Newbies Nest

[stumpy]

Newbies Nest

Rainy, love your picture. Very Serene not Creepy lol

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Star, I was saving the orange jello for dinner!
I'm so glad you're back!!! XXOO (president of the mutual admiration society) B

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Catbuddy;1387202 wrote: Hi Lola,

I'm very new at this, so don't really know my way around responding. But I wanted to make sure to thank you for your encouragement. Yesterday, Day 1, I went out to dinner to avoid the issue. Tonight, as I stood at my counter, I flashed SOOOO HARD on where is my wine, I need wine, go get wine. I wondered if I would just have to redefine myself as an ex-cook. I really hope not. I find such joy in it. My compromise tonight was to make a very simple meal and get the hell out of there.

:thanks:

Cat!... I have been the exact same way. Isn't that funny so many of us women relate the two together?! We all must be fabulous chefs! There's got to be something there about women and their cooking and their drinking!

I can't remember who said it (about redefining cooking to a non-drinking night), but it sounds like it's going to be interesting to say the least!

But the point I really wanted to make (I feel like I'm rambling... still feel sleepy from the tylenol PM) is when you said "simple meal" I keep flashing back to my, and so many other's mottos - "KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID".

Whenever I'm writing a letter, or narrative professionally, I have to remind myself that! And it's true also with my evenings now!

I put my kids in dirty clothes yesterday! They weren't smelly at least! But I just can't handle any stress right now. Get the kids to be and get me to bed!

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

stumpy;1387367 wrote: Rainy, love your picture. Very Serene not Creepy lol

Thanks Stumpy! It's Desolation Wilderness in Lake Tahoe, California!

I used to hike and backpack in those mountains!

One day I may put a picture of myself up. I think it's nice for people to see who they are talking about. That's what I love about Mama and K9! (asusming those are their real pics!)

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

[quote]Catbuddy;1387204 wrote:

From the book There's More To Quiting Drinking Than Quiting Drinking By Dr. Paul O.

Furthmore, while my computer gives off a rather pleasant, mild, steady hum, my brain commonly puts out ceaseless chatter of varying intensity. Before I realize what was going on, this drove me to drink.

In sobriety I?ve come to realize that my mind talks to me. It talks all the time, day and night, it doesn?t do any physical work, it just talks. Talk, talk, talk, talk. And by its talking , it controls my thinking, my feelings, my actions ? my life.

**

OMG. This (please see whole post) post was phenomenal. I want to run out and get the book. I would if it weren't bedtime. I have tried to drown the mind talk with alcohol, and also the heart talk as well. Everybody shut up, please. Give me some peace. And when the chatter would start early, I would think, hell, I'd rather have a glass of wine then breakfast, just finish off that bottle, and next thing I know I'm sleeping during a work at home day (!) with my calendar marked "busy".

So, today is Day 2. And my mind chatter got to SCREAMING. Why not drink, why not be like your friends, why deny yourself, why make such a final decision, argument upon argument. I felt like I visited 10 hells through the day. And it would come at random times, like during the drive home. The chatter said, all I have to do is lay this commitment aside, and I'm free to drink. That's all. Let myself out of this self-imposed jail.

I was prepared for the physical symptoms of withdrawl, which have kicked in, but this attack by my mind, the endless debate, is so powerful. I barely defeated it. But I'm scared as hell tomorrow will be harder.

Catbuddy in crisis.

Cat - glad you like it! I put more on the What We Are Reading forum. I would of had a great! one for you today but I left the book at home!

What I read last night was about all these personalities in our brains. Only ONE is the alcoholic. Dr. Paul O's writing is humorous and so right on what goes on in an alkies head. Actually, it would work with any addiction (food, nicotine).

if you can get the book , try to! I got mine from Amazon.

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Kradle123;1387213 wrote: Cat, I want that book as well!! Thanks for posting that. I would have missed it otherwise. :thanks:

The mind chatter is like a heard of elephants in my head too.
Or as I've said before, my mind station is permanently tuned to radio station K-FCK. There's no fricken off switch.

Congrats on Day 2. I think that's the worst ...at least it was for me. Three wasn't too great either but 4 and 5 were better.

One way I stop all the people dialoging in my head is I talk and talk and talk and talk either to my husband or the kids or the tv or the radio....sometimes I wear the Bluetooth in the car just so people think I'm talking on the phone....actually I'm just talking to myself.

I talk a lot in the car because im driving the kids, collecting the kids, shopping for the kids... Running from the kids....i talk also on my walks Where if I'm caught out by a biker or a runner I pretend I'm talking to the dog ...

It sounds insane I know but it helps. Not sure why except I think I just exhaust myself.

Sleep well. Try Books on tape so you can hear someone talking outside your head:h

:l

PS everyone sound so wonderful these last few days in the nest. Have been reading the threads, working, pretty much okay. Glad to be back. Think I'll stay here awhile. It's safer...
:h

Cradle - see my response to Cat.

Also - are you guys doing the CDs at night?

{{{hugs}}} Glad you are sticking around with us!

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Catbuddy;1387237 wrote: Hi RunningCourage,

I love that we can find support from across the world through this forum. And it feels as if we are all at the table sharing stories.

I can imagine how hard the work situation was. It sounds like you handled it beautifully. I think it's tougher on men. But I too work in a company where drinking together is a frequent event. I plan to use "I'm working on better health, and cold/flu free winter." That will work. My health has been very poor and unpredictable. You might try, I'm in training. That would work in California, where I live. Will that go over in Scotland? Just a thought.

Here's an ironic note. I'm doing a triatholon as part of a team with two women from work this weekend. That will be Day 5. On Day 4, the night before, we are meeting for drinks, dinner and a sleepover before the race. I already told them "I won't be drinking" A triathalon the next day is a great excuse, right? But I could hear the unspoken question, "you won't even join us for a glass of wine?" It's is so hard to admit my problem. I cannot be open about it to work colleagues; my job would be at risk. And socially, there is such a stigma about not be able to handle alcohol.

I thought earlier today, you know I never smoked or did drugs. I am SURE that is why I am not a smoker and drug addict, because that would have been my path. But there was never any heavy social pressure in my life to do either, whereas I grew up with AL all around me. This critical difference, the level of expectation that I would drink and handle it well, is a cycle I want to break with my son.

Have a great day, as yours has begun.

Catbuddy

P.S. Being new here, I know my posts are LOOONNNNGGGG. Probably Day 2 blathering.

No blathering! Love it read it! Are you sure you can handle the sleepover? Can't you get out of it by saying you'd sleep better in your own bed?

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Quest for the key;1387319 wrote: OMG I'm sorry but I've got to talk to somebody.

As you know I am trying and trying and trying to go AF - getting 2 or 3 days done and falling off the wagon. Which I can deal with to a degree, as the frequency and quantity of what I'm drinking is decreasing - big time.

But last night, something happended that I've never experienced before.

I was fine all day. At work, busy-ish. But all the way home I was craving and craving - fighting with myself - I was hungry, I knew that ;I was angry (hubby had pissed me off) and I knew that too; I was also tired - so 3 out of 4 of the HALT were fulfilled - not good.

Hubby had wanted a chinese / indian for tea - normally I would have snatched his hand off - but not last night. I WANTED a drink !!!!!!!! I WANTED wine - I don't drink wine normally. I was like an errant child - I WANT, I WANT, I WANT...................

So, I stood in front of the fridge. No wine, no vodka - just lager. And I stood there (with hubby watching me) for at least 5 minutes (which is a long time just to be staring at a can of lager !!!)

And I started to cry................I have never felt such an ache in my insides as I did then - I had to have it. So I did. I had a lager, then went out for a bottle of wine, and a small (200ml hip bottle) of vodka.

I guzzled 3/4 of the wine and about 150ml of the vodka.

I can't tell you how I felt. I hated myself for caving. I hated myself for crying over fecking lager. I don't even like lager, or wine. I hated myself - period.

This morning - looking back, I can see the big hole I'm in. This is serious. I mean, I've been angry before when I've not had a drink, but I've never cried over it !!! FFS - It's bloody AL !!! It's just liquid. Get some water, or fruit juice and a chinese meal.

This was followed by major munchies, and I wonder why I'm such a bloater.

I just don't know what to do. I felt I had come so far this last few weeks, like I was getting some control back. OK, so I was struggling to make 7 days - but I was getting there. I was going longer inbetween sessions and drinking less.

I hate what I've turned into. I can't believe I'm actually fessing this up - I just don't like what happened and .................................I just don't know what to do.....................

Hun... this is totally normal. I tried to find a good article - but only found the following. this is just one of the stages of recovery.

Depression:

?There is also the type of alcohol depression that comes with early sobriety. As the alcohol leaves the system and people begin to recover, the disease of alcoholism fights with the brain, causing the phenomena of craving often associated with relapse. The alcoholic begins to be unable to imagine life with alcohol or without it, and the alcoholic depression that results can lead to suicide idealization or attempts.? (Jonathan P. Sapling - EzineArticles.com Expert Author)

Feelings and emotions are a part of life but this is a part of life that alcoholics haven?t been able to face. Their old method of dealing with intense emotions such as depression, anxiety, pain and stress is no longer there and they have no understanding of how to deal with them effectively.

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Starfish1;1387363 wrote: OOPs, sorry bout all the "food talk", Byrdie! I had forgotten about your "big day" preps! You are braver than I am for going through that - I need to go ahead and schedule one soon. I will be sure and let you know so you can "get me back" and talk about a yummy (oops almost said c_ke) you are baking :H
Love you so and good luck!!!
Hey maybe you should try orange jello- afterall it is October and all that

ROFL!!! Good going Star! I won't forget that B was the one trying to get everybody to change their avatars yesterday...but seriously Byrdie, I'll be thinking of you...I go crazy if I go a few hours without eating!!! Hoping for a good report tomorrow.:h

Stumpy, I really don't think it's a coincidence that your sleeplessness appeared around the same time as your trying to quit drinking. Most people report sleep issues and it really is still early in the game for you...there are so many changes going on in your body. I'm 48 and have thought for years that I was in perimenopause - but after being AF for a few months , and eating right, and taking care of myself - ALL of those symptoms have eased up. But believe me- I was well past 30 days my first quit and still not sleeping. IN fact here is a quote from a post of mine on March 14, 2011[I]..."like so many others, even at day 26, my sleep isn't what I want it to be - but maybe daylight savings time will help, since I was ready for bed so early and waking up very early...one can hope!"
[/I]

and the next day..."I think I need to stop counting days - yesterday, I said day 26 but in reality, today is day 30. for gosh sake - If I'm not acting stupid from drinking too much, I'm acting stupid from lack of sleep!"

And another from 3/30/2012; "In line with what others have posted, I'm still trying to figure out the sleep...I'm not trying to deny responsibility for having some drinks last week - I'm trying to figure out the triggers and honestly, sleep deprivation had to be one of them. After going 30 plus days AF, my sleep was getting worse instead of better - and was getting to the point of my entire body aching from exhaustion - my feet felt like they were made of lead - just trying to walk around...

I was still going strong with AF, but was really struggling day to day from the total lack of sleep - and then when my mom got sick, I caved. The terrible thing is that the couple of drinks that I had a few days in a row, actually helped the aching (or more likely masked it) and I was able to sleep better.

now I'm NOT advocating for a return to drinking to fix sleep issues - we all KNOW that's not the answer. My sleep problems still existed while drinking but I think were just still going through a cycle after quitting. I thought that 30 some days AF were enough to get everything out of my system, but maybe not? Maybe the aching was partly related to toxins leaving my body still? ...I hope I can figure this out this time. If there's one thing I know I can't exist without, it's sleep"


I just wanted you to see that you're not alone in this...and for some it's not a problem that straightens out immediately - I now sleep really well most of the time. Back then, I couldn't have imagined sleeping like I do now. I'm so glad I rode it out and gave it enough time.

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

lolab;1387345 wrote: Hey Tipp ? I?m glad you stopped in the nest ? stick around will ya? You asked in the other thread if there was any specific event last Sept 26 ? and the answer is no. You should be happy to hear ? that I had just gone round and round with it all too many times?.my momentum had built up and that was the time that ?stuck? ? much like how you are feeling now ? My ?original? MWO quit the Feb before that (and there were many in between!) was much more dramatic ? as I described in the My Story section?.I really thought that I wasn?t going to live. Then I knew it was ?do something about this NOW ? or accept that your life will end before long?. I did my 30 days ? went back to drinking ? sputtered all summer long ? not ?getting? it ? and then when I quit Sept 26, I gave it enough time until I ?got? it. There were days when I had my doubts ? but that?s what it?s all about is giving yourself enough time AF ? to make the decision rationally whether it?s the life you want or not. The more time I have AF, the more I want ? need ? this to continue to be my life.


Stumpy, I hope you get a handle on the itching thing. Be sure to look at all things ? maybe it?s not likely but have you changed anything in your laundry routine? Did you say it?s mostly when you lay down at night? Are you oppsed to trying the calms forte or nerve tonic? Both help me with sleep. And I did have kind of not all over itching but more of a pins and needles ? the more I thought about it ?the worse it got ? type of skin crawling thing for a bit when I quit. Try anything and everything - the stuff Lav recommended, too. (but not all at once! LOL) I know things like that can take on a life of their own ? I had this all over body aching with my quits ? my joints ached terribly ? to the point that I couldn?t sleep. It went on and on?.and I let it be a primary force in my decision to drink again. Now I know that the pain was caused BY the drinking ? and it was part of the vicious cycle?.but early on, it seems like our minds can take anything and use it as an excuse to go back to the ?easier? life of drinking. Let us know what the dr says.

Catbuddy ? I hope you?re doing better ? I?m glad you found something you can identify with ? I was interested in your conversation with kradle re: listening to voices. While I have a hard time shutting my brain off ? and oh it was sooo much worse when drinking and when I first quit ? in general I am highly sensitive to ?background? noises of voices. I can get so annoyed at a tv on in the background that I could throw a rock through it ? this time of year hubby has it on all weekend with football on ? he goes in and turns it on and leaves the room, I go in and turn it off?.and back and forth. But yes, lots here can identify with the nonstop chatter from our brains?now that mine is alert ? I sometimes feel like I run in circles ? wanting to do so many things with my extra time in the day ? and I?m sure at times in the past year I?ve come across as a little bit frenzied - trying to do too many things at once ? but I didn?t drink ? it kept me busy ? and like I always say ? most of the time it?s a phase?then I?ll get into one where I read all the time?.or pinterest all the time?:H
It sounds like you are perfect candidate for the hypnotherapy.

*It seems like you might be putting yourself in a very tempting situation very early in your quit ? with the sleepover?..is there any way around that? And for heaven's sake - don't worry about long posts!!! :H

Anyway, the exhaustion you?re feeling right now will pay off tenfold just by hanging in there ? the rest that you get later will be like something you don?t even remember. And with the cooking ? you?ll be surprised ? make sure you have something good to drink?normally I don?t insist on having an AF drink to substitute with all the time ?but when something is so heavily connected with drinking, I think at first you have to have something there ? to sub for awhile.

STAR! Thanks for posting ? and I have to say that you have given this plenty of thought and your plan sounds wonderful. I hope you had a nice dinner last night ? and that we hear more from you. :l

Hi nextplease ? I really think the hardest part is getting back on after you decided to jump off and drink. Those first few days when the alcohol is still in your system, there is so much of a temptation to just keep going with it. Try to stick it out long enough to gain back your determination.

K9, I was just talking with a friend yesterday about her desire to stop smoking?.what a strong hold it has on people?my father died in his 40?s and my mother needed to have one last cigarette with him in the funeral home before he was buried?.she just died of COPD after suffering for years and years. I am so happy that you were able to get away from their awful hold.

Actually, I?m pretty sure wine doesn?t evaporate completely in cooking ? but unless I was using antabuse, I wouldn?t be worried about the little amount that you would consume in a dish. BUT I WOULD worry about buying a bottle to USE for cooking. That would be too much temptation ? quite possibly even now. I had wanted to make some homemade vanilla for Christmas gifts ? but it involves vodka. Now why do you think my twisted mind wants to make this, huh? Ummmm ? I think I?ll go with vanilla bean caramel sauce instead. No temptation there?well ? at least not AL.

Byrdie, I don?t know much about spells - those might be a southern thang - but I know all about phases! Just about the time I started thinking I was going to be bored as hell with this sober life ? that nobody would ever want to be around me again ? that I would never want to leave the house again ? that I?d probably never even laugh again ? I?d turn a corner and the next day I?d feel great ? even better than before. I learned to be watchful of these times and sure enough ? each time I?d come out of it a little more sure of myself.

Nurdl you sound so ooo much better! Limonada ? I hear you about those thoughts that pop in before you even realize it?When basically everything I?ve done in my adult life has been fueled by alcohol ? it?s quite eye opening when after awhile we start to see the reality of it. I see that I have never seen the appeal of a lunch out with friends ? if there wasn?t alcohol?or of a shopping trip?.or a movie?.to have something set up so perfectly? That it would be perfectly acceptable to drink? Without having to drive? And then to make the conscious decision not to? It was almost absurd to me ? something that I never ever even considered.

RC ? I had gotten to where I messed up more of the meals than I got right. I had my big plans ? big dinner parties ? fancy dishes ? but I?d start drinking so early, that I?d run out of time or forget something at the last minute ? and then sit down to the table and not even be able to engage in a conversation?..ugh

Hiya Quest. I think it probably felt and feels like if you didn?t drink, that that feeling would have hung on and kept getting worse. I KNOW that feeling. It?s an obsession ? and one that immediately feels relief as you?re paying and get into your car with the alcohol?take that first swig. It?s a warm relief ? when that obsession had been so strong ? and it feels good to quiet it. But what you don?t know is that that HUGE pressing obsession is short lived ? if you know it?s coming and expect it and know EXACTLY what to do when it hits ? practice it in your head so much that your mind immediately knows to STOP ? EAT ? drink a big glass of water ? change your direction ? go clothes shopping if you?re in the car ? or if you?re in your house ? go outside ? or to your bedroom ? and find something to DO. Start pulling things out of a messy closet ? cry while you?re doing it if you have to ? IT?S NOT GOING TO KEEP BEING AS HARD AS IT IS AT THAT MOMENT!!! If it stayed that difficult ? there is no way in HELL any of us could have done this. I really believe that there are a few really really strong bursts of NEEDING a drink ? that feeling ? that we HAVE to ride out before we can move on?.to experience it and deal with it ? crying and screaming and kicking if we have to ? lets us see that we CAN do it. Think of it like a child having a temper tantrum?.all hell breaks loose and there is NO calming them down ? but often times the best thing to do is leave them alone ? let them get through it ? and when they come out at the other end, there is a calmness that follows. The one thing you don't do is give in and give them whatever it is they're carrying on about....:l
LOLAB - great advice for all. Thanks!

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Last night was Night #2. I prefer to go with "nights" than "days" as the nights are my mountains!

Got home around 5:00. Was VERY grumpy. Husband and I heated up some leftover lasagna (not homemade!) for ourselves and we ate with the kids (unusual fo us, we usually wait till later).

At one point hubby said "stop yelling, you know why you are" - cravings.... I didn't stop, I just couldn't control myself. He finally said he didn't want to go to the Church Group Study (The Art of Marriage) with me while our kids were at Awana Club. Anyway, we battled that one for a while... me saying "There's no art to our marriage anyway!". Finally, we did go. I'm glad. It was a good lesson. He brought me home before picking up the kids so I could get snacks on the table before bed.

I was still angry. Made myself a piece of toast with cheese an jalapenos. yummm. Felt much better. Got them to bed, and went to bed with my tylenol pm and "There's More to Quiting Drinking Than Quiting Drinking" book.

Not too exciting.

Rainy

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

ADVICE for Nighttime and Cooking Time

Don't forget to eat!

I ate some leftover lasagna that didn't settle with me. I should have went directly for one of my favorites, toast with melted cheese and jalapenos! Or toast with peanut butter. Once I provided my body with a comforting food and got filled up I felt better! When I did this the night before, I also felt better.

Also - though I haven't done this yet, sparkling water in a wine glass might work for those who like to drink while cooking.

{{{hugs all}}}

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

I would kill for a piece of cheese toast with jalapenos....gulp. B

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1387386 wrote: I would kill for a piece of cheese toast with jalapenos....gulp. B

It's my go-to! I love the spice!

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

"Clear liquids today".....Byrdie - good thing you're sober! A couple years ago you could have had a field day with those medical instructions!:H