry about that getting to me, Thank God!
The birthday dinner was good and I think everyone appreciated it-which made me feel good!
Enjoyed watching the presidential debate-it was better than I had thought it would be!
So today is Day 4 (Hooray!). I fixed a big spinach, cheese and mushroom omelet for breakfast and have brought PLENTY of food to work today to keep me full and happy. I have lots of good water and plenty of herbal tea here. Tonight for supper, we will mostly have leftovers from last night, and I won?t have the drudgery of cooking.
I am thinking of rewarding myself today and spending the $20 I have already prolly saved from not buying AL and getting something ?fallish? for my front porch. I thought about some pretty mums, but since I never water any plants once I buy them anyway, I may just get a great big ole pumpkin (or two). That would brighten up the place and make me feel a lil festive.
So happy to hear of everyone?s successes and can surely identify with all the struggles- but let?s all hang tight- We can do it!!
:l Star

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Odat, I'm glad my words helped. I was rock solid in the morning but by 3 in the afternoon, the WTF's kicked in BAD and by 3:30 (there at the end, even earlier) I was down the rabbit hole with no way out. Once I started drinking I drank until I could hold no more. I'd be drunk as an owl heading for bed, but if I saw half a glass of wine still in my glass, I'd gulp it down. Why IS that? THIS is the power of addiction.

Lola covered every thought I had with her post, including 'spells' (ok, phases...it IS a Southern thang). Lola, I wonder if you ever left one of your masterpiece dishes in the oven at a dinner party? I put it there to keep it warm and then forgot about it... I love to cook and entertain, I didn't know how I'd go on without my prop (I watch too many cooking shows), but you know what? When you fight thru it the first time, it breaks the 'spell' and you are able to do it again...just like virtually ALL of the socail occasions that we are now faced with. How do you go and not drink? Well, you just do...and nobody really gives a rip!! Not like I thought they would! Lately I've been using the line..."I'm re-inventing myself". This is working really well, too. At my age I can use some re-tooling...but who can't? People who don't drink like we do don't give it another thought!! It's really only the heavy hitters like us, that question and pressure...and we know why...misery not only loves company...it loves miserable company. Stick to your guns...besides...who gives a rip if you don't drink? It's the OVER drinking that concerned my friends. I always have to laugh at myself when I try to keep it a secret about my ALK...like NOBODY knew it? Dang, I was the loudest one there! Everyone knew it! I guess I was the last to know....

MindCircles. They are awful. Lav's Monkey Mind. First of all...try to see it for what it is...this is the Voice of addiction...Addiction Head...Dick Head for short...this is AL trying to stay alive. It will tell you absolutely anything to get you to feed it. It's a short circuit....a loop of thinking. Sometimes you have to tell your mind to shut the F up! Say NO, HELL NO! AL will NOT take one more day of my life! And change your behavior right then and there....name off your cousins...say the Lord's Prayer...just get another thought going. It works!

May I also say, that I have had considerably fewer tears since my quit than I had while I was drinking. I was in dispair....I cried all the time. If it wasn't ABOUT AL is was because of it. I cry now for things, but never over AL....I am happy to be out of that prison.

Day 3'rs!!! This is a big day! ALL of the AL is out of your system and you are operating under your own power!! Well done to you!! Stay the course ....you'll be getting one of Allan's full moons before you know it! So proud of everyone here....

Clear liquids today....colonoscopy tomorrow. Jealous? Remember.. however bad your day is today...what I'm looking at! There are no end to the jokes here...
I had green jello for breakfast and looking forward to some delicious BROTH for lunch. I'm so hungry I could eat a moose! Then tonight the fun begins!! This is a small price to pay for avoid cancer....the inconvenience of a colonoscopy is nothing compared to that of colon cancer. AL is the same way...it's hard for a few days/weeks....but good health and living a life full of hope and possibilities is worth it!
MindPeace!! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Starfish, thank you for the blow by blow delicious meals you are having....my mouth is watering! (please pass the green jello....:yukko
I'm so glad you made it thru...the old tried and true tricks work! Thank you for making good on your commitment...Well done!
When I get on solid food again, Ima have a big ole greasy hamburger, NO, CHEESEburger and fries. and onionrings. Maybe a shake (or two). xo, B

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

OOPs, sorry bout all the "food talk", Byrdie! I had forgotten about your "big day" preps! You are braver than I am for going through that - I need to go ahead and schedule one soon. I will be sure and let you know so you can "get me back" and talk about a yummy (oops almost said c_ke) you are baking :H
Love you so and good luck!!!
Hey maybe you should try orange jello- afterall it is October and all that

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Fin;1387115 wrote: Get this. To motivate a 6 week AF challenge for myself, I just completed a hydrostatic body composition analysis. What the hell? Yeah, this mobile lab was outside my office, so I nabbed a bathing suit and went for it.

The truck will be back on the block in 6 weeks. My result today was 17.7 body fat. If I knock off my regular 1000 calories intake / day from IPAs, I should be able to get that number down 3 or 4 points at least.

Okay, now this is a science experiment. It's serious business.

LOL about the science experiement! Sounds like something I'd be doing (even though I failed biology and chemistry!)

You don't have much BF to lose! That's great!

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Lavande;1387175 wrote: I'm always good Fin

I'm not going to attempt to jump into any coversations tonight. I have one eye on the presidentail debates on TV & the other on my laptop - that's enough for granny Lav :H

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest! Fasten the safety belts, etc, etc.
Lav

Don't make us get into politics now!

Let me just say I'm one of the happy campers about last night.

If anyone agrees, PM me!