Newbies Nest

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Day 7

Hi Everyone,

Have not been posting to roll call, because of all the previous fails. It felt like the minute I posted, then I would go out again. Soooo humiliating! But finally made it to Day 7. I think I will only post the bigger milestones.
.

I had two years AF and remember how incredible I felt and looked. I was the slimmest I have ever been in my life and looked better than I had in many years. And then THE VOICE started in my head: It's Christmas, the fire is crackling, the candles, the ambiance.... all the wine and champagne commercials.....I just want to be like everyone else.........'Well, I quit once, I can do it again.......just want to take a little break and enjoy it like the old days'. Only, it isn't that simple. It has taken YEARS to find my way back.

I, too, have a tendency to romanticize the drink. Everytime I do that now, I try to immediately remember the hundreds of not-so-romantic aftermaths and outcomes of that 'romantic' glass of wine. Starting to look like a 'bag lady' with the weight gain, the bloat, the lack of personal care. Years wasted. I shudder to think where it took me.

So, here goes again.....hoping to make my way back for good and be finally free, instead of almost free. I think a sparkling mineral water with a splash of cranberry juice in a nice chilled wine glass can be a very acceptable substitute for a lot of what I'm longing for. It seems much more mental than physical for me, once I am out of withdrawals.

Anyway, congrats to all: those hitting big milestones and those just starting out. Thank you all for being here! And special thanks to all the senior members for your unwavering support.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Almost Free

Congratulations on Day 7

Great Work and Thanks for posting!!!

[Alcoholic]

Newbies Nest

Fin;1407877 wrote: Four daughters?!! Holy shit. Just having a couple of her friends over freaks me out. It was all boys when I was growing up -- 3 bros. My mom said she liked it that way. Ha!

Anyone w more than one child has my respect. Sober or not, some days I just can't stand my son's attitude. He calls me the worst mom ever this morning because I told him that he has to finish his homework this morning. I lost that little adorable boy 6 years ago.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Nanette and Almost Free, on behalf of the Newbie's Nest, I hope you will accept this small token of a major accomplishment. You have faced every single day that a week can throw at you and succeeded. You have achieved the very coveted full moon award>>> :moon::moon: One for each, no fighting. I counted those carefully, after all, I'm not in Florida (where they are STILL counting votes). I can't tell you how happy I am for you, this is not a small feat. It takes everything you've got to dig and claw your way through these first 7 days. Here's to a lifetime of full moons!!! Well done!

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Many thanks Star, I feel like I'm going to cry.

Hi Ally. I'm so grateful that I wasn't drinking when my kids were little. Truly, truly grateful. My youngest is (8/10 years) younger than the other two, and it started once he was in school all day. And it started with 'incidents' where I knew I overdid it. Then there were more 'incidents'. And it went downhill from there. He is an adult now, but I would give anything to have that sweet little boy back, too. My older kids are doing very well, but I have been through the wringer with the youngest. Still dealing with it on a daily basis. Well, thank God I'm sober now, and better able to deal with it.

[Patrick]

Newbies Nest

Starfish1;1407870 wrote: Fin- Thanks for posting that. Not only can I relate, I have been there- with FOUR teenage daughters!!!

I'll see your four and raise you one and throw in two boys for good measure(all grown up now):headbanger:

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Star, you sound like a nest-muther in training!!! That was a great post.

Fin, your post is sobering in many ways, too. I cringe at the things I did...I can sure understand how this got your attention. I can't tell you the times I started my sentences with, "I may have mentioned this earlier" .."Stop me if I told you this already"...or worse, trying to sound like I knew what someone was talking about when I had NO idea. "Remember? I told you last week?" No, I don't. Thanks for sharing that wake up call with us. It's a reminder of where I don't want to go back to. I am very happy to report, all of my brain cells (well, most) have returned with vigor! It takes a bit to get them back, but they DO return. Well done on calling her bluff with your phone.

Everyone is doing great. Recognizing the problem before us is 90% of half the battle. (my mom used to say that, we didn't get it then...we still don't). Don't cave in no matter what or no matter who! You may wonder why I put the last part of that on there. Shouldn't no matter what be enough? Well, yes it should....but it isn't. I remember caving because my boss was in town, or at my neice's wedding, or because a dear neighbor friend insisted....blah, blah, blah. So in my mind, the WHAT I got, it was the WHO that threw me. I'm breaking out into rhyme!! So to keep me honest, I say to myself, NO MATTER WHAT AND NO MATTER WHO....that covers everything so I don't have a loophole.
XO, Byrdie

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Thanks so much Byrdie. I always wanted to get that full moon, but was too shy to ask the last time I qualified. You are my rock! And congrats to my fellow nesters Nanette and Patrick!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Patrick, Sweet Mother of Pearl!!! 7 kids?????????????? (no wonder you drank). Wow! You deserve a metal instead of dang hat! B

[Alcoholic]

Newbies Nest

Almost free:
parenthood is such a double edge sword. A wise doctor once told me, "Being a parent makes my best days better, my worse days worse." I find that so true. I'm glad your 2 older kids are doing well, you must have done something right!!!! And you'll see, your younger ones will turn out just well!

[Yogamom]

Newbies Nest

hi all, just stopping by as we dig out again from another storm here. snow this time. what the heck. nurdl, did you still have power? cabin fever, kids home, no privacy, so tough to get on and post so my apologies. but these posts about not drinking for our children sake have been very motivational.....thank you. it can be so tough some days and alc can be such a convenient and lazy crutch.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Dottie Belle...I remember that feeling of flatness. I felt as if I were stuck in limbo...somewhere between what I SHOULD do and what I knew I shouldn't do. I nearly caved time after time....I came across this post...and it finally gave a name to what I was feeling. Remember the stages of grief we spoke about, and the final stage is acceptance....I hope this post helps you as it did me. I know it won't speak to everyone here, but I know that I can't drink again...and I'm A-OK with that. This is from KTab....

Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

Take care,
Johnny

[Nanette]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie thank you for the full moon. For the last 7 days I have seen other people get them and wondered what it would be like to get one. It is great!

Today my insides are feeling a little wonky. I am going to go and take some time to spend some "On purpose" time with God. I often talk to him on the run and pray for answers to my questions but I have realized that I never stop to listen to the answer. Then I wonder shy he doesn't answer me. Well I have been trying to stop and listen. Sometimes I do better at this than other times.

To everyone that have wondered about headaches, I had them all week. Today is the first day that I didn't wake up with one. Very exciting.

Almost Free- I know what you mean about romantisizing a drink. Because of media when I hold a wine glass in my hand I feel grown up, sofisticated and dressed up. Because of media when I am drinking I think I am having fun like the people on tv. Have you ever noticed how many people on tv order drinks and don't drink them? This used to bother me. I would think what a waste! Other people probably didn't even notice. LOL

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Thanks for that post, Byrdie, that REALLY spoke to me!

I think that is just what I needed to hear. I truly believe I have accepted the fact that I can not ever drink again and I am not angry about it. The cravings are still there, but I have been avoiding getting pulled in by them by just totally ignoring them. What I really need to do now is start feeling the joy of not being burdened by the beast any more.

Like K9 says- realize how much easier it is not to drink than it is to drink.

I have not been focusing on the freedom I have now, I have just been "getting by".

This is a great revelation to me and I thank you for it.

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Oh byrd I think that post hit the nail on the head...I am just not ready to give up or submit ....drat....
must continue to be vigilant and read and read and read....hang close to the nest....
Dottie